• Member Since 15th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Dec 1st, 2019

Battle Rarity


The rarest of writing marshmallows.

Comments ( 50 )

freaking awesome hun, cant wait for more!

That was hot. Really hope,there's a sequel with Cadance participating.

Goddammit Cadence always has to come in at the end and say cheating is fine and ruin the fun of it! :twilightangry2:

7004481
What a shame! She is the princess of love after all, even the illicit variety. I'm sure she's quite understanding when it comes to matters of the heart...or other body parts. Doesn't mean she won't have some fun making Shining and Rarity sweat about it, though. I see her as a prankster like that.

Awesome story, it hit all the right notes when it comes to this particular premise, I've been waiting for a story just like this one for some time. While I was reading I did come across a few possible mistakes, but nothing major, here are the ones I remember off the top of my head:

We both know that's what want!"

What you want?

The day your renew your vows

day you renew ?

Aside from that, loved everything about it.

7004826
Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the corrections! I had three friends proofread for me, but there's always a few small things like that which slip through the cracks and must be corrected. I'll get those fixed ASAP!

Kinda don't get it really I think it's stupid in a way plus I think shining armor would be sitting brick's knowing he might be punished for something like that.

7006095
Shining Armor is not a character I play or write very often, since this is a random prompt, so I don't really claim to have a great grasp of him. In my interpretation here, he's so pent up and in need to release that the implications of his infidelity eventually go out the window. He is a stud after all, lack of sex can really do a number on one's reasoning. If you don't care for it, that's fine, probably isn't for you then. Calling it "stupid" isn't exactly helpful feedback, though.

I don't mind I'm just trying to grasp the fact that he would do something like that me and a friend have been talking about it but it is a random writing prompt so that's understandable

7006127
Every canon character I write is an interpretation, based on their character from the show of course, but with liberties taken to suit my own preferences or beliefs regarding their behavior, or the narrative. Every fanfic writer is always writing their own interpretations of characters (if they didn't create them), no matter how close they try to mirror those presented in the show. If my interpretation of a character doesn't match yours, that's perfectly fine, understandable even. It's not "stupid" though, just a difference in presenting a character. The Shining Armor in your interpretation of the character wouldn't do what he did in this story, but mine (in the context of this story) would.

7003903
Never say never! Though, the majority of these random-prompt stories are meant to be one shots, or self-contained.

7003608
Thanks! I hope that I can get another piece of fiction penned by month's end, with any luck.

I really want to up vote this story but, I can't bring myself to ruin the 69 up vote. A perfect score for a clop story like this.

7018945
Well, there's no 69ing in the story, so I'm on board for breaking the 69 barrier!

7018971 But do you know how rare it is for a clop story to end its up vote to 69?

7018980
Probably for a good reason, because if a story did stay at 69 forever, eventually the negative votes would outnumber the positive, and make the fic look poor compared to those with higher votes. Not that votes mean everything of course, but a lot folk look at them to determine if a fic is worth reading or not at first glance.

That last line...

I can't help wondering which she meant. Being so domineering, or being with another mare?

That was absolutely awesome. Though I wonder what Cadence meant with that last sentence...
Was she referring to Shining's pent-up needs? Or maybe the acceptance of a mistress?
I'd like to know what happens next, if you ever plan to make a sequel, that is.

7023031
7023261
Could be any of those, best to draw your own conclusions on Cadence's mindset. :raritywink:

This is meant to be a one shot, though never say never. If I feel like picking up with a sequel someday, then that's what i'll write.

7023892 That's all I needed to hear, it'd be quite interesting, since there aren't any ShiningxRarity fanfics out there

7024062
Very true, there's not much out there. I saw this prompt as a challenge of sorts, to discover a circumstance that fit the two of them.

I would love to see a continuation of this, with Rarity's belly growing big with Shining's foal...

While I was kind of put off by the way Shining acted (even if it was just an act) I have to confess I liked this story. There are some parts that feel a little rushed, and a little more build-up would have been nice, but overall, it wasn't half bad. I'll favorite this, and cross my fingers for a sequel. :twilightsmile:

(P.S. I like happy endings.)

7144226
Thanks, glad you enjoyed it! Since this was a one-line prompt kind of thing, it's not really the sort of tale I'd invest a ton of build-up to, just what needs to happen to let the story unfold. As I've said before, Shining Armor is a character I likely wouldn't have otherwise wrote myself, and have never portrayed in writing or RP, so being utterly spot-on with his characterization wasn't my goal for something that was supposed to be written rather briskly (and still took over a month to get around to publishing. I get lazy without deadlines!). So instead, I gave him more of a pent-up and aggressive persona to take on when the "action" started, which was a lot more fun to write than a semi-bashful, hesitant, and unsure stallion would have been for me. I'd imagine Rarity would have enjoyed that kind of act herself, and Shining would feel more comfortable with his unfaithful actions while under that facade.

I don't intend to write a sequel, but hey, if the mood strikes me to pick it up again, I won't stop myself. My current problem is that I have a bit too many little projects that are 1/4 or 1/2 of the way written, and I just haven't made the time to finish any of them!

:twilightblush: Well, cold me hot and bothered. The thought of Shining siring a love-foal on Rarity is deliciously depraved and scandalous. Love the story, and I certainly wouldn't mind a sequel detailing said illigitmate offspring.

Needs another chapter.

One where Cadance joins in. :ajsmug:

7208929
7165095
Maybe someday I'll write something of a sequel or follow-up; I'd imagine it would be something along the lines of an erotic farce, where Rarity and Shining are trying to conceal their antics from Cadence, who already knows and enjoys playing with their nerves as her own form of "punishment" for their affair. For now, I've got too many other ideas I want to get off my flank and finish, I've gotten lazy with finishing anything!

7210413
Fair enough. Go get 'em, tiger!

If that's what you're planning on doing with the sequel, I'm looking forward to it.

Take your time though, do what you wanna do first. :twilightsmile:

7210413 A possible sequel huh? I could imagine Cadance being all friendly with Rarity, being involved in her pregnancy because -insert explanation Rarity tells her for "not knowing or not being willing to say who" the father is-. That could be pretty damn funny.

7222501
Perhaps, if she did end up with foal I'd imagine Cadence would know pretty quickly, once she detected the ensuing panic in both Rarity and Shining Armor, but that would be something they'd find out at a bit more than a week or so down the line. When it comes to most of my writing, I always prefer pregnancy to be a real risk, but not totally assured, unless it was for storytelling purposes (like a story centered on pregnancy). Thus, I have a little system of random chance that I implement to see if it does indeed happen (and of course, the more a raunchy couple screws unprotected, the higher the chance nature takes its course).

7222612 A random chance that increases the more they screw? Grab a dice, 1-3=not preg/4-6=preg. The more they screw, the more sides mean preggers. Isn't the chance in humans only like 2-6% chance each try? Bah, ignore me.

7222952
It's somewhat more complicated than that, but I won't get into the dice of it; though I do try to approximate a rough idea of the reproductive process, with some allowances because magical cartoon horses. With humans, there are so many variables in conception to take into consideration that I wouldn't even try to make a near-accurate representation of it, just an adequately-accurate one.

The first part of this I liked. Yet once Shining started insulting and degrading Rarity, even feeling in my option to have a ver negative personality shift, with Rarity accepting and allowing it to go farther. Even taking on a Master/slave relationship... I grew frustrated.

That isn't something I see Shining doing nor something I would see Rarity accepting. More, I don't like anyone degrading and insulting my favorite mare, after Twilight. I wanted to throw Shining to the the moon reading this, or at least knock him a good one.

7234440
To each their own. I took it in the direction I wanted to take it, and dirty talk/degrading speech in the midst of a tryst is something I enjoy, and could see my interpretations of the characters getting into. Shining is pent up and frustrated with the recent few months of celibacy, so such chatter isn't a too far-fetched way of getting those feelings out harmlessly and pleasurably. Meanwhile, Rarity has led him astray, a virtuous stallion she used to lust after in her youth, thus the dominance and degradation feeds into that fantasy of tempting Shining from his knightly principles while violating her own as a proper lady.

It's not a kink for everyone, some people would probably prefer a more lovey-dovey intimate encounter; to me, those are somewhat dull to write, because they more-or-less play out the same. I like putting my own spin on things, but my spin probably isn't for everyone. Dirty Talk is in the description of the story, so if you see any of my writings that have such a tag, probably best to avoid those if its not your cup of tea. Rarity is my favorite mare too (obviously), so don't take it too hard, it's just some fun smut after all!

7234860
Fair enough, it is true everyone has their fetish and kinks. Myself I like seduction, incest, illicit affairs, teacher/student, even master/ slave to an extent. For me the act of enticing and convincing is more exciting then dominance and control, especially where such can be met with disapproval or considered taboo if such a relationship was found out.

What I don't much like at all is abuse, insults and degradation, rape (sometimes this can work, matter how it is handled, but mostly a firm no), inflation, oviposition, vore, and scat.

7234894
The degradation in the story was consensual, and a part of their sinful tryst, so I wouldn't really call it abuse so much as a racy sort of role-play, a mannerism to distance themselves somewhat from the adultery they're both committing. Plus, it was a lot more fun for me to write a more dominant, aggressive Shining in the intercourse than a hesitant and somewhat submissive one. That characterization got me so invested in the scene to the point where I wrote the bulk of it in a single evening. If you're not a fan of that sort of thing, I would suggest not reading stories that have dirty talk in them, because that's often what it'll be (at least, in mine); just like you wouldn't read a story with a rape tag, for instance, because you know it'd be something you wouldn't enjoy.

7235019
Again, fair... And I admit the fault is my own. I read the discription but not the tags.

In my defense though even if I had it may have been for not, as dirty talk for me is not the same as degradation. One could merely have "dirty talk" be explicit and suggestive, that which you would not say in polite company.

7235041
Degradation is a form of dirty talk, but not all dirty talk is degradation. Calling someone a "Bitch" or a "Whore" is, for example, both, but it's not abuse when it's part of a consensual kink, especially with some measure of aftercare or playfulness afterwards, as depicted in the story. Now, if someone were to, say, chain a character up and call them such things during non-consensual sex acts, that would clearly be abuse, but then again, such a story would be tagged for that content. I would also use a more implicit degradation tag for a story with more long-term consequences for the character being degraded (such as branding, marking of some sort, or mental anguish). Since verbal degradation falls under my definition of dirty talk, that's how I tag it. I would say Rarity probably didn't feel degraded at the end of that encounter; if anything, it added to the excitement for her, so it isn't worthy of a degradation tag.

So close, yet so far.

Having done BDSM topics myself, I'm familiar with degradation and power play, but there is a critical weakness here that undermines the mood: where does it start? The turn came like a sudden whiplash and wasn't given time to role play out. I could accept that they might share such a kink, but they neither discussed it nor mentioned it until they were already in full swing. What started as a little taboo as long as everyone was hush-hush bloomed into something completely different.

It isn't an infidelity story because the cuckquean aspect takes center stage, it's entirely a dirt talk/power play story. It rips the focus completely away and by the time I got myself mentally caught up to the shift, the story ended. Perhaps if there was a little more buildup to the kink, it wouldn't come off as something so harsh, but as is, the description should really be reworked to reflect that aspect. Make sure it's exactly what's stated on the tin because that dirty talk takes far more importance than the description gives it.

Lastly, the obvious sequel-bate. I get why you did it; I really do. I've edited stories where Cadance gets a little from someone other than her husband in the past. I don't like what is done here however because ask yourself from a structural standpoint: why does this exist in this story? What purpose does it serve, or what is it supposed to make readers feel? It comes after the sex, so we're already on the downward slope of emotions (assuming the spank bate does the intended job), no one knows she's there, no one interacts with her, and she does nothing else. From a kink point of view, it interferes with the cuckquean portion because Cadance now knows her husband has been adulterous. The sole purpose for it existing is to leave readers with the impression that a sequel can occur.

A sequel can occur regardless if readers know she's watching or not. You don't need to hold it up to the reader and point it out to them,

In short, the description doesn't adequately represent the content, the build up to that content does not have a good enough foundation to make it believable, and some unneeded sequel-bate. Don't know how to feel about this one.

7250786
That might be the longest comment I've ever read on Fimfiction! Thanks for taking the time! I remember reading and enjoying a few chapters from the adult version of your Journyman series, and I like your bard avatar too, which I remember from the D&D 3.5 player's handbook. It's always nice to get feedback from another writer.

Maybe it's just me or my pre-readers, but I've not had anyone else mention a feeling of whiplash regarding the events. The build-up and execution was indeed somewhat quick, in that there wasn't a long series of chats or reveals regarding that, but this was meant to be more of a "scene" than a character exploration vehicle over a longer time period. This spawned from a sent writing prompt that was literally "RarityxShining Armor," so expanding it beyond a scene was never my original intent, and I didn't want to overstay my welcome with my first fic. That's just how the character interpretations and the actions played out in my head.

I don't see how it wasn't an infidelity story. The characters were hesitant about the action for the sake of the marriage, it wasn't approved by the opposite spouse before the act itself, and there are perceived consequences for discovery or the act itself from both a personal and social standpoint, so it fits that mold. The rest of the kinks certainly come into play too; but I don't label my tags based on which kinks are necessarily the most prominent in the story, only what is present. The cuckquean dynamic is something I didn't really think about when writing it until you just mentioned it, because it wasn't a huge part of the story since Cadence, the one being cheated on, doesn't take an active role in the proceedings. If she did, it would be deserving of such a tag, but since she's on the sidelines and more of an interlude to round things out, I don't believe it warrants it.

I never intended to write a sequel for this when I penned it, so the ending isn't sequel bait, though perhaps it reads that way to some. This was written as a one-shot, but several readers have been asking for a sequel since I posted it, so maybe someday I'll write one if the mood strikes me. Cadence's appearance at the end was to add another little twist to the proceedings; I thought it would be fun to reveal that the romp had an unexpected witness, an extra layer that might make the reader think of how the Cadence in their mind's eye reacted to what she saw, and what she intends to do about it. Was it entirely necessarily in retrospect? Probably not, but it's the way I wanted to end the story at the time, and none of my pre-readers complained, so that's how it ended.

I'm sorry that you're left conflicted with my work, but you're more of an experienced writer yourself, so you probably have a critical eye for certain things that most people wouldn't. I don't particularly see any reason to modify the description or edit/change the text though, as I'd rather keep the work more-or-less as is, minus any new typographical or grammar errors unearthed. That way, +10 stories later, I can look back down the line and see what's changed, and the reception to that change. Plus, I've got so much to do already that lingering on any past missteps will only slow me down.

That was great! I agree with the general consensus that Shining got mean very fast, and I wonder if a bit more build-up or goading from Rarity might have made it feel more natural. The contrast of him being a sweetie beforehand and then a total deviant in lovemaking was really hot, though!

I noticed the story switched between past and present tense a few times, but it wasn't overly disruptive. I also spotted a few very minor typos which I've included below:

Rarity retorts while rubbing her plan against his swelling flare, the sinfulness of their act all the more tantalizing. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Plan" should be something else, unless I'm mistaken?

"That's the thing, Rarity," He snickered with devilish intent, infatuated with their game and his fellow player. "You're too beautiful of a wench to just anypony use you, so I figure..."

Should have a "let" in there somewhere.

7529776
Thanks for the feedback, and plucking out those errors on my part. I could have built things up more in retrospect, but hey, I think it turned out okay even if a bit rushed. It was my first published smutfic, and I was so excited that I kinda wanted to get it out in the wild.

I always try to write in past-tense (as prose is supposed to be), but since I do a lot of RP, and write that in present tense, sometimes I slip up and end up mixing up. It's a bad habit, and one I try to correct; but as I'm sure you know, the more you re-read something the less likely you are to see the remaining errors hidden inside it. I do have a couple folks I ask to proof-read my material, but some things always end up slipping through the cracks in the end. It's not a huge deal though.

"Plan" should have been "Palm," a very small but important error that's super hard to see! Also, it should be "to let just anypony..." I must have lost the Let someplace. Oops! Those errors should be fixed now!

Have you considered a sequel showing the baby and another round between the prince and his mistress?

7628689
As I said, never really intended to write a follow-up. But, if I have some fun ideas for it and people seem to want it, then it'll get on my to-do list! I'd probably pen a comedic sequel in that case, with Rarity and Shining trying to hide their affair from Cadence during the celebrations in the coming days, even as she knowingly walks in and puts them in "danger" of being discovered when things are heating up.

7629366 I would ask that you make it so.

7631147
"Number One, make it so."

Dumb references aside, I'll keep that in mind; though I want to actually finish a few of the half-done stories I need to work on right now rather than start something new.

8962374
Thanks, glad you liked it before that point; Cadence's character in this story is a bit of a "free love" sort of gal, and if I ever wanted to write a sequel to this, I would make her intrusions and the risk of "discovery" of the pair a source of comic mischief at Rarity/Shining's expense. If I were to re-write this, I'd probably make it a separate optional chapter, or segmented with little asterisks, so that people can opt to ignore it if they wished without having to delete parts of the story. Still, it was my first published story here, and I'm happy that folks still give it a read! :raritywink:

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