• Member Since 7th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen September 13th

TheEvilCookie


Fimfiction Writing Career: December 7 2015-February 26 2021

T

This story is a sequel to Coming out


Celestia is not happy about Twilight being gay Luna is not happy with Celestia.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 40 )

I have Fleur De Lis in the story but I couldent get her character tag on due to the five number limit of character tags

Helllll yeah Nice story hehehe would bedre fundet if applejack startede at rebellion

This is honestly the worst story I've ever read it looks like a 10 year old wrote it

Bud, I'm sorry, but you could have probably done better.

6968417 Yeah I know I was distracted when I made it

Do you even watch the show?

"We should take pictures of Luna watching filly fooler porn and spread it around to show how much of a raging bi pony she is. Freak. Celestia said.

i.imgbox.com/mdBL6dKX.jpg

First off, I don't know why you made this a separate fic, you could of easily included this as a second chapter to the last fic I left criticism on. Anyways, let's start.

She's a freak a dusgusting sub human

How would you react if your daughter was a disgusting pile of unholy scum

Um, isn't this a story with ponies? Also I am not sure if there is even an established religion in Equestria, so referring to her as unholy makes no sense.

What the hell is wrong with you assholes!" Luna screamed.

"You sicken me. Your probably a dyke to!" She told Luna.

I can't imagine Luna addressing anyone like this, nor Celestia.

She went home to the Crystal Empire and made a law legalizing same sex marriage in the Crystal Empire effective immediately.

Equestrian Politics seems very organized.

Walls of text about coming outs, acceptance, supportive laws, yay.

Too much telling and not showing, not to mention it's not interesting with the lack of any real conflict.

And so everypony lived happily ever after the end.

dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/11069707/FIMFic/ShitFic.png

I called your last fic mediocre, but this is in comparison is just bad, very bad. I can't recommend much other than scrapping this and rewriting the entire thing.

6969883 Yes I do. Why? They wouldent act like that your saying?

6970160 I fixed the human thing. I was just assuming there was religions. Brian Jacko does stories with religion. I was thinking about a prequel where they fight to get it legalized or I was just bored. I know it's bad I'm sorry I'm trying I just joined last year. I may only have one decent good story but other than that all of these I don't do a good job and I'm sorry I'm trying.

6970658 Dude. No. Of course they wouldn't. Please give me one shred of evidence from the show that supports the way you're making Celestia and Luna act about this, please. I honestly doubt there even is one shred of evidence for that. :unsuresweetie:

6971936 I just thought Celestia would be intolerant. She's over thousands of years old and hasn't legalized it before the story

What are these, "characters" and "pacing" of which you speak?

6972593

I just thought Celestia would be intolerant. She's over thousands of years old and hasn't legalized it before the story

I'm sorry, but do you have any idea what you've just said? Why in the high holy hell would you need to specifically legalize something that you take for granted? It's like demonizing a bowl of properly cooked spaghetti that you have for lunch ever so often. You should frown, curse and yell at those who consume this delicious dish just for the reason for not being explicitly legalized. This is not how it works.

Same-sex marriage / relationship in this world had been doomed mostly due to Judeo-Christian religion because homosexuality is bad because homosexuality is bad! Shut up! It's true! God said so. However, if you spend more than 3 seconds studying politheistic religions (paganism), none of them had any issues / problems with same-sex marriage or relationships. My knowledge about ancient religions is a little rusty, but I'm pretty sure that there were a couple of homosexual gods as well.

Now, with that out, let's get back to the story. To say this story is terrible would be a little bit of an understatement. It's abysmal, just like the previous one. It's an uneducated, poorly thought out, poorly paced story without any head or tail.

What do I mean with that?
First of, Twilight's parents are dicks. And when I say "dicks", I mean that in the worst possible way.

"She's a freak a disgusting animal I can't believe I gave birth to that worthless pig."

I am not really sure how to tell you that, but she's an animal as well. More specifically a pony. And aside of that, everything is out-of-the-blue. There's nothing that'd provoke that, nothing. It's just a spill of dickery coming from a parent that had no problem granting her daughter a leave to Canterlot to pursue a better future.

You know, those parents.

After this, the story only get worse. It's not only that you made background ponies voice what they would not likely elicit, but you did the same to Celestia as well:

"We should take pictures of Luna watching filly fooler porn and spread it around to show how much of a raging bi pony she is. Freak. Celestia said.

The same Celestia, the pony who forgave her sister being the Nightmare Moon, Celestia, who gave Discord a second chance. Also, the same Celestia who can take jokes well, and was absolutely delighted when Twilight and her friends totaled the Grand Galloping Gala.

And then things went literally like this: Laws passed because... Aw fuck it. Then ponies accepted Twi and same-sex couples because... Aw fuck it. AND THEN THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! Because... Aw, fuck it.

Nothing within the story seems plausible, and... Well...
24.media.tumblr.com/48975762aa8b66b86bffbc2b9e2e28eb/tumblr_n4asyiOsv31qf9djko1_500.png

~Twi

6972593 Wow, you're right. One thousand years of leading a nation of mixed races and ideals with a gentle forgiveness would absolutely make someone intolerant and harsh. :unsuresweetie:

You are assuming that age equals intolerance, and that is simply false. Honestly, age brings experience, so I'd image Celestia being the most tolerant of all the ponies after spending so long learning to understand and love her nation.

And how do you know it's not legalized in Equestria? Did you find some book of official Equestrain law somewhere? Considering that doesn't exist, I'll go ahead and fill that in with a "no." It wasn't mentioned on the show before because it's a kids show run by Hasbro, they would never try to hit controversial topics like that for fear of the backlash.

6970160 A few authors on this site will upload chapters as separate items to fluff their count.

6970160

She went home to the Crystal Empire and made a law legalizing same sex marriage in the Crystal Empire effective immediately.

"Equestrian Politics seems very organized."


I like to think she just kept yelling at everyone 'SAME SEX MARRIAGE IS LEGAL NOW!!!' and they only bypassed all of the Crystal Empires regulations about law making just so Luna would stop. Because in this authors universe Luna is so out of character that she would totally do something along those lines. Then again maybe the Crystal Empires political figures are also warped mentally so when Luna busted in they immediately changed the law without putting it through any systems or receiving any resistance.

OK, what the buck have I just read? Because I wouldn't call this a fanfic. And this is not the first thing written by you that I had read, I also read Hate, its sequel - Punishment, Giving Birth, Rage, Fear, Confrontation and Suspicion.
And after reading those, all I have to say is... What am I reading?

Here are my biggest problems with your writing:
1. Characters being Out Of Character to the point it's painful to sit through.
There is a reason why some ask you if you watch the show. You portrait characters however you want and almost always they come completely OOC. There is character assassination in almost every fic of yours. And my question is WHY? Do you expect people to laugh at Twilight being brutal, or Celestia being stupidedly conservative?
2. Spelling and punctuation. OMG, it's so bad that I can't even!
You don't use apostrophes where you should, spell COULDN'T/SHOULDN'T/WOULDN'T wrong EVERYTIME, sometimes misspell words completely, and on top of all of that, you don't use commas at all.
And you say English is your only language?
3. Sentences that work as a filler.
You tend to repeat a phrase dozens of times, whatever it happens to be, and it's really bad. You write sentences that don't serve ANY PURPOSE other than making your stories longer (for whatever reason). When I read your story, I could cut out about 30% of it and loose NOTHING.

Honestly, I've read those fics to see if I could find ANYTHING good to say about any of them. But I can't. You say you're trying, but I call that bullcrap. You don't care. If you did then you would AT LEAST look through you fics and edit them. And saying that you use only out tablet IS NOT an excuse.

It’s certainly nice but I think Knightly’s work on this site could go down the path of too much feature creep. Still impressed with him.

6973169 I know everypony is out of character

6973185 I just thought it would be a good idea

8217650 Yeah you might be right :/

christ this story's title is fucking funny

8335342
Because he's a faget

Comment posted by TheEvilCookie deleted Aug 2nd, 2017

8492782 No it's not meant to be a comedy

8492841 Oh okay i took it wrong

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