As I sit here on the bed, I have to wonder.
When did my life become a bad comedy? Gazing out through the window, I saw ponies all over the streets, gadding about their business in their beautiful world. A great sky that was bluer than I thought to be possible. The sun's radiant warmth cascaded off of my fur and rolled off of me in waves. Rolled off my fur. Fur, that's something animals have.That's what they were, correct? Ponies. Beings that truly lived and breathed? Probably not so much. I don't believe in God. I don't believe in souls. I don't believe in a lot of things. But, in reality I know nothing about this world. I can keep trying to convince myself, this is fake. With no pony in sight, only myself I'm free to wonder exactly why this is all happening.
Scrape
Glancing back outside, I flinch back as the once beautiful sky I knew had turned several shades darker. A haunting crimson blend
filtered over the sky, bleeding it's unholy light over the surface of the world. The ponies that once filled the streets with such a lively wonderful feeling of the present was now empty. The streets were old now, weeds growing out the cracks of the asphalt. The grass had long dried up, turning into an earthly shade that represented hay.
He -okay?
The feeling of being alone, in this world suddenly wasn't so comfortable anymore. I'd regretted pushing away those ponies, this is scary. This isn't what I want anymore. I could feel eyes watching me, I don't know where from. Glancing back down outside the window, the paving was fraught dried blood.
-suffers from delusions-
My eyes swept the grounds, and I found where I was being watched. There standing at the the gateway to the hospital was a large muscular bi-pedal horse creature. It's body was littered with nails, driven deeply into it's body. It was skeletal, mostly skin and bones, but it was tall- giving off an intimidating feeling. It's head was covered by a burlap sack that was ridden with tears and blood. And funny, more nails. It was a fucking pin-cushion. I'd say living, but I'm not sure if it was dead or undead.
Is this real? This isn't what I wanted, this isn't why I did drugs. Oh god, make it stop...
But it wouldn't stop, there in the distance the figure still sat there- haunting me, mocking me. It was going to kill me, and I knew it. Immediately, I hurled myself off the bed- crashing into the old floor that had been peppered with age and dust. Glancing behind me, even the hospital bed I'd been sitting on was not spared by the wrath of time. Worn out, broken and forgotten. Just like me.
This is your home now.
Was that me?
I don't know.
I heard thousands of whispers, some familiar- Some not. I heard screams, suffering. And I'd brought this on myself. Flinching back, I turned toward the door that once so innocently sat there. It'd been broken down, like someone or something rammed it repeatedly. This place, I couldn't see. There wasn't a light in sight. I could only see what the moon in the window barely lit up. I fumbled, grabbing a stick of wood from the debris. I willed a fire to appear on the edge of the stick- And without disobeying me, it inflamed. I thanked whatever deity out there responsible for this. I stepped over the broken wood, and into the hall way. Glancing around, I'd noted that no- The creature that I'd seen outside was nowhere within sight. And hopefully, it didn't know where I am.
Taking a deep breath, I stood in this dark hall by myself.
Creak
Frowning, I lifted the torch to illuminate the pathway. I could hear the pipes behind the walls being beaten on by something blunt. Not on this floor, but below it.
Is this what you were trying to achieve.
No... I swear, it wasn't. I just wanted, just want to be happy.
Blood concealed the concrete walls with a thin layer, the wall paper had long dried and decayed- mixing with the withered blood that cascaded across the ceiling. I can't figure out how it managed to get up there, but it had. I took a single step- only for a stray breeze to filter on in right from the broken window's hole, blowing out the makeshift torch I'd made.
I'm alone in this dark place, no light. No hope. This is my home now. I huddle into a small ball, pitifully hoping upon hope that whatever this was would just go away.
"Stop..."
But for the love of God, it wouldn't. From the corner of my vision, I noticed something on my cheek.
A hand.
I tried desperately yanking my arms out of confines, but they were firmly tied to the bed frame. It squeaked with protest as I'd begun pulling against the cloth, scrapping into my wrist- hooves. I don't care anymore. Something jabbed me in me side, I swerved my head to the offender, praying that it wasn't the creature I saw outside.
...
It was only Rainbow Jerk, who had a concerned expression on her as she tried to get my attention. Silently, I gazed out the window to find it in it's rightful place. Full of life, and not a hellish reality. But what blurred the lines of reality and fiction?
"Can you untie me?"
"You're not tied, kid..." Sure enough, I wasn't tied down, my hooves were there at my sides. The cloth that had been restraining me was gone. I could feel my mind reeling in the form of a take two from my sudden shift in reality. I fell silent. "What's your name, sport?" What is my name? Max? What if that was fake too? Not knowing how to answer, I gave her the same answer I gave her when we met.
"I don't know." I freely admit, I don't really care at this point. Psychedelics ruined me. I'd say that I was done with drugs.
I truly would like to say that.
There was this... sickening want to get that kick again, to go back. To see what I could find, to feel alive again.
"Doctor Sleeping Pill, do you have any information at all on this child?" Twilight sat impatiently, along with her friend Rainbow who'd found the colt alone. His personality since he'd woken up yesterday had done a completely one-eighty. Where he had been bold, brash, and foul mouthed- generally lashing out toward everything that came near him, he was now silent. Eerily so, Twilight had a hard time being in the same room with him now. His eyes seemed to hold this broken feeling to them, as if he was trying to process reality itself. When he did speak, it was for the essentials. Occasionally, Fluttershy would check in on him. It was mostly Twilight and Rainbow Dash though. They'd taken to watching over the currently not-so foul mouthed child.
"None at all, I'm afraid. We've checked with every agency in the system. There's nothing on him, anywhere. My personal guess was he was kidnapped at birth- but I haven't found any missing child reports. Not even a single court case that may have suggested it was our colt without a name. You saw what happened yesterday, he suffers from hallucinations of grandiose. A few of our staff ran test on him, the results were questionable."
"Questionable?" Twilight inclined in her seat, raising a brow as she listened to Sleeping Pill's rather saddening news. Even Rainbow Dash looked nervous to hear what other grim report he had for them.
"Traces of unknown substance in his system from plants of Everfree where he'd been found. Repeatedly abused, may I add. We were previously guessing it was ingested on accident. After looking it over though, we realized that he'd purposely gone to the forest for the exact purpose of finding these plants to use this effect. This is a case of substance abuse." Twilight furrowed a brow. Rainbow Dash grimaced.
"Why in Equestria would you say that? Do you have evidence?" Twilight rapped her hoof on the desk, rather conflicted betwen checking on the kid, and talking with the Doctor. Sleeping Pill saw this, and sought to ease her worry.
"Please Ms. Sparkle, our staff are carefully monitoring him. He's in perfectly capable hooves. As for the evidence, that actually came from the scene Ms. Dash found him. It's been taken into the sheriff's office and being kept there, as proof. It's a written 'to-get' list with various harmful substance from the forest or from illegal trades that haven't even been reported in Griffon territory. We have no idea where they could have come from. This is a very sensitive case, and needs to be treated with care."
I stared at the disgusting food laid on my plate. A hay burger wrapped up in plastic, hay fries- And the only edible thing, a milkshake. I sourly frowned as I gazed at the haphazard these horses dared to label as food. I nudged the wrapped hay burger with my casted hoof. I'd inquired how my leg got broken when I landed on my head, I was told I'd actually bent it from my awkward landing position. I don't know why I'd ever jump from a large height and expect something good of it to come. I was supposed to be released yesterday, but after my mental meltdown I was told to stay for longer. I hated being alone now. I might find myself back in that place. There was almost always a nurse by my side. We didn't talk, though. I just requested their presence and they'd be nice enough to stay with me.
"Hey kid, you doing alright?" Rainbow no-so-Jerk decided to grace me with her presence. At least it wouldn't be so dreary with her around. Infact, in her saddle she was holding a book.
"I'm fine, what's that?" I rudely pointed toward the book that was innocently poking out the bag. She didn't call me out on it.
"Actually kid, I brought this from the library for you. With Twilight's permission, I mean." Oh, so she brought something for me to be entertained with. The thought pleased me.
"Thank you, Rainbow Dash."
"No biggie, kid."
"Max."
"Huh?" Rainbow Dash cocked her heard slightly, so I tell her once more. This time being somewhat more informative. "My name is Max." Rainbow Dash seemed to mull my name over.
"Max what?" What? Was she expecting a pony last name? I didn't answer her, opting to stare at the book she said she brought for me. I waited for her outburst of anger, but it never came. "Jeez kid, you think you'd have a little trust in me by now." It wasn't a matter of trust. I just can't remember anymore. I didn't say that outloud though, just drew my mouth into a tight line. Rainbow Dash shrugged, then took the book off her side with her teeth and dropped a book into my lap next to my food.
Daring Do was the title of the book. Atleast I had something to do for now. Rainbow Dash slinked over to her side, and sat there peacefully reading her own copy of the book. Apparently, she wasn't supposed to be released for a few days due to hurting her wings. She shouldn't have even been out the hospital when she found me. I appreciated the company, and silently contemplated over yesterday's events.
Tomorrow is another day.
Outstanding work soldier.
Well he is now down from his trip and boy is he scared. I wonder how long he can remain clean now?
Is this a good story? Probably not. Is it a fun story? Hell yeah! Have a fave and a like.
6955676 Was this intended for a different story mayhaps? Because there is no Nightmare Moon in this story so far
I wonder if his human life was actually the trip... *mind blown*
6956224
6955360 A comedy tag is no excuse for bad writing.
Got to love when doctors play detective. "obviously this is intentional substance abuse," says Date Rape Drug with a self-assured nod. "There's no way this 0verly edgy foal who we expect to have been foalnapped to have been forced to ingest drugs. That's just preposterous."
Christ... this story... I want to like it, but it needs a dedicated editor to help iron out all the convenience and in general bad writing. Plus all if the grammatical and punctuation errors.
I'm gonna watch it for now, but the next chapter is gonna be the make or break for me.
6956110 That's... actually not a bad way to look at new stories. huh...
6956598
Tell that to Loony Toons. Or The Muppets.
6957022 Loony Toons is a furry franchise. I never had any respect for it (no lie). Muppets were just boring. Except for those two old guys. Those geezers were comedy gold.
This is hilarious. There are a few grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be hotfixed. You may want to look at getting a pre-reader if not an actual editor for this story, but either way I will keep reading for the humor.
6957784
Fine, then, tell it to Monty Python.
This story slightly reminds me of the game Dementium. Although I never played it, it looked really cool. I certainly like the style.
Max sounds more like a grumpy teenager than an actual adult. I just don't get all the swearing. Do people think that is cool or so?
Those who are on dream like experiences are sometimes unfiltered as to their speech choices. Still a great story, but the shock value will wear off in time and the integration process will begin. For both sides. Please continue.
6958497 try hate and loathing in las vegas
6961205 Don't you mean fear and loathing in Las Pegasus
6961209
So I'm not the owner of an idea and I don't presume to tell you how an idea ought be shaped or where it ought to go but I'm having trouble. I had a big post here trying to explain why but it always comes off as ... patronizing or just plain ass-hat-ish. And let me tell you, if I'm aware I'm being a giant dick I try not to be. So I'll try to be short. The colt seems like a bad OC. Curved horn, dark eyes and weird hair color all give off a Gary Stu 'I'm special' vibe. Only thing he's missing are wings.
Now, it's a bit early to call it so bluntly because it might pass and such but I'm wary of this main character. I'm willing to give it a go, of course, because it might turn out awesome.
BTW, several paragraphs have been taken out for this comment because, well, Minalkra = asshat sometimes.
I'm not saying anyone's technically right or wrong about whether this story is written well or not, but I can't help but notice people are going a little overboard with the amount of negativity in this story's direction.
I haven't read all or even most stories on fimfiction but I have read quite a few - both good and bad quality. Of the ones that struck me of poor quality yet still had effort the readers were generally supportive. In this case however people just seem to be wanting to dog-pile on the story as though it somehow dissed their mother.
Nonconstructive criticism, in my opinion, is better off not said at all. A snidely worded criticism often exists for no reason other than the speaker to show off to everyone that may read the comment.
6962033 This isn't Deviantart or Wattpad. The people here (in general) won't pull punches when it comes to subpar material.
6963758
6962033
To put it bluntly, if it's shit we will say so.
6964359 Pretty much. It takes a while for people coming from hugboxes to get it.
6964521 I don't even remember why I was looking at this story. I just saw it clicked and looked into the comments. I haven't even thought about reading it yet. Though yeah, at least it's not youtube, with trolls and the keyboard warriors. I'm there are trolls they're just not common.
6963758
6964359
I think you misunderstood what I was saying. I'm by no means implying people should resist vocalizing their opinion of the story or anything. I've seen worse stories on fimfiction though. This one gets more people taking shots at it than most of those. Probably because it's a self-insert.
Edit: Or at least it comes off as a self-insert of sorts.
6965485 A Marty Stu-ish self-insert at that.
Ok so what I'm getting is this
Drugs = ponies
Withdrawals = silent hill
I never see ponies when I do drugs though.
6966528 All we need now are ponies in Silent Hill!
Also:
So dark you can't read the words anymore....
Five Nights at Freddy's 4 reference!
6966528 How do you not?! I see em without drugs! OuTwIth tHe INteStinES! ...
7010417 Why would it be? "Tomorrow is another day" is a pretty common thing to say (I remember at least one song by that title even).
OH REALLY WE NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED
new chapter please, I'm really interessted in what is supposed to happen next, even if I'm already thinking about some bad possibilities.
COME ON MAN I WANT TO SEE THE NEXT CHAPTER WITH AIDS COVERED BASEBALLS BEING THROWN AT PONIES
6956598 Holy shite, for once I find you making a logical point on a story without making 5 reasons which are wrong/don't apply/feels like you want to break the writer's face in half!
6957784
Oh. Well. Never mind. Let me just put the champagne away...
So. This story... It really isn't all that good. It's not that bad either... it's just sort of meh. Whatever. Make more chapters.
I would like to have a new chapter please.