Gray Compass
Joined 31st Aug, 2013 ·
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Intresting.
7002669 vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/8/84/Flutterbat_flying_vector_by_cr4zyppl-d6zs9np.png/revision/latest?cb=20140105201220&path-prefix=pt
best coverart 2k16
7002680 I wish I had an original drawing of mine to put there, but I never drew Flutterbat. (What a shame)
If that's the cover art of something else, please, I beg you, tell me! Because I'm stupid.
7002694 as far as i know its just a picture to use! i used it for one of mine, i didnt draw it either haha. i just really like the pic cos i adore flutterbat <3
7002694 also your art is awesome and you should totally draw her sometime, just sayin
Wut?
7002697 Hahahaha, sorry for picking up the same picture! I was considering to change this cover art for one of mine authorship -
It's not really Flutterbat, but what do you think? I'd probably crop the picture, to only show her face.
orig15.deviantart.net/1f42/f/2015/318/f/9/mostly_harmless_by_pedrohander-d9gofzu.png
7002739 Well, wouldn't you get a little bit startled if a bat threatened to bite your balls?
I would.
7002699 Thank you kindly Dancer, I'll surely keep that in mind.
This book is short but... it's a 9/10
7002886 Thank you kindly, I wrote this story in two hours, as a training. From now on, I've been planing to publish a new one-shot or two every week.
That was really good.
Really short, but you pulled it off, good balance between lewd and funny.
I'm watching you.
7002754 Oh lol XD was just confused as to what part you were talking about XD
7003015 Hahahaha, thank you kindly!
I'm already working on new stories like these. Next few days will be amazing.
7003016 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH It's okay bro.
Comical Clop! My favorite!
7003039
7002680 Funny seeing you in the comment section. I was just reading through What's the Sound of Two Mimes Dating and lamenting the absolute drought of FlutterMac fanfics as of late when this story popped up in my notifications.
7003259 birds of a feather and all that!
This is a nice little story that I'm glad to see was made. A bit short for my complete tastes, but a damn fine fic all the same. I hope to see you making more FlutterMac in the future because DAMN there aren't enough of them going around these days.
This was great, although I would have liked to see a bit more aftermath.
I'm guessing that they had more to talk about afterwards than Fluttershy's potential cannibalistic tendencies.
Description spelling mistake (possibly)
shouldn't this:
Instead be spelled like this:
This might be a spelling mistake in the description or you intended for it to be written like that, Just wanted to let you know either way
7003517 Thank you kindly, for pointing that out!
7003504
I understand...
Would you possibly read a sequel?
7003259
7003262
Really? Is that happening?
7003712 It certainly feels like it if nothing else. I creep around always looking for more from this ship and it's just been so slow as of late. Sure, FlutterMac has always has its dryspells, but this one feels like its been going on for forever. I certainly hope to see more people in the ranks writing for this ship
7006014
Pretty much inevitable, I suppose. As the show introduces more characters, the variety of ships starts to spread further and further. Especially if the pairing you favor gets very little canon attention.
See also: Marble Pie.
7006198 Well it's not like there's been a surge of MarbleMac shipfics floating around here ever since October, it's just been pretty stagnant overall. I partially blame this on the slow decay of the fandom as we lose top tier fanfic writers (specifically Jujubeeland and Sleepless Brony) and a couple of the popular artists. I mean, FlutterMac is still the most popular Mac ship on derpibooru by a country ass mile, it just comes in short surges with its updates, never a really consistent stream of content.
#FlutterGollum.
Headcanon approved!!!!
7011594 31.media.tumblr.com/e64e8f09cf0ee0c422a779a99d17eb81/tumblr_inline_mgkwo8hp3u1qih9gi.gif
I wandered past your request for some help in the skype chat, and I know the pain of wanting to hear someone really tell you what's wrong with your writing, so here's my attempt to help you out a little bit.
In the first five paragraphs, you probably lost a ton of readers. Every single one of them is a separate, disjointed sentence, all of which just raise random questions that don't work well to build a hook into the story. In those five paragraphs, we have to wonder why she's saying "easy there" to herself, who isn't into these kinds of mares, what does a nickname have to do with any of this, and what even is the nickname, and why Fluttershy liking apples had anything to do with this, and why it wasn't okay today of all days. This is a lot of separate information to process at the very beginning of the story, and definitely isn't going to make anyone instantly invested. It's not until the sixth paragraph that some of these questions are even answered, which makes the ones in between unnecessary.
Instead of just throwing these random lines at us, start out with one focal point: FLuttershy's insatiable desire. Start right off the bat with her trying to deal with it and thinking about her "curse", instead of taking several lines to clue us in on it. It takes even longer to set the story in an actual scene. Everything before Fluttershy wakes up is basically exposition, which is not a drawing factor into a story at all. Even the first line of that paragraph, "In one of those infamous moments of insanity..." is more than an unnecessary introductory preposition, it actually makes it confusing as to whether this is the first line of the scene or not.
Instead of all this you should start with Fluttershy waking up and feeling her body transform. You sprinkle a few good details about the process in there, but you should instead change the exposition into feelings and thoughts that Fluttershy is having about her transformation as she's going through it. Make her think about the implications of what she's going to do while her body changes. Make her feel her body morph into this different, more violent form. Little details happening in the moment are much more exciting to read than if they were presented as exposition.
Things like this are much better presented as part of the prose, instead of in the form of an onomatopoeia that breaks apart the text. You can arose the same effect if you describe the sound and the implications of it instead of just saying "crash".
Okay, so this is sort of a good example of doing details wrong. What exactly is this supposed to mean? That he got a boner? Why not just describe him actually getting a boner? I'm all for shortening the prose to eliminate unnecessary words, but when you do this you just create confusion and possibly get the reader to stop when you could've just described the action normally.
What? I mean, I might be missing something, but this really doesn't make sense showing up right after the final line. I probably would've just gone without this.
For the sex scene you started off kinda sparse on the details towards the beginning, but definitely got better towards the end with it. At times it was kind of mechanical, which obviously are going to make the details seems a bit dry. Try to stay away from things like:
Just the words "applied" and the action of "drawing circular motions" can make an otherwise hot line seem kinda boring.
Overall I'd recommend to try to make the sex scene a little more detail-heavy. You definitely did a good job towards the end of it with the descriptions, but it still wouldn't hurt to think about things like what the characters are feeling in the moment, the smell, the tastes, the touches, the sights, the sounds, the whole nine yards... you get the picture. Try to put more sensory information and really narrow in on specifics to capture the moment and put your reader into it. Things like adverbs are just going to hurt this attempt, so when you start using them, think about things you might be able to flesh out in their place.
Other than that, I did find a few grammatical errors, but nothing serious. The dialogue was kinda ridiculous, but I feel like that was on purpose. Either way I found it pretty funny.
Well that's all I think I have to say on it. I hope you can find something helpful in that wall of text.
7128772
A very appreciated wall of text.
Thank you, really.
This is the kind of point of view I wanted to know. The raw review. With some of the information you provided, I will surely be able to fix and improve a lot in my future stories.
It was very useful, Holy. Thanks for taking your time to read this.
7129465
Anytime, man. I'm happy to help.
You asked for feedback so: I would have upvoted if they were married.
eat the apples, never again did she manage to convince him she was joking,... did she bite what I think she bit?