Bad Guys
“You trying to tell me that we’re stealing samurai swords?”
“Uchigatana, shōtō, and a set of armor called Kozane dou dō gusoku.”
“But they’re samurai swords, right?”
“That is a very crude way of looking at it.”
“But they’re samurai swords.”
Dash was very resourceful, perhaps even bordering on clever. That didn’t stop her from being a complete idiot at the same time. It was an incredible phenomenon, one that I still had no explanation for. It was as fascinating as it was infuriating.
Dash and the girl were hanging out on the couch, Dash upside down with her feet where her head should be. Spike sat at one of the several computer desks, no doubt getting things in order for the heist. As for me, I sat on top of the War Map, tossing my mask from hand to hand. Three days had passed since the laundromat gained its additional tenants, and they were making themselves quite cozy. I shouldn’t really talk. I practically lived in the safe house myself, and I was the one forcing them to stay in the first place.
“Yes, Dash,” I sighed tiredly. “They’re samurai swords. And we’re stealing them, tonight.”
”Where are they?”
“Airplane hangar,” said Spike.
“The fuck are they doing there?” asked Scootaloo. “Shouldn’t they be in a museum or something?” Dash turned herself right-side up and flicked the girl as hard as she could on the forehead.
“Watch your fucking mouth,” said Dash. The irony was, apparently, lost on her. “But, yeah, the fuck are they doing there?”
“They were intended to fly to Vanhoover for a showing, then right back to the East. But, on the return trip, they had to stop here in Canterlot,” I explained. “Thanks to several complications.”
“Or Spike calling in a couple of favors,” said Spike. “However you wanna look at it.”
“This one is simple,” I said. “We walk in, we grab the artifacts, and we leave. The only catch is we have to do it silently. If we get caught…” I made a slicing motion at my throat. “There goes Mythos.”
“There gonna be a lot of security for this stuff?” asked Dash.
“The uchigatana was forged around two thousand years ago,” said Spike. “And it’s something of a national treasure. It’ll probably be very heavily guarded, which means the three of us need to be on our A-game.”
“Aight, cool.” Dash didn’t seem to be able to keep her hands still. “Hey, you guys mind if I smoke in here?” I rolled my eyes, giving her a slightly sarcastic thumbs-up.
She did not pull out a cigarette from her pocket.
“Uh… Dash?” Spike squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. “Uh… I think Twi assumed you meant a cigarette.”
“Huh? Oh, sorry,” said Dash, though it didn’t stop her from dropping those little white rocks into her pipe and sticking her lighter underneath. She took a deep pull and held it for several seconds before exhaling the literal poison she had just introduced to her body.
“Alright, Dash, I have to ask,” I said. “You sure you should be doing things like that in front of the kid? I mean, it’s none of my business, and I’m a literal criminal, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but… You sure this is a good idea?”
“WHOOO!” was the only response I got from Dash, followed immediately by her punching the sky and stomping her foot. The girl didn’t seem to react to her big sister’s little moment, which was a bit concerning.
“Fuck yeah!” shouted Dash. “What’d you say?”
“I think she was calling you out,” said Scootaloo. “For smoking crack in front of me.”
“Oh, don’t worry about that, she’s cool, she’s cool,” said Dash, a massive grin on her face. “She already knows, if I catch her with drugs, I’m breaking her arm.”
“That’s a great threat and all, but she’s fifteen,” I said. “That’s a very impressionable age.”
“Not a threat. It’s a promise.”
“Not a promise. It’s history,” said Scootaloo. “She caught me smoking a blunt once, once, and then threw me off my scooter when I was heading down a hill. Broke my arm in three different places. Over one blunt.”
“Hey, one blunt is all it takes,” said Dash. “One blunt, you might end up like me.”
“But you’re fucking awesome!” Dash looked at her, then laughed for a bit. Then, she jabbed her in the throat. Not hard enough to do any more than stop her talking.
“Yeah, I am awesome. But you can be more than that,” said Dash. “And watch your fucking mouth!”
I looked at Spike and sighed. These two had a relationship stranger than our own, and that’s saying something.
“Alright, let’s get down to business,” said Spike, clapping his hands together. “We have thirteen-ish hours before we need to be at the hangar, and I want to go over the plan. Ladies and ladies? Let’s make some dough.”
I should’ve turned around as soon as I saw the open hangar.
The doors should’ve been closed. Dash and I were supposed to slip in through a window near the back. Once there, we’d climb down the catwalk, slip around to the ground floor, and run through the plane’s cargo hold. Then, we’d bag up and leave the same way we entered. It would’ve been perfect.
When we arrived, the doors were open and there were about twenty guards surrounding the plane. From my spot from the hill a couple hundred feet away, I couldn’t make out much. All I could tell was that there was a lot of them, far more than there should’ve been. When I saw that, I should’ve turned around and headed home.
“Change of plans,” I whispered to Dash. “Go back to the van and you’re going to find a detonator and a very small amount of C4. Grab them, then loop around the other side of the building. There should be a propane tank. Place the C4 there. When I give the signal, you are to blow it sky-high, understood?”
“I get to blow shit up?” asked Dash. “Will do, Boss.” She ran back to the van to gather the materials I told her about. I peered through my binoculars again, trying to decide how to proceed after that. If things went sour, Dash and I would have to pull out and give up this amazing heist. I couldn’t allow that to happen.
I tapped my earpiece twice, coughing to get Spike’s attention.
“Oh, don’t mind me,” said Spike. “I’m just sitting here, waiting for you to stop losing you goddamn mind!”
“It’s just a diversion, Hyrda,” I said. “It’ll be fine. We need to get the guards out, and this is the best way to deal with it.”
“You think you can trust her to not fuck this up?”
“I think I don’t have a choice. She’s not fast enough to bag everything and get out safely.” I thought about what he said for a moment. “Also, watch your mouth.”
“Seriously?”
“Uh… Boss?” Rainbow cut in on the mic. “You might wanna take a look at this.”
“That phrase is the single biggest waste of time in the history of action movie time-wasters,” said Spike. “What is it?”
“These aren’t guards. They’re the FBI.” I could hear Dash swallow hard through the line.
“Calm down, Apollo,” I said. “This changes nothing. Just—”
“I’m staring at Shining Armor right now.”
I didn’t swear very often. I was normally a very calm, collected person. Even when I was in the middle of a firefight with an opposing gang that’s determined to kill me, I kept a civil tongue.
“Fuck!” I hissed. “No, no, no!” I strained my eyes, trying to see him. “Are you sure?”
“Pale skin, blue hair, vest that says ‘Armor’... I mean, I don’t know the guy personally, but I can take a shot in the dark,” said Dash. “He doesn’t see me, I’m behind the propane tank and he’s a couple yards away. What do we do?”
What to do, indeed. Shining Armor couldn’t find out about me. I’d rather die. Besides Spike, that man is my best friend. The only reason I didn’t follow in his footsteps and become a fed was because he asked me not to (and I already had a taste for heisting). He wanted to protect me, his precious little sister. If he was anyone but my brother… But he was.
“This changes nothing,” I repeated. “If we got caught, it was over, anyway. Now, we just have extra incentive not to get caught. Not that we needed it.”
“Medusa… You sure about this?” asked Spike.
“Just be sure to scramble their communications when the pursuit starts,” I said. “And have the door open for us.”
I ran down the hill, sneaking around the back of the hangar I needed. I slipped down to the corner furthest from my origin, trying to calm my breathing. I couldn’t panic here, or it would be my undoing. Stay calm, Medusa.
“C4 is placed,” said Dash. “And I’m out of the way. Waiting on you.”
I sighed, trying to keep calm enough to do my job. It was never harder to keep my head on straight than it was right then.
“Light it up,” I said. There was a short second of pause, and then the very world seemed to burst. The ground trembled from the explosion, and it almost knocked me over in my distracted state. I took my opportunity and ran. As I entered the hangar, I saw the apparent FBI agents turn tail in the opposite direction. The hangar was empty.
Save for one.
“Freeze! Hands up over your head!”
I didn’t know what else to do. I listened to him. What else are you supposed to do when someone has a gun aimed at your forehead. He looked good for his age. Fifty-five and still looked sharp and energetic. He had a powerful look in his eyes, the type that you normally saw in a man half his age. I had good memories of that look, though. He made that face during chess matches and trivia competitions. He was a competitive man, my brother.
“Pull out your phone!” said Spike. “I have an idea.” I made a phone using my pinkie and thumb. I placed it next to my ear, mimicking a phone. He didn’t react, so I slowly reached into my pocket and retrieved my burner.
“Set it to read out your texts,” directed Spike. I did as I was told, silently watching as Shining made his way forward.
“Hello, Agent Armor.” The phone read out Spike’s text in a choppy, feminine voice. As soon as he heard it, Shining stopped in his tracks.
“To whom do I owe the pleasure?” he asked, lowering his gun slightly.
“Drop your gun, or we will kill her.”
I was probably as confused as Shining.
“Who?” he demanded. There was a short second when nothing happened, followed by the next text. This one was attached to a separate sound clip.
“Let me go!”
I vowed, at that moment, to kiss Spike when I next saw him. The little drake was a genius!
“Twilight?” Shining’s face fell to despair for a fraction of a second before returning to his former stony gaze. “Where is she?” Again, Spike spoke for me.
“Drop your gun, or we will kill her,” it repeated.
“If you hurt her, I will bury you bastards under the prison,” growled Shining. I hated to scare him like that, but it sure beat killing him.
“Cuff yourself, or we kill her,” said the phone. Shining held his gun tightly for a second before lowering it to the ground. He dropped to his knees, grabbed his handcuffs, and restrained himself with his arms behind his back.
I walked over and grabbed his gun.
“You think you can just kidnap my sister and kill me and get away with it?” he spat. “Justice always catches up to you guys. You understand that, right? You’re the bad guys, and the bad guys always lose.”
I pressed my gun against Shining’s forehead.
“Go ahead, shoot me! It won’t change anything!” he shouted. “You kill me here, I guarantee that you’ll be behind bars in three weeks!”
“Medusa! What the fuck are you doing?!” demanded Spike. I took the gun and dropped the mag. I popped out the bullet in the chamber, then laid the gun on the floor. I crouched down until we were eye to eye, his scowl contrasting with my mask’s permanent grin.
“Goodbye, Agent Armor,” said the phone. I tilted my head in an almost taunting manner, then went about bagging up the loot. I turned the text-to-speech function off, then sent Spike a text.
Thanks.
What the hell was that all about?
I looked back to my brother, who wasn’t even trying to escape. If he wanted to, he could’ve eventually uncuffed himself. But he just sat there, biding his time.
Just playing the part. We’re the bad guys, aren’t we?
I sat on the War Map, tossing my mask from hand to hand while Dash, the girl, and Spike fawned over the loot. I didn’t manage to secure the armor, but I walked out with eight swords that would fetch a pretty penny on the market. I pulled out my phone, my real phone, and queued up Shining’s number.
“Hey, everybody, keep it down,” I said. When silence fell, I called my brother. The line rang for a second, then connected. I spoke first. “Hey, Shiny, how’s it going?”
“T-twily?”
“Yeah, sorry I haven’t been around lately. Work has been piling up, you know?” I yawned to emphasize my point. “I was thinking we could go out to dinner on Friday?”
“Wait… What? Dinner?” said Shining. I could imagine him clutching his head in confusion.
“Uh… Yeah. Spike and I thought we’d treat you and Caddy to a night out.” Spike rolled his eyes. He always hated that nickname for Cadance. He thought Cadance was nickname enough. “Oh, and there’s this amazing play opening on Bridleway, I think you and Caddy would love it!”
“Stop! Twilight, I don’t get it. Where are you?” he asked. Spike gestured for information, satisfied with the thumbs-up I gave him.
“I’m on my way home. What’s wrong, bro? You seem off,” I said. “Is everything okay?”
“But… I heard you… Those motherfuckers! Twily, I’m gonna have to call you back!”
He hung up, much to my relief. I dropped the phone onto the table, resting my face in my palms. That was the epitome of too close for comfort.
“Jesus Christ, that was close,” I sighed. “Spike, that was great of you. If it weren’t for you…”
“The fearsome Medusa would be up to her snakes in trouble,” said Spike. “I expect a raise and more paid days off.”
“Where’d you get the recordings?” asked Dash.
“I read stories to children some weekends,” I said. “I get really deep in character, and Spike records me sometimes. Knew it’d come in handy someday.”
“Twi, what happened after Shining cuffed himself?” asked Spike. “What’d you do?”
“I made him feel threatened. It was a tactic,” I explained. “That’s how you beat Shining. You break down his mind first.” I looked over at Dash and the swords, mildly annoyed when I saw Apollo getting high whilst in the presence of ancient artifacts that should’ve been revered and studied. Those swords should be in a museum. About halfway through that thought, I remembered that I was the one who stole them and stopped them from getting into a museum in the first place.
Yeah, we were definitely the bad guys.
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OMIGOTO!!!
seriously, that play on Shining was a stroke of genius!
7305806 Glad you enjoyed. This old dog still has some tricks, eh?
7305843
Who're you calling "Old Dog"?
Besides, I'm pretty sure I've worked out where this story is going.
7305864 We'll just have to see about that. I'm sure you do, cause this plot isn't actually all that complicated and you're a clever guy.
I was the old dog that I was referring to.
Ah, more of my guilty pleasure. This chapter was a nice quick run of fun. Could it have been a little longer? Of course, but that's the good thing. It didn't need to be, though oddly enough it feels as though you cut something from it. Maybe I'm just going insane. I have to say I'm studying your banter to help me with my own so thanks a ton.
That's a small pang of remorse you're feeling there Twily. But relax, it will only be there for a moment and then it will fade back into the recess of your mind. Where all the other things, including thoughts a truly healthy relationship with your brother, go to die. Enjoy sitting across the table from the member of your family you were just holding a gun to. That's another strike to your psyche, I wonder how many more it can take.
7235411 I'm sure I'm not the only one. Sorry for the slow response. Deleted my other one due to its rambling length. Plus I totally didn't think of simply editing it.
Hmm... will Pinkie, Fluttershy and Rarity make an appearence? Perhaps Pinkie as a deranged murderer
Nice chappie!
FREE LYRA~
It's official, Spike is a genius. And deserved that raise.
THIS IS EFFING GENIUS. NEVER SEEN DASH AS DRUG ADDICT!
I LIKE IT,
Finally, Spike getting some appreciation for his work. Take that you original mlp series for treating Spike as nothing more than fodder! I mean there are a couple episodes devoted to Spike, but most times he gets nothing for his hard work.
Dou and dō are just two ways of spelling the same word (胴) using the Roman alphabet, you only need to use one of them.
Also, kozane doesn't really need to be capitalized, since kozane dou gusoku (小札胴具足) isn't the name of a particular set of armor. It's simply a type of armor made from numerous individual scales (kozane) that was used in many samurai armors before the introduction of firearms around the 1500's.
If you've seen the Mythbusters episode where they made samurai armor out of paper by tying a bunch of small paper "scales" together with twine, and even made out of paper it was able to deflect sword blows, you'll understand why this method was so widely used.
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mythbusters/images/7/75/Kari-Byron-attack-armor.png/revision/latest?cb=20160507211815
OH SHIT that was way to close for comfort