Discord Vs Cartoon Physics

by Stevebond1990

Spam And Grannies

Author's Note:

Warning: This Chapter contains Griffons dressed as Vikings, Spam and SoarinDash.

He'd just flashed away from Discord Prime and arrived...

Not where he was supposed to be.

Discord craned his neck but found himself scratching his antler.

"Where in Equestria am I?" he wondered, something was very wrong.

He watched as a pair of stallions, dressed in a fashion he would associate with Bucklyn toughs, hurried along, casting furtive glances in all directions and clearly looking to avoid attention rather than with the Alpha Tough mentality one would associate with such specimens of stallionhood.

"What in Aunties' name is going on?" Discord wondered, he caught movement out of the corner of his eye but dismissed it as a glance only showed a quartet of old grannies, he then spotted a phone box, "now there's a thought."

He glided over and entered the box, pulled a sixpence out of his personal hammerspace and put it in the slot as he lifted the receiver, "hello, Operator? Ponyville-24267 please?"

There was a banging on the door, "Wait your turn, I'll only be a minute."

"Hello, is that you Discord?"

"Prime? It's Discord, I'm a bit lost," Discord said sheepishly.

"You're supposed to be in Canterlot, or at worst Ponyville... How did you end up in Fillydelphia?" Discord Prime asked incredulously.

"I just landed here, I don't know why..." he looked over his shoulder as the door was forced open, "do you..."

Clang!

"Discord? What's Happening? Dis..."

Discord felt hooves wrench him out of the phone box as stars filled his sight from the preceding handbag between his horn and antler.

He forced himself free and drew himself to his full and terrible height, only to pause as he recognised his attackers as the grannies he'd seen earlier. Big Mistake.

A second handbag sung up between his legs and his body locked in Pure Male Agony as the contents of his happy sack suddenly shot into his body to snap back like balls on elastic string and rebound off the iron horseshoe in the handbag still lodged between his thighs.

There wasn't time for a repeat as a second handbag impacted his face, sending him to the floor, followed by another, and another and another...

Once it stopped Discord could barely comprehend anything but pain, only vaguely aware of the grannies reaching into his pocket space and pinching everything they could sit into the phone box, now on it's side, before closing the door, lifting it on their shoulders and trotting off, cackling like witches.

---

He had no idea what was going on, one second he was in the mess hall listening to a VD lecture from Spitfire when he was suddenly flank over fetlock in the dustbins behind the Fields Evening Club in Filly.

How did he know? He got chucked out last time he was on leave when Comet Chaser had a cognac too many and tried to flirt with the lounge signer, Temptation.

Emphasis on Tried.

One thing he noted was how subdued Barbell and Track Ballast, two local 'Tough Stallions' were, another was an odd creature lying in the street that had clearly gone a few rounds with Blackened Deck, the local boxing champion.

He stopped to peer at the creature, it looked oddly like one of the statues in the garden of the Canterlot Palace.

A scream from ahead split the night and he took to the air to get there faster.

As he reached the end of the road he saw a gang of... grannies, cackling loudly as they ran back the way he came, turning the corner his breath caught in his throat.

Below was a young Pegasus mare, her tail and short cut mane a riot of colour, her slender, toned form a warm cyan.

And she was lying in a pile of her own feathers.

He glided down and dropped next to her, he lowered his head, "Hello?" the mare shied away, "Hey, it's ok. I'm not going to hurt you."

He gently wrapped his right foreleg around her barrel and took her left hoof in his, "Now, where does it hurt?"

"M-m-my W-wings!" She said, trying hard not to sob, "They -p-plucked my w-wings."

He glanced at her wings, bare with blood starting to seep out where the stems of her feathers normally sat, a look around revealed a café nearby that was, strangely, still open.

"There's a café just over there," he told the mare, "we're going to get you up, into the café and see about bandaging those wings, ok?"

The mare nodded, bit her lip and stood up, it took several minutes and some gentle coaxing but they were in the café and he had just finished bandaging her wings.

---

"There, all done," he said, smiling as he put away the first aid kit the waitress had given him, "how do they feel?"

The mare flexed her wings with only the slightest wince, "They feel better, thanks," she then turned and sat down properly, "You're pretty good at this."

He blushed lightly, "well, I kinda have to be, given my job and my... well, I'm a bit clumsy when I'm flying."

"Really?" the mare coked her head, "oh, I'm Rainbow Dash, The..."

"Fastest Flyer in Equestria," he filled in with a smile, "I was at the Young Flier Competition, I saw you do the Rainboom, "name's Soarin by the way."

"You were there?" Rainbow repeated skeptically, "I don't think so, I'd remember seeing a cute guy like you."

He had to fight his blush this time, "well, I was in uniform at the time and I was knocked out by that unicorn after her wing spell failed."

Rainbow stared uncomprehendingly for a second, then squeaked "You're A Wonderbolt?"

He couldn't help but laugh, that squeak was just too cute, "I get that a lot, there's a reason modern uniforms only show the muzzle, mane and tail."

"But how can you be a clutz, you're a Wonderbolt?" Rainbow accused.

Soarin rubbed his neck sheepishly, "well, I get what the Boers call tunnel vision, it means I tend to focus in on one thing while I'm flying while blocking everything else out."

"You're pulling my hoof," Rainbow protested, Soarin gathered from her expression something similar happened to her.

"Eeyup," he confirmed, grinning as her jaw dropped, "see, I get so focused on my flying I lose track of the environment."

He started rubbing his hoof in a circle on the table, "one time my section were providing aerial escort to a troop train coming back from Stalliongrad and I decided to show off."

He leaned back and placed one hoof on the table and the other he held above it, "see, I decide to do a wing roll over the train, simple enough and it starts fine," he mimes his flight path with his hoof, "The problem was I was so focused on my flying I didn't notice the train reach a bend in the tracks," he mimes the train turning into his flight path, "so as I straighten up i fly head first into a thirty ton tender, somersault over the coal rails and end up buried to my flank in the coal..."

He couldn't resist a chuckle as Rainbow rolled around on the floor holding her sides, her laugh music to his ears, "it took four of them to dig me out."

Eventually her chuckles subsided and she rolled upright, she looked at him and he found himself lost in her beautiful cerise eyes.

She tapped him on the chest, breaking the spell, "hey, I don't just kiss random colts, no matter how cute, buy me dinner first," she joked.

He just chuckled, "may we have the menu please, waitress?"

Her jaw dropped, "you know i was joking?"

"Well, why not?" he shrugged, "it's obvious we get on well, maybe even like each other, so why not give it a try and see how we go from there?"

Rainbow blushed and looked away as the waitress came over, "ok, but no mushy stuff."

He chuckled as the waitress opened her copy of the menu.

"What would you like?" the waitress asked, "we've got Egg and hay bacon,
Egg, sausage and hay bacon,
Egg and Spam,
Egg, hay bacon and Spam,
Egg, hay bacon, sausage and Spam,
Spam, hay bacon, sausage, baked beans and Spam,
Spam, egg, Spam, baked beans, Spam, hay bacon and Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, egg and Spam,
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam,
And Spam."

"What's spam?" Rainbow asked.

"It's a processed food Griffin's make," Soarin hastily covered.

Suddenly a group of Viking Griffins starts chanting "Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, SPAM..."

He looks away as the waitress tries to calm them, he notices something Rainbow's holding, "what's that?"

Rainbow clutches the item, "um... it's granny Smith's purse."

"Isn't that an apple brand from Dodge?" Soarin asks, scrunching his muzzle.

"It's also my best friend's grandmother," Rainbow said sheepishly.

"You Stole It!" Soarin accused.

"I'm the bearer of the Element of Loyalty!" Rainbow defended, "When Discord broke lose he stole the Elements and my friends and I had to find them, when we entered the maze it felt like the world fell out from under me, then i hit the floor and my Element bounced off my nose."

"Then those grannies mugged me," the exuberance drained out of her and she plopped on her flank, "I tried to get it back and it took everything i had not to let go when they..."

He winced as her wings gave a futile flutter, "ok, I'm sorry."

"Are you ready to order?" the waitress coughed impatiently.

"Egg and hay bacon," Soarin ordered, then looked at Rainbow.

"Egg, hay bacon and veggie sausage," Rainbow ordered.

"What else for a pony, dear?" the waitress muttered sarcastically, then headed back.

"Well, is it in there?" he asked.

Rainbow opened the purse and tipped it, a bright blue gem fell into her hoof.

"I don't believe it?" she gasped.

There was a roar of motorcycle engines, a squeal of tires, a yelp, engines revving, then the squeal of bikes roaring away at high speed.

He turned back to Rainbow, who was closing the purse when the door slammed open.

There, with a tire track down his body, was Discord, he braced himself against the door frame.

"Is there... a... doctor.. in the.." his laboured breathing ceased as his eyes settled on the gem in Rainbow's hoof.

"GIVE IT TO ME!" he roared and, forgetting his injuries, lunged at Rainbow.

"BUCK. OFF!" Soarin Roared, taking flight he shot forward with a powerful sweep of his wings pivoting mid air he slammed his hind hoofs into Discord's chest with enough force to punch through a half inch thick steel plate.

Discord was thrown onto the table where the Vikings were dining, the vikings jumped from their seats as the table was upended and over a dozen plates of spam and other stuff were tossed into the air and came down over the Draconequus sprawled over the table.

He climbed upright, wiping spam from his eyes and muzzle but found himself faced with a dozen Angry Vikings.

"Um.. nice vikings," Discord said placatingly, he gulped loudly as the angry Vikings drew weapons including, axes, swords and an egg whisk.

He'd just made it to the door when Rainbow called out to him, "Hey Discord? Catch!"

Discord reacted and caught the object thrown at him, before he could look it over the Vikings charged.

"SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!"

Discord was instantly through the door but froze just outside.

"That's Mah Purse! Git Tha Varmint!"

"MUMMY!"

Soarin just hovered as the Vikings charged out after Discord, who in turn was running from the Grannies who roared past on their Motorcycles.

"You know?" he said to Rainbow as the waitress brought their food, "I almost feel sorry for him," then as he sat down at the table to eat his eyes caught Rainbows wings.

"Almost."

Comments

[phantomlord01]

Yes, gangs of old ladies beating up fit defenseless young men. And now for something completely different.

[Zapper Frost]

when will the next chapter come out?

[MagicLover2128]

So funny and a very good read; please update soon.