Day 4.5 GPW VII
I remember it as if it were yesterday.
I was just working in my carrot garden, as usual. I happened to look up as I was wiping the sweat off my brow. And that was when the chaos started.
I nudged Bon-bon quickly. “Hey sis!” I said. She looked up and saw what I saw.
Shining Armor and Discord were rolling up to our house on a pair of scooters.
“This is gonna suck.” Bon-bon said.
I had to agree.
When Princess Celestia first implemented the S-class royal guard project, it was meant to be a secret affair. And so, groups of four would be placed, discreetly, in each town. That way, every town would have a first response system for tragedies, and nopony would know.
To be discreet, they were set up with cover stories about being relatives of ponies in town. They lived with those ponies… usually big families who needed the government offered stimulus that came with the group, and were just a tad more concerned for their children than the others were about the numerous enemies ponykind seemed to have stacked against them.
Our parents were one such family. Our oldest brother had… had a closer encounter with a Hydra. In response, our older sister tried to join the guard and didn’t even make it through basic training before there was an attack on Canterlot. Our other two brothers, younger than us, were stolen from our own backyard by Diamond Dogs.
After so much loss, of course our parents agreed to take in a squad of S-class guards. As a result, Bon-bon and I managed to live to adulthood.
When we inherited the house, we both agreed that we should carry on the tradition and help keep S-class guards sheltered under our roof. Secretly, I think we were both hoping for something like the hunky stallions who’d protected us through foalhood. But we got…
Well, we got Special class guards, if you get my drift.
The leader of the squad was an earth pony named Hard Spike. But we called him Mr. Moustache. On account of his moustache. Seriously, that thing had its own orbit.
Apparently, he used to be a volleyball player, before his left hindhoof injury. After that, he was a tennis player, before a cutthroat competitor broke both his forelegs. Then he took up Badminton, until his concussion. He made a name for himself in Squash for a while, until he accidentally swallowed all of the balls in a single game and then they turned out to be parasprites. And after his table-top tennis career…
Well, let’s just say that becoming a eunuch convinced him to take up a safer career, like being a Royal Guardspony.
Since he can no longer grow facial hair, he has refused to shave his moustache.
For obvious reasons, he wasn’t really ‘special somepony’ material.
Next was his lieutenant, a grey pegasus named Derpy Hooves. As if the name wasn’t a giveaway, she had a slightly abusive mother. When Princess Cadence fond out and rescued her one night, not only did Derpy swear fealty to the crown, but she swore to be the best mother ever. That’s why she’s my best friend. No matter how clumsy or goofy or downright destructive she can be, she always keeps her promises. Our relationship is… complicated. But through thick and thin, she’ll always be my best friend, and I love her little Dinky half to death.
It’s not easy being a single mother, and the best mother ever, and an S-class royal guard, and a mailpony, and a special needs patient, and the secret author of the Daring Do series (originally bedtime stories for Dinky, and only very loosely based off of Derpy’s own adventures with the dangerous parts cut out), and the godmother of an amnesiac who didn’t speak any known language, and the only pony to successfully infiltrate Ponyville’s secret gang of illegal jelly manufacturers and maintain her cover for ten years as of last month, and a truly gifted bubble flute player to boot. I guess that’s why she retired from the Wonderbolts, just too much on her plate.
My sister Bon-bon was friends with the other mare of the group, a mint-green unicorn named Lyra. While Derpy and I were best friends, Lyra and Bon-bon were almost inseparable. They reminded me of Basil of Baker Street stories, Lyra being the fearless genius running off on adventures, and Bon-bon being the best friend that kept some common sense close at hand. They were always off on some whirlwind adventure together.
Lyra had the… curious special talent of playing with a stallion’s emotions like a harp. Or a mare’s. Or a minotaur’s. Or a griffon’s. Or a dragon’s. Or a wild animal’s. Or a windigo’s. Or an inanimate object’s! Surprisingly, she was also a surly rough-and-tumble kind of mare, never one to back down from a challenge. I’ve seen her wrestle buffalos to the ground, despite her frail appearance. Thankfully, I’m immune to her charms, by virtue of possessing the rare commodity of common sense, and Bon-bon is one of the few ponies she respects. Lyra talks back to Celestia for crying out loud!
And the last pony of the ragtag ensemble was Bigs McLargehuge. He was… big… and large… and huge… and frankly I tried to avoid him as much as possible. He was a pegasus, though you couldn’t tell to look at him. He wanted to be in the Wonderbolt division, but for now he was stuck as an S-class guard. Not that being S-class was any less honorable. The Wonderbolts were actually of a lower rank. But being a Wonderbolt came with prestige that being a plainclothes agent lacked.
Bigs wasn’t very good at… subtle.
I will never forget the night he asked me out, by playing heavy metal in the backyard and shooting ‘a romantic fireworks display’ at me.
Nor will I forget the subsequent beating Derpy laid on him.
Dinky made our popcorn with a divine carrot sauce.
But I digress.
Having lived such a life, it’s easy to see why my sister and I were worried to see our houseguest’s boss and the Spirit of Chaos coming to our front door.
Lyra and Bigs were in the backyard; Lyra was lying on a fainting couch, working on her tan, while Bigs was doing push-ups with said fainting couch on his back, along with a piano, a safe, and a pair of anvils. Spike was on the roof, practicing BASE jumping. Ominously, I had no idea where Derpy was.
A recipe for disaster, if only Discord had a cookbook.
Oh. Wait. He probably does.
My fears were slightly abated when Discord opened his mouth for the first time. “Hi!” Discord said, in a bright cheery voice. “What’s your name?”
“Does telling you our names give you some sort of eldritch power over us?” Bon-bon asked. Having been on more adventures than me, I deferred to her judgment in this matter.
“I don’t think so.” Discord said, crossing his eyes in innocent thought, in a manner which was not reassuring.
“At ease Carrot Top.” Shining Armor said, rolling to a stop on his scooter. “Twilight ambushed him with a ‘reform’ spell this morning. He’s harmless now.”
“I’ve asked Shining Armor to help me make friends!” Discord said, with a wide beaming smile.
Bon-bon, however, was still wary. “How does a ‘reform spell’ work?” She asked.
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow. As impossible as it was, he respected Bon-bon too. As the only mare ever able to talk any sense into Lyra, and as a mare who’s been on enough adventures to know how these things work.
“The reform spell sister used, works on the principle of shifting his highest ideal in life to another, in this case from chaos to friendship.” Shining Armor explained.
But that wasn’t enough for Bon-bon. “Discord is the spirit of chaos! What if chaos wasn’t his highest ideal, just his highest ideal today and it’ll change tomorrow? What if Discord switched spells while Twilight wasn’t looking, and he’s only pretending to be brainwashed? What if Twilight herself cast the spell wrong accidentally?”
“That’s a risk we’re willing to take.” Shining Armor said sternly.
“I’ve gotta back Shining Armor on this one.” I told my sister. “On the one hoof, we have a Discord finding out he’s been brainwashed and destroying the world. On the other hoof, we have a Discord who never gets brainwashed and destroys the world. Granted, both are worst case scenarios, but I’m all for lobotomizing the incarnation of all that is evil.”
Bon-bon hesitated, and shrugged.
“You two are pretty cool!” Discord said eagerly. “Will you be my friends?”
“Only if you promise not to turn me into anything unnatural when you inevitably overcome your re-programming.” Bon-bon said, shaking his talon with a sigh.
“Yay!” Discord said gleefully.
That was when Lyra came up behind us. “You can be my friend too handsome.” She told Discord, winking at him.
That incorrigible tease. This was a match made in Tartarus.
“I’m making so many new friends today!” Discord exclaimed, clapping his hands. “Are you doing anything later?”
I’m fairly sure my eyeballs flew out of their sockets at that.
Lyra smiled and said; “I’m free on Thursday.”
And then, everything went wrong at once.
“Geronimooooo!!” Cried Mr. Moustache, as he jumped off the roof. He pulled the shute on his parachute, only for Bigs to pop out of his backpack, doing bicep curls with a pair of dumbbells that replaced bells with anvils.
The horrified look they shared when they saw each other, was rivaled only by the terrified looks on their faces when they realized their boss was watching.
And then they fell.
Mr. Moustache landed first. “Well, that wasn’t so bad –” He began to say, before Bigs landed on top of him. “Still not the worst injury I’ve –” And then came the dumbbells. “Okay, I definitely felt that one –” And then the piano fell on him. “Derpy!? Izzat you!?”
Derpy fell to the ground face-first with a resounding crash. Her mailbag tipped open, but instead of letters out came –
“Spideeeerrss!!” Derpy squealed, rolling around on the ground, trying desperately to get them out of her mane. “Why did it have to be spiders? Oh Celestia, they’re all over me, get them off!”
I quickly rushed to her side, and after tossing the mailbag away I began brushing the spiders out of her mane. “I didn’t know you were scared of spiders Derpy!” I said, making small-talk to take my mind off of the chaos. “Why, you weren’t nearly this panicky when you were sword-fighting The Giant Flying Phantom Of The ArachneQueen From 20,000 Fathoms!”
“Dinky was in danger then!” Derpy cried. “Oh somepony get ‘em offa me!”
“What are they doing?” Bon-bon asked.
Derpy gasped, and began to gather the creepy crawlys up. “They’re mail! They’re writing their messages with their webs! Everypony look away, it’s illegal to read other peoples OH CELESTIA THEY’RE IN MY TAIL WHY!!!???”
“Wait a minute, this one’s for me!” Lyra jolted forward, snatching a big hairy tarantula up. The ugly spider began to write out a message in a web, and Lyra had to lean forward close to read it.
“Dear… Lyra… is… your… refrigerator…”
And then the wall exploded, and the refrigerator jumped out. The refrigerator had somehow sprouted four hooves, and ran atop of Mr. Moustache to make its escape.
“Oh no!” I cried. “My fruit salad!”
“Don’t worry!” Derpy cried back, as she desperately stuffed her saddles full of the spiders. “I already emptied it! Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew!”
“You what?”
Thankfully, Shining Armor leaped to the job. He pushed his scooter to its limit, before jumping off and sliding in front of the Refrigerator, swinging the scooter around and deftly using it to trip the rogue fridge up. When the refrigerator was on the ground, he swung his scooter around the fridge and used it to put the thing in a choke-hold.
I think he must have put it in a choke-hold reflexively, because he immediately realized how ridiculous putting a fridge in a choke-hold was, and instead just sat on the fridge, and used the scooter to roll it over to where we were panicking.
“Is Hard Spike all right?” He asked.
“It’ll take more than that to slow me down Captain.” Said Mr. Moustache, just before he took a step forward and caught his foot in a rabbit hole, probably twisting it.
“Is there something you want to tell us Discord?” Shining Armor asked.
“Only that your scooter moves are bodacious!” Discord cheered.
And then Dinky ran up, yelling; “Mom! Mom!”
“Dinky!” I said. “Shouldn’t you be in school?”
“Sorry auntie Carrot, but this is important!” She skidded to a stop. “I think Discord’s gone mad! Ponies are tripping on exploding banana peels, and Mayor Mare’s hair is growing real fast, Spike thinks he’s invisible so he’s dancing in front of everypony naked, and Twilight’s actually losing in a brainiac competition!”
All eyes turned to Discord.
“What did you do?” Shining Armor asked.
“Me? I’ve been here the whole time, making friends.” Discord gave him a serious puppy eye pout.
And then Lyra and Bon-bon facehoofed and they shed some light on the situation. “Congratulations Shining Armor, you’ve brainwashed the wrong Discord.”
“Well, even if you’re the wrong Discord, are you still up for Thursday?” Lyra asked, batting her eyes.
/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/\
He turned around, and I swear his little heart stopped for a second.
“Hello.” I said, smiling my I’m-going-to-turn-you-into-a-cake-and-force-your-parents-to-eat-it smile.
His eyes shrunk to pinpricks, and he made a mess all over where he was standing.
“So you remember me, good.” I laughed, my voice echoing through the hedges and flowers. “Because I remember you. And your father. And your mother. And your brothers. And your cousins. And your second cousins. I remember your entire family, and you are owed comeuppance.”
The poor little guy tried to run, but I snatched him up in my hand.
“Oh no.” I said with a smile. “You knew who I was when you defecated on me, just as your great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandmother did."
“And then, after I punished you on my first escape, when things went back to normal not only did you continue your inane ritual of never ending misery, but you taught your children to do it to.” My smile grew wider. “Don’t worry, I’ve already dealt with them.”
The pigeon in my hand squawked and squirmed. Oh, this little terror had been defecating my statue since he was a hatchling, and I would brook no further annoyances from him, or any of his family.
Being frozen meant I had a lot of time on my hands. Time enough to decipher the language of the pigeons, and begin listening in on their conversations, tracking them. Every second they spent complaining about the berries they ate that morning as they perched on my shoulder, I listened to. Every time one of them announced they were leaving the nest, I listened. Every time one of them hatched an egg, I watched. Unless I counted incorrectly, there were 3,519 pigeons directly descended from the original couple who had used my statue as a repository for their filth.
Currently, there was only one left. And I do so prefer left to right.
“I saved you for last.” I said, stroking the little feathery fiend. “You see, lately, I tricked foal into giving me carte blanche to do whatever to an unspecified number of my vermin. It wasn’t easy, let me assure you. But when she saw the prank she’d planned for the mailmare went wrong, she couldn’t help but ask me to ‘get rid of those icky things’.”
I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “I saved you for last… but what greater horror to visit upon you? Perhaps I could just leave you as you are?” I wondered. “Knowing the fate that awaits your family? Or maybe not knowing the terror your family is in? Or… no, you deserve something deliciously despairing. And without hope, there can be no despair.”
With a wide grin, I set the pigeon down. “Here’s the deal, Mr. Breadcrumb.” I explained. “I have turned all of your relatives into a unique little pony device called a toilet.” I giggled with delight at the expression that came over the pigeon’s face. “I see you’ve heard of them. Maybe you should have learned to use them before you used me.”
I ignored the pigeon’s blustering about my parentage. I happened to agree with him about my father. “You have a chance to save your hatchlings.” I said, much to the pigeon’s shock. “If, and only if, you can take a potty break on each and every other alicorn. Do this and I will release them, and the rest of your family, from my spell.” I smiled at the look of the pigeon’s confidence deflating. “I hear there are around twenty alicorns now. Good luck with the not dying.”
I turned my back on him, and left without a word.
“That felt so, so, good!” I boasted to Scootaloo, as I passed her and Soylent who were watching on the other side of the hedge.
“What did you say to him?” Scootaloo asked. She had, of course, been out of earshot.
“Oh, I just tried to explain to him that what he did was wrong, and when that didn’t work, I made it so that every little tweet that came out of his mouth would sound like a toilet being flushed.”I explained, lying as easily as Celestia rose the sun.
Scootaloo was still curious though. “Why is it… greyer?” She asked.
I pondered a bit. Yes, Scootaloo had proven accepting of my lifestyle before. But she only thought I was a magical prankster, like her idol Rainbow Dash. She thought I was funny. While I was loathe to take away her laughter, maybe it would be wiser to tell her about my darker side. Before she found out second-hoof. And if she was accepting, especially at this young of an age, she would be more receptive to future grooming in becoming the new queen of –
No, I had to hedge my bets. The odds were against me even lasting a month, let alone making Scootaloo become a queen. If I did last a month, that plan would be easy. Now that Shining Armor had tipped his hand and revealed his sister could brainwash me, I had to plan for the least chaotic outcome. And if I did get sent back to prison, with Scootaloo being sent to live with Shining Armor and Princess Cadence, then it would be even more fun if she didn’t have any emotional scars. That way, the three of them wouldn’t bond over the healing process, and she’d doubt I was ever really evil to begin with.
Still, it never hurt to bet on the long shot. If, by chance, Scootaloo did the unpredictable and became an award winning scientist, then I would have failed to stop her from doing good. But if I told her about how inventions can be used for evil, she won’t go down that path. Not that she was ever likely to go down that path, but predicting the unpredictable has gotten me an unfair way in life so far.
“Well you see.” I explained. “Back in the days when I was still dating Excess, I got together with some of my buddies. We were the first ever villains of Equestria, Me, Excess, Sombra, and Antagonizer. We were present at the birth of clichés. We set the trends. Antagonizer sang the first Villain Song. Sombra introduced kingdoms to Tyranny. Excess was the first being to ever to vow revenge on her foes. I invented the goatee! And also maniacal laughter.”
Discord chuckled, and for the most part Soylent looked as vacant as ever and Scootaloo looked worried but not yet terrified.
“We met up every once in a while, and it was during one such meeting, that Sombra began to ponder a more effective method of controlling the ponies under his Empire. At the time, the Crystal Kingdom was indeed the base of his operation, but his empire was quickly spreading, and he was currently at open war with Neighpan and the Minotaur kingdoms were revolting from his rule.”
“Excess pointed out that her mind control was a very subtle art, and Antagonizer believed a sedative poison would do the trick. It was I who put the two together, and mixed in my own special brand of chaos.”
“We invented the art of Kaeling. Although, nowadays folks call it ‘Grayscaling’.” What? Just because I name some of my evil creations HAPPYFUNTIMESWALL doesn’t mean I can’t evoke a mythical feel in another aspect of my geniusness.
I glanced at Scootaloo and she seemed enthralled. “There are some venoms and viruses that are magical in nature, that can spread through a pony like any disease, but effect the soul not the mind. Kaeling is the art of taking the venom in the blackest hearts, namely ours, and using words to conduct that blackness and fill another pony with it.”
Discord grinned. “Everypony has flaws Scootaloo. I mean, I’m fairly sure I don’t have any. But every single pony has a point of weakness, and if you know the right thing to say, you can shatter them. Kaeling, in it’s earliest forms, turns a pony’s coat grey. If it continues, however, it’s theoretically possible to kill a pony.”
Discord sighed, and shook his head. He’d never killed anypony before. It would be a sad waste of life; living ponies were interesting, and dead ponies were not.
“Sombra was the only one of us who took it that far. Antagonizer was okay, but not as skilled as the rest of us when it came to Kaeling. Sombra, however, was a prodigy. I still don’t believe him when he said that he used Kaeling to kill a pony. But believe it, he took the time to personally Kael every single one of the ponies in his empire, and it’s said that Celestia and Luna had to fight Sombra from a distance, and fuse his throat shut first, or he would have Kaelled them before they could even activate the elements.”
“So that’s what you did to the pidgeon?” Scootaloo asked, looking at the grey pigeon as it flew away. “You hurt him enough with words that it turned… grey?” She looked at Discord with confusion. “You invented a spell thing that’s really difficult to use… that turns ponies grey.”
“It doesn’t just turn them grey.” Discord said, rather put out. “It hurts them.”
“Words hurt.” Scootaloo said, nodding at the way she made sense in her own little world. “Magic turns ponies grey. The only difference between Kaeling and saying something really nasty, is that you turn ponies grey.”
“That is such a gross oversimplification.” Discord informed her with a glare. “Kaeling ponies ensures they do not recover from their pain unless magic intervenes. It also makes certain that they continue to regress, until they are as evil as the villains who Kaeled them. Also, Kaeling just forms an outer shell. Unless the ponies would normally react to a Kaeling as they would to ‘just words’ then they’re actually still sane inside of their grey shell.”
And now Scootaloo was actually paling. “That’s… that’s kind of evil.” She said, in her naïve understating way.
Time to assuage her fears. “Don’t worry.” I said, patting her on the head with my tail. “It was only one pigeon, and believe me, that pigeon deserved it. Now, let’s get back to –”
And then I felt it. The anticipatory buzzing, that overwhelming rush of predator scenting prey, that alarm bell in the back of my mind had awoken.
“Say, Scootaloo.” I grinned, winking at the filly. “I can think of two… younger ponies we haven’t pranked yet. And they just set off the alarm I set for a pony bullying you. It seems they didn’t learn their lesson since yesterday.”
Scootaloo stared at me, then began to grin, with dawning comprehension. “Oh yes.” Scootaloo giggled. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Just don’t Kael them!”
“Oh please!” I chuckled, as I faded out of her sight. “When have I ever been that predictable?”
As I materialized in the school ground, I flexed my shape shifting muscles and became a sweet and supposedly innocent looking colt. I decided on a unicorn, because pegasi were beginning to grow passé. My left was black, my right was white, I had buckteeth, and a scruffy rainbow-colored mane.
I suppose it would be fairly obvious who I was, if you were looking for me.
I strutted up to where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were standing over the Cutie Mark Crusaders, minus one Sweetie and plus one copy cat.
“And that’s what you get for telling your daddy about us!” Diamond Tiara was yelling. She and Silver Spoon wore identical looks of triumph. “From now on, we’re gonna make sure you remember how useless you are every day!”
“Lay off her Tiara!” Applebloom said, stepping in front of her friend’s clone.
“Yes, lay off her Tiara.” I said with my I-do-not-know-what-is-going-to-happen-to-you-but-I-know-that-I-will-enjoy-it smile.
All four of them jumped out of their skin. Only the Scootafaux managed to remain calm.
“Who are you?” Sweetie Belle asked.
“Don’t you recognize me?” I asked, chuckling rather wickedly. “I’m Discord! Now pocket sized, for your convenience.”
I’ll give her credit; even though they were all but petrified with terror, Tiara still managed to hold onto that tiny thread of confidence that let her think she was superior.
“W-we were just ah…” She held out the chart. “This says it’s okay to bully Scootaloo at exactly 1:53…”
“If I may see that chart?” I asked. The confused filly handed the chart over, and Discord nodded sagely. “Yes, alright, fine. But you missed one important detail.” With a broad grin, I pointed to the hurt filly wannabe on the ground. “That’s not Scootaloo.”
“What d’ya mean?” Applebloom said, in a tone that was almost a growl. “Of course she’s Scootaloo!”
“Nope.” Discord smirked. “She’d nothing but a simalcron. The real Scootaloo is, of course, with me. We’ve been waging a brilliant –” And here my magnificence shines again, in realizing it’s probably best not to tell anypony that I’m at war. “– a brilliant… father/daughter… outing. Is what we’ve been waging.”
Applebloom didn’t seem to believe me, so I summoned a bowl of shredded paper (the ‘reform spell’ Twilight had cast on my double) and began munching on it like a salad. My randomness seemed to have convinced her of my honesty, as I deduced from the rolling of her eyes.
“So… this isn’t Scootaloo?” Sweetie Belle asked, poking the dummy in her head.
“Nnnnope.” Discord said, and elsewhere, on a completely unrelated note, a red stallion who had been temporarily deafened sneezed.
“B-b-b-b-but…” Diamond Tiara finally seemed to be out of words.
“And now, as per our agreement.” Discord said, silently folding the chart up and slipping it into Diamond’s tiara. “You owe me seventy one bits for bullying another pony.”
“Wait.” Applebloom’s eyes widened in awe as she realized what it was like to be in the presence of a greater mind. “You mean… Diamond Tiara can’t bully anypony any more?”
“Not without paying me a hefty fee.” Discord chuckled. “And in addition, every ball that takes to the air for the next forty eight hours will be quite attracted to their faces.”
“What!?” Diamon Tiara shrieked. “That… that wasn’t the deal! We agreed that waged would be paid in standard Equestrian bits!”
“Call it a ‘perk’ of the job.” Discord said, smirking at the filly’s panic.
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle shared a look. It was a… thoughtful look. Like they weren’t really sure what to do. They had a choice to make… go along with Discord, who everypony said was pure evil, or not torment Tiara, who they knew firsthand was pure evil.
Sweetie Belle spun on her hooves and raced into the playground. “Hey everypony! Dodgeball fight!”
“Oh no…” Silver Spoon backed away, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes. “Oh no oh no oh no oh no…”
“Discord…” Applebloom said. She looked like she was about to say something else, but the poor filly was conflicted… discorded you could say… at war between two parts of herself, wanting to punch him and thank him at the same time.
“Come on Applebloom!” Scootafaux said, pulling on her pony friend’s arm. “This is going to be the best dodgeball fight ever!”
Applebloom grimaced… but she turned and left with the fake Scootaloo.
“W-w-we’re taking our paid vacation!” Diamond Tiara exclaimed, clinging to that one mercy, that one shred of hope.
And Discord just smiled.
“Sure.” He said. “Go for it. Take your time. Carpe Diem. Catch up with your debt, brush up on your ancient Equestrian, ask your dad for some economics tips.”
And then, in the body of a deranged colt, discord leaned forward, grinning face inches from hers, so alike to an actual pony, yet just different enough that she knew he wasn’t. It gave an uncanny effect that was probably scarier than his normal murder-grins.
“And then, after your week is up, come back from your vacation.” Discord said. “Come back with hope flowing through your veins. And fail.”
Diamond Tiara whimpered, like she was about to cry. “This isn’t fair.” She whined. “We’re just fillies. You’re not supposed to be mean to fillies. This isn’t fair.”
“I think it’s extremely fair.” Discord chuckled. “After all, you weren’t so prejudiced when you were the ones hurting fillies. If you want to blame anypony, blame Celestia. It’s her side of the family that wants the cosmos to run on ‘fair’.”
“That was different.” Diamond Tiara sniffed. “I’m a filly! I’m allow to bully fillies!”
Discord chuckled. “Yes, that is fair.” He agreed. “Let me give you some professional advice Tiara. If you want to be mean to a filly, a wise villain makes certain she has more power than that filly. If you want to be mean to a grown pony, a wise villain ensures she’s more powerful than that pony. If you want to rule a nation, a wise villain gathers more power than that nation. If you want to fight an alicorn, don’t unless you’re a more powerful alicorn. And if you want to go up against a Draconequus? Well… that’s never wise.”
And with that, he walked away, moving his face away from Tiara’s just in time for the first dodgeball to smack her, leaving a great red welt. The pair of fillies ducked for cover as the other foals on the playground let their balls loose, only for them to bounce on uneven tangents, ricocheting off the field, and towards their once daily tormenters.
Discord giggled as he poofed back to the Canterlot gardens. He decided that he loved tormenting fillies. It was so easy, and yet so satisfying.
Regrettably, his incredible internal monologue about the finer points of childhood trauma was abandoned for a later date, as he heard a voice in the distance. A voice saying: “Keep your hooves off me you grimy peasant!”
Discord chuckled to himself as he turned his attention to the doubtless amusing scene. It was the perfect tableau; some high-and-mighty prince was curling his nose up in disgust, as Scootaloo’s wings buzzed with anger.
“Why would I want to touch you?” Scootaloo asked, as an equally disgusting expression formed on her face.
“Who would not want to touch the magnificent hair of Prince Blueblood?” The prince said, throwing his mane over his shoulder. “But you can’t, because you’re a grimy peasant.”
“Actually, I think I’m technically a princess or something.” Scootaloo said, tapping her chin in thought. She would have been a princess, yes, had Discord not been banished from the monarchy years ago. Still, she was probably the princess of Everfree and Htnyrbal at least.
“Of course you’re not a princess.” Blueblood said, more airily then most. Discord was beginning to get a sense of… wrongness from him. “Princesses are beautiful unicorns, not tiny pegasuses. Thank you though. My karmic instructor says I must learn to use new words every day, and I’ve been able to use ‘grimy’ twice now.”
Scootaloo glared at him. “I’m not grimy!” She yelled.
“You aren’t a unicorn, erego, you are grimy.” Blueblood explained, looking quite proud at himself for his reasoning skills. “Oooh, I just used the word ‘erego’!”
“That isn’t a word!” Scootaloo said, with a sad shake of her head.
“What are you, a dictionary?” Blueblood retorted.
“New words can be added to the dictionary every day.” Discord said, deciding to make his presence known.
His presence was indeed known, if not felt.
Blueblood rolled his eyes.
“Oh look.” He said. “The ragamuffin has a coltfriend.”
Discord was still in a foal’s body.
“An ugly coltfriend.” Blueblood continued.
An insulted foal’s body.
“No doubt he is fitting for somepony of your status.” Blueblood went on airily. “But I can see now why you desire to touch my mane.”
“The world doesn’t revolve around you, you know!” Scootaloo yelled angrily.
“Yes it does.” Blueblood said haughtily. “I am a prince of Equestria, you –”
“Toad!” Discord yelled, suddenly directly in front of Scootaloo, hackles on his little body raised. He’d realized what was wrong with the prince now. Why he felt so wrong. “No, you’re not a toad.” He went on. “That’s an insult to toads! And you’re an insult to life in general!”
“How dare you!” Blueblood scoffed. “I have half a mind to throw you in the dungeons for that remark –”
“I’m glad you’re not pretending I’m lying.” Discord hissed, stepping in front of Scootaloo as she tried to peer around him. “Because you are an insult. I would think Celestia made you specifically to annoy me, but not even her mind could come up with something as… as… twisted as you!”
“Well, you’re ugly.” Blueblood said. He said it in such an outrageously casual tone of voice, as if to suggest he’d won whatever argument he was in by virtue of his looks!
“Oh I’m sorry.” Discord grinned. “Let me slip into a body more comfortable.” With that, a lion’s paw and an eagle’s talons gripped the insides of the colt’s mouth, and pulled the skin apart, peeling it away to reveal the master of magnificence, the sultan of souvenirs, the tyrant of terror, Discord!
Blueblood looked up at him and said impassively; “You’re still ugly.” Then his dull eyes brightened. “Hey, transform into a mare!”
“What? No!” Discord snapped. ‘Why would you want me to… no!”
Blueblood shook his head. “Well, you’d probably be an ugly mare anyway.” He said.
“Did you not notice that the most powerful being in Equestria is towering over you!?” Discord roared.
“You’re just a statue.” Blueblood explained, poking Discord’s hoof experimentally. “I used to play on your tail when I was a kid. I never knew you could talk though.”
Discord tried not to grind his teeth. Teeth grinding hurt, and he really didn’t care for pain. But this prince was being an even bigger pain. “What you don’t know, is filling every library in Equestria.” Discord snarled. “Now go away you mop-headed fop.”
“Daddy, what’s going on?” Scootaloo whispered from behind him. “You’re acting like you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared, I’m disgusted!” Discord roared.
“It’s natural to be intimidated by my princely-ness.” Blueblood said, puffing up his chest. Then, as if the idea had just occurred to him, he said; “Erego, you are scared.” He guffawed at the thought of saying ‘erego’ twice in one day.
“Not scared! Disgusted!” Discord repeated, for the benefit of his apparently deaf audience. “I can see you. I can see all the chaos you’ve ever made. And it… repulses me.”
Scootaloo gasped. “You mean he’s made even more chaos than you?”
“Of course not!” Discord said, curling his tail around Scootaloo somewhat protectively, but definitely not protectively, because he was not scared. “I made more chaos than he did when I was a statue! Blueblood’s so devoid of any sort of chaos… it’s maddening! He’d boorishness personified! And I don’t just mean he’s so fantastically organized that he never creates chaos. Even the most uptight ponies incite some disorder into their friends. But this… thing doesn’t have any friends! Or any enemies! He’s neither hero nor villain, to any degree that counts! He’s only done two notable things in his life – he put a dent in two pony’s hearts. That’s it! He doesn’t even have a noticeable impact in the market! He just hoards his money like a dragon, using his status to get things for free, and even the status of being, say, the ‘karmic instructor’ of Prince Blueblood has the value of precisely nothing! Nopony else cares about him, and he doesn’t care about anypony else!”
“Excuse me!” Blueblood puffed his chest up. “I’ll have you know, that everypony cares about me! My advice is the top advice sought after in every corner of the fashion market, even though those absent-minded ponies still haven’t gotten around to publishing my article on solid gold drapery.” The dolt leaned in conspiratorially. “I used nine fancy words in that article. I would have done ten, but I had to dumb it down because it’s a magazine for mares.”
Discord scrunched up his nose in disgust, and decided to use words suitable to Blueblood’s level. “You. Are. Scum. Garbage. Filth. Flea-ridden manure. The only thing you’ll ever be ‘top’ of is a Trash. Heap.”
Blueblood, for the first time since the conversation started, seemed taken aback. “I am a prince –”
I interrupted him, poking him in his overinflated chest. “You are nothing but an ITCH on Celestia’s DOUBLE-WIDE FLANK!!! And the only reason she hasn’t taken the half a second she’d need from her schedule to SCRATCH YOU is because the impropriety would last longer THAN THE ITCH ITSELF!!!”
I turned to Scootaloo. “Permission to prank him general?” I asked.
“Permission granted.” Scootaloo nodded eagerly.
I snapped my fingers. Nothing apparently seemed to happen, so I took it upon myself to educate the foal.
“Try to understand me, you incredible dolt. I’ve just given you a quarter of my power. Not all of it; that never ends well. But it’s still enough to rival Princess Celestia. Be a hero. Be a villain. Be SOMETHING!! Make a mark, any mark, on Equestria. Sow chaos, sow order, sow anything. You’re a prince; you have looks, wealth, connections, an improbably well-built body for a pony who lazes as much as you do, a special talent for narcissism, the spirit of the sun for a godmother grandmother, and now you have more raw magical power then any unicorn has ever had. You have so much potential. AND YOU’RE SQUANDERING IT IN FRONT OF A MIRROR!!! You have twenty four hours to make a mark on Equestria. That’s twenty three more hours than any other pony would need, so I’m sure a ‘prince’ like yourself can handle it. If you can’t… I’ll come back for you.”
I smiled my best ‘I am imagining killing you in ways the laws of reality generally wouldn’t allow’ smile. “And I will enjoy every second of it.”
With another snap of my fingers, Blueblood was teleported back to his room.
I stood there for a while, just glaring at the spot where Blueblood used to be as Scootaloo climbed back up to her perch on my head. “Just what was he doing out here anyway?” Discord asked.
“He said he was out helping to garden, because flowers got more nutrients from his smile then from the sun.” Scootaloo explained, rolling her eyes in a way that made me inexplicably proud. “He wanted me to lie down in a puddle so he could walk over me without getting his hooves wet.”
“I need to make up a new word to describe ponies like him.” Discord growled.
“How about Furticulous?” Scootaloo asked.
Discord swiveled his head and looked at her in shock. And impressive feat, considering she was sitting on his head. “That’s actually quite an ingenius word.” He said.
Scootaloo blushed though. “I just sort of put words together.” She said, humbly.
“But to put words together in the right order to make the perfect sound of a boorish, useless, waste of space?” Discord giggled. “You have talent Scootaloo. You can go far.”
“Not on your shoulders.” Said Shining Armor. He appeared quite suddenly, rounding the bend at speeds that would make a pegasus jealous, then skidding to a stop.
Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “Hey!” She cried. “What are you doing with my skateboard?”
“I make it a point to train diligently with every aspect of my environment in case my horn is neutralized and I need a weapon.” Shining Armor explained, with a hint of pride, before glowering darkly at Discord. “What did you do?”
“Daddy.” Scootaloo whispered into Discord’s ear. “No matter what, we can’t elltway imhway e’reway at arway.”
“I can also speak pig latin and hear down to 1 decibel at half a mile’s distance.” Shining Armor said with a glower. “Discord, you are violating your parole on so many levels.”
“Well, nopony got hurt.” Discord said with a shrug.
He didn’t bother to mention the pair of foals who were getting hurt right this second. Because of course, Shining Armor was culpable in that and you could bet Discord was waiting for just the right moment to remind him.
“I’m bringing you two back to Ponyville.” Shining Armor said, decisively.
“Aaaaaaw, no fair!” Scootaloo whined. She jumped down off of Discord’s head and wrapped herself around shining Armor’s forehooves. “Can we please keep going a little longer? We haven’t even pranked the Princesses yet!”
Shining Armor’s eyes widened, and he picked Scootaloo up. “Then it’s a good thing I came when I did. We’re going home now!” He glared at Discord. “And this incident is going into Cadence’s Family-Report!”
“Brainwasher!” Discord said, disguising the word in a hacking cough.
“What was that?” Shining Armor asked.
“Hay fever.” I replied, sauntering up to Shining Armor. “Say, have you met Soylent?”
“Soylent?” Shining Armor asked, eyebrow raised.
“The alfalfa mare, remember?” Scootaloo asked. “We found her, and dad made her a real sister!”
Shining Armor glared at Discord. “I hope you didn’t tell Scootaloo what her name means.” He said pointedly.
Discord shrugged. “Actually Scootaloo named her. I wanted to call her Rabbit Bait.”
“What!?” Shining Armor spun around at Scootaloo.
The filly blushed. “I… uh… I like to sneak into movies. Sometimes.” She admitted.
Shining Armor glared back at me.
“It’s not his fault!” Scootaloo said angrily. “I snuck into movies before I even met him!”
“Yes, I’m not the source of every evil in the world Shiny.” Discord said, rolling his eyes at the goody two-shoes’ naiveté. “I just derive my power from every evil in the world. You’re mixing up your causes and effects.”
Shining Armor looked angry.
“If you kill me Princess Cadence will write to Celestia about it!” I pointed out quickly.
Shining Armor considered this for a moment, then shook his head and growled. “Come on. We’re going back to ponyville before anything else happens.”
“I’ve just figured out Discord turned me into a cannibal.” Soylent Green said suddenly, as she came walking around a corner with flowers in her mouth. “And I’m surprisingly okay with this.”
Shining Armor looked like he was going to be sick. It seemed he’d seen that movie. Someday, Discord resolved, he would see a movie too. “Soylent… Green I take it?”
“Nope.” Solent replied. “I’m Soylent Red.” She held out a hoof, somehow making the very gesture sarcastic.
“Er…” Said Shining Armor, who didn’t know how to respond to sarcasm very well.
“Look.” Said I, changing tactics. “I don’t want us to be enemies, Shining Aaaaarmowahahahahahaha!!!”
I almost made it through that one with a straight face! Don’t judge me!
“Okay!” I said, wiping tears out of my eyes. “Okay, seriously. Shining Armor. We’re going. We’re vamoosing Canterlot. Happy?”
“Aaaw, daaad…” Scootaloo whined in silent plea.
How in the world could I turn down such a desperate plea for merriment?
“But we’re going on a side-trip into space.” I continued.
“Yay!” Scootaloo and Soylent cheered.
“No!” Shining Armor said firmly. “No, were a not going into space. We are going back to Ponyville, where Scootaloo will apologize for not going to school and –”
“Too late!” And I snapped my fingers.
Scootaloo, Shining Armor and I beamed out of existence, and then back in. Amidst the swirls of brilliant light, shapes began to emerge. The room was white, with lots of fun-looking lights that blinked. A canopy at the front showed the clear stars, just tantalizingly out of reach. Scootaloo was placed in the chair in the center of the room, wearing a yellow shirt, while Shining Armor and I were behind her, Shining wearing a red shirt, and no mane.
This was the U.S.S. Enterprise.
“We’re in a spaceship.” Shining Armor gasped. He looked like somepony put icewater down his pants (take note; new prank for anypony who wears pants).
“Yes, the best spaceship I could find.” I said with a preen.
Scootaloo looked around with wide eyes. “Wow…” She breathed. “Where’d you get this cool spaceship?”
I preened just a little bit more. “I borrowed it from an alternate dimension.” I explained.
“What’s an alternate dimension?” Scootaloo asked.
“I’ll explain when you’re older.” I said with a shrug. “It’s probably a bit too complicated for a filly as young as you to understand. When you can understand parallel dimension theory, then we’ll cover alternate dimensions.”
Shining Armor felt around his head, almost in a wild panic. “Why am I bald?” He asked.
“I needed something to trade the ship for.” I explained. “And my friend on the other side really liked your mane.”
Shining Armor raised an eyebrow, probably confused about me having a ‘friend’, and then looked down. “And why am I wearing a red shirt?”
“Because a Draconequi can dream.” I sighed wistfully.
It’s an in-joke, you probably won’t get it.
“Discord.” Shining Armor said, lowering his horn at me as calmly as he could. “We are in space, separated from a near instant death only by the flimsy steel walls of a probably stolen vehicle. Get us back to Equestria. Now.”
After a brief pause, I nonchalantly asked; “Are you afraid of heights?”
There was a very, very tense pause.
“Uh… where’s Soylent?” Scootaloo asked, hoping to distract us from waging war.
“She’s in the engine room.” I said, pointing helpfully to the control console on the Captain’s chair.
Scootaloo pushed the button. “Uh… hey Soylent? You there?”
“No, I’m elsewhere.” Soylent said through the radio. “And I’m wearing a shirt that clashes with my coat color.”
“Soylent! We’re on a spaceship!” Scootaloo said. “This is so awesome! We’re higher up than even Rainbow dash has gone!”
Shining Armor gulped.
“It’s cool.” Soylent admitted. “But a lot of the lights down here are blinking. And I don’t think that’s a good thing.
“Ah, which lights are those?” I asked, being the only crew member present who was well versed in alternate dimensional quantum mechanics.
“Um… well there’s a round black thing with a green thing in the middle, and the black is slowly turning red, lick a waning moon.” Soylent explained.
“Oh, that’s the proximity scanner.” Discord said, grinning at Shining Armor. “It means we’re approaching something really big. Isn’t space fun?”
Shining Armor’s eyes widened, and he looked out of the window. There, just out of the window, was a gaping maw in the darkness, beckoning, towering taller than even the Canterlot royal Castle.
“Wow…” Scootaloo gasped, eyes widening with a rather morbid curiosity.
“We are turning around right now.” Shining Armor whispered.
“Oh relax.” I said to my scaredy-cat crew. “It’s only The Behemoth. It wanders around looking for cakes to eat, completely harmless. Quite friendly.”
“Awesome.” Scootaloo giggled. “Hey, can I talk to it?”
“Seventh button down.” I pointed.
“No don’t!” Shining Armor cried.
But it was too late. The button had been pushed. The saucer-like top of the enterprise opened up, and a megaphone unfolded out of it. And with a great cry, Scootaloo made first contact.
“HEY BEHEMOTH!!!”
/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/\
I loved watching my sister work.
Despite how inane some of these nobles could be, she still held the same amount of love for them as her other subjects, and she made sure to deal with every topic the court brought to her. And somehow, even more miraculously, she managed to maintain her respect with a bite-mark in her mane.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the bite-mark became a haute culture fashion statement by the end of the week.
I tried to disrupt the court as little as I could as I delivered my sister a letter. Still, all eyes turned to me, and the court went quiet as I strode up to my sister. “From Shining Armor.” I whispered, ensuring nopony in the court could hear me, despite the natural silence of the court.
She nodded, and I turned to leave. Just because I admire my sister’s natural grace doesn’t mean I have what it takes to be stared at by ponies every day.
But as I was leaving, some noble of the court called out to me;
“Hey behemoth!”
I froze, scarcely imagining that what I just heard was real. The court was silent. Nopony said a word. It would seem nopony dared after the comment.
“Hey behemoth!”
I spun around, incensed. “Who dares!?” I snarled at the assembled ponies.
“Luna…?” Celestia looked at me with concern as the other nobles flinched away.
“Who dares call their Princess fat!!?” I roared.
More stunned silence.
And then again; “Hey behemoth! Do you want some cake!?”
“We do not desire cake!!” I erupted, in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “We are the Princess of the Night! We have been called evil, bloodthirsty, strange, freakish, insane, stupid, and many other psaltry names, but not once have we been called fat! Until now! Who has dared level this insult!? LET HIM STEP FORTH, AND BACK UP HIS WORDS WITH ACTION!!!”
“I made you a really big cake because you’re a really big behemoth!”
My scream of fury could have been heard in the Minotaur continents.
“Sister!” I turned, and glared at Celestia as she sat on her throne reading Shining Armor’s letter. “Doth this please you to sit and watch as we are mocked!?”
Celestia put the letter away, finished with the reading. She stood, and strode calmly over to her sister, leaning forward so that they were all most touching.
“My dear sister.” Celestia said, squinting at me. “I do believe you have something in your mane.”
And then I felt something spongy and sticky strike my inner ear.
/\/\/\/\ \/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ /\/\/\/\
“Why isn’t it eating the cake?” Scootaloo asked, watching in disappointment as the cake slid down the inside of Luna’s ear, leaving a trail of icing.
“It is eating it.” I told her, barely holding in my giggles. “That’s how it eats; it lets things slide down, until they meet the teeth and such deeper inside.”
“This is a bad idea.” Shining Armor said, as bluntly as ever.
“Then why do you go along with it?” Soylent asked.
“Because I need to protect Scootaloo from this maniac.” Shining Armor answered. “And if you have a better way to do it, I’m all ears.”
“Well, maybe flying away would be a good idea.” Soylent said. “There’s another big red thing on the black circle thing.”
Eyes widening, all three of us looked out of the window. There was a fireball shooting through space heading straight for us!
“Evasive maneuvers!” Scootaloo yelled. “I’ve always wanted to say that! Evasive maneuvers!”
“On it!” Shining Armor leaped at the controls… and then stared blankly at them.
“That’s the radio.” I pointed out helpfully.
“Scootaloo, come here!” Shining Armor yelled. He hugged the little filly close, and cast a shield spell around them, big enough for the two of them.
I thought back to the fireball racing towards us, to the close brush with death I’d had just this morning, to the past thousand years locked in stone… and to Princess Luna’s face as she heard a little filly in her head calling her fat.
“WWWOOOORRRRTTTHHH IIIIIIT!!!” I cackled, as the fireball engulfed us.
Why yes, there are benefits to being insane.
And then we weren’t in space any more. We were outside, back in the royal gardens, Shining Armor’s mane restored, with her royal snootiness herself glaring at us.
“Oh maaaan…” Scootaloo and I moaned in unison.
“Scootaloo, are you alright?” Celestia asked.
“Uh… yeah.” Scootaloo nodded. “It was pretty cool though, that fireball. Was that you?”
Shining Armor fell flat on his face, his horn making an imprint in the ground. “I am so sorry your majesty!” He cried. “I tried to stop them! I just…”
“It’s alright Shining Armor.” Princess Celestia said, with a nod. “I couldn’t have expected you to stop Discord if Scootaloo didn’t allow it.”
She sent Scootaloo ‘the look’. Oh how we hated ‘the look’ when we were kids. Celestia looked like her mother when she did that.
“Um…” Scootaloo said, shrinking under the eyeballs of a mother with godlike powers.
“What happened Scootaloo?” Celestia asked. “What were you thinking?”
Scootaloo quickly shifted her eyes to me and Shining Armor for encouragement. “I… uh… I wanted to spend some more time with my dad. And he wanted to start a prank war, and I figured pranks were okay, because Rainbow Dash does pranks all the time.”
Princess Celestia sighed, and looked at Discord. “And what do you have to say for yourself?” She asked.
I shrugged. “I don’t know what you expect.” I said with a smirk. “I’m Discord. You know as well as I do, that the only way to be an Alicorn is to represent the full spirit of who you are. You knew that I could never change when you let me free. Frankly, if I were you I’d be even more worried if I started to behave.”
Celestia sighed, and shook her head sadly. “And yet the sun is a symbol of hope. So how can I not be hopeful?” She asked.
Did she turn into an idiot while I was a statue?
“You win Discord.” She said, firmly. “I’m waving the white flag. It’s over. Done. You’ve won the Seventh Great Prank War, just like you won half of the others. I can’t play this game anymore… I won’te play this game anymore. I know you never thought much of it when you were king, but I have ponies who depend on me. This stops. You win. I won’t retaliate. Just go back to Ponyville.”
She did. She turned into a fool.
I was tempted to say it to her face, but instead decided to say; “Throw in a gallon of chocolate milk, and we have a deal.”
“Done.” Princess Celestia said, much to my shock. The princess was actually serious about this whole ‘no more pranks’ thing!
“And a tree.” Soylent added. “A chocolate tree.”
Princess Celestia suddenly shifted her gaze to the fourth member of our merry band. “Ah… I’m sorry who are you?”
“I’m Soylent Green.” Soylent said. “I’m Scootaloo’s big sister, and I’m a cannibal.”
Celestia’s eyes had the most comical size, as if she were caught on camera scarfing down cakes. She looked to Shining Armor for confirmation.
He shrugged. “She’s mostly harmless.” He said.
Celestia nodded, pensively. “Alright. A tree too.”
“And, ah…” I decided to say. “That spaceship wasn’t exactly mine…”
“It was not destroyed and has been returned to it’s proper dimension and owners.” Celestia said, with a sterner tone in her voice. “Anything else?”
“Cake?” Scootaloo asked, hungry from our prank on Luna.
“A spa?” Soylent asked, noticing how long her mane was.
“Freedom from the shackles of buerocratic tyranny?” I asked, holding out my hands as if urging her to uncuff me.
She rolled her eyes. “Cadence will prepare your cake, I suggest talking to Rarity about that, and no absolutely not.”
I shrugged. “It was worth a shot.” Said I.
Celestia turned to Shining Armor. “Escort them back to Ponyville.” She told him. “And it occurs to me… in order to be a proper father, one needs a job. Discord has been unemployed for four days now. Any longer, and we might have grounds to incarcerate him again.”
“WHAT!?” I roared, knowing what was coming.
Celestia leveled her gaze at me. “You have too much time on your hands Discord.” She said. “Get. A. Job.”
“A job?” I asked, incredulously. “You want me to get a job? Me!? The spirit of Discord? A repetitive task done at regular intervals daily? Lowering myself to be bossed around by a pony? Are you serious?”
Celestia nodded.
I pondered. “Perhaps.” Said I. “I could be an entrepreneurial toilet salespony?”
“If you’re talking about the pigeons, I’ve already found out what you did to them, and reversed the spell.” Celestia informed me with a smirk. “Get a job Discord. A real job. If you can’t humble yourself enough, you can’t be a father, and you’re going back in my garden. With the pigeons.” And with that, she flew away.
“Busted.” Soylent snickered.
“Do you know, I think she purposefully put pigeons in her garden a thousand years ago just to bug you.” Scootaloo told me, with an unprecedented amount of insight.
I harrumphed. “Fine.” Said I. “Come on, war’s over, let’s go back to Ponyville.”
It was easy to get a train ride home (oh my goodness, I actually have a ‘home’ how bizarre). We trained home in silence. At least, Shining Armor and I were silent, Scootaloo was explaining the nature of a ‘big sister’ to Soylent, and playing games, and other assorted ‘stuff’.
When we finally pulled into the Ponyville platform, it was sunset. Shining Armor sighed, as Scootaloo and Soylent eagerly hopped out of the train before us.
Princess Cadence met us on the platform, with Scootafuax and Discoot. Much to Shining Armor’s frustration, she greeted all four of us with a hug.
“Are you all alright?” She asked.
“We’re fine.” Shining Armor said. “But Discord is in hot water, we need another room for Soylent here, and Scootaloo missed a day of school.”
“Don’t worry!” Scootaloo clone number one said. “I already did all of your homework for you!”
“Awesome!” Scootaloo cheered.
“And I made friends with a zebra!” The fake me exclaimed heartily. “And a pretty mare asked us on a date!”
“Too much information.” I sighed. “Back to the clone pool with you.”
And with a snap of my fingers, I sent them off, before they could do or say anything to convince the others that just because they were clones didn’t mean they weren’t ponies in their own right. It would have been bad for Scootaloo, I think.
“Hey, that was cool!” Looking up, we saw a strange sight. A small alligator, wearing a big smile (made even bigger by the oversized dentures it was wearing) and a strap-on helicopter backpack thing. she said, in her bright chirpy Pinkie-Pie voice; “Hey Discord, how’d you make a copy of yourself? Oh! That would be so much fun if I could do it too! I could play tic-tac-toe against myself, I could throw myself a welcome-to-Ponyville party, I could play with both of the Cake twins at the same time…”
I really didn’t even need to think about the answer. “Just go a ways into the Everfree, past some thorny trees, and down a hole, and recite a poem in front of the mirrorpool.” I instructed her.
“Oki Doki Loki!” She chirped. “Oh and by the way…”
I hadn’t noticed the train leaving the station. Nor had I noticed a certain cerulean mare tying a rope connecting it to my tail.
But then it took off! I flailed about wildly, trying to find anything I could use for purchase as it dragged me along, but to no avail. I was dragged off of the platform, and I was still flailing, when the rope was cut, and I stumbled (tenders first!) into a sing next to the platform which read;
CAUTION signs next to this railroad may be hazardous if met at high speeds.
“… Pain.” I muttered.
Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash hovered over me, Pinkie Pie unzipping her alligator suit. “We’re the greates pranksters in Ponyville!” Pinkie Pie explained.
“And don’t you forget it!” Rainbow Dash scoffed, and the pair of them flew away.
“…Pain.” I repeated, because pain.
Shining Armor was still laughing, and I was still limping when we passed Twilight on the way back to House. She was smashing her new glasses with her hoof, and smiling. “I guess I don’t need these any more.” She said to Screwball.
“You mean you don’t have OCD?” Screwball asked.
“Nope.” Twilight said with a smile.
“You’re cured!” Screwball declared, much to Twilight’s confusion. “Well done Ms. Sparkle, you’ve made a remarkable recovery, thanks to the Screwball method! Be sure to recommend me to all of your friends!”
“That crazy mare.” Applejack muttered, as Screwball flew off into the distance.
“Spike, take a note.” Twilight commanded. And when her little Purple Chihuahua Slave complied, she began to dictate; “Dear Princess Celestia. Today I learned that, you can’t let somepony else dictate your life for you. You are who you choose to be, not how others may think you are. You can’t let a rumor or diagnosis or an expectation rule your life. Your Faithful Student; Twilight Sparkle.”
I snorted off to the side. “What a ridiculous aesop.” I muttered. You were what you were, and you couldn’t live a life pretending to be something else.
Shining Armor spared me a sidelong glance, and then shared a look with his princess. With a sigh, he started flapping his noise-makers.
“Look, Discord, apparently despite your readily apparent flaws, the Princess genuinely wants you to reform.” He said. “So here’s what’ll happen… if you can find a job by tomorrow, no matter what that job is I’ll work at it with you.”
There were gasps from all sides, and a wide wicked grin from me. “You brave, brave pony!” Princess Cadence said, hugging Shining Armor close to her.
“You fool.” Soylent added. “You absolute fool.”
“Well that makes tomorrow somewhat more interesting.” I said with a smile, already planning the next day’s events.
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2287514
That is exactly the reaction I wanted when I began writing a story about Discord.
I completely understand everything! Thus, I am either winning or losing. Which is it?
Lol! Shining's Expendable!
Well that was certainly a ride. I can't believe that that much weird shit could actually happen and make perfect sense. Nonsense can't make sense that is paradoxical, but wait it is nonsensical for nonsense to make perfect sense which cause an infinite loop..... what was my original point here?
Anyway good story.
2288283
in the short term, it means you can enjoy this story in its entirety, as it happens...so you win
in the long term, it means that when you go back to normal life, you'll be expecting insanity and discordedness, and you'll live a bleak and uninteresting life...so you lose
story of my life
also, I'm not quite sure how i managed to read chapter 3.5 without ever touching chapter 3...iiinteresting...
Uhm, are you sure that making a story this hilarious isn't illegal?
2288283
The status of your victory depends on whether you are currently wearing a straight jacket.
2293587
No.
Nice author's note. I didn't even think of him trading the mane to Q, I thought only of the captains desire to have hair again....
Mr Mustache...
My sides flew into the orbit
Discord is not friends with Q:
Discord IS Q.
Redshirts on the Enterprise are like the green faction in Fire Emblem 7.
They're the first to bite the dust.
Also, allow me to say that Soylent Green is awesome. She's a deadpan snarker (insert TVTropes link here), and that automatically makes her awesome.
I am giggling like a madpony at twelvin the morning because of you. This is so wonderfully written.
Thank you.
2314581 actuall on the enterprise from TNG (i dont remember which one it is) the yellow shirts die the most red shirts were from the original
2784124 Haha I wish
Your story has an awfully morbid streak.
I'd like the Discord IS Q one
It'd be funnier.
2785907
I don't remember anyone ever saying that in any actual episode.
I mean, yeah, it's safer than Gringotts to assume that she is, but this story is operating under a different canon.
2786161
But Screwball doesn't have OCPD so she doesn't know that! And Apparently, neither does Twilight.
2786314
The Protagonist is the Spirit of Chaos. Villainy tends to breed morbidity. But yeah, it'll have a streak of darkness throughout. Sometimes so dark you can cry, other times barely noticeable unless you force yourself to remember this is Discord who's having cute moments with Scootaloo. Kind of like FiM itself!
Thanks for commenting on my story Reality Check! Even though most of what you had to say is criticism, I'm a huge fan of Nyx's Family!
These chapters I like them...
ANOTHER!
I would like to see more of this.
3055189
Of course Discord is Q. As well as Ryuk from Death Note. Discord is a dimension hopping entity who changes shape in different universes (because only having one body is boring and predictable) spreading chaos from universe to universe. Also Celestia only wants him to reform in the MLPverse. She never said anything about other universes.
How is next chapter going?
Loving this story. It's really making me laugh.
Almost a year since last chapter...RIP in peace
2312874
Exactly.
More please. And I have a question for Discord: Why did the chicken lay its eggs in the middle of the road?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but a person on FFN has stolen a scene from "Day 4.5" and is using it as though it were his own.
Here is a link to the offending chapter: My Little Pony: The Human Chronicles 3 chapter 12.
Here is the thread the points out the stolen scene.
The thief also has a tendency to restore the lines after deleting them. He has done so a handful of time already.
5759143
Usually, no, but he will cheat to win if he must.
2792173 have you made any progress what so ever in the next chapter? it has been 2 years
derpicdn.net/img/2013/4/11/294318/large.png
were are you?
I... don't know what to think of this story. There are conflicting feeling running through me constantly as I read this so all I can come up with is "huh?"
I honestly can't decide what to think of thist story
HOW DARE YOU! I GOT THAT JOKE!
I think we can assume that this story is pretty much dead. It has been more than 2 years since the last update and he hasn't even been online for 95 weeks and 4 days. Either his life stuff stopped him from writing more or he just forgot, in either case I don't see this story being finished ever in my life pand. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to give it a down vote for getting me excited and then leaving me hanging.
Farewell fellow readers and if by some miracle the author DOES login and sees this then let it be known that i don't blame him or am mad at him for this, I am simply disapointed that it came to this.
6618923 or discord took revenge on how he was treated.
No it can't be dead no
Good story, I feel bad for DT and SS also R.I.P. this story it was good while it lasted
Man, but I loved this story
I was gonna read this, but its been years since the last update sadly, and it appears the author has also vanished...
But it happens. I wish him well on his journey!
10677201
Lol thanks I guess
And with this chapter, the story ended way to quickly.
Man. This was a good story.
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