- Member Since 12th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Sunday
SunnyDontLook
I write horse words. Sometimes people pay me to.
SunnyDontLook
Joined 12th Sep, 2013 ·
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Main problem, halfway through the chapter, the format centres for no reason and I couldn't stop focusing on that. The story is decent, but that formatting issue needs to be fixed ASAP.
Thank you, for pointing that out. Also, thank you for commenting in general. I really wouldn't have held it against you if you had said 'First'.
6990953
I believe that I fixed it. If I didn't feel free to quote the specific part of the chapter.
Also, what are some positive parts of this story? Negative? (Other than the formatting issue.)
6990970 Unfortunately it seems the problem isn't fixed and it shows up immediately in chapter 2. It starts in chapter one in the section right after Icepick (btw great name for a Ranger in the DESERT) is speaking to the elder and continues throughout the chapter. Other than that I am slightly confused on the situation. We got Steel Rangers in Saddle Arabia... And when this takes place or why they are here? I didn't even realize they were Rangers until mentions of the codex and I the ranking system were mentioned more. It also seems kinda bizzare/neat how these Rangers have a combination of traditional and Steelhooves thinking even prior to the schism. And was Saddle Arabia struck by the megaspells? If not, what happened to their central government? And are the Rangers after oil or is that not a thing? All in all, quite a few plotholes and General confusion throughout. Solid idea, slightly messy practice.
6991033 Thank you. This is quite enlightening.
Honestly, the why of it and the circumstances will be expanded upon in later chapters. Suffice it to say that once Imperial Equestria made the acquisition of resources a top priority they quickly annexed the militarily backwards Saddle Arabian state. And once the bombs fell the army and the MWT involved with the industrialization drive unified in a manner very similar to the Equestrian rangers. With a few key differences. Only a handful of bombs were sent at Sall'han as a whole, so other than contending with the oppression of the population and the brief nuclear winter that was caused by the exchange they had free reign to create what they wanted. Namely, an industrialized land. It was a part of their original purpose there. Or one of their overt reasons.
Also, remember that an Icepick is something more like this in version of language but contemporary american. cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0370/9921/products/Anvil-Ice-Pick_grande.jpg?v=1441102615
A sharp tool, utilitarian, deadly in a pinch, but capable of so much more.
6991033 Actually, fixed it now. It seems to be an issue with the Gdoc uploader. Of course.
So i'm guessing every few chapters you'll switch POW between your characters?
7017437
Yep, every chapter will have a different POV. Though at this point all three of the POV characters have been introduced.
In any case, have you enjoyed, do you have any feedback?
This is the first FoE story I've read that features a rotating PoV, and so far I think it's been done well. All three characters read differently and have their own voice, which is good. However, I'm a bit worried about how this will affect the length of the story, but I don't know what you have planned.
The characters themselves are likable, especially Rosetta, who is my favorite so far. He's the most sympathetic of the three and had the most developed background, and I thought Icepick was the most admirable, with her confidence and willingness to screw the rangers' rules. This is also the first FoE fic I've read that has a desert setting aside from TTWHD, and it's nice that you went with Sall'han rather than a new vegas knockoff. It's far away from Equestria, which has its benefits and its drawbacks as a setting, since it's so removed from the main fic, but it also means that this story has its own world to develop. So, yeah, it's a unique setting and I hope I get to see more of it.
I don't have much criticism as of right now. The formatting had some issues, but I see that's already been brought up. The only other thing I can think of is the conflict in Perm's chapter. I don't think it's properly explained who the Empire and the Celestians are, or where this conflict is taking place, and it left me confused. This could also just be the result of me somehow missing that exposition while reading, and if that's the case, I apologize.
Anyway, nice opening chapters. Will the PoV rotate in order (Icepick, Rosetta, then Perm) or will it be random?
7047903
Thank you so much for the review. Um, as for the POV it will shift periodically, some characters need more chapters (or chapter length), so they will get more chapters. As for the next chapter, Icepick will have the next one. As to the length, I'll try to keep it from becoming one of those 400K+ stories. I have learned a lot of finesse in regards to what needs to be included. In any case the next chapter should be out relatively soon.
Thanks a bunch stealth.
7199714
Well, thank you for the addition to your list. On another note, the cover art was done by the ever grand Rangelost. He's cheap and well, if you give him a good idea of what you want, he can turn it out pretty well.
Also, to you or anyone else, the next two chapters should be published within about two weeks or so. Both are nearly done, and just awaitking that spitshining that editing can do...
My goodness. There's so much clop for this story, but little context. Am I missing something? Is the main story on a googlobal doc or 4chan?
7359373
Context is for the weak.
A+ Comment trimming at the bottom
7892499
Grade A name spelling in the description.
I'll fix it later.
7892499
Fixed
If the main OCs in this story were voiced, what would they sound like?
8115814 Thank you, that's a good question.
Icepick would sound feminine, but with a definite roughness in her voice. (Kinda like her: Not singing though, I couldn't write a song to save my life at this moment.
)
Rosetta I imagine would have a higher pitched male voice, though he almost never raise his voice in anger, only when he get's excited.
Permittivity, he'd have a brassier male voice, a tenor, and he would have a very definite way of enunciating words, like he was pressing down on all the syllables. Think: Eggs Benedict Cucumberpatch
Hope that helps, if anyone else has any questions, feel free to ask.
This Fo:E book has been advertised on my Fo:E group on facebook. https://www.facebook.com/groups/foebooks/
Feel free to join us on there. We encourage self-promotion, bragging and gushing about your own or other people's fics. Great place to hang out and make friends. :)
Who made the picture, and where can I find him?
8298380
Um, look up rangelost on deviantart
8560691
Thank you! The next chapter is already halfway complete, so that should be out pretty fast for you folks, no four month wait I swear.
8864191
Thanks Corshy, I'm glad to hear that you like the characters.
The grammar thing is a little dialect thing. Some people in the west used to say that a lot. I got left by eight yesterday.
And yeah, I agree Churned lacks some description in his appearance. I will probably re-write it eventually.
I hope you like chapter two!
8874660
Yeah, Icepick does get a lot of excitement... those grammar things are right. It is supposed to be 'through'.
8882057
Thank you! The tea thing is intentional, the other thing less so.
But yeah, now you're seeing the connections between the characters!
8882332
I'm so glad that you're liking it. It took a lot to get there, and well, I hope the momentum keeps up.
And yeah, his past will continue to be important, I didn't just abandon that other world.
8884144
Yep! Things are coming together. I hope you're liking Icepick and Permittivity interacting
8888427
Yes, the weight of family. It's one of the themes of this story. It's weight or lack thereof affects all of them. Rosetta still has an extant parent... and you'll see more of her.
8888742
The Flirting begins
8898021
Thank you! It's really heartening to hear you say that you're moved by a work. I hope it really did set the stage for what's coming.
8898457
That’s super good to hear. And you’re nearly caught up! Thank you for the glowing praise!
8900664
I told you that you’d like it! But yeah, that’s an awesome review that you posted and I’ll uh work a little faster to get the next chapter out.
Bad joke is bad and you should feel bad for gaining my upvote by using this joke!
Every moment now do I expect an "I never asked for this/I am too old for this shit" said in the most gruffy voice ever... You had my attention, now you have my interest.
... Damn it and there goes my fav, I always fav a story if it can make me smirk, and mission is accomplished!
All in all a damn good chapter, no matter what the reason was for taking it down originally am I glad that it is up now so i can enjoy it
Nitpick:
"Her mother and brother gave her a certain weight that I wouldn’t of had even if I didn’t ‘misuse the discretion afforded to me’." Maybe just me, but I think you are missing a word here
Ohhh multiple POW story! Me likey! Its always nice seeing the world from multiple sides, especially since you already have hinted that a lot of stuff isn't as simple as they seem in the first chapter alone!
If this isn't a bit of foreshadowing for him getting in a relationship with another race will I be surely disapointed! My bet would be a miniotaur lady!
Fun fact, horses acutually need their appendixes for something, its only us silly humans that have it laying around doing nothing beside exploding for no reason what so ever... And no I did not at all google if a horse needs their appendix or not, not at all
So since you ask for feedback will I say this, even if I know that it annoying, you are spot on, and I can't really think of anyway else that you could improve on this. Your descriptions of the characters hit on the right spots, you are showing instead of telling, with your two different POW have you actually written the story a bit differently between chapters, so kudos to you. The humor is there, not too much, but still there to make my lips peek up in smirks, and the way that you write makes me want to hit the next chapter as soon as possiple, instead of letting me take the one day breaks that I normally take between chapters so i don't grow tired of a story, but I can't see myself grow tired of this.
Also really good way of showing personality with the once over in the mirror at the end, told us a lot about Rosetta now that we could get him in private company.
Nitpicks:
"Rosetta was going to be taught medicine." Don't know if you meant to go 3rd person here
"I ambled in like I had for the last month" Feels like someone stole a word here
",well" need the space on the other side of the comma
"They had moments where they forgot that they were alone," wasn't
So now comes the question... Is it notable that I am a pre-reader and have been doing this for half a dozen years by now?
Nitpicks:
Don't know why the first paragraph of the story is center aligned
"After his older sister died from a Stomach illness he took the crystal throne. " don't really know why you have this capatalized
"I said to my Bunkmate" You would not write girlfriend with a capital letter, so should not use it here
" My eyes closed.I lit my horn" someone in the trench stole your space!
"She turned away from me" Another paragraph there are center aligned for some reason
"bumping shoulders with what had become my institutional best friend. ‘" Don't know why you have that thing after the period.
". In the span of time it took me to walk to the nearest exit with my Earth Pony guardian," Races does not get capital letters
" No, the staff had greater issues on their minds. " You have a double linebreak after this sentence
" The reasons manifold, as always. " Double linebreak again
" it was also equally erotic." Third double linebreak in a row does not make a charm
8940585
I can tell, and I love your reviews at the bottom of every chapter! I hope you're enjoying the rather unique story so far!
8941119
Waiting for the characters to meat each other and join up with their different views, us changing between viewpoints and descriptions of the same thing, one great victory for one being a massacre for the other and not enough for the third. As said do you have me hooked, so expect a comment on every chapter from now on
I can see a spin off series in the making... Oil Can... Lubing up the wasteland, one mare at a time!
"Ohh my sir, what a big rocket launcher you have there!"
"Ohh this little thing? Standard issue, but with 100% explosive fluid gurantee or your money back"
Coming to a terminal near you to keep you warm this winter.
So weird catch 22, the more that I like a story, the less I write of comments since I just want to hurry onto the next one, but yet do I still want to give pointers to good stuff so things can improve, but the more improvements there come the less do I feel that i can comment on... I am caught in a weird loop as you can see.
Nitpicks:
" or maybe it the chaos that had been let loose in the restaurant had gotten to him" missing a was
"The infirmary wasn’t in the best shape" this whole segment should not be in bold and italic
"The time was convenient, " Giant giant area that are both bold and italic. I know that many people can read through that stuff, but I always find it extra distracting! Since this is a military inspired fic do I suggest 20 lashes with a feathered cacti!
" It said in plain equish that I had a technical certification" Equish would be a langurige, so should be with a capital letter
" I had smiled at every word of hers, " I think that "had been smiling" would flow better... but could also just be me being weird
", a dagger between his teeth for the record it looked pretty sharp)" Shoo shoo bracket, you are not at home here!
"but not everyone knew that assholes with knives were doing the kinds of things that assholes with knives are prone to doing" Remember your capital letters when you start a new sentence. Capital letters are good for your health!
" I had been pressing the hard edge of a forehoof against his one of his carotid arteries, for enough seconds" Delete, and with how flowing your words is, is that oddly blunt.
". A quad tube rocket system hung off of left side" the
"I exited through a door to the outside No-one else in the repair bay seemed to notice or care." I think there should be a comma before no-one, and that it dosn't need its capital letter
" He didn’t, couldn’t shake me." Feels as i a few words are missing here
"In the edges of my vision I spotted friendly EFS markers" You have called them IIF up until this point
". You could never blame him" Delete period
Awww! Had hoped for my sweet, shy, innocent fav boy Rosetta in this chapther, not gruff mac soldier boy! Bring me back my sweet sweet shipping material!
I am pretty sure that it is the colour of their eyes, but I could be wrong. I have seen writers doing both things, and it is not something that I remember noticing from the show as such
Now here is a weapon that I would love to see some more in the FoE wasteland! Beside mana potion to replenish that sweet sweet magical juice must this be the second most wanted thing for me to see in a story.
Something that hit me... Permittivity seems to be from the war, him living trough the end of it... But where are the atomic winter and general radioactive fallout? The city he is in seems to work normally even if the bombs have fallen, it have public transport and a sprawling city with a pup, so I can't really wrap my head around where we are on the timeline of apocalyptic stuff. Maybe all things will be explained by some point, but if not does it surely look like a giant plothole. It should be said that I get that neither of the charcters are in areas that gets totally bombed out, but I am pretty sure that the original vent with global ecological chaos... But it could also just be me that mixes stuff up.
And slowly are the gears turning into place and the real story can begin, now is the only question just how it all work and connects.
Nitpicks
In titles and such should words such as "and", "it" and "of" not be capatilized. Think about it, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
"There was no division between the rear seats." Double linebreak
"The ongoing conversation was baffling." You forgot a space before this sentence
"“If I had I would have said so, but your words are intriguing. I’m expected to meet friends in a short while, so if it suits you, what are the characteristics of these odd unicorns?” As far as I was concerned this was most likely farce, or a commercial ploy." Feels like something got cut out in editing, or I am simply slow and don't get the transition from one char speaking to the other.
"I swung open a set of reinforced wooden doors to find a pub that was lively" double linebreak before and after this paragraph
"I was going to live in the " You have a double linebreak here, breaking the sentence in half
"We lapsed into a wordless reverie, broken only by sips from our cups." Drinking beer out of cups? With the pinky pointing out to the side and all
"and would soon fall behind the carved stone of the Earth." Silly ponies, thinking that they are human and living on Earth
" The sounds of city life were obscured by the whirring of the electric engine." Electric engines are really quiet, and since we are in MLP, would it not be a magical engine?
"I knew that I would leaving at an early stop" be
"The butcher lived beside the lawyer and the lawyer beside the manufactory laborer. " Can't really see pre-postapocalypse ponies having butchers, those grass nommers dosn't know the joy of meat yet
"The journey to the the third floor was a rapid affair" delete
"“Magic.” I said firmly, with seriousness in my voice." These 3 lines are center aligned
" The ultimate action action she took was the placement of a band around her left foreleg" delete
"Some minutes later," Center aligned again.
"As I drug a lethargic forehoof across my closed eyelids," Since you have u in colour do you write British English, so it would be dragged. Drug is only used in certain American dialects
God I love finding sentences like this in the story, this is one of the reasons that I like this story so much.
Yes yes, that is very philosophical and all, but when you think about it does any piece of magic break the laws of physic, so zapping a bit of electrical energy into the air from a bit of chemical energy in the pony, or magical energy if we twist science that way, is really no biggy. We see ponies in the show transform matter (frog to orange), teleport,change temperature, and have 2 alicorns who are in control of the heavenly bodies... Yea a bit of extra electrical energy is nothing compared to the marvel of a healing potion.
As seen in the nitpicks is it very important for your pre-readers, and yourself for that matter, to go trough the uploaded version of the chapters since whatever writing program you use isn't too friendly with fimfiction and you have a lot of formatting issues. And to be honest is this my second attempt of a read trough, having to give up first time around from the many many linebreak mistakes when my computer ate the nitpicks that I had written down and there wasn't any motivation to shift trough the chapter to find them all again before now.
Nitpicks:
"Discovery, Discharges And Remains. (VI)" Needs to be center aligned and on the same line.
"I was feeling fresher by the moment." Linebreak problems before this sentence
"I was getting better" Linebreak
"We made our way out to the street" Linebreak
"I let my head drift, I could see him in my peripheral vision, he was still leading. That was for the best. ---===*===---" Linebreak, linebreak and center aligned.
" a short yellow mare said to us She must have been of age to serve" Random capital letter
"“I was sitting in my trench" Linebreak
"At that I dropped from the chair and placed a mote of light near my stab wound" Linebreak
"The streets outside were gravel speckled dirt, though wider than those of the older districts. I cleared my throat." Linebreak before and after
" Most were there to fish the sea for cod" Why would vegetarian ponies fish?
"The three were quiet for a moment before one of the stallions moved to embrace me" Linebreak
"My face soured as I tried something." Linebreak
"“You look thoughtful," linebreak
"---===*===--- “Perm, you’re coming home with me. " So seems like none of your segment seperators are lined up properly, and this one have a case of double linebreak as well.
"“Not the best neighborhood" linebreak
"My face warped at that thought." Linebreak
"I grunted. "Linebreak
"he in turned his eyes forward" delete
"Live for the moment," Linebreak
"At this moment ," move the space to the other side of the comma
“Head Wind, Drying Wool," linebreak
"I had cleared the air, " Linebreak
"I was weary," linebreak
"Time passed, as it always seems to."Linebreak
"And that is at a cost." Linebreak
"“Two months,”" Linebreak trouble for every sentence in what there becomes a paragraph
"“Yes he knows me" Linebreak for this and the next line
"He comforted me." Linebreak
" you’re making me a hate a pony that didn’t do anything wrong all because I can’t stand hating you! " delete
"I had caused that" Linebreak
"I walked into the kitchen of my flat. " Linebreak
"Ponies fill in the gaps with thing" Linebreak
"It all followed as a matter of course." Double linebreaks for the next 5 sentences.
"Everything was in place," Double linebreak
"In the time that I had awoken my breathing had become steadier. " Linebreak
"Doctor Fetters had gotten the two of us to the Guard ponies with haste. " Linebreak
"this whole roomed was ebbing with an energy that I didn’t need the slightest focus to sense. " Room
"I know what you did just hours ago." Its hard to see that this is speech, a lot of other writers have used italic for situations like this.
"I don’t reveal myself for just anypony. Now bow. His voice once again found purchase from within my mind, it was compelling in a way that nopony had ever been." Case in point. Without italic does the reader have to read twice to really get the meaning of the shift.
"With a flash," linebreak
"Hello, brave new world. " Linebreak
8999406
Well, Regolit, the next chapter is gonna be out soon! And the one after that is already being worked on.
Warhammer 40K: "Hold my beer."
9476806
Fair enough, but they have millions of worlds worth or resources and people to throw into the meat grinder. The Imperium is the exception to the rule...
9478163
I know, I was just having a spot of fun with the wording. Besides, ORKZ IZ DA BEST! WAAAGH!
9479178
I believe you. Well, hope you enjoyed this chapter!
someone may have mentioned this but i'm pretty sure you meant replied. this is at least the second time you did this in the first chapter. i ignored the first time because people make mistakes but when you do it multiple times in just a few paragraphs generally that means you don't know you are doing it wrong and think you are doing it right. it's like that time some guy misspelled the same word three times in three different ways in the same thread. it was dinosaur as i recall.
8940467
probably already been answered but "wouldn't of had" is a normal if formal/informal (i can never remember) way of speaking
9522533
No, uh, it's literally just a mistake I made a couple of times. I didn't have a good editor, or editing software at this point. And I really need to clean up these first couple chapters. Thanks for the comments though. I'm glad to have another new reader. And uh, push through, the later chapters are a lot cleaner, and a lot better. Mostly because I improve a lot over the course of the story.
I finally got caught up with all the current chapters. Boy, everything has been a real pleasure to read! I do love where the story is heading and all the complex characters you've developed. I especially love Rosetta. I just find him super cute! *cough* I can't wait to see him and Permittivity get some together-time *cough*.
Anyhow, I really look forward to the future chapters and what you have in store for them! Stay awesome!
9553280
Thank you so much for writing this comment. It always feels awesome to hear from fans! And yeah, there's probably gonna be some stallion smooches...