No, thought princess Luna, Equestria is going to collapse, even with the Elements of Harmony. Princess Celestia has been missing for a while now, and the crystal heart is breaking. "Where can she b-" Before Luna could finish her sentence, a explosion was heared coming from the direction of Sweet Apple Acres...
This is my first story, so its bound to have mistakes.
Contains gore & cu$$ words.
Also, I am using Xbox, so it takes a LONG time to do a proper chapter, so yeah:· But I can do things that PC can't!
And please tell me how I made you happy or Snow White Grumpy for the sake of better stories!
Cancelled for reasons.
Chapters (8)
I have a few things I feel need to be pointed out:
1) When you're doing dialogue, always start a new paragraph with a new speaker. Even if someone says one word, it starts a new paragraph.
2) Descriptions are your friend. Don't say "steel heli" and expect the reader to understand. Don't reference other things like: (if you know this, you'll get the reference.). This will just aggravate the reader. Describe what is being seen. If you were in Equestria and you saw a helicopter, you'd describe it without calling it a helicopter, after all.
3) Don't rush your story. You go from strange creatures crashing at Sweet Apple Acres to war. Literally in the span of a few seconds. Not to mention that nobody noticed the army gathering in Ponyville?
Just a few suggestions to hopefully help in the future.
Thanks for the help. This IS my first story, so I expected I would need to do better in some areas.
You should change your description. "Mane 6" is a fan name, change it to "The Elements". Also don't capitalize that it's your first story, a simple line of text will do.
Also, it should be "An explosion was heard coming from the direction of Sweet Apple Acres."
thanks.
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What can an X-BOX do that a PC can't?
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AND A TON MORE.
Regan is my hero, so he deserves the role better than Obama.
The Beatles? Hmmm...Even though I personaly am ok with them, I can add them with the FF bros.