Crime Pays

by chillbook1

The Queen of Thieves

“Anytime you two want to show up is fine.”

“Sorry, Boss, we gotta walk pretty damn far.”

“Just hurry up. The longer we take to get in there, the more suspicious we’ll be.”

“Hold your horses, we’re almost there.”

I clutched my broom, feeling a horrible sense of vulnerability that I hadn’t felt since I was a child. I was in a skirt. I hadn’t worn a skirt since grade school. Not only was I wearing a skirt, but I had a wealth of highly illegal materials on my person, and I was just a few yards from the most protected, watched, and fortified building in the entire country. If anyone found me even remotely suspicious, the heist would be over before it even began.

“It’s about time,” I said when my Crew finally arrived at my location. We were all decked out and ready to go, each clutching a hollowed broom filled with explosives. “Are we ready?”

“As we’ll ever be,” said Dash. “Let’s hurry this up. I don’t wanna leave Squirt alone too long. She’ll start to worry.”

“Let’s hit it, Boss,” said Lyra, clearly excited to be back in the thick of things. She was a bit annoyed that I didn’t give her a gun, but didn’t argue with me much.

“Alright. When we get there, let me do the talking,” I said. “Stick by me, try not to attract any attention, and, if you’re asked a question, keep your answer simple. Don’t give them anything to work with.”

Lyra and Dash gave me a nod, and we set off down the grassy hill I had been perched atop. We headed for the West Tower, where there was a cargo truck of groceries being unloaded into the kitchen area. That was our way in.

“Holy shit, we’re sneaking into Castle Equestria,” whispered Lyra. “We’ve done some crazy shit before, but—”

“Hush. We’re almost there,” I hissed. We moved with relative ease, past the workers moving crates of food into kitchen. We squeezed past them and into the large, ornate kitchen, trying to get our bearings. I consulted my mental map, planning out the best route to get where we needed to go quickly.

“Hey! You!”

I froze, turning in the direction of the voice. A very annoyed looking man was walking towards me, clutching a clipboard that he was constantly jotting at. He seemed to be the castle’s coordinator. When he reached us, I was already forming my lie. I was just about to explain that we were new maids and that we got a bit lost on our way over, but he beat me to it.

“You three new?” he asked. I opened my mouth, but, again, he didn’t let me speak. “Great, that’s all I need. Three rookies who need training.”

“We know what we’re doing,” I said. “What’s going on? Management didn’t tell us, they just sent us to the kitchen.”

“Those fucking morons… Of course they didn’t tell you, why do that when you can make my life difficult…” He scribbled at his clipboard, temporarily forgetting that we had existed. “Hm… The candidates for the crown decided to hold their debate here, in six hours! We need this place spotless!”

Internally, I smirked. Once again, Celestia was looking out for me. I made a note to thank her later.

“Can do,” I promised him. “We’ll just—”

“You, mint hair,” he said, pointing at Lyra. “What’s your name?”

“Me? I’m… Uh… I’m Hearth Shine,” said Lyra, understandably a bit off-guard.

“Whatever, the South Tower’s floors need to be cleaned and waxed. I need that done…” He checked his watch. “About three hours ago. Hop to it!”

“Um… Of course,” Lyra said. She glanced at me nervously before scurrying out and in the direction of the South Tower.

“Jesus Christ, I’m so understaffed…” grumbled the coordinator. “Alright, rainbow hair, go wash the North Tower windows. I want them spotless, and I want them clean now.”

“I’ll be back in a flash,” said Rainbow. She ran past the coordinator, shrugging at me as she went. Now, I was officially out of a Crew.

“And you, there’s a load of laundry that needs washing and pressing,” he said. “See to that. I expect you back within the half hour for your next assignment.”

“Of course,” I said, just barely resisting the urge to pull my pistol from my concealed thigh holster and shoot him in the face.

This was okay. I had planned for this. I always knew that getting split up could be a possibility, so I planned around it. They knew to sneak off to a bathroom at their next available opportunity, pull out their burners, and send me a message. From there, we’d be able to regroup and set up a new rendezvous point.

“Didn’t you hear me? I need you moving now!”

Assuming I didn’t kill this guy first, of course.

---

Dickhead said I could take my break now

I received Lyra’s text after I mopped my third bathroom. I was getting more and more annoyed as time went on. Every ten minutes or so, the dickhead to which Lyra was referring would find me, yell at me for my subpar job, then give me another three things to do.

Meet me by the kitchen

I left the bathroom I was attending to, quickly jogging down the corridors and heading for the kitchen. Finally, I could get started on the greatest heist of all time. Lyra was at the rendezvous by the time I got there, and we only had to wait about a minute before Dash showed up.

“Man, fuck that guy,” grumbled Dash. “If that asshole tries bitching me out again, over some goddamn windows, I’m gonna punch him in the dick.”

“No dick punches for now,” said Lyra. We set off for the North Tower, our explosive brooms in tow. “Save it for when we have the package.”

“You’re getting back in the swing of things pretty easily. You’re not rusty?”

“This is the only thing I was ever good at. You think I’m gonna let a few years in the box get me dull?”

“Quiet,” I said. The corridors were bustling, and our housekeeping outfits were holding. Nobody seemed to notice as we worked our way from the West Tower, the Central Tower, and finally into the North Tower. We got stopped for the first time, some security guy who asked us what we were doing. I lied quickly, saying that Mr. Dickhead had sent us to sweep out the treasury. I told him that the candidates wanted a tour after the debate, and he believed me. He let us in, and then it was a straight shot down the corridor and to the royal treasury.

The doors were large and ornate, braced with gold. I dug into my little pocket and pulled out my lockpicking kit. I slipped a pick into the beautiful, intricately carved keyhole, carefully jiggling the pins into place. There was a soft, satisfying click as I unlocked the doors and pushed them open.

Several glass cases lined the wall, each containing some sort of treasure or artifact. I saw our constitution, some ceremonial rings and, right in the back, was a large glass box, the edges braced with gold. Sitting on a bed of velvet was an ornate, beautifully crafted golden crown. I stared at it, transfixed by it’s sheer opulence. The rim of the crown was etched with flames, impossibly intricate plumes of golden fire. My hands trembled as I crossed the room, my sights set on the lock near the top of the case.

“Set up the C4,” I ordered. I tossed my broom to Lyra, then went about picking it. I’m not sure if it was my excitement, or if the lock was really well made, or a combination of the two, but I just couldn’t get the case open.

“C4 is set,” said Lyra. “Waiting for you.”

“Just… give me a moment,” I said. My pick broke, and I dropped it to the floor to grab a new one. “This damn case…”

“Which one of you morons stumbled into the treasury? You set off the silent alarm!”

Everybody froze as the castle coordinator stepped into the room, so preoccupied with his checklist that he didn’t immediately notice us. I pointed at Dash, then gestured to him. She grinned, then quickly jogged over to him.

“I managed to catch it before the authorities were called. That’s all we need, cops poking around and disturbing the workers. Be thankful we’re so busy today, or I would fire you on the spot!” The coordinator looked up just in time to see Dash clench her fist and punch him directly in the groin. As he doubled over in pain, Dash grabbed him by the collar and dragged him nearer to me.

“For you, Boss,” she said, kicking him onto his hands and knees just a few feet behind me.

“You shouldn’t have.” I never looked up from my lock. I pulled a zip-tie from my pocket and passed it to Dash. “Tie him up. If he moves, put two in his head.”

“With pleasure.”

“Who the hell are you people?” groaned the coordinator, struggling futilely as Dash tied his hands.

“Shut up,” I said, breaking another pick in the process. “God damn it!”

“You need some help?” offered Lyra.

“Get ready to blow the wall,” I said. I drew my pistol from my holster, a snub revolver that I had bought recently. I aimed carefully at the case, then fired three shots and smashed the glass with the butt of the gun. “Blow it!”

The plan was for there to be a hole in the wall we could climb out of before I even had the crown bagged. For some reason, I didn’t hear the resounding boom of the explosives. I leered at Lyra, who was fidgeting with the detonator, to no avail. We were wasting precious time that we didn’t have.

A loud, blaring alarm rang throughout the entire castle, alerting everyone to our presence. I quickly bagged up the crown, swearing under my breath. I could hear guards running to our location, which meant we needed to act immediately.

“Give me the detonator!” I shouted. Lyra tossed it to me, and I immediately pulled it open, quickly scanning the mess of wires. Ever second I spent staring at the detonator was another second the authorities had to get here.

I found it, eventually. The circuit was incomplete, which was an easy fix. Just a twist and pinch of the wires.

“Freeze!”

I stopped in my tracks, staring down at the squadron they had sent to apprehend us. Six men, each aiming their standard issue handguns at us. I glanced at my Crew, who were doing the smart thing and waiting for my instructions.

“Drop the gun!” one of them ordered. “Hands above your head!”

“Holy shit… That's Medusa,” said another one. “Twilight Sparkle!”

“Glad to see that I'm finally getting recognized,” I said, grinning slightly.

They hadn’t noticed the detonator, or the C4, which meant we still had the element of surprise on our side.

“The Mythos Crew is going away for a long time,” said my fan. “Put your hands up, now!”

“Anything you say, officer,” I said, slowly raising my hands.

“What's in your hands? Drop it!”

“Get ready,” I said softly.

“Don’t make me say it again! Drop it now!”

“Now!”

I flicked the detonator, which had a much more dramatic effect this time around. The world seemed to rend around the explosion, a blast that rippled reality itself. The shockwave stunned me, and I was ready for it. The unprepared guards had no chance, some of them outright falling onto their backs.

“Go!” I shouted, legging it out as bullets whizzed past us. Lyra and Dash fell in just behind me, the three of us leaping out of the hole and gunning it for our vehicles.

“Follow Medusa!” someone shouted from behind. I slipped the crown out of the tiny duffle bag it was in, throwing the bag to Lyra.

“Take the truck, I’ll take the van! If they follow you, lap the city and try to lose them! If they go after me, head right back to base and wait!”

I can only assume that they heard me and understood, because I hopped into my van before they could respond. I pulled off as soon as possible, followed immediately by Lyra and Dash. We went in opposite directions and, as I had predicted, they picked me to chase.

It was pretty simple to shake them off. I just did a few twisting turns before parking my van in an alley, changing the license plate, and running out on foot. I had stowed a duffel bag with spare clothes (as well as my gun, my knife, and my spare lock picks) in the van prior to the heist, which I exchanged with the maid outfit. The empty bag made a nice home for the crown.

My heart still beating like a drum, I headed home with the Kingdom of Equestria in my bag.

---

I should’ve known that something was wrong when I got to the library and found the door locked. I assumed that Lyra or Dash had accidentally locked it out of habit or panic. It didn’t matter much to me. I had enough spare lock picks to work through that basic lock, which I did easily.

I closed the door behind me, grinning madly as I felt the crown swing around in my back. The Equestrian Crown, the physical embodiment of the entire country, and I held it in my hands. The power was incredible.

I dropped the bag onto the table in the commons area, our normal meeting place. The girls were nowhere to be found, but I wasn’t much concerned. They probably went out to smoke or snort or shoot up or whatever it is they do. I was more focused on our pull. I lifted the crown from the bag, feeling the etching of the flames against my thumb. I had a strange compulsion to try it on, and I was just about to place it onto my head when I heard a series of heavy thuds behind me. I carefully put the crown back into the bag and turned to face the noise, my heart skipping a beat at what I saw.

Dash stood surrounded by several duffel bags, each holding a large amount of money. She was aiming her gun at me, and she held Lyra by the hair. She threw Lyra forward, dropping her just a few feet from me. Her hands were zip-tied behind her back, as evidenced by her ceaseless and futile squirming.

“What the fuck?! We had a deal!” shouted Lyra.

Immediately, I felt rage boil in my blood. I knew I shouldn’t have trusted her! I should’ve shot her in my apartment, but I let her get into my head. Let her trick and manipulate me. If I didn’t have a gun trained at me, I would make Lyra regret her decision.

“I don’t make deals with snakes, you sneaky bitch,” said Dash. “And you! I wanted her to be a lying sack of shit, but something just felt wrong. I had to look into it and, fucking shocker, you had the Elements money the whole time!”

“Look, Dash,” I said. “Put down the gun. You’re mad, I get that, but let’s calm down and—”

“Fuck you! I’m tired of being on your damn leash!” She took a step forward, clutching her gun more tightly. “You had this money the whole time! I could’ve left, you lying bitch!”

“I couldn’t let you go just yet,” I explained. “I needed you. I swear, I would’ve given you your money. As soon as the crown situation blew over, I would’ve—.”

“There wasn’t supposed to be a goddamn crown situation! I was supposed to get my cut from the Elements and then leave! Do you know how much I’ve risked, how much I put at stake, trying to keep you out of jail until my money came?”

“You had very low stakes, actually,” I said. “You’re an accomplice, and I would’ve taken all the blame. You would’ve done eight years, max.” Rainbow growled waving her gun angrily through the air.

“It’s not just about me, you fucking idiot! What about Scootaloo, huh? You think she could last eight years by herself? She needs me, and I need to be there for her. You wouldn’t know a whole lot about that, would you? You’re a selfish, self-centered bitch, and I’m sick of it!

“And so you think you’re better than me? If I’m selfish, what are you?” I asked. Despite my best efforts, Dash was successfully getting on my nerves. “You get in cahoots with her, and for what? To run! You’re a coward, Rainbow. A weak, selfish, disloyal coward.”

“Everything I do, I do it for her! This was never for me!” she yelled. “And I was nothing but loyal to you! Even during the shittiest parts of our partnership, I stood by your side, and I took it all! And you’re calling me weak? How many people do you know have the strength to stand up to you? To aim a gun at Medusa’s head and promise to pull the trigger.”

“You don’t have it in you,” I said, as calmly as I could. I slowly reached for my gun, hoping to turn this hostage situation into a proper stand-off.

“You’re a danger to me and Scootaloo, and I’ll do anything to protect her.”

Every time she mentioned that stupid kid, I got more and more annoyed, and I wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe it was how broken record she was about her, or how cliche it all sounded. Then again, it might’ve been jealousy. She had her family to protect, regardless of how small and crippled that family was. But me… With Moondancer dead, Lyra a traitor, Shining on my case, and Spike gone… I had no one. I don’t think that fact registered with me until right then. Dash was the only one I truly had left. If I had realized that earlier, I might’ve handled things differently.

But, now, she just made me angry. I left my gun where it was, deciding that I would beat Dash with my words alone. She thought she could betray me? Just steal from me, turn her back on the Crew, and get away with it. Celestia was right. I should’ve cut this pest loose when I had the chance.

“Protect Scootaloo, that’s all you strive for,” I snarled. “Protect her, protect her, protect her, but you’re not very good at that. You put her in danger by your very presence. You said it yourself, you wish you could let her go, for her own sake.”

“Shut the fuck up,” she hissed. I refused.

“You can’t protect her from the world or even yourself. You couldn’t protect her from the weight of reality when she killed Sweetie. You left her there to suffer after everything she knew about the world fell apart. After she ignored everything she knew to be right just to save you.”

“Shut up,” Dash repeated. Again, I ignored her. As long as I was beating her with words, she’d never shoot me.

“You remember Thunderlane? How he snatched her from right out of your grasp?” I asked, watching with sinister delight as she visibly paled. “Think back to it. You had just left the Crew when we needed you for Thunderlane’s job, and then he just so happened to gain the leverage required to get you on board for a job that I really needed you to complete. Now isn’t that convenient?”

Silence reigned as Dash connected the dots, fitting all of the pieces together. She began to tremble with anger, so much so that I doubted she could actually hit me if she fired.

“You… It was you…”

“Spare me your self-righteous anger. What’s the point? Are you angry that you didn’t realize?” I asked. “You should be. It was obvious. But you were too high and stupid to put together the pieces. So high that, as far as you knew, you put that kid you want to protect so much right in harm’s way!” Rainbow lowered her pistol, her fists clenched tightly. “Are you angry that you didn’t stop me? You couldn’t have. I could’ve killed her and you’d be powerless to stop me, because you needed me. You didn’t want to go against me because you always needed me more than I needed you.”

“You drugged my sister… To get me to do what you wanted,” said Dash slowly. “You put an innocent girl in danger because I didn’t want to do some stupid fucking job.”

“You want to keep the girl safe, but you need me to do that. You couldn’t protect her from Thunderlane or even from me. You couldn’t before, and you can’t now.” I took a step forward, reaching for her pistol. “So why don’t you put down the gun. Before someone gets hurt. Before the girl gets hurt.”

That came out wrong. I never meant to threaten the girl like that. I meant to make Dash think about how killing me would negatively impact her and, by extension, Scootaloo. But, as I said, I was angry. Dash was leaving me, and I couldn’t quite cope it. In that anger, I said what I thought instead of what I meant. And, because of that, I accept full responsibility for what happened next.

Dash dropped her gun, leaping onto me and catching me with right hook after right hook. I was on the ground before I entirely knew what was going on. She dropped down and punched me again and again, drawing blood from my nose after only a few quick rights. I tried to fight back, Dash either avoiding or ignoring my feeble swings. She stood up and stomped hard on my chest, punctuating each hit with a loud, angry shout.

“Fuck! You!” She kicked me firmly in the ribs, deciding that she had gotten it all out of her system. As I lay on the floor, clutching my chest, Dash grabbed up two of the money bags and moved them out of the library. She came back for the rest and, when she returned, she was on the phone.

“Yeah, I have a tip on the Mythos Crew,” said Dash. “I wanna talk to Agent Shining Armor.”

“D-don’t…” I gasped, crawling weakly towards her. “Please…” She kicked me in the face, stopping me in my tracks.

“Yeah, Armor? I know where Twilight is. Name’s Rainbow Dash. I work with her. Worked with her,” said Dash. “Yeah, whatever. She’s in Ponyville, Golden Oak Library, you can’t miss it. Hurry up, she’s waiting for you. I won’t be here.”

She hung up and dropped her phone to the floor. After giving me one last glare, she turned for the door and left me there on the floor with Lyra.

“You… You did it again,” I coughed, slowly working my way to my feet.

“I thought you were going to kill me when the job was done,” said Lyra quietly. “And I swear, I didn’t know Dash was gonna do that. We were supposed to take the money and split.”

I slowly limped over to the duffel bag, digging through it tiredly. It was over. At the height of my career, and it all comes crashing down.

“That’s why you wanted to get the booze. Why the C4 didn’t go off,” I said. “It all makes sense now. You stabbed me in the back. Again.”

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I swear, I didn’t mean it,” promised Lyra. “I was scared, that’s all, and I thought you’d be fine! I never knew she was gonna turn you in, you gotta believe me!”

“I believe you, Lyra,” I coughed.

“Oh, thank God, I swear, I didn’t mean it. Thank you so much for understanding, I—”

“I believe you, Lyra,” I repeated, pulling out the knife I had used on Moondancer. “I never said I gave a damn.” I flipped out the blade and slowly made my way over to Lyra.

“Twilight, don’t do this! If you kill me, you’ll have no one left,” begged Lyra. “You’ll regret it forever!”

“I already have so many regrets, Lyra. What’s one more going to do to me?”

I dropped down next to Lyra, pushing her onto her back. She struggled, but it was useless. She couldn’t exactly leapt to her feet and make a run for it, not with me right there.

“Please don’t do this, please, I’m begging you, please don’t kill me!”

“Stop. Now. Let me remember you with some dignity,” I said. I moved a strand of hair out of her eyes, so I could look at her properly. She started to cry, and I saw something then that I hadn’t seen in Lyra in all the years of us being friends. Those golden eyes showed regret. Lyra wasn’t that kind of person. Even when she did some condemnable, horrendous, reprehensible thing, she never wished to take it back. She always stuck to her guns. This was different.

“If you could take it all back, do it differently,” I asked softly. “What would you change?”

“I-I would’ve waited. No matter what, I would’ve waited for you to come get me. I’d have stayed loyal,” she sobbed. “Please don’t hurt me…”

“You know what I would’ve done?” I wiped a tear from Lyra’s cheek. “I would’ve killed you first. Moondancer would’ve watched me beat you to the brink of death and dump your body. How’s that sound, Lyra? How would you like the bottom of a lake for a casket?”

“Oh dear god, please no. Please! Please don’t do this! I’m sorry!”

“I’m going to count backwards from three,” I said. I placed the blade against Lyra’s throat. “And then, you are going to die. Three.”

“Please, just let me go! I can help you when we get to prison, I can—”

I slashed her throat, grabbing her beneath the chin to keep her still as her lungs filled with blood. I was splattered and sprayed red, but I didn’t care. I was so focused on the pain and terror in Lyra’s eyes. It was the look of someone who had their worst fear realized in a way that they could never have imagined.

“One,” I said softly. Lyra kicked and fought, unaware that every movement brought her closer to death’s door. I sat by her side, watching as the life left her body and her eyes becoming little dull, glassy orbs stuck in her head. When she stopped moving, I wiped the blood off as much as I could, then grabbed Dash’s phone. I redialed the last connected number, then put the phone to my ear.

“Agent Armor, and look, I’m really busy, so this better be important.”

It had been so long since I last heard my brother’s voice. Even though he was technically the enemy, it was nice. I wondered, when he thought of me, how often Twilight Sparkle came to mind. How much of Medusa has clouded his mind? Does he remember the heister or the librarian more?

“Hello, Shiny,” I said weakly. “Where are you?”

There was a spell of silence. That silence was terrible. Any response, good or bad, would be better than that silence.

“On your tail. Why are you calling me?”

“I want to turn myself in.”

“And I’m supposed to just take your word for that?” asked Shining. “How am I supposed to trust you?”

“About an hour ago, I blew a hole in the side of Castle Equestria. Someone will get me soon. I’d rather it be you,” I explained. “I’ll come in easy, I promise. Just not in Ponyville.” Another bout of silence, but not quite like the other. I could tell that he was thinking it over. Carefully considering what I was saying.

“Where?” he demanded. I sighed, pushing myself to my feet.

“I’ll send you the address when I get there. It’s in Canterlot,” I said. “I’ll come easily. I just want to talk first.”

“Last time I talked first, I ended up with a bullet to the lower back.”

“That was last time. This time, I’m all alone and at the end of my rope.”

Comments

[Dustchu]

Awww! Son of a bitch... wasn't expecting that but... oh well...

Fuck.

Nice job man, and shit, triple update.

[Weeb trash]

Holy shit. I log on, 4 new chapters, 3 for this story. And one of them contains this shit. God damn... You made my shitty day.

[AMuffinlover]

Yeah 3 chapters in one day! Hurray nice valentines gift

[Conflict]

Twilight still has a plan.
I assume she is going to get out of jail, but with the help of spike, and maybe her cellmate.