• Member Since 8th Mar, 2012
  • offline last seen Monday



200 years after the balefire and megaspells detonated and destroyed the world of Equestria with magical radiation in the year 2077 A.D. Stable 30 has opened up. But what will happen when Changelings and the Zebra Remnants get involved? Follow Frost Wire as she enters the Equestrian Wasteland to save her Stable

Chapters (2)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 20 )

not bad, missing some commas here and there
also start a new paragraph every time the dialogue switches between characters

You the same person who said that in gdocs?

For gods sakes - as long as it's on a new line, a new paragraph is not necessary.
If that's what you mean, clarify.
Otherwise, a conversation would look like this:

"Person 1"

"Person 2"

"Person 1"

or even if you meant a third, it'd look like all hell.

Just keep them separated before they get too long and its fine.

742668 lol my teachers in highschool and college used to tell me to use commas Im horrible with commas

742698 didn't comment on Google docs, don't read any of the stories there other than PH

I find that if dialogue between characters are within the same paragraph it sometimes gets confusing as to who is talking, especially when its written like this:

"person one says something" "person two says something"

so separating them into their own paragraphs makes it clear who is talking or doing something

Ahh, okay. Someone else said the exact same thing.

Obviously if its in the same line of text, it is confusing - but a new paragraph and a new sentence are two different things.
A sentence does fine, especially when you determine who is speaking through the use of description of how they're saying it, accented spoken language - or even better yet - simply replying to the prior line.

"How are you today?"
"I'm fine. yourself?"
"I'm glad you're fine, I too am well."

That's a new sentence, that works well, yes? Unless you're bringing in a third character to the conversation, then the use of some description is required - but a paragraph?

Commas and semicolons, I hate both of 'em. Too bad they're sort of important. Also, good job on the story!

773741 noo I meant not good at them lol

I knew that...<akward silence> what were we talking about again?

Heh, finaly! Okay, catch upvote, and not reading, you know why.

What I am about to say is very, very important.

Stepping stones.

Why did I say that? What do stepping stones have to do with anything? Simple. Take things one at a time, not trying to go ahead at a blinding pace.

Is there a reason I am saying take things slow? Yes, as what I am about to say is important, but do not (!) take it negatively or as criticism.

You could use, a lot of improvement.
Now don't think I am saying anything bad, I'm not. You're story is genuinely good so far, but there are some things that could be improved.
Such as commas. These little thing are extremely important, and you would benefit from using them. In short, a comma is like a break in the text, similar to a period, but shorter, and doesn't separate ideas.
For example, read this.
Example: Her mane was blue her eyes were white.
When the reader reads that they read it all at once, and there isn't any separation form the two things you are describing. A comma would turn it into this.
Example: Her mane was blue, and her eyes were white.
It separates the focus from her mane and her eyes, as well as makes the text simply look better. The hair and the eye color are two different things to focus on, hence you space out the focus with a comma.

Still, this fic is well done, and aside from a few flaws, I like it. Just try to improve on your comma use, as that will go a long way.

WOW! That sounded rash....now just watch someone point out how I was wrong with that. EHH!

Liked and Tracked. Keep it up.

814916 yay Im going to start chapter 2 sometime tonight probably take a couple weeks to finish work what not

The plot is definately becoming more and more interesting. However, I do have to say that sentence structure is a little off at times. There's plenty of places where commas and periods are needed. Other than that, this is an interesting read. Carry on, carry on. :moustache:


You enjoy my fic, I read yours and GREATLY enjoy it.:twilightsmile:

Hey there:pinkiehappy:. I admit that I haven't read very far, but from what I have seen the story is... fine. However, the previous comments on comma and :trixieshiftright:phraseology:trixieshiftleft: are correct. Excuse my editing instinct, but I started in before I'd even finished the first paragraph.
:scootangel:Stable 30 example rewriting :ajsmug:
Also, I'd point this out. Fallout Equestria has amazing environments and technology to describe. Indeed, the ponies in it live full lives, which include such everyday actions as teeth brushing and putting on clothes. However, unless these actions are important to the plotline, they can generally be ignored and left out of the story. Too much daily life can bore readers.:unsuresweetie:
Also, look for way to avoid overusing "I". even contractions like "I've" and "I'd" can help break excessive use of this word. Find an example paragraph in Fallout Equestria of Littlepip talking about herself. Notice that the actions are not always in the form "I did X". Mixing it up is preferable.
Generally, Fallout Equestria is written in past tense. Present tense is only used for emphasis, and only in certain situations. Some people prefer it not be used at all. Every writer switches occasionally, which is usually caught by an editor. As you don't have an editor to catch this, insure you stay past tense.
Commas are important, but the rules are not as much. The easiest way to write with commas is to add them wherever you would take a breath while telling the story. While this isn't a perfect solution, it will help.
I haven't read far enough to comment on your plot.
I notice you are on the Compilation document.:pinkiesmile: A suggestion: when you start your next chapter, post a link in the chat and invite everyone to comment as you write. You'll learn A LOT, very quickly (assuming you can grab a few people).

Now, I want to say this. If you are writing because you enjoy writing, and primarily for that reason, then feel free to ignore ANYTHING above that would make writing less fun. Seriously, just keep writing. But, if you are writing primarily because you love comments and want to see those comments turn into praise, then you may want to consider the above. Either way, GOOD LUCK! and keep writing!:derpytongue2:

Heh, ayep, keep writting. :pinkiehappy: I see it's become popular to use changelings in stories.:twilightsheepish:

Ch. 1
There's a lot of info in this chapter, but it is really hard to read. Run on sentences, combined sentences, no comma, even a few missing periods. I get the feeling you were trying to give us a look at the 'day in the life' of Frosty, which is fine, but it came across as an info dump. Filly-fooler, food, friends, 'enemies', job. Too much information at once. If you broke up the different scenes instead of having it all in one giant text, it would help soooo much with pacing. As it is, its jumping from one thing to another with no time for reflection. I can't tell what was inportant in this cahapter because there was almost no emphasis; everything was given equal time. Dialogue and conversatio needs a little work too. Frosty was asking Tart about her home life with Bit, and then just starts about guns and stuff. there had to have been a better way to get that information across. I don't mean to rag on you, just want to see you clean up. You definitly have potential.:fluttershyouch:

1320141 yeah Ive been working on that the 2nd one is kinda better I hope so at least and the 3rd one Im working on still

If you need an editor to check for conventions and proper punctuation, I can assist you.

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!