• Member Since 11th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Jun 17th, 2012



An elite team of seven ODST are sent to sabotage a Covenant Super Carrier when things take a turn for the worst: the carrier sets off radiation and jumps into slipsace, sending the seven into an unkown land of Equestria. They are scattered far and wide, with no knowledge of each other's lives. The land is inhabited by talking horses and the seven need to figure out what went wrong and not get banished by the local monarchy by sudden infiltration on her land. They seven also are known to be 'The Squad' and will they get back to New Mombasa and stop the glassing of it?

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 36 )

Actually. The carrier that was above New Mombasa was an Assualt Carrier. Not a Super-Carrier.

755035 *Facepalm* I just knew that I left something out, but onto storywise. Is it good?

Deja vu :derpyderp2:

Yes, I think it's good. Sorry about pointing that out. I just thought you should know. Good story.

A fairly decent story but there are places you could improve:

1. Some of the grammar is off, you might want to re-read the chapters a couple times before submitting.
2. The dialog can be extremely awkward at times and does not seem realistic as to what would happen.
3. A lot of the elements are over exaggerated and this makes it too obvious what you are trying to say. This gives the story a feel of 'telling' about the various characteristics of the characters rather than 'showing'.

I can give you a more in depth analysis with examples from your story if you want, but this is what I found wrong in genera.

756863 Your feedback is appreciated, I will make sure to remember that when I have time to add more chapters. I'm just a bit rushed since I have my college exams and I need to make sure I pass, it's a lot of stress.

heh, dont say end of chapter (chapter #) it disconnected me from teh story, and possibly many others. :pinkiesad2:

could be better, everything is happening at too fast a pace, take it slower. also, use time stamps/skips if you have to save time/shorten the chapter. :twilightsmile:

ill add it to my watch later just in case if it does get better

The Spartan Laser: A laser pointer on super-steroids and wearing MOJLNIR armor. Perfect for killing everything.

761430 That was the most bad-ass PowerPoint presentation. Of all time.

A self insert that's... good? Dafuq?

Applejack's hat is a Stetson.

fucked beyond recognitions was dare's pod


Good story so far, but my problem is more with the Halo History you have. if this is after Mombasa Those should be brutes, not elites. The elites fell from the covenant's grace around halo 2 and especially during ODST (which took place between 2 and 3) where large groups of them could be found as corpses in a few levels of the game. From that point (though more around halo 3 onward) Elites have been considered as an ally race to humans. only if this past halo 3, if it's just past ODST then just replace any elites with brutes.

May be geeking out but getting the history right counts too right?

You do know that Apple Jack wears a Cowboy hat right? Anyway, this is awesome so far. All you have to do is listen to the other member's advice and this will be the best crossover I have read so far! :twilightsmile:

Its like hes writing this out of my mind

Everyone, this is LightningBolt on a different account. I made this one because LightningBolt has been unavailable due to me forgetting the password, if you know how to reset a password for fimfiction, let me know so I can get back to writing more parts for my stories.

This has a better story than mine so-far but i think it's a little worse written

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U6-EP_OdtzQ&feature=channel&list=UL) < Listen to this for full effect
mlkshk.com/r/DBLT mind blown

Is the story going to continue on? I really enjoyed it so far.

“To me, and they’re not going to like what they here!” should be "hear"

"I’m violently wounded" should be gravely or badly or something like that.

this has potential try to continue it.

i wonder what will hapen next XD

I see where the story is going here, but the pacing is lacking, and you need many more details

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