This is a story written for a friend. He gave me a first version of the story, and let it up to me to work out. This story features Star Chaser, Maci, and Tim as they head to a pizza shop to meet the Jungle Mare and The Doctor.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 14th Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Mar 28th, 2016
R Hooftscastle
I am who I am, perhaps my stories will be good.. but maybe not.
R Hooftscastle
Joined 14th Apr, 2012 ·
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Things that may have itched a bit:
It is common practice here to use double spacing.
Present tense narrative is hard to get right, especially when you have little background; really, really consider continuing in that tense. I don't know how or why, but the phrasal verbs in the beginning made me read the first paragraph twice or trice, it may be related to the aforementioned.
It would be a good idea to start with something else than the description of the day (i.e., 'On a fairly typical Saturday morning'), I'd rather try to have the spotlight on a single character for quite the time if I were writing in present tense; I really like the kind of actions which albeit small tell a lot about the character's character :p.
Their special condition (?) reads like a sandwich. Yes, it has little impact (narrative and plot wise) in any other place except where it is mentioned. That's yet to be fully determined, but conditions like that tend to have a gravity effect both in narrative and real life examples.
As a rule of thumb explaining your characters and circumstances on author notes is not a good sign, consider exposing them by having them act (unneeded: actually, I did understood the idea without reading them). I think you should work on the dialogue between Star and Jungle, its kind of childish (?), I'm not sure myself.
Oh, and do cleanup the description. That explanation goes in the author notes or a blog post. You should also link to related stories which are necessary to understand what's going on. (I see you have another story with those characters)
Do not feel despair because I may be wrong. Most importantly, the entire sum of comments is anything but a grain of salt. So there, have fun, that's what matters.