Shadowing Spectrums parents get murdered, Shadowing goes to an orphanage, killer clown what to kill her and everyone else in the orphanage so there are no witnesses, but he fails.
Pre-read by Brony Philosopher
There might be a little bit of gore later on.
I've posted this before, but I had gotten upset by something stupid and unposted it.
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Wow!? That just happen. How did you improve... that much?!
7603782 I like to think that it was high school
but other than that I don't know 
7603782 so do you see anything I could try to do better? So far
7817131
Yeah, and this makes me wanna oxidize
You could make the minor say " hey, what did you do that for?
"I'm... sorry? I thought you were attacking..."
I was just out for a walk"
"But the roaring"
"I was just yawning at the great morning we have today "
I
7607318
I meant an actual Ursa Major and it can't talk in this story.
It's an adult, majors are just adult versions of the minors,and like real bears, which pelts so thick that t a they don't back down so easily. And plus, that escalated quickly. You immediately start off with a full blown boss. And how big is an ursa major? imagine the ursa minor standing in front of twilight. His fat body streches horizontally somewhat bigger than a 1 story building. Then, go about... let just say 20% bigger. That is almost as big as an ursa major's purple saber tooth head. If you want the full body, you'll have to stack up three spikezillas atop of each other, so three times the size. I really doubt rainbow dash with a sonic rainboom could even come close to any real damage to the thing. Just Its skin will stop her in her tracks.
You need a struggle in the fight, even what twilight did wasn't fighting, and yet she struggled more than shadow did to defeat only an ursa minor.
Struggling is what makes a fighting good in most stories
7607937 your advice is always good, to a point that when I realize that you're right and it makes me feel stupid.
7607937 I finally found out how to somewhat get pictures from my (thing?) anyway here it is cdn-img.fimfiction.net/story/hvqk-1475349438-348454-full
7607937 hello I added more the story and would like it if took a look.
This provoked my iron
There's no hell or religion that believes in hell in the mlp universe, there's tartarus instead."
.
I see so many errors, find them all. I'll give you one, big is a dead word.
7607996
I often have that 'I feel stupid' effect on people even though I never considered myself a nerd
7817220 you lost me on the last two and what about the second part?
7817357 Sorry, that wasn't the whole incorrect part of the paragraph.
So many, errors. I'm gonna let you figure.
Don't use the word hell, it makes no sense.
Just find all the mistakes inside the quote from your story.
7817375 how many words does the story have from your point of view?
Reveal not revile!
Well not will
7817357 Okay, you've improved in story telling skills since the last time. However, the original part of the story is still a giant mess, but the added story is a heck lot better. So here's the deal, since you've become a better writer, you should read the Intro until you reach the scene transition, that's where the original part of the story ends and the added one begins. Then, you must find all the mistakes in the story itself. That's pretty much it.
7817411 what?
7817505 Did you reread the story yet? What would you say about it now?
7819064 no I haven't reread it yet. I was planning to tomorrow with Christmas and all going on. But form what I looked at your right I do need to go through it again.