• Member Since 11th Sep, 2013
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SunnyDontLook


I write horse words. Sometimes people pay me to.

Comments ( 75 )

Main problem, halfway through the chapter, the format centres for no reason and I couldn't stop focusing on that. The story is decent, but that formatting issue needs to be fixed ASAP.

Thank you, for pointing that out. Also, thank you for commenting in general. I really wouldn't have held it against you if you had said 'First'.

6990953
I believe that I fixed it. If I didn't feel free to quote the specific part of the chapter.
Also, what are some positive parts of this story? Negative? (Other than the formatting issue.)

6990970 Unfortunately it seems the problem isn't fixed and it shows up immediately in chapter 2. It starts in chapter one in the section right after Icepick (btw great name for a Ranger in the DESERT) is speaking to the elder and continues throughout the chapter. Other than that I am slightly confused on the situation. We got Steel Rangers in Saddle Arabia... And when this takes place or why they are here? I didn't even realize they were Rangers until mentions of the codex and I the ranking system were mentioned more. It also seems kinda bizzare/neat how these Rangers have a combination of traditional and Steelhooves thinking even prior to the schism. And was Saddle Arabia struck by the megaspells? If not, what happened to their central government? And are the Rangers after oil or is that not a thing? All in all, quite a few plotholes and General confusion throughout. Solid idea, slightly messy practice.

6991033 Thank you. This is quite enlightening.

Honestly, the why of it and the circumstances will be expanded upon in later chapters. Suffice it to say that once Imperial Equestria made the acquisition of resources a top priority they quickly annexed the militarily backwards Saddle Arabian state. And once the bombs fell the army and the MWT involved with the industrialization drive unified in a manner very similar to the Equestrian rangers. With a few key differences. Only a handful of bombs were sent at Sall'han as a whole, so other than contending with the oppression of the population and the brief nuclear winter that was caused by the exchange they had free reign to create what they wanted. Namely, an industrialized land. It was a part of their original purpose there. Or one of their overt reasons.

Also, remember that an Icepick is something more like this in version of language but contemporary american. cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0370/9921/products/Anvil-Ice-Pick_grande.jpg?v=1441102615

A sharp tool, utilitarian, deadly in a pinch, but capable of so much more.

6991033 Actually, fixed it now. It seems to be an issue with the Gdoc uploader. Of course.

So i'm guessing every few chapters you'll switch POW between your characters?

7017437
Yep, every chapter will have a different POV. Though at this point all three of the POV characters have been introduced.

In any case, have you enjoyed, do you have any feedback?

This is the first FoE story I've read that features a rotating PoV, and so far I think it's been done well. All three characters read differently and have their own voice, which is good. However, I'm a bit worried about how this will affect the length of the story, but I don't know what you have planned.

The characters themselves are likable, especially Rosetta, who is my favorite so far. He's the most sympathetic of the three and had the most developed background, and I thought Icepick was the most admirable, with her confidence and willingness to screw the rangers' rules. This is also the first FoE fic I've read that has a desert setting aside from TTWHD, and it's nice that you went with Sall'han rather than a new vegas knockoff. It's far away from Equestria, which has its benefits and its drawbacks as a setting, since it's so removed from the main fic, but it also means that this story has its own world to develop. So, yeah, it's a unique setting and I hope I get to see more of it.

I don't have much criticism as of right now. The formatting had some issues, but I see that's already been brought up. The only other thing I can think of is the conflict in Perm's chapter. I don't think it's properly explained who the Empire and the Celestians are, or where this conflict is taking place, and it left me confused. This could also just be the result of me somehow missing that exposition while reading, and if that's the case, I apologize.

Anyway, nice opening chapters. Will the PoV rotate in order (Icepick, Rosetta, then Perm) or will it be random?

7047903
Thank you so much for the review. Um, as for the POV it will shift periodically, some characters need more chapters (or chapter length), so they will get more chapters. As for the next chapter, Icepick will have the next one. As to the length, I'll try to keep it from becoming one of those 400K+ stories. I have learned a lot of finesse in regards to what needs to be included. In any case the next chapter should be out relatively soon.
Thanks a bunch stealth.

I haven't read the story yet -- I tend to only invest in ones that are completed as I'm usually burned by unfinished endings -- but I definitely will add it to my list. Beyond that, did you do the cover art? It's really good!

7199714
Well, thank you for the addition to your list. On another note, the cover art was done by the ever grand Rangelost. He's cheap and well, if you give him a good idea of what you want, he can turn it out pretty well.

Also, to you or anyone else, the next two chapters should be published within about two weeks or so. Both are nearly done, and just awaitking that spitshining that editing can do...

7200299
Sounds like I'll look into his art! But if that's the case, it's gonna be best if you can give the artist credit for the design somewhere in your description, as not doing so can lead to some confusion. Plus, the artist technically also helped you with your story, as many people judge by the cover, so it's the morally right thing to do to give them credit for their contribution.

Thank you so much, and I wish you only the best!

My goodness. There's so much clop for this story, but little context. Am I missing something? Is the main story on a googlobal doc or 4chan?

A+ Comment trimming at the bottom

7892499
Grade A name spelling in the description.
I'll fix it later.

If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?

8115814 Thank you, that's a good question.

Icepick would sound feminine, but with a definite roughness in her voice. (Kinda like her: Not singing though, I couldn't write a song to save my life at this moment.

)
Rosetta I imagine would have a higher pitched male voice, though he almost never raise his voice in anger, only when he get's excited.

Permittivity, he'd have a brassier male voice, a tenor, and he would have a very definite way of enunciating words, like he was pressing down on all the syllables. Think: Eggs Benedict Cucumberpatch
Hope that helps, if anyone else has any questions, feel free to ask.

This Fo:E book has been advertised on my Fo:E group on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/

Feel free to join us on there. We encourage self-promotion, bragging and gushing about your own or other people's fics. Great place to hang out and make friends. :)

Well, I like it!:pinkiehappy: But this story, you know, a little too strange. Its not looks as FoE, even if its assembled from same parts, that makes usual FoE story. You should add a little more adventure here. Or maybe not.:twilightsmile:

Who made the picture, and where can I find him?

Mmm nice chapter I must say:twilightsmile:

8560691
Thank you! The next chapter is already halfway complete, so that should be out pretty fast for you folks, no four month wait I swear.

Just before I got left, he told me to be back here by eight.

Remove 'got,' after 'I'.
---
This was an interesting start for what I call Focus #1, I especially loved the world and functionality, and the characters seem interesting too. The wording seems a tad different to most stories I've read (probably bigger use of words I'm not familiar with) but I'm adapting.

I do have an issue though, Churned Waters seems to lack description as far as I detected, in that his coat and mane colours (his mane was described to be patchy with burned areas). I can understand the rest though since they're all wearing power armour most of the time, and Reflex was described well.

8864191
Thanks Corshy, I'm glad to hear that you like the characters.

The grammar thing is a little dialect thing. Some people in the west used to say that a lot. I got left by eight yesterday.
And yeah, I agree Churned lacks some description in his appearance. I will probably re-write it eventually.

I hope you like chapter two!

Focus 2 starring Rosetta seems to be well written so far. An awkward shut-in can be fun to follow.

I think the only issue is that Dally doesn't seem to have any description on her appearance (unless I missed it) but I got the appearance of Page Turner. (I kinda presume no mention of a horn means Earth pony).

Bravo bravo! I think this chapter became my hook for this story. This character arc and development among the character dynamics was so fun, especially with the twist which I consider the cherry on top for this story.

A few errors I kinda found though.

After his older sister died from a Stomach illness he took the crystal throne.

Things that the Sunny south had had for a century or more.

The trenches were quiet at 0300. The Barrages, for all of their intensity, had stopped the week past.

Remove the capitals in 'Stomach', 'Sunny', and 'Barrages'.

UPDATE:

Whoops I missed one.

The two of us had maintained a sheet of silence between the two of us as we made our way there.

After 'silence,' remove 'between the two of us'. cause you already said it the first time in the sentence (it's what I call rogue repetition).

I think my only other issue is that Head Wind lacks description on mane and coat colour (unless I missed something).

Ooh, this one goes a little action packed and heavy. Tis a nice piece of the story I have to say.

Just have some potential errors I found.

The buck swung his head in my direction, a dagger between his teeth for the record it looked pretty sharp).

Before 'for' Insert a starting bracket ' ( '.

“Like it?” He looked at me curiously. I normally wouldn’t care, but this buck seemed to have but a lot of effort into this.

After 'have', replace 'but' with 'put'.

I fired a long burst from my machine gun. The twenty bullets at point blank range tore threw him,

Could be diallect but just in case.
Replace 'threw' with 'through'.

8874660
Yeah, Icepick does get a lot of excitement... those grammar things are right. It is supposed to be 'through'.

“You require my help? That is surprising. I’ll need to think over this matter. Prima facie. the notion is certainly exciting,” Lotus told me over a cup of black.

Input 'tea' after 'black'. (though the original could be just an expression)

I stepped off into a part of the city that was past its prime, if it had ever had one.

After 'it' remove 'had'. (I suspect it's rogue repetition but It could be simply dialect or I suck at English).
---
This one seems quite interesting. I especially love the contrast between Trace, often conveying the past and ignoring change, and Head Wind, who's quite socially practical in looking at the here and now, if a bit pessimistic.

8882057
Thank you! The tea thing is intentional, the other thing less so.
But yeah, now you're seeing the connections between the characters!

Holy shit.... this just got a fuck-ton more ambitious.
You know me well and how much I love decent quantities of ambition my friend.
Let this story lift off the ground!

The premise reminds me of a song I listened to not long ago actually.

I especially love the set up to all this, how it was all developed that every focus is on the same setting, yet leaving little clues and differences here and there that get's you wondering, only to have the rug pulled from beneath you showing how everything connects, how everything makes sense now, how that story description finally fits to this narrative completely. So nice!

And the backdrop of this character before embarking on a new adventure, amazing. We are attached to his past now and how it will become relevant in the future would be far more impactful.

8882332
I'm so glad that you're liking it. It took a lot to get there, and well, I hope the momentum keeps up.

And yeah, his past will continue to be important, I didn't just abandon that other world.

The stallion who had taken the shot in the chest wasn’t going to make it. The shot had cracked her sternum, and with that broken any potion was probably going to regrow it wrong, and that would kill her.

He's referred to as a she in the second sentence.

“If you know where this place is then, yes. I could could give you its position in relation to this mine. Though I wonder how you hope to use it in your current position.”

I think 'mine' is supposed to be 'one'.

Permittivity’s face softened for a second like he wanted to ask a personally question before he returned to his energetic smugness.

Replace 'personally' with 'personal'.
---
So things are finally being tied together. Tis quite nice. I do like the Steal Ranger dynamic, how for some, their armours and field experience made them sluggish and lack courage.

8884144
Yep! Things are coming together. I hope you're liking Icepick and Permittivity interacting

”I’ll give this to you for the low, low price of nothing. If you’ll sell me those books for forty bits,” the stallion said slyly.

Replace ‘you’ll sell me’, with ‘I sell you’ since he’s the one selling the books to her not the other way around.

-

I quite like Rosetta here, not only because he’s well written, but because even I feel like I have to make decisions based on the chains or shadows of my family tree (I still love them though).

8888427
Yes, the weight of family. It's one of the themes of this story. It's weight or lack thereof affects all of them. Rosetta still has an extant parent... and you'll see more of her.

“So drew you to the big desert?” she asked with her rear pointed at me. I needed to sell my cover story to this mare.

Input “what” after “So”.

“So, you’re both probably happy to be in a place with food and water, but I have to answer some questions. Are either of you hurt?”

Replace “answer” with “ask”, since Rosetta is asking questions not answering them.

“Why were so far into the desert even before you heard the transmissions? Radio transmissions are limited by the curvature of Equis.”

Input ‘you’ after ‘were’.

“She doesn’t quite know what a marriage is, or what married couples are wont to do!” I barked out, as Rosetta gave her a questioning look.

Replace ‘wont’ with ‘supposed’.

“Why do you have to correct me on everything?” she askedas she sat on the bed across from mine.

Input a space into ‘askedas’ to form ‘asked as’.

Divided they fall, but united they stand.

“Then put me fucking under, I’ve needed to get this off my chest for way too long. And, we might be piece together… Perm,”

Remove ‘be’.

“He waved his tail a little as he filled two bowls, and I could just just make out him humming something.”

Remove one ‘just’.

“I had gotten better at understanding their accents, but it all of it was overwhelming.”

After ‘but’ remove ‘it’.

These weapons sounded like megaspells, they way these ponies were talking about them.

Replace ‘they’ with ‘the’

My shook my entire body as I watched Rose open his eyes in front of me.

Replace the first ‘My’ with ‘I’ (could be local dialect).

“How much would the total be for a burial there? Estimate if you need to.”
“It’s a many years, but it should come out to about three thousand marks, give or take,” The director said to Principal and I.

I honestly have no idea what 'It's a many years' means in this context.

Also, apparently, all mentions of Sombra are said as Somber in this chapter. Might want to do a CMD + F and track them all down.
---
This chapter establishes what the true setting is quite clearly, and I enjoy the moving analysis Permitivitty says. Ah the satisfaction of a full understanding through revelation and reaction.

8898021
Thank you! It's really heartening to hear you say that you're moved by a work. I hope it really did set the stage for what's coming.

Oh man, what a wham chapter, dynamic gotten into an all time high, then became overtaken by despair. And to top it all off, a twist I'd think a writer would never try to do and a birth of a new character at the very end. I'd say this the theme of this chapter's climax.

Oh man, such a thrilling ride. I love thrilling rides. Keep it up!

As always, I note potential mistakes below.
---

“…You can always do more for other other ponies and yourself.”

Remove one ‘other’.

Upon completing that, I walked the outskirts of the town and thought about what it all meant, how strange it was… that I was the first of my people to discover experience it.

Remove ‘discover’.

This random stallion who ran a little shop in the middle of bumfuck nowhere was giving staring through me.

Replace ‘staring’ with ‘a stare’.

“I’m in no shape to help another pony. Not that I lack empathy for one such as yourself, healers do they best they can.

After ‘do’, remove ‘they’.

They better have some better have some kind of Army, or we’ll have to come up here and protect them…

Remove one ‘better have some’.

This place had everything the we needed. We don’t know how to deal with equals-

After ‘everything’, replace ‘the’ with ‘that’.

We were maybe block away from the sheriff's office now.

Input ‘a’ after ‘maybe’.

From the corner of an adjacent building, I spotted a barricade made out of food wagons pushed together and on their side s.

Replace ‘side s’ with ‘sides’.

Her just flipped her ears down and shook her head.

Replace ‘Her’ with ‘She’.

Everyone else, Arab or Equestrian, had a bleary expression on their face, or a was covering their eyes or ears.

After ‘or’ remove ‘a’.

8898457
That’s super good to hear. And you’re nearly caught up! Thank you for the glowing praise!

Alas, I have caught up in this ride, and it was a fun one at that.

Yay! PermPick payoff FTW!

This story really sells itself well once you get to know it. At first the tri-focus and the odd formatting can be off putting but give it some more time and you really get to see what a thrilling and somewhat abstract narrative it all is after it's put together. This story is very much a 'develop questions and expect answers,' piece which is fun to follow through. The characters of significance seem to be well written too with differing similarities and contrasts.

Permitivitty the sophisticated but broken solder with a neurotic fixation of the future so strong that it blinds him from the moment, but journeys to appreciate it as the story moves forward.
Icepick, a hardass observant solder, deeply loyal to the cause but not necessarily to command. However quite rash, aggressive and really doesn't think social activity with much meaning until further along the story.
Then we have our Doctor Rosetta, the control group of the three. The character that grounds the crazy reality, with his own arc of trying to break out of his shell of comfort and parental shadow. While strong in mental understanding, he's low in the perks of combat and tactics.

These characters seem to flow into each other. The brawn stabilises the brains, the brains provides meaning to the brawn, the control group grounds the reality to both of them. It's just such nice character dynamic just seeing all three of them interact.

The main theme seems to revolve around means to an end for a lot of the characters. Tegnai's lust for genocide to secure his people, Icepick and Permittivity's different yet ultimately similar desire for their own domination to help their own peoples. But other themes slip in, like parental oversight and breaking out of shells, PTSD and the cons of looking too far forward, a life without meaning other then in your primary job. This story provides a lot of juice for me to drink up.

I think the only issues that holds this story back is that significant characters tend to lack a visual description so we're kinda left to fill in the blanks though at least they all have characterisation so that's always good. The formatting tends to get wacky with honestly no pattern of reasoning behind it as far as I can tell. Sometimes some text are in bold italics and I don't know why. Sometimes the paragraphing get's more merged and I don't know why. Only other issue is that I did note at least one inconsistency about Ironsight's rank. All of this is pretty minor and while it did affect the accessibility of the story a tad bit, it didn't take away any meaning or effects out of it.

Get's a 8.8/10 for me. A well meaningful and moving story.
--

I was awoken with a crash, I there were many Arabs around me.

After ‘crash,’ remove ‘I’.

“I’ll lead the counter attack. Crescent Moon is in charge of the garrison duty.Somepony put this stallion under guard in one of these buildings- Don’t let him expire.”

Input a space between ‘duty.’ and ‘Somepony’.

The walk was painful, whatever else had happened, I wasn’t going to in top shape without weeks of rest.

Input ‘be’ after ‘going to’.

The conversation continued and I tried to think if I could possible subdue the guards in the room or make a run for it.

Replace possibly with ‘possibly’.

“…I need you to tell your soldiers to go to stay away from the south, and to tell Rosetta–the Doctor–to get all the remaining ponies and run to the south.”

Remove ‘go to’.

8900664
I told you that you’d like it! But yeah, that’s an awesome review that you posted and I’ll uh work a little faster to get the next chapter out.

Sandstorm and Darude, they’ll go with me

Bad joke is bad and you should feel bad for gaining my upvote by using this joke!

War, war never changes. They say. I say: It’s whatever.

Every moment now do I expect an "I never asked for this/I am too old for this shit" said in the most gruffy voice ever... You had my attention, now you have my interest.

Darude, don’t let Sand lie to them. We both know you’re the sheath and he’s the sword. I can kinda hear it some - all - nights.” I relied after swallowing more than the recommended amount of water.

“Knowing you, not knowing you knowing you, you probably rub one out when you hear us.” His voice cracked as he said this. He really wasn’t wrong. If it wasn’t windy in the desert, the sound carried pretty well.

... Damn it and there goes my fav, I always fav a story if it can make me smirk, and mission is accomplished!

All in all a damn good chapter, no matter what the reason was for taking it down originally am I glad that it is up now so i can enjoy it

Nitpick:
"Her mother and brother gave her a certain weight that I wouldn’t of had even if I didn’t ‘misuse the discretion afforded to me’." Maybe just me, but I think you are missing a word here

Ohhh multiple POW story! Me likey! Its always nice seeing the world from multiple sides, especially since you already have hinted that a lot of stuff isn't as simple as they seem in the first chapter alone!

I wasn’t a cut-throat, I just had a hard time with ponies.

If this isn't a bit of foreshadowing for him getting in a relationship with another race will I be surely disapointed! My bet would be a miniotaur lady!

Soon enough, you’ll be one of few people here close to qualified to remove an appendix.

Fun fact, horses acutually need their appendixes for something, its only us silly humans that have it laying around doing nothing beside exploding for no reason what so ever... And no I did not at all google if a horse needs their appendix or not, not at all

So since you ask for feedback will I say this, even if I know that it annoying, you are spot on, and I can't really think of anyway else that you could improve on this. Your descriptions of the characters hit on the right spots, you are showing instead of telling, with your two different POW have you actually written the story a bit differently between chapters, so kudos to you. The humor is there, not too much, but still there to make my lips peek up in smirks, and the way that you write makes me want to hit the next chapter as soon as possiple, instead of letting me take the one day breaks that I normally take between chapters so i don't grow tired of a story, but I can't see myself grow tired of this.
Also really good way of showing personality with the once over in the mirror at the end, told us a lot about Rosetta now that we could get him in private company.

Nitpicks:
"Rosetta was going to be taught medicine." Don't know if you meant to go 3rd person here
"I ambled in like I had for the last month" Feels like someone stole a word here
",well" need the space on the other side of the comma
"They had moments where they forgot that they were alone," wasn't

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