Day 3.5: Because Whole Chapters Are Boring!
The party was the lamest thing I’d ever seen. There was Shining Armor, his nerd sister, and his wife the pink menace. There was Applejack, but she was just there to keep an eye on Scootaloo and her friends. Lyra was there, but at the moment she was occupied with a yellow earth pony name Bon-bon. For reasons unknown, the mailmare and the zebra came too. All in all, there were only thirteen ponies. Hardly a party at all. No mosh pits, only food that comes out the other end, and nopony was pulling any pranks at all.
Why, this one time in the past I turned all of Equestria into a balloon! Oh, we had some laughs then. Well, I say ‘we’. Pity one of the unicorns had a special talent for poking things.
I simply walked around the room, sometimes backwards to ease the boredom. I listened into conversations from time to time too.
“…just think it’s fascinating.” I heard Cheerilee say, as I passed her and Twilight. “One of my most famous ancestors left my family a journal, and she claimed to be good friends with a draconequus. I’ve always been curious about Discord and his species. I wish I could instill such curiosity in my students.”
“I think you’re doing a great job with your students.” Twilight praised the teacher. “Why, just this afternoon I had two fillies come to the library looking for a book on Ancient Latin Equestrian. I could never spark that kind of interest in somepony.”
I couldn’t hold in my snicker. It just let itself loose.
Cheerilee noticed, and turned to meet Discord. “Ah, Discord. I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”
Discord was surprised. “You have?” He asked.
“Yes.” Cheerilee said. “You see, occasionally at school we will have one of the foals bring in a family member, and have that family member tell the fillies about themselves. It was Scootaloo’s turn three weeks ago, and no doubt she’ll want to have her turn on Friday this week, and bring you.”
Discord beamed at the prospect of traumatizing the town's future generations. “Who wouldn’t want to bring me to school?”
Cheerilee shook her head. “I was just wondering… would it be possible for you to not destroy the schoolhouse? Or maybe even not traumatize the little ones with your darkest tales of evil deeds?”
“Moi?” Discord grinned. “Oh, of course I wouldn’t traumatize little children.” He crossed his tail behind his back.
“And I’ll be there to ensure he doesn’t.” Shining Armor rudely butted into the conversation.
“Oh, you don’t need to ensure anything.” Discord lithely balanced himself upside down on Shining Armor’s horn. “I invented schools, I’m not going to burn them down. Not unless I get really bored, and believe me if I got that bored I’d have better things to do than incinerate one schoolhouse.”
And now they were all staring at him. He pushed the air a bit and swung a lazy arc around Shining Armor’s horn.
“YOU expect us to believe that you invented SCHOOLS!?” Twilight asked incredulously.
“But that can’t be right.” Cheerilee looked confused. “My great-great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great- great-grandmother’s journals said a draconequus called King Anarchy invented…” Her eyed widened as the proverbial bit dropped. “YOU?” She asked.
“You sound almost as if you don’t believe me.” Discord sniffed disdainfully.
“Well, you’re not smart enough to have invented school.” Twilight said. In a serious, no-nonsense tone, that indicated she was not merely doubting him, but outright saying he was lying as a matter of fact.
Discord hopped off of Shining Armor’s horn and began to slink in a circle around Twilight. “Oh, Twilight dear, you seem to have underestimated me yet again. Always so superior in you –”
“Enough.” Shining Armor said.
Of course, he only said it after he’d done the whole ‘grab him in a force field and dunk him head-first into the barrel of apple bobbing’. Discord emerged from the humiliating barrel with nine apples attached to his horns, and one on his tooth.
He popped the apple out of his mouth. “Oh, the art of breaking one’s spirit is so underappreciated these days.” He sighed. Obviously Celestia had briefed him on what happened when Discord talked too much. “Yes, I did go by King Anarchy before I changed to Discord, and yes I did invent scholastic institutions. Although, my version of it was discarded for Celestia’s more popular academic principles.”
He tapped his chin. “And… oh yes, I am actually smart. SURPRISE!!!”
Twilight actually leaped backwards in shock after that last surprise, and the Draconequus couldn’t help but laugh. He hadn’t expected to actually surprise somepony.
“Seriously though…” Cheerilee pressed forward through the barrage of laughter. “You invented school? I’d like to hear more about that, if you could…”
“Now hold on there.” Discord held up a claw. “You said that Scootaloo would want me to do some sort of ‘show and tell’? Since I doubt Shining Armor here will let me tell the precious little cherubs about the fun times I had during the Pegasus wars, I think I’ll save my school stories for then.” He patted Cheerilee on the head.
“But… but…” Cheerilee’s eyes were almost watering. “Knowledge…” She whispered.
Discord chuckled. “Oh no, you’re not going to get me with that Celestia-cursed ‘free knowledge for everypony’ system. In my schools, you had to earn the right to learn.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” Twilight said, because she was a Ms. Grumpy P. pants-Mcpantsless.
“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” Said Princess Cadence, who decided now was the time to (elegantly) join the conversation. “Why, I went to one of the last Anarchist-Institutes-For-Learning when I was a foal, before they all shut down. I believe another of Cheerilee’s ancestors... Puddinghead’s granddaughter was the head mistress at the time. I have a lot of fond memories of that school.”
My eyes widened and I rounded on Cheerilee. “You didn’t tell me you’re related to dear little Puddinghead?”
The teacher responded with an airy “You didn’t earn that knowledge.”
I chuckled despite myself (or maybe because of myself (or maybe parallel to myself (ad absurdium))). “Well, I supposed any family of Puddinghead can’t be too much of a stick in the mud.” I said. “But you’re still going to have to wait for story time.”
“You went to a school founded by Discord?” Twilight gaped at Cadence, who blinked innocently, and responded;
“Well, of course. I never knew Uncle Discord as anypony but a statue, and I wanted something to connect to him with.”
I swear, for a moment the music stopped. Everypony except Shining Armor was staring at her like she’d grown a third head.
“You… I… wha…” Twilight stuttered. I didn’t mean to break her this time, honest!
Cheerilee shook her head. “I see ‘show and tell’ this Friday is going to be interesting.” She said, coming back from being thrown with a wild right hook of ‘nothing-could-surprise-me-after-this’ following through with a deadpan delivery.
Cadence, as usual, seemed oblivious to her friend and family’s consternation. “What’s wrong?” She asked.
Shining Armor gave her a weak smile. “I don’t think Twilight knew about Discord being your uncle.” He explained.
“But why wouldn’t she?” Cadence asked. “I told her all about the Royal Family for a thesis essay she wanted to write when she was three-and-four-fifths.”
“But you never mentioned anything about Discord then.” Twilight said. “Your only true uncle was Anarchy, and he was an alicorn… unless… unless…” We all waited with baited breath for Twilight to come to the inevitable conclusion.
Then Lyra interrupted the scene.
“Unless Discord became her uncle through marriage!” she yelled, beaming. “Celestia, you sly vixen!”
“What!?” Twilight yelped. “No! That’s… Celestia would never do that!”
“Nor would I.” Discord said, more than a little muffled. “I mean… ew. She’s my cousin.” Not that there was anything wrong with that…
“Yeah, Celestia and Discord?” Cadence’s eyes went spacey for a moment, before returning to Equestria. “It wouldn’t work. Not a chance. No way, no how.”
“So how are you two related then?” Cheerilee asked, ever eager for knowledge.
“That’s easy.” Lyra said, taking another swig from a cup of punch. “Luna, you sly vixen.”
“No!” twilight stamped her hoof.
Cadence seemed to ponder this. “No.” She said. “Luna needs a stallion who can be stable and sophisticated. Discord would drive her mad.”
“Why are you talking about this like you’re considering it?” Twilight asked, in some sort of fugue state.
“And why are you braiding my tail?” Cheerilee asked, as she realized Cadence had been behind her braiding her tail for a while now, like some sort of braid ninja.
“Because Discord hasn’t had any romance in over a millenium.” Cadence replied. “Even if it is with Luna, a good rehabilitation method would be to get him into a stable relationship with a mare. And because while your mane looks cute cut short, your tail is just a little bland.”
“The only stallions in this room are the god of chaos and your husband.” Cheerilee pointed out.
Cadence sighed, and dropped her ditzitude. “Dear.” She said, in a tone of voice indicating complete seriousness. “When the Spirit of Romance wants to braid your tail, you let her braid your tail.”
Admittedly, Cheerilee did seem more interesting with her tail done up like so. Even more interesting as she seemed to be resisting the process.
“But yes, Discord is my uncle.” Cadence explained. “I was born two hundred and three years after he was banished, in the year 183 of Celestia’s reign. My mother, Lady Die Rouletta Superstitia Fortunata, was his younger sister, about Luna's age at the time."
"She told me all about him. Before Celestia's reign began, he was Marquis Anarchissa du Differance Randomnny. To hear mom tell it, he was Celestia’s counterpart in a lot of ways. The eldest of the house of Life, against the eldest of the house of Fate. To be born into the royal families is to be thrust into a world of political intrigue, but according to mother only Discord and Celestia have ever ruled the majority of the world for any length of time.”
“Oh please don’t put words in my mouth.” Discord scoffed. If Cadence felt compelled to educate these ponies, he would not have them filling their minds with rubbish. “I was King Anarchy. The hint is in the name. I did not ‘rule’. I simply did what I wished, where I wished.”
The other ponies in the crowd looked at him with mixed expressions of confusion, fear, and lust (that last one was just Lyra). Feeling suitably insulted for one evening, Discord curled up into a loop-de-hoop and rolled away while they continued their ancient history lesson.
As the other ponies continued their boring conversations about ancient history and the genetics and lineages of a Draconequus, he snapped up to attention next to Applejack, who was sitting watching over the children (the Cutie Mark Crusaders and Pinkie Pie).
“Hello Applejack darling.” Discord said, looming over the earth pony menacingly.
Applejack barely glanced up. “Howdy Discord. Things got too complex for ya at the grown-up side of the party?”
Discord airily brushed off the insult, and the sharp tips of his talon. “I’m merely here to observe a curiosity.” He explained. “Tell me Applejack, why are you here? Don’t tell me you’ve come to my party because you enjoy my company.”
This caused Applejack to glare up, before she turned her eyes back down. “Ah’m just here to make sure ya don’t turn my little sis into a newt er something.”
“And why aren’t the rest of your precious elements here?” Discord asked, looking around the empty room and spying only two. “Shouldn’t they be here helping you defend Equestria from the big bad monster?”
“Ain’t here fer Equestria, here fer mah sister.” Applejack grinned cockily at Discord. “Equestria don’t need defending from the likes of you. We beat you before, an’ we can do it again. Only this time, yer washed up. You ain’t got a leg to stand on, ‘cept fer Scootaloo. You hurt me real bad, worse than you know, and you hurt mah friends just as bad. The reason they ain’t here, is because they can’ abide to look at you without finishing you off, and Twilight didn’t fancy the three of ‘em goin’ to prison for deicide. Rarity won’t even let Sweetie Belle near you… but ah fer one, ain’t lettin’ Applebloom throw away her friendship just because of a loser like you, and you won’t be here fer more’n a week anyhow before Scootaloo realizes she was just confused.”
…
...
...
The gauntlet. It had been thrown.
They day a boring earth pony farmer stereotype could verbally slap Discord in the face like that without recompense was they day dragons decided that breathing fire was barbaric and everydragon should cudle up to a pony in a meadow of daffodils so they could sing songs about friendship.
NOT! ON! MY! WATCH!
“I’m surprised you’re so brash.” Discord said, not letting a hint of menace creep into his casual voice. “After all, if I recall you lost that round.”
“We didn’t loose.” Applejack looked up, confused. “We beat you. Locked you up in stone…”
“For two months.” Discord reminded her. “Celestia and Luna managed for more than a millennia. And that’s not counting the other bits of chaos I sowed that weren’t made of my magic, and didn’t go away when I did.”
Now Applejack was definitely feeling a shiver run down her spine. She looked at Discord warily. “What other chaos?” She asked.
Discord’s smile didn’t widen, as if he were merely discussing dinner. He didn’t give any superficial hints that what he was about to tell her was false. What he was about to tell her was one hundred percent honesty, and he wanted her to know, right down to the element.
“Oh, where would the fun be if I told you that?” Discord asked. “Needless to say, if Scootaloo hadn’t freed me, I had a few more surprises that might have. And we’ve both seen the future. If I pull out any of my surprises, the Elements of Harmony won’t be there to stop me.”
Applejack held up an angry hoof. “Now hold it right there ya varmint.” Applejack growled. “That vision you showed me wasn’t the future. It was a lie.”
“A lie?” Discord chuckled darkly at the little pony’s naivette. “My dear Applejack, you know how these things go. Good triumphs over evil. The elements of harmony stave off disharmony. Why on earth would I fight honesty with a feeble weapon like lies?”
Discord turned his back on her, and her look of shock and dismay as she realized him everything he’d told her was the truth.
He smugly walked away without a single word.
If he said anything else, it would have been too tempting to mess with her head when she was down.
Instead he strolled up to the foals. “How are you enjoying the party Scootaloo?” He asked with an insincere grin.
Applebloom and Sweetie Belle tumbled backwards when they realized a draconequus was looming over them. Scootaloo just smiled. “It’s okay.” She said with a shrug.
“JUST OKAY!?” Pinkie Pie gasped. If another pony sported the look on her face, it would have meant Ragnarok.
“I think the whole party’s a bust myself.” Discord nodded, eliciting a bashful grin from Scootaloo and a look of pure brokenness from Pinkie.
“B-b-b-b-bu…” Pinkie looked like she was about to cry.
“What’d you say that for?” Applebloom yelled, bucking Discord in the shin.
Discord inhaled sharply and yanked his leg out of bucking distance. “It’s true.” Discord said, suavely. “There’s no fun games. Where’s the pin-the-dragon-on-the-pony? Where’s the bobbing-for-secrets? Where’s the Truth Or Dare? The spin-the-bottle? The timberwolf toss?”
Pinkie perked up. “Oh, we can play games if that’s all that’s troubling you!”
“There’s not enough ponies here to play any interesting games.” Discord said, waving the idea away offhandedly. “And the music stinks too.”
Pinkie frowned. “Well maybe if you didn’t scare everypony away you’d have more guests.” She said with a sigh. “I’ve invited every pony in ponyville. This is all that would come. Not even Vinyl would…”
She was interrupted by the sound of the elevator doors opening. Everypony turned to stare at the elevator that had not been there before.
How odd, I wasn’t expecting more guests. I thought it would stop at unlucky thirteen. But then I saw who the pair were, and my smile broadened itself like Pinkie Pie’s.
At the door stood an earth pony and a Pegasus. The earth pony was pure blue, with a musical note for his cutie mark. He was boring. I ignored him. The Pegasus however, was somepony who I’d grown very fond of when I met her briefly during my last invasion. She was completely pink, and had a long wavy blue mane with a white stripe through it. She wore a beanie on her head, and her cutie mark was a baseball and a screw.
Lyra nudged Cheerilee. “My guess is that handsome stallion’s why Cadence braided your tail. Go over there and make kissy faces. Now.” Cheerilee slapped her.
“Screwball! Screwball! Doctor Screwball!” Pinkie Pie cheered, racing over to the pegasus.
“You know her?” Discord asked, surprised. He had thought she was just a figment of his imagination when they’d last met.
“Of course I do silly, she’s my psychiatrist!” Pinkie soared over everypony’s heads, bounding in front of the Pegasus. “I can’t believe you’re here!”
“I can’t either.” Screwball put a hoof to her lip in thought. “How peculiar. How’s the addiction coming Pinkie?”
“Fantastic!” Pinkie jumped in the air. “I did what you said, and hid rubber balls all over Ponyville. And now, I no longer have a desire to sniff felt! It’s a miracle!”
“No, that’s the Screwball method.” Screwball beamed. “But I didn’t come here for a house call.”
“You didn’t?” Pinkie asked looking confused. “But if you’re here… but not for a house call… and you brought your brother…” Her eyes widened. “Are you crashing my party!?”
“Yup!” Screwball nodded her head (or perhaps ‘bobbled’ her head would have been the right word choice).
Pinkie squealed on a frequency only dogs, rabbits, and draconequus could hear. I was confounded by how frequently I was becoming acquainted with the quaint custom of ‘pain’. I hate consequences.
“Oh my goodness, I’ve never had a party crashed before!” Pinkie jumped up and down. “Hold on right there, I have to go get my ‘crashed party supplies’!” And with that, she disappeared in a pink blur.
Discord chuckled. “Well well, I’m surprised to see you outside of my strangescape.” He said, shaking Screwball’s hoof in a manner most unbefitting the god of no-manners. “But then, you did warn me you weren’t one of my creations.”
“Nope!” Screwball said proudly. “I love your work, and I’d love to be part of it, but I’m just a shrink.”
“And you’ve been treating Pinkie Pie?” Twilight asked, incredulously. “Um… would you mind if I looked at your credential –”
Screwball rounded on Twilight, and yelled at the top of her voice; “You have OCD!”
“What?” Twilight asked in surprise as she fell back on her rump in surprise.
“Have you ever felt yourself compelled to not leave things lying around?” Screwball asked with deathly seriousness.
“I- well… I believe that organization is the first step to –” Twilight said, trying to explain in her clumsy way.
“Did you ever have a semester in school where you’ve received straight A’s?” Screwball asked, pressing her face to Twilight.
“I-I only ever got A+’s in schoo…” Twilight said bashfully, slowly becoming apprehensive.
“It’s worse than I thought!” Screwball cried, clearly working her way into a panic as well. “Last question! Have you ever had trouble interacting with other ponies? Do you need lists or tallies to evaluate matters of friendship? Have you ever became frighteningly mad after one simple thing on a schedule was misplaced?”
Twilight’s eyes widened with increasing horror after each question. “Oh my goodness!” She gasped. “Maybe… maybe I do have OCD!!!”
“Of course you do.” Screwball said, hoofing her a business card. “I’ll schedule an appointment for you. In the meantime, we’ll get started on therapy.” She took a glasses case out of her hair and handed it to Twilight. “These special glasses will make everything you see distorted. If you can wear these for four days straight, then you’ll be cured.”
Twilight took out the glasses. They were trendy polka dot horn-rimmed glasses. The glass itself was distorted, sometimes thick, sometimes thin, and some sections of the glass were multi-colored. “Oh thank you Dr. Screwball!” Twilight said, putting them on. “I feel like my mind is healthier already!”
She tried to shake her hoof, and immediately ran into a wall.
“Now hold on just a minute there suarcube.” Applejack interrupted. “Ah don’t think this is such a good -”
Screwball rounded on Applejack, hoof pointed dramatically! “You’re a compulsive liar!” She declared.
Applejack just stared at her. “Nnnope.”
“Kleptomanic?”
“Nnnope.”
“You hear voices in your head?”
“Nnnope.”
“Alicorn complex?”
“Nnnope.”
“You play for ‘the other team’?”
“Celestia no.”
“You have a secret obsession with hands?”
“What in the name of Pappy’s stetson is a hand?”
With each passing question the two grew more confused. Screwball stamped her hoof on the ground. “Well there must be something wrong with you!” She exclaimed vehemently. “We’re at a welcoming party for Discord! If you’re here, then by definition you’re not ‘all there’!”
Applejack looked like her brain might be broken. The blue earth pony strode up. “I got this.” He murmured to Applejack. He turned to his sister. “Screwball, I think Applejack isn’t all here; she’s left the crazy part of her back home.”
Screwball nodded like this was the soundest advice in the world. “That sounds reasonable, but now I’m craving grapes.”
“Uh… help yerself?” Applejack passed the platter to Screwball. The delightful Pegasus proceeded to delightfully rub the grapes all over her body.
“…Okay.” Said Applejack. At a loss for any other coherent word, she turned and fled.
Shining Armor sighed, and stepped forward. “Discord, Screwball here it going to be your… court appointed ‘psychiatrist’ for the remainder of your ‘stay’.” He explained, with liberal use of whatever ‘these’ are.
“Good to know.” I said. Good indeed.
“And her brother Noteworthy will be providing the music!” Pinkie Pie chirped back into the conversation.
“I’ll what?” Noteworthy looked to the pink party pony with a propensity for pandemonium.
Pinkie had returned and was passing around ‘emergency crashed party’ brochures and life jackets. “Discord doesn’t like the music. Play that one really random song!”
“Ooooh, I like that one!” Screwball cheered, as she helped herself to the snacks table.
Noteworthy mumbled. “I’mma be old and grey and everypony’ll only remember one song…”
“Hey I know!” Sweetie Belle chirped up. “Why doesn’t Discord sing us his villain song!?”
Scootaloo looked up at me with an adorable wide bright-eyed puppy dog face… one that I found impossible to not turn down.
“I don’t do villain songs.” I said with finality. Naturally, the ponies didn’t pick up on the finality.
“But… every villain has a villain song.” Shining Armor said with confusion. Odds are, he's met his share of villains.
“Yes, yes, a song that comes from their heart.” Discord sighed. “A song that explains their villainous role and so forth. I know. My close… acquaintance invented the villain song, and now every do-badder in Equestria is born with music in their hearts.” I drew myself up proudly. “But I was the first ever villain. I don’t need some song-and-dance to establish my credentials. Everypony already knows how scary I am.”
“Oh we know.” Cadence said with a smile that she probably thought was endearing but totally wasn’t. “But maybe you could sing a song for us anyway?”
I sighed at the wit that was lacking in so many certain royal ditzes that I will not name presently, and pointed to Cheerilee. “Pop quiz teach! What are songs made out of?”
“Notes?” Noteworthy asked, despite my clearly not having addressed him.
“Chords.” Cheerilee said, nodding to acknowledge that she understood what was happening.
“Exactly.” I crossed my arms. “Chords. And I am Dis-cord. You see where I’m going with this? I actually cannot sing. Not anything you ponies would call a song. My Villain Song, the song in my heart, tends to make pony’s heads implode through sheer incomprehensibility, confuse earth ponies, pegasi, and unicorns to such an extent that they and reality itself get confused as to which type of pony they are, and spontaneously conceive a child through sheer awesomeness.” I shrugged. “I could sing it of course, but some of you are entertaining enough to be kept alive, and unimpregnated.
“Yeah, given the alternative, I think I’ll start up the song now.” Said Noteworthy, who in a state of panic managed to procure an accordion and begin playing. The music was much livelier than the party’s current fare, and Pinkie Pie jumped in on the first verse:
I was trotting on the rooftops of Atlantis
With a rabid wolverine in my potatoes
When suddenly a gal behind me in my forehooves
Popped right up and cupped her hooves across my eyes!
I guessed, "Is it Mayor Mare or Bigs McLargehuge?"
"Is it Future Twilight or Spitfire?"
"Could it be Flim or Flam or Twist or Bon-bon or Pip?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the cloud!
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the nimbus
Finally I recognize the face of my confetti dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me
Here, Pinkie Pie opened her mouth. A small cross-eyed alligator I later discovered was called ‘Gummy' emerged, and started singing with Pinkie Pie’s voice.
Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along!
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
I admit, while it wasn’t the most chaotic of songs, it certainly had a pleasant ring to it. And the act of watching the ponies sing it was funny too. Screwball flew upside down and sung the next ‘verse’:
I was walkin' to the kitchen for some Golden Grahams
When I accidentally stepped into an alternate dimension
And soon I was abducted by some aliens from space
Who kinda looked like Rainbow Dash!
They sucked out my internal organs
And they took some polaroids
And said I was a darn good sport
And as a way of saying thank you
They offered to transport me back to
Any point in history that I would care to go!
And so I had them send me back to last Thursday night
So I could pay my phone bill on time
Just then the floating disembodied head of
Steven Magnet started yelling
Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so
Important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along!
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
“So, anypony can just make up lyrics, right?” Lyra asked enthusiastically as Noteworthy went in for an accordian solo.
“Go for it!” Pinkie Pie Placed a Precarious Preposterous pot-hat on her head, and Lyra giggled with excitement before continuing on the music.
I was just about to mail a letter to my evil twin
When I got a nasty papercut
And, well, to make a long story short
It got infected and I died!
So now I'm up in a hospital with a ghost
By the mare’s toilets
And it's obvious she doesn't like
The Nehru jacket that I'm wearing
She tells me that we've got a dress code
Well, she lets me haunt the sick ward anyway
But I get the room next to the snoring diabetic
For all eternity
And every day he runs by screaming
Scootaloo nudged me, and gestured that she wanted me to come with her out to the balcony. I gladly followed. They were drawing the zebra in to the next verse, and I wasn’t going to start singing under any circumstances.
We walked out onto the balcony her and I. I realized then, how sad she was. I was surprised I didn’t catch it earlier. I am, after all, a professional tearmonger. Not that she was crying; she was just less then what she should have been.
“You seem down.” I said, taking in the balcony view. “Which is odd, because House seems to have transformed into a fifty mile high disco ball when we weren’t looking.”
“Sorry boss.” House intoned.
“I’m not upset.” Scootaloo shook her head angrily. “I just figured… I’m not really good at singing either. Didn’t really want to be in there.”
“You are very good a deception.” I noticed out loud. “But the trick to truly deceiving somepony, is to not lie. I can teach you about it later.”
Scootaloo blushed furiously and looked away. “I… you could really tell? That’s not fair!” She exclaimed.
“Fair is just another word for boring.” I said with no small amount of unconcern.
Scootaloo sighed, and looked out over the Everfree, in a most melodramatic fashion. Glancing nervously over to me and biting her lip she asked; “Why did you adopt me?”
This was not a question I had been expecting. But I could improvise. “Why do you ask?” I asked.
“Well…” Scootaloo started, blushing and looking anywhere but me. “Everypony else keeps telling me how lucky I am. They keep saying I should be glad to be alive, that you should have turned me into some sort of animal. And…” And at this, Scootaloo began to tear up. “…nopony else wants me.” She turned away from me. “Nopony else... Rainbow Dash didn’t even come to the party.”
Well, this filly sure was enamored by Rainbow Dash. “Perhaps that’s why.” Discord muttered.
“Huh?” The filly looked up at him.
“I think part of the reason why I adopted you, is because no other pony would.” Discord explained, curling a tail of comfort around the filly. “I’ve always had a soft spot for the things nopony else appreciates. I mean… look at me. Ponies take one look at me and run.”
Scootaloo looked up at him with wide eyes. “You mean… you were lonely?”
Wide eyed Discord drew back his tail and quickly disabused the filly of her foolish notions. “No! No I was not lonely!”
“You were!” Scootaloo cheered, grabbed Discord’s tail and hugging onto it. “You were lonely!”
“My magic’s strength is directly proportional to how many ponies are fighting.” Discord muttered. “That’s who I am, that’s what I do. I don’t do… loneliness.”
“Well, that’s sad.” Scootaloo said with unwavering finality.
Discord raised an eyebrow. “There’s another thing I don’t do;” He said. “sad.”
“Aren’t there any other draci… draconi…” Scootaloo stumbled, trying to produce the word draconiquus.
“No.” Discord said, idly chewing on a passing cloud. “I am the only Draconequus. All the other species were so boring, I decided to make up my own.”
“Did you ever try to make another drak… another you?” Scootaloo asked.
“Oh yes.” Discord smiled at the memory. It was the only event he could remember that had actually instilled fear in him besides being turned to stone a second time. But looking back on it, it was vaguely funny. “It didn’t work out too well. Long story short, there’s only one of me, and that can’t change.”
Scootaloo looked at him oddly. “How would you make a you anyway?”
“Oh, like I said, my powers involves shuffling the deck. All I needed were the right cards.” Discord’s eyes glazed as his mind returned to the happier memories. “I used to be a boring ugly alicorn. Then I realized my problem was that my horn was boring, and I traded it to the Elk King for one of his antlers. Then Tali Zulu, an antelope warrior, gave me this second horn if I would grant him wings. This talon I got from a griffon before I turned him into a pony as part of one of my zany schemes against Luna…”
Scootaloo deigned to interrupt him. “So you could make me into a you?”
Discord rounded on the filly, glaring at her. “No.” He said simply. “Never. There can only be one of me.” He turned around looking away from her.
Then a silvery voice interrupted the pair. “AltHOugH… iF It Is poWEr tHe yoUNg fiLly DesIrEs…”
A starlit mist crept over the balcony’s edge. A terrified Scootalo stumbled back, and hugged Discord’s tail closer, while the draconequus just sighed and rolled his eyes. “Hello Excess dear.”
The mist formed a cloud… and the cloud opened its eyes. “DiScoRD, dArlIng. I nEVer gOt a chaNcE to Say hELlo on yOuR lASt ouTinG.” Excess hissed.
“Who is that?” Scootaloo whispered. No idea why. Maybe she thought Excess couldn’t hear her?
“This is Excess.” Discord said, gesturing to the cloud. “She’s the one who took control of Luna a thousand years ago. She’s an eldritch being of pure malevolence, older even than my parents, that can corrupt any sentient being to her will through their volatile emotions. In short, she’s my ex.”
“CorRUpt… And imProVe.” Excess hissed greedily. “TeLl me fiLly… HoW woUlD You lIke to Do a sonIC rAinBoOm thE VerY fiRst tImE You flY?”
“Go away, or my dad will make you go away!” Scootaloo said angrily. The effect was somewhat ruined when a tendril of mist sneaked towards her and Scootaloo tripped over her own tail to back away.
“Oh, I can’t.” Discord said nonchalantly. “I don’t know of any being in Equestria who can hurt her without the Elements of Harmony. Don’t worry, she can’t hurt us.”
“Oh DIScord My darLiNg…” The tendril moved to stroke Discord’s face. “I’M so gLad yOU’re bacK… wiTh YOur hElP, wE Can –”
“Help?” Discord raised an eybrow menacingly. “Stampeding Sisyphus, why would I help you?”
Excess paused, like she was only just realizing how her plan was less than well thought out. “WeLl… beCauSE You lOVe mE?”
Discord snorted, then burst into hysterical, manic laughter. He collapsed on the floor, writhing like a snake in its death throes, twisting and turning and chuckling and Ho-ho-ho-ing and sometimes even pointing at Excess like she was the funniest thing in the world and bursting into an even fresher batch of hilarious-mouth-noises.
“WhaT iS so fUNny?” Excess hissed.
“Dad… is she your special somepony?” Scootaloo asked.
“Not any more.” Discord chuckled. “And she still hasn’t figured it out.”
“WhaT?” Excess’s misty tendrils flew back in outrage.
“We did date for a while.” Discord explained. “But… oh, she was just so boring! It was all ‘take over the world’ this, and ‘destroy the world’ that, and ‘set a trap for our old foe Celestia’… I mean, I guess it was original at the time, but it got old real fast. And she wouldn’t even use her powers for fun! She’d only possess Alicorns or ponies in her definition of ‘power’! So, I hatched a scheme that arranged for both Luna and Excess to spend a few thousand years on the moon.”
The mist seethed as Discord chuckled at her. He didn’t really find it funny any more, but the look on her face when he chuckled renewed his mirth. “Let me guess, you want to possess Scootaloo, and thus control me, or else beg me to annoy Cadence to such an extent that you can have a grip in her? Pathetic.”
He knew she hated being ignored, so he turned his back on her and shrugged. “Guess you didn’t learn your lesson from being locked in the same place with the same pony for a thousand years. You’re still boring. Now I’ll drive everypony I can up the wall, and I know I can’t hurt you, so maybe you’ll benefit if you’re smart enough. But just to be clear… I don’t love you.”
“Y-y-yeah, you’re not my dad’s special somepony any more!” Scootaloo said, sticking out her tongue in some small imitation of defiance.
Excess hissed, as Discord idly twirled his fingers through her incorporeal form. “yOU hAvEn’t seEN thE lAst of Me!” She said with a slither. She swore as she retreated, pulling back into the dark.
Scootaloo peered around the shelter she’d made of Discord’s tail. “She couldn’t really have hurt us… could she?”
Discord shook his head. “Nope.” He said nonchalantly. “I’ve never had emotions strong enough for her to manipulate. She probably could have got you, but she’s far too much of a drama queen to possess a filly, even one as powerful as you.”
He curtsied like a girl, drawing his face into a mocking puckered expression as he began to mock her. “‘I’ll get you my pretty, and your little daughter too… once I finish applying this make-up, and oh dear I’m supposed to meet up with Fabio for my diabolical laughter lessons! Oh well, I shall leave you in this easily escapable trap and set my doomsday weapon to deploy at in one hundred seconds. Oops, did I make that too easy for you? One hundred minutes then’!”
Throughout his performance Scootaloo was giggling. Tears leaked onto her face as she tried to hold it back, but Discord could always get a laugh (or at least a scream) if he applied himself. Scootaloo burst into laughter.
“There, she’s not so scary, right?” Discord chuckled at the filly’s mirth and tickled her so she would procure more laughter. “You really have to fix your face sometime. It was leaking again.”
Scootaloo’s laughter petered out, and she climbed up onto discord’s head. She seemed to favor her perch there behind his horns. “Hey, you don’t really want to destroy the world like her, do you?” She asked.
“I assure you, if I ever do destroy the world, it will be like me.” Discord said with a chuckle. “No no, there was a time when I wanted to turn the world into chaos. But true chaos, whether it takes things apart, or mixes things together, always ends up in the same place; unity. If everything were chaotic, everything would be the same. Like a tree standing alone in a field. How could I make that interesting?”
Discord smiled. “Chaos is a game. I could kill the Elements of Harmony without even a fingersnap, but then everything would be too boring.” He used his eye trick to glance up at Scootaloo with his right eye. “Does that make sense? Or am I thinking in six more dimensions than you again?”
“Uh… I think that makes sense.” Scootaloo nodded. I sensed she was nearing an epiphany, but then her next sentences ruined it. “Yeah. And that’s probably why you’re so lonely too. You’ve never played chaos on a team before.”
“You take things too seriously.” I said with a smile and a sigh. “You know what? Tomorrow, you’re going to take the day off school, and we’re going to start the Seventh Great Prank War!”
“Seventh?” Scootaloo asked.
“I’ll tell you later.” I said, with probably more warmth then I meant to say it with. We walked into the house again, just as Twilight had finished up the last verse of the song (something about getting an A+ for late homework). “So, hey, what’s up with that zebra?”
Everything you know is wrong!
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you used to think was so important
Doesn't really matter anymore
Because the simple fact remains that
Everything you know is wrong!
Just forget the words and sing along!
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong!
Everything you know is wrong!
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Sorry about all the exposition in this chapter. Next chapter will be more comical, promise!
i loved writing the scene with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon so much, that I've decided every day for the rest of the week, discord will just be walking around dissing the show's other villains.
Tomorrow it will be Blueblood.
I hope you all liked my version of Screwball. The Suite Life On Deck is one of the worst children's shows I've ever had to suffer through watching. It's right down to the dregs. But if it has one redeeming quality, it's Mr. Blanket, the insane psychiatrist. My inspiration for Screwball.
Hope you all enjoy!
cAps derp
Missing quote
mOAr cAps derp
Missing quote-thingy
Missing s
The gauntlet. It had been thrown.
I want that on a t- shirt
1971792 Yeah, there was one thing about all that exposition that didn't add up: Why didn't Cadence mention the whole Discord's-my-uncle thing earlier? The only pony that really questioned about it was Twilight, and she technically was supposed to know. Why didn't she tell Discord about it, for instance? I mean from what I can gather, she wasn't quite born when Discord was turned to stone.
...Ugh, I hate nitpicking. Gives me a headache. Have a Discord comic from Tumblr to make up for wasting your time.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2r315F7sc1rnl2pl.jpg
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2r31jtXNL1rnl2pl.jpg
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2r320cAok1rnl2pl.jpg
1972205
Basically? Cadence didn't need to mention it earlier. Should there have been a time when she mentioned it? I didn't think so. Also, while I did do a bit of revision on Day 1, I only recently came up with the mythos of the Royal Family, and so this recent chapter mentions it.
And Discord knows about it, despite Cadence being born around 203 years after he was turned to stone, is because Discord was conscious during his imprisonment. More on that later, but Cadence visited her uncle a lot as a statue when she was young. Oh, and he picked up on various bits of gossip from the garden parties held nearby. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
1972286
That's because it is cute!
1972282 Just one more thing: Is he still going to call her "the pink menace" and other stuff like that?
...Actually, thinking about it, doesn't this make Cadence and Scootaloo cousins? And since Discord is officially part of the royal family, isn't Scoots technically now a princess?
I want Scoots to be a Drac- a him
1972205 to put it simply, and this was told in the chapter, technically she did tell Twilight this, but not how she knew him. Remember Discord's name was King Anarchy, and was changed to Discord. And before you ask, the reason she didn't mention that tidbit, i can only make one guess. Notice how Cadence acts sometimes, and this will make sense: she's Discord's niece, and her mother is his biological sister. Wouldn't it make sense that his chaotic traits were genetically based? in other words, the only reason Cadence doesn't despise him like most others is because she is a tamed version of him in personality.
1972647
Yes. Yes. And Yes. Probably none of this will be addressed.
Discord thinks Cadence is a ditz. He will grow to like her, but for now does not. Technically, Scootaloo is a princess cousin of Cadence, but there is Equestrian bureaucratic paperwork in the way that prevents her from ascending to any sort of throne until Discord proves that he can be a dad for her. Discord himself was pretty much banished from royalty when he got turned to stone, so maybe Scootaloo's still a commoner even.
Much like how Twilight doesn't talk about her princess status much, this will not be dwelt on.
And yes, technically, Twilight is now Scootaloo's second cousin or something.
This story is incredibly funny, and after writting a sad story, I really needed it. Thank you so much, and keep the laughs coming.
1972654
Yup. After all, the genetics correspond to Cutie Marks. Cadence (love)'s mother was Lady Die Rouletta Superstitia Fortunata (Lady Luck) who is the sister of Discord (chaos). Luck is Chaos's sister. Love is Luck's daughter. Love is Chaos's niece. Basic conceptual math.
1971792
1972716 Glad to see i was right on this one. to be honest i thought i overlooked something, second guessed myself, and basically when i do that it all goes downhill...
Oh you evil person you. I am Spite and you having me laugh hysterically at this great story! Fantastic work. I am enjoying this far to much since I oddly have a smile on my face. I guess that is the reason why this is one of my fav favorite stories.
Discord is being such a bastard, but he's doing it in the most touching and endearing way possible. It's hilarious and is such a good interpretation of his character.
Whoo! Yeah! Alright! C'mon now! YEEEAAAAHHH!! Yeah Applejack! Whoooooo! HA HA! HUZZAH!
yay.
That was a good chapter.
this Weird Al fan is pleased by this chapter.
Awesome.
Man, I how did I miss this fic earlier. Love me some Discord. He is just great here.
1972685 first cousin, one generation removed.
Had an idea a couple hours ago for a story somewhat similar to this, looks up to make sure no one else has done it, finds this............ You're lucky that this story is downright hilariously perfect or I would be so mad. Can't wait for more. Liked and faved
2000770
Thanks for that.
2000884
Well you can still do it if it's somewhat similar. There can be more than one 'Discord adopts Scootaloo' story. This whole thing started from an idea that maybe Scootaloo was part pheonix, and that's why she can't fly; because she's not lighting her wings on fire before she flies. Thus Discord was her birth father with Philomena being her birth mother.
I am so glad I went with the 'adopted' version of the story instead.
But hey, just because my story is extraordinarily funny, doesn't mean you can't do your story too. Just keep it a little bit different. I have a whole lot of plot twistings and turnings coming up, along with backstories and original villains, along with a whole lot more comedy. I'm sure whatever you come up with will be completely different.
Besides, I can't become 'president of Discord fics' if there's no competition.
Great chapter interesting twist with Discord's family. I also like this Excess character. Looking forward to seeing what part she will play in the story. Will more villains show up later? Like Chrysalis, Tirek, Grogar, or maybe some more OC villains.
“Say, how did you two find out about my secret tunnels?” She asked.
Seeing that Shining Armor was about to wilt under the scrutiny, Discord stepped in. “We don’t know a thing about your tunnels.” He explained. “This is all just a dream.”
“Oh!” Pinkie Pie nodded in understanding. “I guess I’d better head back to the spa and wake up then!” And she hopped away down into the tunnels.
“That should not have worked.” Shining Armor shook his head.
I'm a bit confused why you seem to keep switching between first and third person.
OCPD. Not OCD
OCD is where you have weird compulsions to do certain rituals.
OCPD is where you're an order-obsessed perfectionist... aka Twilight Sparkle.
I think I like this Screwball! Eveytthing You Know Is Wrong, that song is perfect for Discord!
Have a Weird Al!