• Member Since 23rd Dec, 2013
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Oroboro


Employed layabout with not enough free time to write about horses.

T
Source

A ski trip promises to be a fun and exciting vacation for Sunset Shimmer and her friends. But when the girls are caught in a blizzard, the house they find to shelter them might not be as benevolent as it appears.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 56 )

Group hallucinations explains everything. :twilightsmile: Wonder if that's the cover story for all that happens at CHS. At least here they don't have to worry about whether they're copies of the real thing trapped in an experiment by some entity, with some math problem being the only way out.

Though I'm also reminded of a scene from Persona 4 too. Glad this stayed mystery and didn't go into thriller or too dark territory.

This was an exceptional short story. Really love how you execute Sunset and the humane six

I've noticed you keep saying Six, but with Sunset, the humane 5 and Sci-Twi you have 7.

kul
kul #4 · Mar 1st, 2016 · · ·

This is so spooky and sweet! I had goosebumps reading this, but the ending was just perfectly uplifting. If you ever decided to make anothet mysterious story like this set in EqG verse, consider dm-ing me, I want to cook up another cover art!

Ps. I LOVE your headcanon about human cutiemark

6987248 Well, the next couple stories on my slate are probably going to be romance related, but I'm always in the market for artwork. :twilightsmile:

Ri2
Ri2 #7 · Mar 1st, 2016 · · ·

Soooo...
Who did Pinkie see in her bed?

JMP
JMP #8 · Mar 1st, 2016 · · ·

Even in a non-romance story there's ship tease between Sunset and Twilight. In any case, very fun short story.

I'm actually sorta glad we didn't get a complete explanation for what just happened there. I like a little mystery sometimes.

Well... that was certainly... a thing.

6987624 me thinks all of them what better way to make friends happy then to love them all?

Surprisingly sweet, considering. :twilightsmile:

Yeah, I really enjoyed this. Felt a little anticlimactic, but I'm not disappointed. Have a like and a fav! :twilightsmile:

Actually thought of Haruhi as soon as I read the description, so the "bedroom encounter" scene was just icing on the cake.:rainbowlaugh: Neat little story, anyway.

Great refinement from the Writeoff version. A most enjoyable tale of the supernatural's slow awakening in the human world. A shame the house still ate all of Sunset's old journal entries, though. At least that means she has an excuse to see Celestia again. But that's quite another story.

6987624
My guess is herself, a collage of the parts of her psyche she tries not to think about.

Short, simple, very nice for what it is.

RF2
RF2 #17 · Mar 1st, 2016 · · 1 ·

Sunset is too OOC in this story. Like she always snap at the others and when they worried about her she said it's no big deal. Anyway, still love the story. Upvote and Favorite.

Had me wondering/hoping that the Winchesters were going to show up, :trixieshiftright:
s6.postimg.org/5pzpmopep/Pirate_Approved2.jpg

Beautifully unpretentious and thoroughly enjoyable. Definitely the best piece of EQG work (including the actual films) I've come across. Bravo!

You keep on forgetting, my dear Sunset, that Friendship is Magic. It didn't want the light of your magic, it wanted the light of your friendship!

It's a shame to think that the house will be lonely again now their time together is done. I wonder if they might be able to persuade it to relocate to Everfree County somehow? Surrounded by people, it might be less lonely! It might even get a family to look after!

6988736
That's an interesting theory, especially when we consider the implication that each person saw someone that had a crush on her (or that she had a crush on).

Sunset swallowed, then rubbed at her arm. “I saw…” she turned to Twilight, her own cheeks still burning.
Twilight met her gaze, then immediately looked away, seeming even more embarrassed than Sunset.
Sunset saw Applejack and Rarity share similar looks, as well as Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie Pie seemed to be staring at her own feet.

Everyone else is wondering what this means for their friendship or wondering how long their friend's been interested in them, and Pinkie's trying to come to terms with realizing she has a foot fetish.

2spooky

Haunted mansions and snowy climates go together like peanut butter and chocolate. :twilightsmile:

Friendship is magic. Until we meet again, Ghost House.

p.s. I'm really glad this wasn't as gruesome as your other story about a mansion and a blizzard!!! Ahahaha...:twilightsheepish:

6987248
Oh, I liked the human cutie marks too!

Congrats on featured!

Reading this in the dark was a both a mistake and a pleasure, fantastic read, dear author :pinkiehappy:

I've gotta say, I'm a bit disappointed with this story in the same way I was disappointed in your similar story "Doll Judgement." I wanted to read a story that kept me at the edge of my seat as the main characters fought for their lives in mysterious circumstances while being completely at the mercy of an unknown and malevolent entity. That was what this story (and "Doll Judgement") was shaping up to be for the first few thousand words, but then the end was, well, too easy. All they did was play a few board games and it was suddenly as if nothing was ever wrong in the first place. Your original intent was probably not to create a horror story, but I got that vibe from the beginning (in both stories) and was disappointed when it didn't pan out.

Also, what was the point of the time dilation? It was introduced as a Chekov gun but it never "went off." The story would've been pretty much exactly the same without it so all it really did was make the story unnecessarily longer.

I still enjoyed this story enough to upvote it, but I felt I should voice my frustrations.

Snow Mountain Syndrome?

6991752 I read in the dark, no problem. ... Well, I had my lamp on, but that's just because I always keep my lamp on before sleeping so I can see my iPad more easily. So I guess I can't really defend my case. ^^'

6994292 My roomate had her Christmas lights on, but that's about it, still sets the atmosphere though :twilightsmile:

I enjoyed commander Sunset, the Sunlight ship tease, the concept of human cutie marks, and how eerie Twilight without a cutie mark somehow was. Was disappointed by the ending. It felt wrapped up too quickly and cleanly. I still feel like I barely understand what that house was.

Short and Sweet... still quite cute.

Comment posted by jaroslav deleted Mar 3rd, 2016

Sunset saw Applejack and Rarity share similar looks, as well as Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash.

Boo, boooooo!

In all seriousness... this went a little fast. It could've done with... not padding, but expanding a bit? It seemed to go directly from important moment to important moment - and no scenes in between - where it could have used some more interaction between the six, or some other stuff to make the story feel a bit more... alive, I guess?

As I finished reading this, I was listening to Kevin Kern's "Out of the Darkness, Into the Light." Supprisingly appropriate, in titile and in music.

Here's a link. Out of the Darkness, Into the Light

Great story. I honestly thought this was going to be an 8 Below or The Thing type story so it was a pleasant surprise. Though I'm wondering what all of the others saw if the house basically thought "I know how to make them happy, I'll bang them"

Aww, this was sweet. :twilightsmile:

with the descrip and your avatar i immediately new what this was inspired from
one pf my fave suzumiya chapters
i love this

This...darn this could have been so very good. Yet it fell so short...

The beginning is great with excellent pacing and a set-up (having fun on the slopes) that contrasts wonderfully with the later Mansion section. The dialogue is snappy, flowing and shows what we can expect from the characters in the story, while the environment (though left somewhat vague) presents a dearth of possibility to the reader, rendering your later threat (Blizzard) to be a realistic possibility, ensuring it does not feel quite like a contrivance to the reader.

The initial showcase of the Mansion is also really good! It generated splendid atmosphere and the interactions with the anomaly held were fundamentally creepy and well done. I like how the time dilation was hinted at with them all opening their doors at the same time.

Speaking of that dilation though, this is where my problems start to come into play. What was the point of it? You hinted at it well with the opening of the doors, and then created a further reasonable (if perhaps rushed) scene with it when it was made explicit. It provided a very concrete reason for them not to split up again, even in pairs or more, and would have made instances wherein they had to for one reason or another very tense. But...nothing was done with it? After it was made explicit it was nuked from story. It feels like it was there to explain how they all opened their doors simultaneously more than anything else, which is a great shame. I feel that that this was a substantial lost opportunity.

Okay, but now she has the Magic Book of Magical Mugnufinness™ and it does not work! Not only that, but the entity is shown more to be either mischievous or malicious by erasing Bacon Hair's journal, an item that she states is dear to her [as an addendum; I know that her collapsing against the banister is her reaction to diary be destroyed, but I think some kind of additional recognition of her distress would have been most welcome]. This scene raises tensions a bit more as it shows the apparition is willing and capable of messing with them further.

Then is starts communicating for the first time through the very same Journal. Or...is this is it first communicating? What of those dreams and the static that had been built up since they first got in the Mansion? Well...No idea! It's totally abandoned like time dilation.

This is a major problem with the story (second to one I'll get to in a moment though) - the most interesting premises presented throughout are dropped and have nothing to do with the conclusion.

Anyhow, like quite a bit of the story, the communication at first is interesting. It has a poor grasp of the language, it appears to be delusional, saying things like "I'm a Princess!" (But is it? Who knows~) and it starts building the hopelessness and frustration this situation would warrant! It looks like the story is going to kick off in earnest!

And then Pinkie Pie happens. Completely out of the blue, Pinkie Deus Ex Machina's the whole situation in a move that - even if it did not lead to the actual resolution of the whole situation, I would have been left scratching my head...the fact it did left me stunned for a few seconds.

This whole ending, I'll say now, is the most problematic portion of the whole story. So much so most of everything I have said up 'till this point might not have been issues if this ending were not the way it is. Firstly, why did Pinkie do this? I know that "That's Pinkie Pie!~™" is a thing, but this was just an absurd stretch. Just look at the situation and how she had been acting; Pinkie was clearly left very uncomfortable from the 'propositioning' done by the ghost, so much so she would not meet anyone's eyes (personally I think she saw all six of them 'cause I find that hilarious). Then she is generally silent through the entirety of the proceeding events, only piping up to alert Sunset about the new writing in the diary. She would likely also have been put on edge further (like the rest of them) by Sunset's 20 minute absence - though this may be harmful to assume, since she does not actually speak at all during Sunset's return, however, for the sake of consistency with the rest of the characters, I shall. So, she is rattled and anxious...why is her first instinct to play games with a creature that had thus far demonstrated a desire to hold them all there, seduce them and vandalize their property? True, Sunset had not conveyed it's want to keep them there, but she had grabbed the book, it stands to reason she would have read that. Even if you do not interpret it's actions as cynically (as Pinkie wouldn't, for sure), if you look at it as innocently as possible, Pinkie is still scared. I doubt that this is the first actions she would have taken.

Secondly...why is this ending so abrupt? The climax feels like it starts at Pinkie yelling "Hey! I won!", and from there to the epilogue it is barely a screens worth of text (at generous font and line spacing ) and to the actual end from there it's four short paragraphs and a line. It feels like the emergency breaks were pulled on the whole story - something that is really jarring on its own but even more so compared to the rest of the story, which is actually competently paced.

Finally...Ugh. The actual tone and content of the ending is so... I don't have a problem with it being cheap, cheerful and cheesy inherently (in fact, if better executed I think it could have actually been really sweet or down right hilarious), but here it feels like a cheep children's cartoon. It feels like a thoughtless and clumsy way to end the story. All the suspense, tension and seriousness was simply evacuated into the void - and I know this was likely the intention! But I'm sorry to say it simply just does not feel earned.

*sigh* I really wanted to like this, I really did. I love this concept. I love the moments where creepy tension is being created - it's not the most scary thing in the world but it was actually gripping, even for a big horror fan like me. I saw promise here. I genuinely think that this is a perfect candidate for a rewrite, one that is maybe even a multi-chapter affair, though a stellar one shot could still definitely be achieved. I do hope you consider it, as I think you probably have the writing chops for it and in the event you do I hope I get to write a glowing praise piece of a review for it. But, the product here and now is a flawed piece. One I think should be learned from in order to produce something greater.

Regards
Zombehhunter

P.S. Sorry for the length, I reckon that I may have gotten carried away. Still, hope this is useful.

I don't think ya explained the duplicates in each others room and what did Pinkie see

Should be be a few more degrees south, that way.

Redundant be.

It was like Tom Riddle's diary, only not really.:rainbowkiss:

Oh, good. I thought this was headed for some kind of Shining thing.

Wow. Great surprise ending there.......

blatantly plagiarized inspired by one of the short stories from the Haruhi Suzumiya novels.

?!?!?!?!?!?!
I LOVE THAT ANIME

PT

7027237 The tension was there, yes, but I gotta agree that the ending came a bit too fast.

Though I had the assumption that they were secretly playthings by an actual child goofing around with her EqG minifigs in her brand new dollhouse. I mean, it would play well with the childish mischief and friendship stuff, but the creepy bits, not so much.

Still, a fun thing to read through, though. Certainly made my skin crawl.

The house didn't eat them; they didn't exit through the backdoor :trollestia:

The mansion conveniently had seven bedrooms on the second floor, each one across the hallway from each other.

Alien geometries already, eh?

Twilight blushed and covered her chest with her arms. Sunset could see her cutie mark sticking up from the hem of her underwear. “All our clothes were wet. We’re letting them dry. Rarity’s searching upstairs for clothes that will fit us.”

sO CUTIE MARKS ARE BASICALLY BUTT TATTOOS?! YUSS

Classic horror trope with a heart warming twist.

I love it.

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