P.B. and J.

by TheAmazingMe

P.B. and ... Chaos

Yeah.

No, really it made a lot of sense. I mean, why wouldn't he decide to make a visit to Canterlot? Some of his favorite ponies to torment were there. He'd appeared to needle my aunt during Day Court a few times. By and large, I'd avoided attracting his attention.

It was roughly a week after I started dating Joe. Joe and I were working our flanks off at the kitchen to fill an order for a wedding. Donut Joe's didn't do a lot of weddings usually, but this was for a regular, well-paying customer. I'd just pulled the last tray of cinnamon rolls out of the oven when it happened. In a puff of alarmingly green smoke and to the sound of a choir of distressed-sounding ducks, the master of Chaos himself appeared.

Discord.

Joe's turned around to take in the strange, bewildering assortment of limbs and extremities that made up Discord's form. From his odd mismatched bicorn horns to the tip of his asymmetrical hooves, the master of chaos and once ancient foe of the royal unicorn houses surveyed his unwilling audience.

"Unwilling! I'll have you know that most beings of all shapes and sizes are quite eager to see me appear!" Discord said, pouting as he crossed his incongruous forelimbs.

"Stay out of my head, you ill-assorted grab-bag of unpleasantness." I retorted.

Discord lifted his snout indignantly. "I was reading the narration. If I were to read your mind, Prince Bluecrud, I'm certain there wouldn't be more than a single lonely cricket chirping mournfully."

"Please don't turn him into anything unpleasant, Mr. Discord, someponies just don't appreciate a work of art." Joe said, stepping between me and Discord. I tried to shove his rump aside, but he remained firm.

"Firm indeed, and might I say I am surprised to see a unicorn with such finely toned glutes." Discord said, having suddenly appeared between me and Joe, his paw and claw grabbing either side of Joe's flanks.

"Um, thank you?" Joe said uncomfortably.

"Kindly release his flanks before I buck you into next week." I threatened.

Discord turned to me gleefully. "Well! This is an unexpected twist. I do believe someprince has developed, dare I say it? FEELINGS!"

I pressed my mouth into a thin line and narrowed my eyes. "I've always had feelings, you foal's fever-dream made real."

"Oh, true enough! Allow me to clarify then. You have feelings, positive ones no less, for another pony!" Discord said, clapping his paw and claw together excitedly. "A baker and a prince! Now that's an uncommon pair. Someponies would even say unlikely! It’s almost as if a writer came up with the idea as a joke based on a popular sandwich."

"You make about as much sense as you ever do, Discord." I said, rolling my eyes. "What do you want?"

"As it just so happens, your little crème puff already knows what I want, don't you Joe?" Discord said mischievously.

Joe's face went blank. "Discord, we just got through with a big order, you couldn't possibly..."

"Ah, ah-ah! I'm a loyal customer. Why, I've never even set paw in a Stallbucks or Buckin' Bearclaws since I began patronizing your chain of fine donut delicatessens. Is this any way to treat a long-time customer?" Discord asked as his eyes grew wide and puppy-like.

Joe caved. "Okay, put away the puppy dog eyes. I swear, you're worse than Blue is."

"Don't compare me to this gaudy garrulous greedy-guts." I said, then touched my lips. That wasn't the insult I'd intended at all. "Discord's a disastrous, dangerous and dastardly demon." My gaze locked onto Discord's yellow and red eyes.

"What worrying wizardry wriggles through my much-maladied mind? Some spell, substantial and subversive, for sure!" I stomped a hoof in irritation.

Discord popped up at my side, dressed as a doctor with a thermometer suddenly jammed into my mouth. The red line sprang forward and burst out the end of the temperature taker with explosive force. Discord extracted the smoking remains and inspected it closely. "Alliteritis, I'm afraid."

"All an agregious act against an aristocrat!" I fumed.

Discord walked away, shaking his head. "I do believe it's getting worse."

Joe poked my side. "Just apologize and let's get to giving the guy what he wants."

"Verify this vociferous villainy? No, nay, never! Understand the unethical, unscrupulous, unprincipled undertakings of this undoubtedly underhoofed, ugly underminer." Joe only raised his eyebrows.

"You're starting to turn the writer into a liar, you know. This much alliteration in a story can only go so far as a joke." Discord said idly, floating on a fluffy plaid cloud and sipping a glass. As in, literally drinking the glass away from underneath the drink it held while said drink remained in place.

Joe gestured encouragingly.

I sighed, defeated. "All apologies, alright? I'll be nice until and unless you do something to warrant it. Fair enough?" I asked, extending a hoof. With relief, I realized I could speak in normal sentences again.

In a flash, Discord was in front of me dressed in a black and purple gown with a crow perched on his shoulder. "I believe you'll find that I'm the fairest in the land. Just ask any magic mirror." He said, taking my hoof in his claw. Instead of shaking the hoof, the rest of me began vibrating erratically.

Back to 'normal' Discord turned to face Joe. "Even with your unicorn magic, I do understand the time, effort and artistry that goes into making my order extra special. You have two hours before I return. Make wise use of your time, don't let anyprince distract you now."

With a wink, he disappeared into thin air.

I looked over at Joe intently. He rolled his eyes and let out a short sigh.

"Well, I should explain by saying I didn't know who placed the order the first time I made it. The order just appeared, with more than enough bits to cover it. Don't ask me where he got the bits." Joe began.

"Essentially, it's three large donuts, about the size of a regular cake. The special instructions I got with it were to use flavors I've never used before. When I first filled the order I used mint, cheese and asparagus." I must have looked horrified, because Joe shrugged. "It's more about playing around with odd flavors. Discord can eat just about anything, as far as I can tell. Of course, he still has a sense of taste and some of the flavors I've made for him have found their way to the case out front."

I tried not to think about asparagus. "So, what are you thinking of doing this time? I assume he'd be rather put out if you did the same thing again."

"I've never tried putting the same thing in front of him twice. I'd rather not." Joe explained as he levitated three large donut molds and set them on the table. "I think we'll have just enough basic ingredients, if I pull out some of that yeast dough as well."

I set my hooves on the counter, drumming them idly. "That's the easy part. What have you got as far as flavor ideas?"

Joe turned his head towards me and listed off his previous forays into chaotic donuts. "Well, this is the fifth time he's made this order, so mint, cheese, asparagus, sea-salt and peppercorns, saltwater taffy, candied yams, grape juice, algae, seaweed, tea leaf, beet, and onion."

I had to keep a hoof on my mouth before my lunch could reverse direction on me. Taking a few deep breaths, I decided to clue him in on my opinion. "Ew."

"I'd say about a third of them became popular enough to keep making. I'll let you guess which ones." Joe teased.

"I could just go out and look at your selection at the counter." I said.

"Where's the fun in that?" He asked.

I sighed. "Are you going to get down to business here or what? I'm sure we've wasted enough time already."

"Oh, I've already got my ideas, I just had to groan a bit about it. Makes for good baking if you complain. That's a big part of why I love your cinnamon rolls so much." Joe snuck a kiss to my neck before I could act on a sudden urge to punch him. "I need you to go get taro root, rock candy, and poison joke."

"What?" I asked, incredulous. "You've got to be kidding."

"Hm? No, I was talking to Sue." Joe explained. I turned around to see Sue standing behind me.

"Another Discord order?" Sue asked drily.

"Eeyup." Joe and I said simultaneously.

Sue looked at both of us before sighing. "You two need to spend less time together. Okay, I'm headed out. Shop's been pretty dead for the last hour or so anyway."

We got to work. The ovens were shut off after our last batch, so Joe restarted them. Meanwhile, I started laying out ingredients and utensils so that they'd be close at hoof. As soon as Sue got back, we'd get right to mixing and baking Discord's order. Until then, there wasn't much to do.

Well, there wasn't much to do work-wise. I sidled up alongside Joe as he checked things over. Nuzzling up against his neck, I planted a kiss on his jaw. "What do we do now, boss?"

"Come on, let's go out front and wait for Sue. I can show you a few things about our customer's expectations." Joe said cheerily.

I gazed upwards, put out by Joe completely missing what I thought were obvious signals. He was out front before I could pull him back and make him notice me. Head held high, I sauntered nonchalantly out to the counter. "So, what did you want to show me?"

With his magic Joe wheeled a mop and bucket over to me. "I think I've seen one of these before." I observed.

Joe laughed. "Yeah, I'd hope so. Ever used one?"

I shook my head. "Prince, remember? And the orphanage had a cleaning service. And I was too young to clean for my parents."

"Well, now's as good a time as any to pick up this important skill. Customer's expectation number one is a clean place. And we start from the floor up." Joe said with a smile.

"I take it you're expecting me to mop the floor?" I asked, disappointed with how our free time was turning out.

"Don't tell me you're too good to put in some clean, honest work." Joe said reproachfully.

Sighing, I gave up. I pulled the mop and bucket behind me as I walked around the counter. On the way, I flicked my tail at Joe. "I'll show you who's too good. Too good at mopping floors!"

"That's the spirit!" Joe said, poor, oblivious, over-worked stallion that he was.

When Sue came back, I'd just finished with the floor. Having splashed myself one time too many, I was glad to be a unicorn but magically exhausted. Sue hurried to the back to give Joe his special ingredients and that's when I noticed it. She'd tracked in a good deal of mud. Frustrated, I heaved myself back to my hooves with a moan and ignited my horn.

I felt a claw wrap around my horn and I opened my mouth to shout in surprise. A paw cut me off before I could do it. Discord had me in his grasp, I realized with a shiver of fear. "Shh, sorry to surprise you but I had to stop you before you wasted any more effort on cleaning."

With an indignant noise, muffled slightly by the chaotic creature's paw, I tried pulling away. Holding fast to my horn, Discord laughed. "Now, hear me out, my little pony. I'll let you go if you promise not to alert anypony here to my presence. Agreed?" Reluctantly, I nodded. There wasn't much I wouldn't agree to if it meant Discord letting go of my horn. Keeping his end of the bargain, he released me and I stepped back, feeling my horn to make sure it was still there.

With a snap of his claws, the mud on the floor disappeared. "There, just to show you a sign of good faith. I hoped to talk to you about a little rumor going around the castle."

"Since when have you ever been involved with castle rumors? I thought idle gossip was beneath you." I said, satisfied that my horn was okay. I'd have to check a mirror to see if it was the proper color or not, but that could wait for now.

"Oh, usually you're quite right. There are so many things beneath me, you know." Discord said as he hovered in midair. He lounged on his side as if on an invisible couch while miniature ponies pranced in a circle below him. One of them bore a rather striking resemblance to Hoity Toity.

"So what's so special about this rumor?" I asked.

"Ah, it's not a 'what' but a 'who.' As in, who's seeing who." Discord said, his 'who's' coming out like an owl's call.

As the significance of his words hit me, my heart skipped a beat. Sure nopony could've found out about me and...

"A little birdie told me that there are two stallions who seem to be very much in love with each other. That birdie was quite surprised. I find it a little hard to believe, especially given your talent for insulting mares."

"Yes, and you insult reason and good sense. What has that got to do with anything?" I asked hotly.

Discord tsked. "Now, now, keep your words soft and sweet. There's no reason for either of us to lose our tempers. Besides, I'm doing you quite the favor here."

"I fail to see..." Suddenly I was blind.

"Yes, I'm sure you do." Discord said. "So let me shine some light on you."

With a snap, my vision was back and Discord literally held a light to my face, the rest of the room shrouded in shadows. "You are dating Pony Joe."

Comments

[RadicalDishonesty]

A chapter of fluff!

This is acceptable.

With a snap, my vision was back and Discord literally held a light to my face, the rest of the room shrouded in shadows. "You are dating Pony Joe."

... Yes. You confirmed so earlier this chapter.

"Ah, it's not a 'what' 'what' but a 'who.' As in, who's seeing who." Discord said, his 'who's' coming out like an owl's call.

Is that two whats for effect, or two whats by accident?

[TheAmazingMe]

7122840 Discord teased Blue about strong positive feelings. That's a bit different from knowing that the two are actually dating, let alone that there is a rumor linking the two romantically.

Two what's for effect, but I decided to change it anyway as it looks clunkier that way. Thanks!

[Skarsnik]

Too alliterations for my brain