Note: The story isn't really complete, I'm just going to make the following chapters on a separate story because it contains elements which the first story does not.
Link will be posted here once the new story is out
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(HiE Fic)
When children were at the age where they worried whether their mother's home-cooked lunch will impress their friends, August was back home writing his thesis on plant cloning and recombinant DNA. By the age of eight, he was patenting his own invention- a machine which could detect spatial rifts from across the galaxy. And by the age of nine, he was nominated as a possible candidate for the Nobel Prize of Medicine. His talent in science was recognized world-wide and acknowledged by multiple science agencies. They funded his projects and companies competed for the papers he produced. Expectations were laid out and people started to believe that he was a glimmer of hope who could reach the limits of science.
August on the other hand, couldn't care less. Whether or not people showered him with praises, or if his work was accepted as a basis for a fundamental aspect of a scientific field, it didn't matter. He did what he did, and there was nothing more to it. For him, scientific discoveries were about as valuable as apple pie, nothing more, nothing less.
That is, until that fateful day when the "rift detector" goes off and a rip in the fabric of the universe was located a few blocks away from his house.
On that fateful day, August found something he was willing to die for.
He found Twilight Sparkle.
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Chapters are long, but that's because I find it hard to place worthy content in a span of 1000-2500 words.
Proofread by this Idiot
Lastly, here's a quote from some guy
Hey look! it's that story again with humans and portals!
Announcement: I will be releasing the chapters by Arcs and not...well... chapters. Ill release a fulls storyline everytime I update. That does not mean that I will release for example Arc 2 in one day. I will release the chapters per day once I have completed the whole arc.
This is so that there are nor cliffhangers because everyone knows how much crap a cliffhanger does to your—
This is one of the most.. no The best story i have ever read please keep up the good work i hope this never get cancelled.
1: so how often will this be updated?
2: how long to you plan on making this?
3: will there be a sequel?
Description alone grabbed my attention. Looking forward to actually reading.
7042525 Based on your reaction, I'll be making more :)
1. quite often, this will be updated. probably once a week if I'm not busy.
2. Quite long
3. depends on how i'll end it XD
I've gotta say, I'm very much looking forward to the next chapter...
.
7045191 ?
great story, cant wait to see more.
I can never seem to keep interest in a HiE story that starts off with half a chapter or more centered in Earth. From what very little I read, the MC seems a bit OP (mostly based off the story description) but again, I didn't read much. I skimmed through a bit. Didn't look like complete garbage, but the intro is extremely important. If you can't keep someone's attention in the first part, then they're not likely to continue reading. Something to keep in mind.
7046079 To each their own.
Definately looking forward to more of this! Got me hooked good.
7046079
7046227
they have a point though.
still, cool story.
App. four days and two-point-five hours...
Okay I admit the start made me wonder how much for the good, or for the bad, the things in both worlds would change.
I like him already, at first he lookes like a weird kid, maybe even one like those bad crying babys Humans, but he seems pretty much okay for who he is.
However a little bit I´m still affraid at how the timeskip will turn out.
that´s sweet.
Okay I can´t decide if I want him to be a crazy/awesome scientist that is actually a nice guy, but needs Twilight to control him.
the rude type of scientist, that needs Twilight to actually learn how to treat any of her other friends.
or just a scientist, that is still slightly more clever than Twilight, and very useful to Equestria.
I guess with the last point I wanted him to be impressive, but if I like it or not, if he is going to be more awesome in that regard than Twilight, I believe he needs to have a bigger problem with how he keeps others happy and doesn´t make them angry if you know what I mean. I just suddeny have to think about certain Characters I have seen in a few shows.
Oh and of cours I expect him and Twilight to maybe even provoke some funny scenes if you can, without...well if it goes to much in one direction, making him look like a total looser or something like that, then I would say something.
It's cute because I image them to be very little/young.
Oh man that was awesome in a way, I mean I loved it, and I got used to his personality pretty fast (him as the main char).
However at the same time I didn´t knew I would read the whole chapter at once, and well it took an hour or so. Let's just say I didn´t really had the time for that tonight.
I won´t mind chapters half as long as that for now, or honestly if they are coming faster I only need around 2.000 - 3000 words.
It would be perfect if it would be at least 3.000 words per chapter.
7054212 Great feedback, one of the best I've received in a while.
What did you mean by this?
Also, I'm planning on making the next ones over 5000-6000 words. I realized how long fourteen thousand is and how much effort I'm going to have to put in to consistently grab the attention of the reader. Thanks for affirming my theory that the chapters need to be smaller :)
Overall, I appreciate how well-thought your comment was.
7056019 Funny really, I actually had that in mind before you mentioned it XD
Though I'm going to have to remove that comment because it might be an actual spoiler
So when's the next chapter?
Interesting start! Star-crossed super-geniuses!
A few capitalization errors here and there... and this:
I'd change this to, "After I shook my head, she began...". Though as it is it creates an hilarious mental image.
7058121
Oh, thanks for the heads up.
7056850 either 1 or 2 days from now
7058308 Yay!
7056034 that´s okay, at least your so nice to tell me about it.
Sorry for the unpublish, I realized a major flaw in the second chapter, allow me to fix it for a moment
GRAW!!! When''s the next one coming out? It's so good!
7064250 What was the flaw, because i read it before you unpublished it and i don't want to go and reread it
Edit: PM if you don't wanna say it in the comments.
For someone so smart our mc sure is a dumbass.
7066637
-I'm assuming you meant the event that occurred in the second chapter.
If it is, then.
Yes he definitely is XD, but I guess love is something you can't just diagram in an excel worksheet or find some absolute formula to. It makes you...do things you don't normally do. (I'm speaking from personal experience here
)
Well, I don't know what to say really. First thing first: I really like this story. Reasons? Good things which I prefer to see is in there and they are: Nice and long chapters, the main characters presentation is awesome and those pictures in the storyline that makes it flow even better. That really makes it unique.
I felt a bit disappointed after this second chapter (was it that?). Well maybe it isn't really disappointed feeling, maybe another thing and that probably is the word unexpected. Yeah, to me maybe that is what describe it the best.
I really expected a nice, surprising and sweet reunion at the end of this second chapter, or maybe in two part and in the third chapter but the thing is that that stupid Alicorn amulet just spoiled it all.- at the moment
It is not a negative point or anything like that, just the fact that in the middle of the second chapter I wanted to see a different ending as I said.
BUT I think you TimesX can make a better thing out of it, what I can't really see at this point. ;)
Please keep up the excellent work. This one definitely deserves more attention.
7088385 I appreciate the feedback, probably more than I usually do (which is I bothered to reply even if it was just to say that)
and the reason why I didn't place the reunion at the second chapter was because it would have over 10k words, which others seem to have a problem with (But its a good thing you don't, that's rather my style).
So when's the next bit coming out?
7108021 Haha, it's Hell Month(that's what we call it in our college) right now so I can't find the time to finish the thing. But I'm halfway through, and in maybe one or two days it'll be out.
7109247 Sweet!
derpicdn.net/img/view/2012/10/2/111697__rarity_suggestive_glasses_blood_nosebleed_artist-colon-nyoncat.jpg
Me while writing the third chapter.
I hope they don't put him in jail for killing those guards.
HA! Sweet timing there Rare! I can't wait for the next chapter X! It's really looking good there!
YES!!! CANT WAIT FOR NEXT CHAPTER!!!
7115987 He stated in the beginning that tey were all unconscious. with the possibility of severe wounds.
7116032 Oh sorry when you said that the carpet was darker red I thought they actually all died, sorry my mind was being stupid.
I don´t exactly like it that I didn´t noticed this chapter and have to read it right now, but I like it and.....kill him, kill Flash Senty
7116056 I at least thougth that maybe Luna had lost a lot of blood too.
I hope they don´t just hate him for everything, and give him the benefits of doubt. It seems Twilight told them about how they met and it seems they even found out about the amulet. I know it didn´t happened in this story, but I could use to read something else, than a great amount of bad time that is happening to the Human in a story, at least it often happens to fast.
At first I thought of Kingdom Hearts after I heard the music, but then again I liked it how much you went along the lines of them having sex, while interrupting it with a funny moment (Rarity), but I'm not exactly sure if I really understood how she meant the "brave part", I assume Twilight is the first with a Coltfriend. Well I wouldn't complain about such a sexscene later, but I wanted to say that I don´t exactly felt like it needed to be right now, and was really happy with this chapter.
Because of the music I could feel a bit like they would really love each other, but if the story should really went the way I suggested partly in one of my earlier comments, then I guess it has his tender, but fun moments.
Lets see a show of hands of people who've ever had a similar situation. Getting hot and heavy with your significant other and getting walked in on. *chuckles and raises hand.* Nothing sucks more, and is later more funny than that happening. Lol.
The writing is good and draws the reader in and the grammar is a non-issue; or if it is, I couldn't tell as your storytelling was on point. I appreciate how you didn't go all out with the smut just after they meet, besides the tension-breaking scene where Rarity interrupts, it seems very normal after all that time the release would be...shall we say, unrestrained. Again, genuinely interested to where this goes. I think that the way this is written is a bit of a rarity on this site, it just has a feel of different to it. And different on this site is a good thing, especially since so much of the subject material is similar. Good show!
-F.G
This thing screams "Gary Stu."
I'll admit, I thought I wouldn't like August at first, but he gradually grew on me. Same can be said about the story. I turned out to be more enjoyable than I initially expected, and I'm looking forward to how it progresses from this point on. Of course, this doesn't mean I don't have peeves with him. Only two (and one with Twilight).
I'm surprised that he wasn't more interested in the parallels in language and even nomenclature (speaking English and even using the same word for apples?) Not a social scientist I suppose. Second point is... how did his GPS work? Aren't those normally dependent on outside sensors relaying information to them? Minor issue which can easily be explained by what the device might be (though, handheld rift detector?). Lastly with Twilight; how is August Winters a weird name? Perfectly fits into pony naming conventions.
Anywho~ The two of them putting together and making up a spellcraft framework? I wonder how much they just advanced equestian magic by? It does seem to let a pony tailor pre-existing spells to better fit their own inclinations. Even if Twilight being clever severely cut down on the build time. And how would it affect the canon storyline? Early alicorn amulet is one thing, but would the Rainboom still cause the spell to go haywire? Again, things for the future.
Wait... how are there GPS coordinates without orbiting satellites to provide reference? And is NASA privately owned in this setting?
I'm disappointed with this chapter. Not the writing, it was pretty good. I like his motivation since his encounter with Twilight, and I'm impressed with his develops. Very impressed. With little else to go on than the conclusions he got from a few hour long discussion with a filly, even if it was an admittedly brilliant one. Technically those are all prototypes. He's never really had a subject to test it on. Though I'm surprised he held out half a hour against multiple guards.
The conflict between the guards seemed... contrived. Strange critter appears? Tie it up? Why start hostilities with what could likely be a neutral party? Not to mention you were told to monitor it for abnormalities, not hostile... not to mention that jump to 'stalking the princess'. Her colours aren't exactly unique. Final issue, 'it'? Why? Equestria has about twelve different sapient species. One with a single member know, one with only four members known. Feels like forced conflict.
Luna makes a rather... impressive entry though. I mean, blowing off the roof? Really? She must really like stimulating the local construction economy. And really? Implanted the alicorn amulet? Not put it in a device to draw the magic out? Granted, I'm also wonder how he could figure out how to drain the corrupting elements with the limited knowledge of magic he had working with.
Of course, most of this could have been avoid if he started with 'I'd like to see Twilight' rather than keeping silent and deciding to start fighting...
The feels. Too much.
7130033
And Twilight isn't?
7144570 No, she had to earn her knowledge, and had many faults to compensate for it.