P.B. and J.

by TheAmazingMe

P.B. and ... Pancakes?

I woke up with a terrible headache and a horrid taste in my mouth. Moaning, I rolled over and covered my head with a pillow. The covers weren’t as soft as I remembered, although I might’ve been addled by last night’s libations. Then, like a series of waves, it hit me.

This was not my bed.

I was not wearing a single stitch.

That shirt had been my favorite white one.

The scent of cheap soap meant I was clean.

A soft, stalliony chuckle told me I was not here alone.

Sweet Celestia.

“Welcome back to the land of the living.” A cheery, semi-familiar voice chimed.

Another groan. “’Druther be dead.”

A laugh. It was just a few notes away from painful. “Pain is supposed to teach you a lesson. What have you learned?”

I cracked an eye open to glare at my nursemaid. The pain from the light had me scrunching the lid back over the offended organ. It didn’t help much and I moaned again. “Oh, I’m never drinking again.”

“I have something that might help with that hangover.” A drink with ice rattled nearby. I resisted the urge to blast it.

My head pounded like I’d struck it against a wall. “If it's not at least 15% alcohol by volume, I don’t care.”

This elicited another chuckle. Eventually, I was sure he would either enrage me or destroy my head with just his voice. “So much for never drinking again. Do this often?”

I considered how to answer. My tutor always advised in awkward situations it was best to answer a question with a question. Of course, she never answered any of my most burning questions. “The drinking, the blackout, or waking up in a strange stallion's bed?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “Yes to all of those.”

I rolled over and sat up. Given that I didn’t immediately puke, I felt charitable enough to give a straight answer. “Yes, sometimes, and not as often as it seems.”

I opened my eyes to see Joe. Pony Joe the donut baker. “I called for a doctor when you hit the floor. While we were cleaning you up, we realized who you were…”

“Told you.” It sounded more petulant than I intended.

He shrugged and leaned back. “You were drunk and dirty. Not exactly prime Prince condition.”

I scoffed. “I could hardly be blamed for either.”

“Of course.” I didn’t appreciate the tone.

I narrowed my eyes. “And a tough guy like you just invited a drunk dirty stranger into your bakery?”

He nodded. “Yes. Homelessness is rare around here, but it does happen.”

I resisted the urge to shake my head at him. Real tough guy voice, but this guy was a pastry puff. “And you weren’t worried about a random lush causing damage to your business or worse, attack you?”

One side of his mouth quirked upwards. It was annoyingly attractive in a very unpolished way. “If you go around expecting the worst from ponies, that’s all you’ll ever see. I do my best to help ponies in need and I’m rarely harmed in the process,” he said as he stood. Retrieving an offering of a glass of hangover potion, he returned and set it on the table beside me.

“I find you annoyingly, foalishly optimistic.” I announced as I took the medicine. I'd tasted worse, but that was long ago.

Joe shrugged. “Guilty as charged.”

Shuddering at the taste, I finished and replied. “Well, at least I didn’t turn up at the castle like that. My aunt would be on my case all day today.”

“Oh, well, I might give you a heads-up then. I sent a message to the castle to let them know where you were.” I looked up at him balefully. He seemed completely unfazed.

Thinking about what Celestia must have heard, I tensed. “By ‘a message to the castle,' you mean…”

He smirked, taking his dear sweet time watching me squirm before he finally answered. “To the head of Princess Luna’s House Guard, who was the top guard on duty at the time.”

I heaved a sigh of relief. I’d just have to convince Luna not to tell her sister. Then again, that would be harder than it sounded. We weren’t exactly close. I had until Luna woke up around midafternoon, if I was lucky.

His eyes must have noticed some subtle change in my demeanor. He looked down, then back at me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want them to worry about you, so…”

“They wouldn’t have worried about me.” I answered tersely.

He frowned. “That’s a little rough. Princess Celestia…”

“Her Highness hasn’t spoken to me, except to express her disappointment, in quite some time.” I said stiffly.

“I didn’t know.” He said.

I sniffed. “I’m not surprised a nopony like you didn't. Nopony knows.”

He seemed to brush my rudeness off like crumbs. “If the rumors are to be believed about you, Prince Blueblood, then I would understand her disappointment.”

“You don’t know the first thing about me.” I said crossly.

“I'd like to.” Joe said boldly.

“Why? What game are you playing? Trying to get a job as the castle donut maker?” I asked accusingly.

He shook his head, that annoying smile back on his face. “I like travelling too much to want to spend my life in a castle.”

His words struck a chord. It was a sentiment I could agree with, although it had never been allowed. Even before I lost favor with my aunt, my tutor hated traveling. “Well, at least you have that much right.” The bitterness seeped through more than I’d intended.

For someone who ran a donut shop, Joe was remarkably perceptive. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“Remind me of my gilded cage?” I offered.

He snorted. “That’s a bit melodramatic. Have you ever tried setting up a vacation outside of Canterlot?”

I scoffed. “To do what? I’m not the charity-shilling type. I’m not a patron of any reputable business or organization. Do you think royalty can just flit about without a reason?” I waved a forelimb dramatically. He didn't respond.

I sighed heavily. “I was born to privilege and with that comes specific obligations.”

His brows furrowed. “Horse shit. “Sounds like you haven’t tried very hard.”

“How would you know? You don’t know anything about me?” I repeated.

“Why don’t you tell me about you?” He insisted.

“I’ve told you about me and you either don’t believe me or don’t believe I’m trying.”

“You haven’t told me about you.” He stated calmly.

I crossed my forelimbs, trying and failing to regain my composure. Exhaling sharply through my nostrils, I gave up on trying. “What are you talking about? Of course I have!” I was suddenly aware of how petulant I looked. And sounded. This really was the worst, to know that I was acting improperly and yet be unable to control it. My tutor would have been livid.

Joe continued probing my emotions. “You’ve spoken of the Princess, of what you are not, and of what you are sure you can’t do. None of that is ‘you.’”

My ire rose. “I’m an elite. A prince. And I’m quite through with this useless conversation. Has my escort arrived to return me to the palace?”

“No.” Joe waved a scroll in one hoof. “In accordance with the orders of Her Royal Highness Princess Luna, His Royal Highness Prince Blueblood is to make an appearance at the Court of the Night on his own behest and at the open of court hours of the date listed below.”

He passed the letter to me and added, “It’s today’s date, by the way.”

“I can read.” I hissed. The letter had a second page addressed to Joe, thanking him for saving my life and dignity. No wonder he felt so comfortable being cheeky.

And there I sat, alive, yet most indignant. “I suppose you think this is funny.”

“It has a certain humor to it, but I’m not all that happy.” He admitted.

“Why not?” I asked venomously. His caring act was really starting to bother me. To all outward appearances, he should be gruff, reserved and easy to dismiss. “Most ponies would be giddy at the chance to see me in disgrace.”

He tilted his head and thought a moment. There, that was the difference between his looks and his personality. At some point, he’d learned to think. “I have a feeling those ponies might have their reasons for doing so. On the other hoof, I have no reason to be happy that my guest is upset.”

“I am NOT upset!” I roared at him.

“I can see that.” He said drily. “Just call a cab and you’re off to see the princess.”

“I don’t have any bits on me.” I admitted.

He snorted. “And the castle guard wouldn’t cover for you?”

“Under the circumstances, the note does say at my own behest.” I trailed off at the thought of Aunt Celestia hearing about me begging cab fare off of a guardpony. “And I really don’t want Celestia to know what happened last night.”

Joe looked down. That was it, I couldn’t have anypony pity me. “Hmm. You don’t think Princess Luna’s already told her?”

His question distracted me from his pitying look. “If she went through the trouble to summon me, no. If she’d told Celestia, I’d be dragged into the Court of the Day.”

"I'll go with you." Joe offered. "We can even get pancakes on the way."

"What?" I asked, stunned.

His lips curled up. "Pancakes are a flat, round, fried cake. Usually served with syrup..."

"I know." I said testily.

He shrugged again. "Well, unless you have another way to get to the castle. The castle is several blocks away. You might get there in time for Court. If you leave now, that is."

I narrowed my eyes. "Fine. I just have one question."

"Yes?" He asked.

I felt heat rush to my face. "Where are my clothes?"

Author's Note:

Edited and expanded 5-20-18

Comments

[The Great Derpsby]

Oh, I like this. Joe's cheerful refusal to be pushed away is quite delightful. And I would like to know more about what the prince's problem with Celestia is. At a cursory glance, it looks similar to what happened with Sunset Shimmer's bitter falling out with her before she ran away.

[Mix-up]

interesting shipping, I am looking forward to see how it will develop as it goes on.