• Member Since 19th Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen 25 minutes ago

Opium4TmassS


Klaatu barada nikto =^.^=

Sequels1

T

The great and reformed Trixie has put the pieces of her life back together. Once again she is performing and gaining the respect she has always wanted. Until a series of catastrophic events, headed by the mad knight Sir William De Molay that will change her entire world.

The sequel is out now check it out:Sir William and the Broken Alicorn

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 6 )

A Don Quixote type goes after the mane six. It was a funny little story. If it were me I'd keep it on the back burner for when you want to do another silly sort of adventure story. There are plenty of shenanigans those two can get into and it could honestly be fun to see just what that might be.

Obviously keep working on what you want to work on but, don't forget about this pair. We all need more silly fun adventures.

6956424
Thank you I'll do that.

It was quite the abrupt ending. But have an upvote, it was fun.

6972173
Thank you for the comment. When I wrote this it was just and idea I wanted to see how it would do. In a short time Ill probably add more chapters to it.

This looks like a very amusing story, but I just can't get through it. There are just so many errors. If I may...

"Here you go meester." said the young pony

Should be a comma after "meester" and before the end quote.

"My mum says

What accent does this kid have? "Meester" sounds like it might be Spanish, but "Mum" sounds British. Can't figure out how the character is supposed to sound.

The gold bit the young filly gave, glittered in the early morning sun as it was thrust into the knights hoof.

Unnecessary comma followed by a missing apostrophe.

The child stood there licking her candy, staring at the pony in armor with huge vacant eyes that usually happens when a copious amount of sugar is ingested by one so young.

Should be "happen," or, better yet, "occur."

And all of that was in just the first paragraph.

There are several other mistakes of note, like the fact that the child identifies herself as Morning Dew, but then her mother calls her Mountain Dew. Or that you kept switching between calling the squire "Aurora" or "Rosewater." It got confusing until we finally found out her name was "Aurora Rosewater." That would have been good to know much earlier.

All in all, I can see this as being a potentially humorous tale, but I think it needs some heavy editing. The errors are way too numerous to be ignored and they really distract from the story, no matter how good it might be.

7043747
Thank you very much for the criticism. Yes I do need to go back and edit my story.

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