Day 3: The Welcome Wagon
Discord woke up the next morning to a strange rumbling in his stomach. Not in his stomach per se, but somewhat lower. It was a painful sort of rumbling.
Discord gasped in pain, and tumbled off of the chandelier. Deciding in an instant what his next course of action would be, He crawled his way to the loverbird’s bedroom, instinctively knowing where in the house they were because even in mortal agony he was awesome like that.
Making his way to the foot of their bed, he did his best to put on a face that was not a grimace, and snaked his way above the bed, not even touching his sheets. He was directly above the princess, and about to scream in her ear, where a strong hoof grabbed him around the neck, choking him.
Discord’s eyes met Shining Armor’s, and he tried to grin disarmingly.
It didn’t work.
It usually does work though.
On the ladies.
Shining Armor isn’t a lady, obviously.
Maybe in another dimension where he is a lady…
Anyway, Discord was quickly booted out of the room, and Armor shut the door behind him. “What did you think you were doing?” He asked, menacingly.
“I was going to force her to listen to my dying screams.” Discord groaned. “Your girlfriend poisoned me!”
Shining Armor had the audacity to scoff at his pain! “She wouldn’t do that. I would’ve, if I knew a bit more about poisons.”
“Laugh all you want, I’m dying here!” Discord moaned.
Shining Armor seemed to be struck by a thought. “Discord… you had trouble eating yesterday.”
“Oh cruel fate!” Discord moaned. “Why did Celestia send her most scornful murderers to kill me? Why couldn’t she send somepony who would kill me without the mockery?”
“Oh stop it.” Shining Armor kicked him in the side. “Discord, after everything you ate yesterday, you didn’t go to the bathroom once. Do you think that might be the problem here?”
Discord moaned. “No, I’ve been poisoned. Toilets are for normal ponies. I’ve never had to –” He froze, suddenly remembering that he could no longer cast magic for himself. “Oh, horse apples.”
“Exactly.” Shining Armor nodded. “It’s a natural consequence of eating.”
“I hate consequences.” Discord moaned. “They’re so… consequential.”
And thus, Shining Armor did potty train Discord.
And there was no rejoicing.
It was the most humiliating thing I’ve ever experienced. Ever. Nothing else came close. Whenever I’m humiliated next, I can always look back and say, ‘at least Shining Armor isn’t standing outside the door telling me to relax’.
By the time I got out of the porcelain prison, Scootaloo was already up. Princess Cadence was still sleeping. According to Shining Armor, she’d had a little bit more of Pinkie Pie’s special sauce at last night’s party then was necessary. I reminded myself to thank that mare at tonight’s party.
“Good morning dad.” She said. Beaming on about the fact that she actually had a dad to call dad.
“Good morning kiddo.” I plopped myself on the table.
“Mornin’, all.” House said.
Shining Armor coughed pointedly at Discord, and pointed to the empty table. With a sigh, Discord gestured to the table. “I’ve already prepared food.” He said.
Shining Armor and Scootaloo looked at the table. Scootaloo waved her hoof in front of her and found my invisible treat. “Yay! I found it!” She buried her face in edible air.
Shining Armor hesitantly took a bite out of the air, and made a face. I guess he found the apple I’d made from the air I found in the bathroom that morning. Serves him right.
At the end of her breakfast, Scootaloo looked up. “Hey House?” She asked.
“Yus miss?”
“I woke up in the basement again.” She said. “I thought you were gonna make sure my room was always at the top of the house?”
“Yus miss.” House shook, as if he were nodding. “You wuz in the tower miss. But I flipped up’n’over in de night.”
Scootaloo sighed. “Could you try not to flip upside down again then?”
House pondered this. “Can try miss.”
“Okay.” Scootaloo sighed, and grabbed her backpack. She looked around, as if she were waiting for Princess Cadence to pop out of nowhere and stuff her face again, but the pink menace was nowhere to be seen.
I deigned to follow her out of the door. Like House said, he’d become a magnificent upside-down castle overnight, so they needed my help getting out of the front door. I kicked out the red carpet and if fell upside-down on a stairway made of air.
Where they met with an even stranger sight.
A grey Pegasus with a blonde mane was wrestling the alfalfa pony to the ground.
I knew it would become a running gag.
“Hey Derpy!” Scootaloo greeted her, as she bounced down the carpet. “Whatchya doin’?”
One of Derpy’s eyes rolled towards Scootaloo, while the other remained fixed on the alfalfa. Discord immediately tried to replicate the trick.
“I’m trying to get the mail into the mailbox.” Derpy explained.
“I told you, I’m not a mailbox!” The alfalfa cried. It pointed at a giant spider on a barber pole. “That’s the mailbox!”
Derpy looked at the spider, who hissed at her, then back the alfalfa. “Are you sure you aren’t the mailbox?” She asked. “You seem so much easier to put mail into.”
“I’ll take that mail.” Shining Armor hurried forward. “I apologize for the behavior of our mailbox. House?”
“Sorry Sir.” House mumbled.
“See to it that the mailbox doesn’t attack this mare, alright?”
House shook. “Not sure I can sir. But I try sir.”
“I’m sure you will.” Shining Armor nodded understandingly. “Er… House, do houses eat?”
“…Not sure sir.” House said, in a confused tone.
“Well ask Princess Cadence to see if she can whip you up something.” Shining Armor said in a smugly satisfied tone.
Discord immediately grabbed him by the shoulders and shook him. “Have you lost your little pony mind!?” He asked.
Shining Armor glared at him. “If House can eat, then he probably should.”
Discord pressed his face against Armor’s, looking him straight in the eye. “But if I can’t escape from the consequences of food, how do you think he’ll fare!? Can you imagine a pooping house? Can you!? You’re not getting me to clean up after it!”
Scootaloo giggled. The poor thing was too young to understand what she was dealing with.
“Well I have to clean up after your messes.” Shining Armor glared. “You’re lucky Princess Cadence doesn’t think spontaneously creating life is grounds for being a bad father. If you count the alfalfa thing, Scootaloo technically has two siblings!”
Scootaloo gasped and her eyes sparkled.
“Oh, now you’ve done it.” Discord said, putting Shining Armor down.
“OhCelestiathisissocoolHouseyou’remybabybrother!” Scootaloo squealed with delight.
“I am?” House pondered this. “Yay.” He said tonelessly.
Scootaloo took another deep breath and began to talk at a speed that would make RainbowDash jealous. I’ve never understood how she does that.
“Ohthisisgoingtobesomuchfun,we’llbejustlikeTwilightandSpikeandwe’lldoeverythingtogetherexceptyoucan’tmovebutifyoueverdolearntowalkoneofthesedayswe’lltotallydoallsortsofbrotherandsisterstuff!”
“Yus Miss.” House said. It smiled, but it was upside down so it looked like a frown.
“Don’t call me miss silly!” Scootaloo giggled. “Call me Scoots!”
“… Yus Scoots.”
The filly squealed. “This is awesome! It’s like an actual family! Hey Alfalfa mare…” She spun around in place but the alfalfa mare was gone.
“Don’t worry Scootaloo, we’ll find her.” Shining Armor patted her on the shoulder comfortingly.
“If the rabbits don’t first.” Discord muttered.
Thankfully, Scootaloo didn’t hear, so Shining Armor didn’t have to glare at him tediously.
Had life really become so predictable?
Well, we met more opposition on the way into town this morning. Which is to say that, instead of running into their houses when they saw me, most ponies just stared, and collapsed stiffly when I got in their faces and said ‘boo’.
A lot of them were even wearing those ridiculous hazmat suits.
“Why is the sky all one color?” Discord asked, still trying to replicate what the mailmare did with her eyes. “It’s beginning to get on my nerves.”
“I think it’s all the same color specifically to annoy you.” Shining Armor said, with the most annoying smirk I have ever seen on anypony.
Scootaloo’s scooting slowed, then stopped altogether when they reached the schoolhouse. “Do I have to go to school today?” She asked.
“No.” I said.
“Yes.” Shining Armor said. “Why don’t you want to go to school?”
“I’m worried about what the other ponies might think of me.” Scootaloo admitted. “I mean… if Applebloom doesn’t like me any more…”
“Is that all?” Discord shrugged. “Young lady, take it from me. Other ponies opinions are nothing to worry about.”
“Really?” She asked, looking up at him with bright, hopeful eyes.
“Of course.” Discord smiled. “I used to be a king, remember? Sometimes the ponies loved me, other times all they could do was whine about how they’re suddenly less than an inch tall. Pony’s opinions change with the times, and the only thing you can do about it is dominate them until their mouths stop making those whiny noises.”
Discord thought the advice was rather fatherly. However, Scootaloo’s face fell. Shining Armor glared at Discord, and gave Scootaloo and encouraging pat on the back. “I’m sure you’ll do fine. It may take some time for your classmates to get used to having a celebrity in their class, but just be yourself and pretty soon they’ll go back to thinking of you as just another pony.”
“Ugh.” Discrod grunted. “You say ‘just another pony’ as if it were a good thing.”
Scootaloo beamed. “Yeah, you’re right!”
Shining Armor turned his gaze from where he was glaring at Discord back to Scootaloo. “Of course I –”
“Both of you are.” Scootaloo began to strut in place. “I’m a celebrity now. I’ve just got to show my peeps that they can still be chill with me.”
I think Shining Armor’s heart might have stopped then.
I took advantage of his cardiac arrest to lean forward and pat Scootaloo on the back. “Have a fun day kiddo.” I said. She nodded and flittered into the schoolhouse.
Shining Armor recovered and glared at me.
I, meanwhile, had got my eyes to the point where they were similar to the mailmare’s.
“Hey, Armor, check it out.” I gestured proudly to my eyes as one traced a bumblebee’s path through the sky, and the other looked into both of his eyes.
He was still glaring.
“You try it.” I prompted.
Still glaring.
“No no no, that’s not how you do it at all.” I sighed. “You’re hopeless Shining Armor. Hopeless.”
Still glaring.
“What, is there something on my incredibulous eyes? You know, if you keep making that face, it’ll stick like that.”
Shining Armor sighed and shook his head. “Discord, could you try to be more interested in Scootaloo than in Derpy’s face? Or maybe even just pretend?”
Discord shrugged, and stopped making the eyes. “You know, I think you’re jealous of my newfound eyeball prowess. I thought I was being very fatherly to Scootaloo.”
“Well you’re wrong on both counts.” Shining Armor said, shaking his head. “Come on, let’s get back to House. I have some paperwork to catch up on, and then we have to draft a strategy for catching the alfalfa mare and adopting her… it? And then we have to –”
“I’m bored already.” Discord growled at Shining Armor. I mean, was the unicorn trying to bore him to death? “Come on, let’s go do something fun. Oh, I know! We could go down to Sweet Apple Acres with a few cans of paint. Then on one side of the barn, we could paint a big old pair of doors leading into the barn, and then on the other side we could paint –”
“No.” Shining Armor said firmly, putting his hoof down. “I know you’re evil Discord, but Celestia ordered me to reform you and so help me I will do my best. You are going to be a responsible adult, starting with paperwork!”
Discord sighed. “Fine, I’ll shred up all of your precious paperwork.” I conceded. “But I’ll do that later. For now, fun times!”
“Wait, what –” I never did find out what he wanted to say, because I’d already picked him up and jumped into the air. He gave a panicked scream before we were even a foot off the ground. How odd. You’d think the Captain of the Royal Guards would be a bit less scared of heights.
I never got to find out how he reacted to being carried more than two feet however. Because just then I remembered I couldn't fly.
And also because a frying pan hit my face.
I crumpled to the ground. Not out of pain mind you, but of shock! Discord feels no pain! Wait… I mean Discord feels no shock, it was the pain that brought me down. Which is to say… it only looked like the pan hit me in the face, but I stopped it, and then ducked before somebody broke their kitchenware on my magnificence. Not that I was being nice! Just… being cool. Smooth.
The pair of us looked up (my smoothness had the side effect of dropping three hundred pounds of draconequi on Shining Armor) at the mare who threw the frying pan. She was a green earth pony with frayed white hair, done up in a boring old bun. She was in a cart full of kitchen utensils, some sharp, some heavy, and some that really didn’t look like they could hurt me at all, but I didn’t want to find out how she planned on using the whisk. (Well, I admit I was curious, but not with me as the demonstration.)
She was surrounded by a hoard (Herd? Pack? Pod? Murder? Flock? Pride? Town? Gesundheit?) of ponies, who were all either carrying torches, or carrying pitchforks.
“Oh look, it’s a mob.” Discord grinned. “Mobs are always fun.”
“Where did they get so many pitchforks?” Shining Armor wondered curiously.
“Discord!” The old earth pony called. “Yer reign o’ terror is at an end!”
The ponies behind them cheered their assent, as the two of us stood up. “Hmmm…” Discord wondered. “Let’s see… this is a new mob so I should probably start out slow… should we play ‘Chaos Piñata’? Or how about, ‘Lose Them In The Impossible Maze’? Or maybe we could play ‘Pitchfork Pinball’…”
Shining Armor rolled his eyes. “Discord, I know you’re somewhat new to consequences.” Shining Armor said. “But when pointy things hit your body it hurts. A lot.”
Discord looked at him aghast. “You’re kidding!?” He asked, somewhat hopefully.
“Imagine what happens when you chew, only three times, and then into your vital organs instead of your lower lip.” Shining Armor explained.
That sounded like a lot of pain, even if I wasn’t sure what he meant by ‘vital organs’.
“Charge!” The big red stallion pulled the cart forward, and the mob surged ahead. They were stopped by a force field (colored a rather effeminate shade of pink).
“Alright everypony, listen.” Shining Armor began. “I know that Discord here is responsible for a lot of damage here in Ponyville, but I want to assure you all –”
Discord picked him up by the shoulders and shook him. “Are you mad!?” He roared.
“What?” Armor asked, confused.
“Look,” The Draconequis sighed and set the pony down. “I understand you’re new to the whole ‘angry mob’ thing. Don’t worry. I’ll teach you. I have lots of experience. But rule number one: Don’t ever try to talk things out rationally. It will only make things better.”
“…What.” Poor Shining Armor asked, obviously too dim-witted to comprehend the situation he was in.
“This is how you deal with an angry mob.” Discord explained. “He swatted Shining Armor’s horn, making him drop the force field. “Ruuuuuunnnnn!!!” Discord grabbed his hoof and ran, letting the Captain of the Royal Guard be pulled along like a tail.
“WHAT!?” Shining Armor almost broke down crying as the citizens of Ponyville surged forward again.
“Cue chase scene music!” Discord laughed. And surprisingly enough, some old geezer sitting on his porch snorted awake, and began playing a record on the phonograph he had nearby.
Shining Armor was yelling something, I really couldn’t make it out in the excitement.
Goodness, I hadn’t had such a mob chasing me since the times of old! There must have been at least ten dozen ponies after me! Back and forth we went. I had no clue how Ponyville was laid out, but when it’s the master of disorder against a disorganized mob, having no clue where you were is actually a nigh irreplaceable advantage.
As is the way of these things, Discord eventually escaped by diving into a cart of apples in the market.
Discord and Shining Armor hit the bottom of the tunnel with a dull thud. “… What?” Shining Armor asked, unable to comprehend how he ended up in the bottome of a tunnel when he and Discord had just been diving into an apple cart.
“Shush.” Discord scolded him, biting back his irritation at having landed on his head and having felt it. He slithered back to the top of the tunnel and listened intently.
“Where’d he go?” A pony cried.
“I saw him go that way!” A pony lied.
“He can’t have gone far!” A pony tried.
“Get yer hay dogs!” A pony fried.
Discord slithered back down the tunnel. “I think we lost ‘em.” He chuckled.
Shining Armor was investigating the tunnels intently. “Where… did these tunnels come from?” He asked.
Discord poked his head down the tunnel. “Ants?”
“This is a little big for ants.” Shining Armor grunted.
“I dunno, I’ve seen some pretty big ants in my day.” Discord said, exploring the tunnels further. He popped his head out from underneath a bush, and upon observing the angry mob pass by again, he ducked his head back down. “These tunnels must go under the entire town. How interestiiiiing.” He cackled under his breath.
Shining Armor looked around. “These tunnels must go under the entire town.” He noted, in his usual slow-on-the-uptake way. “It might be part of another invasion force… maybe a Changeling hive… or worse.”
“What could be worse than a hive of changelings?” Pinkie Pie asked.
“Oh, all sorts of things.” Discord said, beginning to rattle off a list. “A hive of pony-eating Tiger-Worms, the Windigo King, a coven of pine trees, an Oxford professor, and those are just the sort of things that actually exist…”
“Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!” Shining Armor stopped yelled. “Wait. Pinkie Pie. Where did you come from?” He asked.
“Two trees left of Town Hall.” Said Pinkie Pie. And that is why she is my favorite pony.
“No, I mean…” Shining Armor struggled to form a question in the face of insanity. “How did you know about these tunnels?”
“Oh, you mean the secret tunnels that I dug all around Ponyville using my background as a rock farmer? My psychiatrist recommended it.” Pinkie Pie said, with only the slightest giggle to go on as to whether she was lying or not. “Say, how did you two find out about my secret tunnels?” She asked.
Seeing that Shining Armor was about to wilt under the scrutiny, Discord stepped in. “We don’t know a thing about your tunnels.” He explained. “This is all just a dream.”
“Oh!” Pinkie Pie nodded in understanding. “I guess I’d better head back to the spa and wake up then!” And she hopped away down into the tunnels.
“That should not have worked.” Shining Armor shook his head. “Let’s just go home before we’re mobbed again.”
It took them forty tries navigating the maze of tunnels before the pair of them found the right one. Princess Cadence was up, and (gracefully) preparing them lunch by the time they got home. She was rushing about the kitchen with a mint green unicorn, passing foodstuffs back and forth. “I’m glad you er… stallions finally decided to show up.” She said, when she noticed we were there. She probably hesitated in the middle there because I don’t quite fit the ‘stallion’ portion of her greeting.
“Maybe we would come here for lunch more often if your food was fit for a king’s constitution.” Discord held his nose in the air.
Princess Cadence raised an eyebrow (a delicate one) at Shining Armor.
“He’s unused to food that doesn’t come out the other end.” Shining Armor said, not even bothering to hide his impertinent snicker.
Princess Cadence’s eyes softened, as if suddenly Discord was some pony to be pitied instead of a monster. “Oh you poor thing…” She said. Discord had grown tired of the condescension the first day, but now his attitude was buried in the sandpony’s dust and snoring like a log.
Thankfully, her condescending condescension was cut short by a snort of laughter from the unicorn. “Oh my Celestia, you mean he isn’t even house trained?” She chortled.
Discord glared at her. “My house is very trained.” Said he. “Observe.” He dug his toe-claws into the floor and cried; “House! Roll over!”
“Yus sir.” House said. Princess Cadence had just enough time to take to the air before house rolled over. Shining Armor and the other unicorn both raced along the walls, trying to keep upright.
As the house rolled to a stop, the green unicorn grinned. “That was awesome!” She cheered. “I want a house like this!”
I raised an eyebrow. “Well well Princess, who is this most entertaining guest?”
The princess put her (carefully manicured) hoof around the unicorn. “This is my good friend Lyra Heartstrings. She’s one of the S-class Royal Guards posted in Ponyville.”
“That means Special class, and not Special Ed either!” Lyra boasted, puffing up her chest with pride. “If you go rogue, me and my team are gonna kick your flank seven ways to next week!”
“Oh, how precious.” Discord patted her on the head. “The widdle one finks she’s special so she wants to fight da evil monsta.”
Lyra rolled her eyes. “Oh yeah? I heard Shining Armor gave you a run for your money the last time you broke out of prison, and he was only S-class then.”
Discord’s eyes widened, and rounded on Shining Armor. “You told them?” He asked.
Shining Armor shrugged. “No. But I did put a copy of the post-battle report in the training manual, so others could learn from it.” He said, as if ruining the reputation of Equestria’s greatest villain was just something that he did on a regular basis.
Lyra snorted. “Did he really take you by the neck and shove–”
“Oh look food!” Discord cried out, changing the subject.
He reached for a powdered fruit, but Cadence batted his paw away with a wooden spoon. “Oh no you don’t. This food is for House.”
“You’re not trying to feed it are you?” Discord asked. “It might poop.”
Lyra’s eyes widened. “I hadn’t thought of that.” She said, turning to Cadence. “Are we sure this is a good idea?”
Cadence nodded (like a butterfly). “If House can eat, he should eat.” She said. She levitated a pair of hay sandwiches out of a picnic basket. “Here are your lunches. I’m sorry, it was going to be a picnic. I didn’t think finding out what House eats would take so long.”
“I’d rather have what House is eating.” Discord said, pointing. “You can’t trick me with your talk of ‘consequences’. I know you’re poisoning the food slowly to kill me off without suspicion.”
Shining Armor smiled mockingly. Again. Lyra tried to stifle her giggle. Princess Cadence just smiled, so sweetly that sugar spontaneously appeared over the bowl of fruit. Or maybe that was just her magic. “Last night, I went out of town to find somepony you hadn’t given an unhealthy attraction towards a large rock to, and I got her to make this.” She held up the package the cross-eyed mailpony had delivered that morning. Discord took it, unwrapped it, and stared at it.
“It was a custom order.” Princess Cadence said helpfully, as Discord stared at the thing inside the box.
It was some sort of sheath for a sword, encrusted with light traces of rubies and gilded with gold, the same shades of my eyes. I wasn’t sure what the body was made of, only it felt like leather, and tasted like sugar.
“What is it?” Discord asked.
“It’s a tooth sheath.” Princess Cadence explained. “You strap it to your mouth, and it makes sure you don’t kill yourself every time you chew.”
Discord, confused, took the sheath out of the package and tried it on. He got the straps right on his second try, and then looked in his reflection in the sink’s water.
“It looks like my mouth has an eye patch.” He noted.
“Here, chew this.” Princess Cadence (majestically) tossed him a sugar-coated apple. Discord took a few experimental bites, and smiled.
“I approve.” He said. “But I’m not wearing it because it’ll help me eat your devil food, I’m wearing it because it makes my smile look like a pirate.”
“A dashing roguish pirate.” Lyra complimented.
Shining Armor stared at her. “Where did that come from?”
“What, you didn’t notice?” Lyra shrugged. “Ah, I guess you wouldn’t with Cadence right here. Just take my word for it, it’s a very dashing and roguish smile.”
I told you it worked on the ladies.
“You’re flirting with the enemy!” Shining Armor accused Lyra.
She shrugged. “Well, yeah.” She said. “How many times do I get to flirt with an immortal? I mean, there’s Luna, but she’s too… old fashioned for my type of flirtation. Then there’s Cadence, but she already turned me down for you. Then there’s Celestia, but you just keep insisting that we maintain a professional attitude towards our boss even though I know she doesn’t mind…”
Princess Cadence had that smile in her eyes that she had when Pinkie Pie started chasing Twilight.
“But Discord’s public enemy number one!” Shining Armor whined.
“So?” Lyra shrugged. “As I recall, we had a full alert going for Chrysalis, and you still flirted with her.”
…
Oh. Snap.
Lyra became my new favorite pony on principle.
I thought Shining Armor’s glare was becoming permanent, but it turned out he had an even deeper level of glare stored up for when ponies really ticked him off. “S-class Elite Royal Guardspony 2nd Rank Lyra Heartstrings 03891 Ponyville Unit.” He growled, his lack of machismo apparently forcing him to revert to a mother’s habit of calling a pony by their full title. “We will discuss this later. I believe you have a report to file on the ongoing hunt for the Hydra.”
Lyra chuckled nervously and backed away from Shining Armor, as he glared at her with the power of a thousand dragons. She looked to Cadence for some support, but even her (sugary) smile had quickly turned into a (beautiful) frown. “Alright. Okay, yeah, I do have a report to file.”
She trotted out the door. “Oh, Minuette and Twinkleshine send their regard.” Lyra called over her shoulder at Cadence. “They would’ve been here in person but, you know, they’re still in the hospital. Not that what you did wasn’t cool, we all would’ve done the same. But I feel sorry they had to fight me for the bouquet.”
“Come again!” I called after her, and she turned briefly to give me a wink.
Cadence shook her (glorious) head. “She means well… usually.” She turned back to House with a smile. “Okay House, where’d your mouth go?”
We used the rest of the day to try and figure out what House ate. After a long and frustrating search, involving many explosions and the odd barrel of toxic waste, we figured it out.
Ponies. Houses eat ponies.
As it turns out, a pony’s mere presence provides essential nutrients to a house, allowing it to grow a personality. Of course, like other foods, if a pony is left inside a house for too long, the house begins to grow stale and sick, so it expels the pony whose nutrients have gone.
That’s right, ponies are not just house food, they are house poop.
Including me.
Smile all you want, but you’re house poop too.
Anyway, thankfully Cadence’s special talent encompasses all things romantic, and thus she is a master chef (having won three major cooking titles, among various other awards for her gourmet food of romance). It is thanks to this special talent we finished our strange and exciting chore just before we had to leave and pick up Scootaloo from school.
But first, I made Shining Armor stop and by me ice cream.
Not to eat though. I just wanted a hat to go with my tooth sheath.
“You’re hopeless.” Shining Armor said, as I adjusted my cone to achieve the maximum amount of debonairness one could have sitting on an old park bench with Neapolitan dripping down one’s face.
“But you’re so in love with the Princess’ rules you’ll try and help me reform anyways.” Discord said with a smile. “Even if you have to buy me every ice cream cone in Ponyville. You know, if you did, I might just reform…” His eyes sparkled, and he turned to Shining Armor with all the power of a six year old who just figured out what to do in the next five seconds.
“No.” Shining Armor said firmly.
“But I didn’t even ask my question.” Discord pouted.
The pout usually works.
On the ladies.
I think Shining Armor is spending too much time with Cadence. He wouldn’t know a good pout if it fell on his head with an anvil, a piano, a safe, and three comical sound effects. Sadly, even after thinking such a fate-tempting thought, no miraculous piano/anvil/safe combo dropped out of the sky on him.
“Here they come.” Shining Armor muttered.
Discord looked down from his ice cream cone, and saw, to his surprise, that Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were walking together. AppleBloom was following at a very wary distance, no doubt still nervous about Discord.
Shining Armor gasped, and gritted his teeth with a righteous fury. Discord raised an eyebrow at him and the pony scoffed.
“Scootaloo’s right eye.” He pointed out.
Discord was surprised, and that didn’t happen often.
Scootaloo had a black eye.
Shining Armor was already on his feet and racing towards them. “What happened?” He asked, as he stopped in front of them.
“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon cornered Scootaloo at recess.” Sweetie Belle explained. “They’ve always been bullyin’ us. Our parents said to not get into fights, and Cheerilee just talks to them, which doesn’t make them stop at all. But this time…” Sweetie Belle gulped. “They started picking on her right in front of everypony. And nopony even stood up for her. They all treated her like they didn’t know her any more…”
“They didn’t.” AppleBloom said harshly, not looking at the group. “Nopony knows her. She ain’t told anypony about her parents, until one day when she shows up with pure evil as a pa. If it weren’t for you, none a this would’a happened!” She screamed at Discord. She blushed and growled furiously. “It was mighty mean what Tiara did though…”
“Don’t blame me.” Discord muttered. “I didn’t know she’d be bullied. And I would do something about it, but Mr. Shining Armor here wants to send me back to –”
“Do it.” Shining Armor said, interrupting Discord’s monologue.
“What was that?” Discord asked incredulously.
“Do it.” Shining Armor said. “I have no patience for bullies. As far as I’m concerned, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are free game for you. So long as Scootaloo approves, just try and keep your chaos toned down to a level suitable for foals.”
Scootaloo’s eyes widened. “But her dad’s the richest pony in Ponyville!” She said.
“Not anymore.” Shining Armor said, puffing himself up like some great hero. “I’m Prince Shining Armor, Captain of the Royal Guards, and if her father thinks he can let his daughter push you around just because he’s the second richest stallion in Ponyville, then he can talk to me about it. Now you do what you’ve got to do Discord.”
I gave him a jaunty wink, and took to the skies. Oh, I hadn’t felt this free in ages! Shining Armor had actually given me permission to go full throttle! Almost full throttle! It didn’t matter, it was freedom!
But alas, I couldn’t take him up on his offer.
No, Discord would never actually do what any pony commanded him to do. That would be preposterous! He really didn’t like those two fillies. He hadn’t even met them and he didn’t like them. Not that he disapproved of bullies, oh no. He was all for the strong picking on the defenceless. One of his favorite past-times was tormenting foals. But he only minded bullies if they didn’t do things like terrify their victims, if they were actually tougher, or smarter, or what have you. Diamond Tiara, no matter how rich her dad was, wasn’t rich herself. And she probably didn’t even have a villain song.
And didn’t she know Scootaloo was Discord’s daughter? Not that he would admit to having any feelings for the filly, but she belonged to him. And Diamond Tiara knew that – she was using it to mock her without consequence! An attack on Scootaloo was an attack on Discord.
But he wouldn’t be using magic on the fillies. Discord may have been an unparalleled magician, but sometimes he just liked to play games. That besides, he knew from experience that most foals were too simple to be bothered by things like being transformed against their will. Simply talking to them would be much crueler. And this would be a great chance to sow some chaos in the fields.
Ponies don’t panic when things go according to plan. Even if the plan is horrifying. If Discord announced that he’d ravage the land for three months, making it impossible for them to grow any food at all for a further three months, then they’d start singing songs about winter. If Discord taught the bullies a valuable lesson in not picking on smaller ponies by shrinking them, then he’d be hailed as a hero.
So no, while Discord would have liked to stuff an apple in the filly’s mouths, and serve them to the princess on a platter, he’d go for the less predictable route. There was unusual punishment, and there was cruel punishment, and only one of them meant precious disharmony.
He spotted the two fillies and dove. At breakneck speeds he caught them, and flew with them into the bushes behind the schools. They screamed of course, but Discord happily tuned them out until he was far enough away in the bushes where nopony would hear them.
“Hello.” He smiled at them.
“Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!” Said each of his teeth, beaming at the fillies with pirate-y faces.
It was in Scootaloo’s best interests to shake them up a little.
The fillies screamed again, and Discord quickly covered their mouths. “Yes, thank you, I’m scary, can we go past the point where you two scream?”
The fillies still tried to scream, and Discord was starting to get annoyed. So, he snapped his fingers and the two of them suddenly accelerated. The moved faster and faster, their screaming reaching a pitch that Discord couldn’t hear, thankfully, though some dogs in the neighborhood might complain. Eventually they began to get tired, and stop screaming, and then Discord let them resume normal speed.
“Are you done?” He asked politely.
“What… do you want…” Diamond Tiara croaked through her sore throat.
“I just want to chat.” Discord said. “Now, let me see. Diamond Tiara… your cutie mark means you have a head for business and leadership, am I right?”
Diamond Tiara beamed, and nodded. Even in the grasp of a sinister monster, ponies still enjoyed being complimented on their cutie marks.
“And you, Silver Spoon… your special talent is bowing down to other pony’s superior mind powers?”
“Yeah…” Silver Spoon beamed. Then she frowned. “Wait… no?”
“Whatever.” Discord shrugged, and turned back to Diamond Tiara. “Now, I have a business proposition for you Ms. Tiara.”
Tiara smiled and sat up straight. “Go on.” She said, primly.
“You see, I have a daughter, Scootaloo.” Discord explained. “Being quite literally the only pony capable of accessing the magic of the most powerful being in Equestria, she has a pretty good life ahead of her. And I think it would be in her… best interests to remain ignorant of how good she has it. So she doesn’t end up like the pair of sniveling spoiled sycophants you two are.”
Diamond Tiara gasped, like Discord had slapped her. But he wasn’t done yet.
“So, in her… best interests, I would like to offer you bits in exchange for your services.” Technically, he did (at this moment) believe it was in her best interests. “In short, I will pay you to continue bullying my daughter, in increasingly agitating yet also discreet ways.”
This wasn’t what Diamond Tiara had been expecting. “You… want to pay us to bully her?” She asked to make sure.
Discord nodded. “Do you prefer payment in bits, or long lost treasures only I know the location of?” He asked.
Diamond Tiara smiled. “You want to pay us… to bully her.” She repeated.
“If you’re good at something, why do it for free?” Discord asked with a laugh.
Diamond tiara laughed. “Let me just get this straight.” She giggled. “You want to pay us… to bully Scootaloo.”
“Brilliant observation.” Discord mock clapped. “Surely being a master detective is just one of your many talents.”
“What about me?” Silver Spoon asked.
“We’re busy talking about important things right now.” Discord haughtily waved her away.
She frowned, obviously not understanding my nuances. “But… what about me?” She asked again.
“Quiet Silver Spoon, I’m in the middle of a business deal.” Diamond Tiara rubbed her hooves together eagerly. “I’m going to want this in writing. None of your magic writing either.”
“Of course.” Discord reached off to the side, elongating his arm. It felt good to shapeshift again. Pulling a non-magicked piece of paper and quill into the bushes from some unsuspecting sap (he secretly hoped it was Twilight Sparkle) he handed it to Diamond Tiara who began to draw up a contract. In about a minute, she was done, and she handed it to Discord.
He examined it closely. “Let’s see… you want me to pay you in standard Equestrian bits… C.E.O. level wages… paid vacations… union dues? Well, alright I suppose. Further Expenses covered by magic… In the event that you get caught, I make it so you don’t get in trouble… Ah, well, no, I’m not going to give you license to use my image for advertising, but other than that, everything looks in order.”
Diamond Tiara made the necessary adjustments and the three of them signed the papers.
Ugh. I hate beurocracy.
But it serves its purpose.
“Now, as for the matter of payment.” I said, rubbing my hands eagerly. This was the good bit.
“We already specified that.” Diamond Tiara noted. “C.E.O. level wages in standard Equestrian bits.”
“Oh of course, of course.” I said with a smile. “But you see, even C.E.O.s get paid in proportion to the quality of their product. I’ll be paying you depending on how you bully Scootaloo.”
Diamond Tiara was starting to get nervous. You could see it in her eyes. “And… how would that…”
“I made a chart to demonstrate.” I said, pulling out a chart and an easel from behind Silver Spoon’s ear to help her. Unfortunately, she had a cutie mark for bossing ponies around, not making money like her father. If she did, then her mind would have exploded. The chart was a detailed list of exactly how much money she would get for performing whichever services. Exactly whichever services. For instance, punching her on 2:30 of a Friday, was more expensive then punching her on 2:31 on a Friday, pushing her would usually be paid higher than actually punching her, Etc. There were ven diagrams, there were multiplying factors, there were loopholes (in fact, the whole thing was made of holes that looped). There were lists of exactly how much would be subtracted, multiplied, or added onto the pay for mitigating factors, such as multiplying a quarter of the reward by 13 if they got Cheerilee to participate in the bullying, or subtracting an amount worth the sum total of all of the ladybugs in the field north of Ponyville if they bullied with less than three witnesses. And of course, the whole chart, or sometimes just sections, would change at irregular intervals. It was a thing of beauty.
Diamond Tiara stared at the chart, a look of pure terror in her face. “What… what language is it written in?”
“Oh this? It’s Equestrian.” I explained with a shrug. “Please tell me your teacher taught you how to read.”
“That’s no Equestrian I’ve ever seen.” Diamond Tiara shivered.
“Hmmm?” I looked at the chart, and then at the contract she’d written up. I hadn’t really been reading the letters. Letters are just lines and scribbles on a page after all. I’d been reading the pattern of intent behind the letters. The pattern that makes ponies see a series of scribbles and think they mean something. But now that I looked at the actual letters, they did look different.
“Huh. What do you know?” I shrugged. “I guess the Equestrian language has changed somewhat over a thousand years of being a statue.”
Diamond Tiara giggled nervously. “Well, the chart’s probably simple enough once you change it to modern equestrian.”
“Oh, I’m not going to change it.” I explained. “And this isn’t the chart. This is just section A1 of the chart.”
And then I unfolded the chart on the easel.
Diamond Tiara’s eyes widened in fear. No, not fear. The dawning comprehension that they are inevitably, irrevocably, increasingly, really really really doomed. It’s an odd emotion that, and ponies cannot seem to express the emotion without gratuitous swearing. But Draconequi language has a name for that emotion.
Nnug.
Catchy, isn’t it?
“Nnug?” Diamond Tiara asked, whatever she wanted to say drowned out by fear and warped into a word that, coincidentally, sounded like the draconequi word for that moment of comprehension.
“As you can see, the two of you are already 20 bits in debt to me for standing her right now instead of bullying Scootaloo.” I noted, tapping the proper section of the giant chart. I smiled my best deranged smile as the pair of fillies gasped in horror.
They’d finally figured it out. I took what Diamond Tiara loved doing the most… and I gave her an impossible schedule for it.
After all, they say misery loves company.
Diamond Tiara shook her head clear. “No… no way. This is impossible!” She screamed.
“Yes, I suppose it is.” I shrugged nonchalantly, and folded the chart up again, handing it to her. “Good luck with that then.”
I prepared to leave, but Diamond Tiara grabbed me by the tail. “Wait!” She cried. “I can’t do this! You can’t make me do this! I’m backing out of the deal!”
“Backing out?” I asked. “Oh Diamond Tiara… what in Equestria gave you the idea that you could back out?”
I whipped my tail, and launched her into Silver Spoon, crashing the two of them into a tree. Then I began to laugh. It was a grand laugh – the best laugh. Back in my day, nobody who heard my laugh didn’t start running. I started low, slowly building up the pressure in all my three diaphragms, until it built up to such power that I couldn’t stop laughing if I tried! All that was missing was dark clouds and lightning!
“Oh, you foals!” I laughed. “You forgot to add an escape Clause! The most you could do is take your paid vacation, and that gives you about a week before I get to fire you! And believe me, you don’t want me to fire you!”
I pressed my face into Diamond Tiara’s. Her eyes were as wide as dinner plates as she stared into mine. “Because let’s get this straight… nopony cares about you two. You’re bullies. You frighten other ponies into thinking you have power, without actually having any power. I have true power, and my sole outlet is currently you two. Shining Armor won’t stop me. Scootaloo won’t stop me. If you tell Ms. Cheerilee, or your parents, I’ll just turn them into root vegetables or something, and I can do that because it would punish you for hurting Scootaloo. You’re all alone. And there are two ways this can go: either Scootaloo’s life is about to get infinitely worse… or yours are. It’s your decision.”
Silver Spoon burst into tears. “I never wanted to bully Scootaloo!” She cried. “It was all Diamond Tiara’s idea! She made me! I was never even her friend!”
“What!?” Diamond Tiara screeched, rounding on Silver Spoon.
“And now it looks like you two have some issues to sort out.” I said, still smiling like a mad stallion. “And so my little ponies… and you two are my little ponies now… toodles.” And with that, I let my laughter build up again, and I kicked them out of the bushes, onto a slippery path made out of toothpaste.
I let my laughter die down to a chuckle as I strolled casually out of the bushes, watching the pair of them slip and slide and bumble over each other, trying to put as much distance as they could between them and Discord even as they argued with each other about Silver Spoon’s last remark there. I may have just ruined their friendship in the bargain. All in all, a job well done.
Discord strolled up to Shining Armor and Scootaloo where they were sitting, Scootaloo licking an ice cream cone. She looked at the fillies running into the distance. “They aren’t transformed into anything.” She said.
“I concur.” I concurred.
“What did you do?” Shining Armor asked.
“I just talked to them.” Discord said with a shrug. “Gave them a stern lecture on bullying. What, did you expect me to, I dunno, turn them to stone?” I snapped my fingers, and big neon signs popped up behind me, saying: ‘Responsible Adult!’. He snorted, in what could have been amusement, but given that he’s Shining Armor, I doubt it.
“Hey…” Scootaloo blushed and pawed at the ground as she walked up to me. “Um… can I go and crusade with my friends?” She asked.
All the more reason to get rid of an annoyance. “Sure thing.” Discord said.
“Um… alone?” She asked again. It occurred to Discord that she probably thought this request would devastate him.
Glancing at Shining Armor, he put on his best pout. “Well… alright.” Discord conceded. “But only if your friends come to my welcoming party tonight.”
“What!?” Applebloom yelped. Sweetie elbowed her, and the earth pony relented. “Yeah. Sure.”
Scootaloo beamed, more from Applebloom’s reaction than from Discord’s, and began to skip around like a giddy schoolfilly. “Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
Discord tried to shush her, but she let out a happy scream. As if they had always been there, the angry mob appeared on the horizon.
“There he is!” The old green nag yelled. “The varmint’s eatin’ our foal’s brains!”
The nerve!
I mean, granted, I’ve occasionally found a nice bit of foal brain to be quite enjoyable, but nothing compared to foal eyeballs in spinach-juice, and I’d have to be really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really hungry to eat Scootaloo’s brain.
Who knows where that thing has been?
“For the children!” The old mare cried, and the stallion bucked the wagon she was sitting on hard. The crazy bat flew right at me, swinging a pair of frying pan nunchucks that would have been really cool if they weren’t about to re-introduce his face to the concept of pain.
Thankfully, they weren’t about to do that.
I grabbed the nearest foal I could find by the tail. Swinging as hard as I could, I redirected the old mare to the moon! She soared over the heads of the mob as they began to panic and scatter!
Well, yes I know physics don’t work that way.
It’s called artistic license.
The story is much more interesting this way.
Fine! She undershot and landed on her face in the dirt a good foot in front of me.
Fillystine.
Anyway, the mob was about to charge again, when Cheerilee trotted between us and put her hoof down. “Stop this disgraceful behavior immediately!” She said, using the tone shared only by schoolteachers, parents, addiction recovery therapists, and armed grandparents.
The mob ground to a halt immediately.
“Did ah hit ‘im?” The green mare’s muffled voice rose from the earth.
“Now, Discord is a member of the community.” Cheerilee began lecturing the mob. “And I know he’s done some bad things in the past, but so did you! Caramel, remember when you had a crush on Bon-bon and kept pulling on her mane until she had to cut it? Thunderlane, remember how you copied your homework off of Applejack for years? Pokey Pierce… you graduated before I became assistant teacher, but I’m sure you’ve done things you weren’t proud of too.” The aforementioned unicorn burst into tears. I busied myself with taking notes.
“Now granted, none of you have ever turned Equestria into a strangescape from Luna’s darkest nightmares…” She continued, oblivious to the fact that ‘Strangescape’ had become my new favorite word. “But right here, right now, he’s just spending time with his daughter. And you’re about to begin a brawl in the streets, right in front of the children! Your children! To what? Hurt him? Look at him!”
The crowd looked at me as one. I picked up Scootaloo, kissed her on the cheek, and gave them a thumbs up and the toothiest smile I could give. The mob bashfully looked back at Cheerilee, who hadn’t stopped… squinting at them? I guess she was trying to glare but… I don’t think she knew how.
“We’re sorry.” Pokey Pierce sniffled. He seemed to be the defacto leader of the mob in the nag's absence, because they all quietly mumbled their apologies and dispersed.
The big red pony pulling the cart was the only one who didn’t avert his eyes. He gave Cheerilee a friendly nod and plucked the ringleader out of the ground. “Did ah hit ‘im?” The green nag asked.
“Nnnnope.” The red stallion said, as they departed.
“That was nicely handled Ms. Cheerilee.” Shining Armor said, casually complimenting the mare-who-was-not-his-lovey-dovey-wife.
“Thank you Shining Armor.” Cheerilee said, taking this verbal cheating in stride.
“That was so cool Ms. Cheerilee!” Scootaloo cheered. I had hoped she wasn’t getting involved in this triangle of compliments, but you have to let your kid live and learn from their mistakes. “You’re coming to the party tonight right?”
Cheerilee glanced hesitatingly at Discord, before smiling at the foal. “Of course I will Scootaloo. I wouldn’t miss it.”
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This is off of hiatus?
Strangescape. I have a new word I like a lot. Also, those two brats(or rather brat and accomplice), got what they deserve.
first! great chapter as always, and it's nice to see ya back after all this time. hope your charity work made a dent in whatever it was for!
You don't know how much joy I received when I saw this had a new chapter. It is hilarious and fantastic. Mustaches!! Mustaches for all.
I'm sure if Discord is redeemed, he would still pull some pranks
I have a terrible curiosity about how Granny Smith was planning on using the whisk.
That makes a surprising amount of sense.
Lyra as a special forces royal guard is one of my favorite bits of fanon for her.
I honestly have to say that while I love (almost) all Discord Fics, THIS is the Funniest so far. Others usually make him out to be a prankster that makes little sense, but you made him do the whole legal thing, so there's nothing they can do about it. Best Discord EVER!!!!!
"Nnug" is now my favorite word. Strangescape is up there too.
And now, grammar:
I think you mean "it"
Wrong kind of "horde"
Should be "regards"
Wrong "buy"
You may also want to brush up on general dialogue rules
NEW CHAPTER!! SQUEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!
God, I love this story.
"Thunderlane, remember how you copied your homework off of Applejack for years? Pokey Pierce… you graduated before I became assistant teacher, but I’m sure you’ve done things you weren’t proud of too.” The aforementioned unicorn burst into tears. I busied myself with taking notes."
Busy taking notes, funniest line so far. MOAR
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Wow. Not expecting comments like those. I figured it would be more; "What? I thought he was just gonna transform them into something! This is cruel! They're just foals, they don't deserve this!!" not; "Those brats got what they deserve. Discord was so awesome for doing the legal thing!"
Interesting.
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I'm glad you all love it. There will be more, and soon. Well, relatively soon, got lots of stuff on my plate, but no more six month waits.
How does your brain think up this stuff?
It's here.
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It's finally here.
Tiara and Silver were so out of their league it's not even funny. But i'll laugh about what happen to them anyway. Wonder what Discord's welcome party will be like. What do the rest of the mane six Dash in particular think about the whole situation.
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That's what I want to know!
Discord: You're house poop too.
*freezes in realization*
....
.....AAAAAH! AAH! AAAH! AHH! AAAHHHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AH! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I can imagine a toneless "Yay" almost sarcastic, fucking funny shit
also, I really love this version of "what the hell is Lyra doing in ponyville?" good job on that
It seems you saw The Dark Knight. Shame about Heath Ledger. But I love how Discord channeled the guy's version of Joker.
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I love how what Discord did to Tiara made sense without making sense at the same time! I love. It how you remember that while Discord is practically omnipotent he is also a master at screwing with other ponies's minds, and not even nesecarily Discording, but general,y screwing with their heads. This is why Discord is best pony. Sorry, Best Draconequus, even though it's by virtue of being the only canon one, never mind, my point is this is why Discord is my favorite character in the whole damn show.
OMG
burning shining armor with chrysalis, terrifying, diamond and silver, and getting to see cheerlee be awesome 
THIS STORY IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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About the potty training. . . I'm not sure whether to feel bad for Shiny or for Discord.
~Melly~
6279248 answer yes!
Business contracts, one of the most evil things imaginable. Also why did my house suddenly eject me from my chair?