Damaged
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Damaged · 6.6k words · 51 3 · 1k views
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Damn. Dayum.
That was pretty fucked up right there. The Cult of the Unspeakable Pinkie Pie (I swear it's not just me) approves. 
For some reason I can't thumbs up on this story. Not sure why but that comes up a lot. Just lettin' ya know. Tried to click thumbs up, wouldn't let me.
No typos ^_^
*****
Hmm... Queen Fangs will be a tough nut to crack.
The tone is a little more bleak than your other works, but it's still well worth reading in my opinion.
Thank you, as always, for your hard work and for sharing it with us!
Two chapters in and already you've garnered my following. Shame on you, I already have so much to read!
6958285 I am so sorry :(
You can blame John Scalzi. I picked up his book, Lock In, to read. I got 90 pages in and I simply cannot continue.
"Said" is the most common word in his book. He said. She said. I said. On page 90 I found three lines in a row where the word lined up perfectly and, even though it had a compelling plot I had to stop. I had been bulldozing my way through it, thinking 'oh, they are a new author, give them a break!' He has been writing for over 10 years, the book was printed only a year ago.
So, I have more time to write, about an hour a day. If I can't read, I write. I am like a hard drive with a compulsive disorder!
6956066 To be completely fair, all but the last section was already checked over by you
6956056 It works, it just doesn't show anyone but the author until at least 10 votes have been cast :)
6955948 And yes, I am exploring what Chrysalis could become, if she goes further down the dark path of a changeling queen with no care for anypony but their hive.
No typos that I could find. ^_^
*****
Queen Fangs strikes me as similar to an elder vampire in mentality... in as much as one can speculate about a fictional creature.
This remains a very interesting story and I'm eager to see where it goes from here and what ultimately happens to Sally.
This is so fucking metal.
a interesting look at the changeling life. I like it.
6956056 it's because there aren't enough ratings yet. Once ten or more have happened, the numbers will show up.
Yes, Sally seems to be adapting well to her position. Not ever going to be totally free, but eventually they won't need to actually chain her....
Keep going! ;)
6961851 As one of my favorite misquotes goes, "your command is my wish..."
6961886 That only makes me think your bite is my itch.
beside here were - beside her were
*****
Couldn't sleep tonight and this must be my reward.
If this were anywhere but Equestria, I can't see this ending well for Sally no matter which way things go. Even in Equestria her knowledge and cooperation could lead to Queen Fangs' hive becoming a direct threat to the pony nation in a way that Chrysalis could only dream about.
I'm interested to see what kind of story this will turn out to be, and I'm enjoying each chapter as they come.
6961951 Well, with that promise, and Queen Fangs certainly seems to uphold her promises once made, ponies are safe
6961922
So she's essentially a probationary Lieutenant? At least she'll be happy for a time.
With her ingenuity she will allow the Fang hive to rise in power. If she plays the cards right, this could actually be a good thing...
Keep going! ;)
6962931 The problem is, the cards are playing her and every one of them is a trump card.
Sally's new knee had - Sally's new knee-brace had
words using that word - redundant word use. Strange coincidence that I pointed this same typo out in Mr. Silver's story today.
stop it feeling - stop it from feeling
*****
This story is fascinating. I have no idea where the narrative is going, and yet I am still captivated, which is awesome.
Farther and farther down the rabbit hole she goes. Maybe she should change her name to Alice.
Arguably, it is still Stockholm Syndrome. She threw in her lot as a direct result of her treatment and what she had to do mentally to cope with that treatment. That they might have, under different circumstances, still thrown in together does not negate the genesis of their relationship. Of course, I am not a psychologist so this is only my half-informed opinion.
6964399 I don't really know where it is going either. I keep thinking up more situation and then I ask Sally what she would do. She isn't very happy about some of the things I came up with, but then, I can outrun her.
And yes, it is still Stockholm. Sally isn't a psych either :)
Thanks for the typo fixes :)
Ingenious knee brace. That can't have been planned...
Nothing is completely impervious, but the process of removal is likely not worth the further damage that would be caused.
Keep going! ;)
6964864 Sharp Mind is a more clever pony than I am. She figured out how the knee bent, how it was meant to bend and how to make it so the weight wouldn't be on the knee when it would bend.
Eh, at this point it wouldn't add anything to the story. As she said herself, it was mostly to find out where the line was, and for now that's enough.
It sounds like she's making a good first-iteration A-team, but to what end? Surely they'll move past training and drills and start doing missions?
Keep going! ;)
forming and - forming, and
awake she - awake, she
track Sharp - track, Sharp
she head - she heard
weight baring her - weight bearing her
sounded a impressed - sounded
aimpressed*****
The path that your story is taking continues to pleasantly surprise me.
I hope this new twist to the story does not cause too much friction between Sally and Sharp Mind. Sweet Bite is pretty much a living want-it-need-it spell...
With regards to adult content/sex scenes - I don't mind, and you have handled it tastefully this far. As long as you're happy writing it and it does not interfere with the narrative, you'll hear no complaints from me.
Still, I wonder to what end all this training will come, they are far to the south of Equestria, perhaps they will use their new skills to move against other changeling hives or the griffons.
6965522 Typos enslaved!
In the past, I have written stories that have had no sex, and others that have had it at least one page in four. While this isn't going to be the latter, if I think plot is going to happen (real plot) during such a scene, I will not hesitate from it, then.
So in this chapter got some some love and war, so to speak. I'm about leery of where this might go.
did similar - did similarly
two biggest enemy busy - two biggest enemies busy
I saw before the others as a sixth bird we hadn't noticed - Slipped into first person here.
*****
I liked the way this chapter turned out, as well as all the character development.
Some random thoughts I've had while reading:
I've really been hoping for Sweet Bite to be, well, truly sweet, and praise to you for making such endearing characters with less than saintly motives.
You'll hear no complaints from me if this story stays away from dark, jealous, and angst ridden places, but if that's where it's going I'll keep reading anyway.
6967311
In this case the motto seems to be - "Make war, then love."
6967655 Nopony is perfect. Not me and certainly not the changelings in this hive.
Thank you for helping with the typos, as always, we will see they are fed into pods and drained to feed the hive.
hive not - hive, not
they both enjoyed - they had both enjoyed
earlier she - earlier, she
*****
I'm not certain if Sharp or Sally is speaking here.
*****
Still enjoying each chapter as it comes out. You've really been prolific of late!
This chapter more than any other so far, strikes me as an exploration of desire, bordering on lust:
desire for battle
desire for power
desire for love, both emotional and physical
6968603 Yup, and all coming from various ponies :)
Thanks for the typos, they will make the hive grow strong
I love it, it makes - I love it. It makes
heart started to - heart starting to
that for her mare - that from her mare
*****
Loving and soul searching with a splash of action. It's good writing and great reading!
Hmm... I would have assumed that the green glow was from whatever magic Queen Fangs used to assist Sally in resisting having her mind overwhelmed by changelings from the rival hive, but perhaps it means that she is going more native than anyone could have imagined. That could complicate her relations with Queen Fangs...
6971266 Yay, Fangs kept the typos away while her changelings were out fighting. A few got through, but they will forever be scarred by the encounter
6971266 Ha, I have done it, I have reached the point where I can write faster than you can find typos! I win!
became muscles feline - became muscled feline
as was her arms - as were her arms
had become changeling - had become a changeling
that she scooted out - that she could scoot out
cares about get - cared about would get
next time I would - next time, I would
even bring her fangs - even brought her fangs
slow back. - slow back down.
to listed to - to listen to
*****
The previous chapter was the calm before the storm, it seems.
Sally is racking up more and more complex victories!
The only thing that left me a little confused was that I had no idea they had split the party until after it was revealed that Sharp Mind had been captured. She just kind of disappears in the previous chapter, then reappears here, already captured.
A random thought - Sally has partially taken on the role of stallion in their little herd, and now she carries a sword. Symbolism?
6971418 Thanks again for the typos.
I added a little to the previous chapter to make their split a little more obvious.
As for symbolism...
clamped fangs - clamped her fangs
devote her to - devote herself to
where she were - where she was
*****
Scent? What is Sharp referring to?
*****
Congratulations on three chapters in a single day, and I hope you are being careful to pace yourself.
Well, we knew it couldn't keep going near perfectly for Sally forever. Nothing good happens without sacrifice and consequences after all. The drama has arrived, but Sally is a fighter, she'll work hard for a good future.
I'm very curious to see how the story will turn from here.
6972186 Thanks for the typos and the encouragement, it is always good to have both.
As for the scent, remember where those fingers had been. The key I have always found, to writing characters as believably sexual in nature, is making sure they had kinks. Everyone has them, but leaving them out of your characters can really make for bland and 'beige' individuals.
6972992
I'll just go back and read those paragraphs again.
Oh. Oooooh...
Where did you come up with the name Sally Gailor?
6973955 Sally was made up. Gailor is a French derived, profession-based last-name. It was, of course, given to families who were in the profession of being prison guards. It is the maiden name of my mother :)
I'm not even gonna be a smart-ass. That was fucking awesome. Three chapters in one day? You are a word machine!
I like the way you played the queen. It showed a real sense of evil and malice, and yet still she was a fair and competent ruler. An excellent contrast to Queen Crysalis.
6974099 I think my contempt of Chrysalis' methods is well documented now. She is a weak queen, her motives are petty, her plans small-minded. Just be thankful it wasn't Queen Fangs who decided to take the pony empire in her jaws, I doubt we would have had such a happy season following that event.
There was two instincts - There were two instincts
slathering - did you mean 'imbuing' here?
herself horse - herself hoarse
Sweet couldn't be - Sharp couldn't be
Fangs hard returned - Fangs had returned
she love had - she loved had
*****
I feel awful for Queen Fangs' sacrifice. Although she is demonstrably not a 'good' pony, she has aspects of her character that are admirable, and she redeemed herself at the very end.
Queen Sharp's rule should be markedly different, I look forward to reading as you explore it... and I'm sorry you had to suffer so much anguish to share this chapter with us. Thank you.
6974248 The typos now weep as well, they were always on Fangs' side. Suffering? It wasn't suffering. I cried because she was, right to the bitter end, fighting with every ounce of her being, she had one last battle in her and though it cost her her life, Fangs won.
I would picture more of a hookah, than a soda, but otherwise perfect metaphor. Gonna crash now because, Ki reasons. It's like 1 a.m. now here.. Seriously; word machine.
leaders throw sprigs - leaders threw sprigs
moved, it the smell - moved,
itthe smellshe would be - she would have
*****
Events seem to be reaching a new stable equilibrium in the hive with Queen Sharp Mind now in uncontested control. After the emotional drain of the previous chapters it was good to catch a breath and recover. Excellent writing!
Changelings with a hoof... fixation. Now there's something you don't see everyday; you've made it feel surprisingly enticing in context.
Moving on to the next chapter for reading and proofing. You're keeping my mind unexpectedly well fed of late!
walk again the drone - walk again, the drone
Sally to slow first - Sally that slowed first
She missed her all - She missed
herallcouldn't be avoided - couldn't have been avoided
*****
This is going in directions I could not have predicted, and it's a pleasant surprise!
Sally still has a steep learning curve to climb with her new and improved body.
Were it possible, I would counsel caution in placing all the troublemakers in one spot unless it were possible to keep a very close eye on them. Usually it's best to spread them out and put them under tight supervision so they never have the opportunity to plan mischief.
Ah, to be evil and in love!
So the natural counter to one hive getting too big is that it starts to fracture and has to split up into multiple before everybuggy kills each other?
6975841 Typos hunted down and put to work in pods. She does indeed have to learn a whole host of things, not only how to just move properly, which seems to be going reasonably well, but she needs to learn things that changelings are either hatched knowing or learn quickly while young.
6975854 There is nothing wrong with a little evil now and again. Fangs showed that in large quantities it can lead to a strong hive and a selfless end.
6976399 Nope, not matching changelings to particular insects at all, not me!
6976399 Isn't that what bees do?