Becoming Whole
“I don't want to complain... but this feels a little wrong,” Vanilla said softly. He was speaking into the ear-analogue on Double's head as they lay together in his bed. Since the resolution of Double to embrace her impending death they had taken to evening days together, in his room. They did not engage in carnal activity, though both had talked about it. They simply held tight, Double's smooth, cool back against Vanilla's warm and comforting front. He kissed at her ear-analogue and rubbed at it with his snout. “I can't feel comfortable with being your executioner...”
“I know. Maybe I want you in pain while I'm afraid,” Double said, with a half-hearted laugh. “Maybe... I just want all your love. Maybe I hope that this is also stealing it, as long as you're reluctant about giving it to me maybe it won't be the end of me...” She looked down at her good leg. The holes were notably smaller. She heaved a sigh. “But it's not likely...”
“What was the actual legend?” Vanilla asked, pulling Double tighter against his body.
“She told it to every group of Changelings, every bunch of buzzing drones and workers... 'No creature could ever love you. Your right to be loved was taken away long ago. You are parasites. We are parasites. The holes are the mark of what we are. Empty through and through. If some damaged, pathetic little creature ever pours their heart and soul into you, gives love to the shining blackness of your shell and empty blue of your eyes, your holes will close, more and more. You are getting what should be stolen. You are being punished for your insolence. And in the end, when the last hole closes, when the last of what you are vanishes, you will be no more. You will die. And none will shed a tear for you. It is culling the unworthy.' She was not... kind.”
Vanilla squeezed all the tighter, and could almost feel his love flowing into Double. But he wasn't feeling the flu-like symptoms she had described when love was siphoned out of a pony. He was replenishing what he gave her. Or something like that. This was something for an egghead to figure out. “She's nothing like our Princesses, that's for sure. I want to prove her wrong by loving you more if that's possible... and killing you faster. She'll always win this game, won't she?”
“This game is her arrangement. She will have her will. Culled by her hoof or by this legend's conclusion. I would imagine if I came back she would know... and if I did not die she would make me aware every moment I remained alive that she was right and that my nature was fixed,” Double sighed, tilting her head back to rub her snout at Vanilla.
Vanilla rubbed back and kissed at her. “The waiting... I don't look forward to your death but I wish it wasn't so drawn out.”
“I think that is the other aspect of her game. Knowing it, having it in the back of our minds, it's a constant torture. She was never kind, but I never knew how cruel she really was,” Double said, shivering softly and curling up a little bit.
Vanilla curled up right along with her, a blush darkening his cheeks as the posture became a trifle more intimate. It was not at all unpleasant. The feel of her body beneath him, taking in his warmth, his comfort. Like any unicorn he was far from strong, but she was asking him to be her support, to hold up her whole world. “I want to be kind to you, Double Dealing... I want to give you all the kindness you were ever denied...”
“Vanilla Torte...” Double whispered, tears gathering in her eyes, “I have indulged with other ponies, part of my disguise. Marriage beds, marefriends, cotfriends, I've had them all. But none of them ever said my name... my real name... I never knew it could mean so much...”
Double and Vanilla made love while they both cried. They couldn't have stopped themselves if they had wanted to. It lasted for hours, and they never stopped whispering kind words to one another, with Vanilla using every honest bit of flattery that came to mind. Double started off with shallow compliments of Vanilla's technique, but found that wasn't necessary. She needed only say his name and he was content.
Late in the night, when they were finished, Double could feel Vanilla resting on her. He was not asleep, like other stallions might have been. He seemed to be waiting for her to fall asleep. That touched Double deeply. What she could also feel was an uncomfortable itchy feeling over every one of her holes. She couldn't see in the darkness but she could tell they were getting smaller.
'Making love' was apparently a very literal term. She could see how it worked, the feeling had certainly been strong. She had felt it flowing through her, further choking the silenced emptiness in her. It had happened organically, an outgrowth of Vanilla's genuine slow-grown love for her.
The fate facing her may, in fact, have been inevitable all along. They were a perfect pair once they allowed themselves to be. Every day she stayed there brought more chances to become his, and for him to become hers. It was unsurprising they had become twined around one another. They had a lot in common.
Pressure and expectation had softened them up to become a pair. She was rather lucky to have found him; she could have easily landed in the control of a pony who was more politically and socially aware, and could have seen through her story, or a pony with less patience who would have sent her out. She could never have been found, dying inch by inch in the mud.
Even if she was doomed she was better off with Vanilla. If death was the only option in the end, she had found a much better way to go than any of the other manners. Losing her life at Vanilla's side, surrounded by love and adoration for her real self, was certainly a kinder way to go. If she ignored the final outcome, the path to it was certainly more than she had hoped for out of life.
She snuggled more comfortably against Vanilla and gave him a last little kiss on the neck, her fangs sliding against him, as they always did. As she slowly drifted off to sleep she tried to think of how long she had. She wanted to savor every last minute she had left.
- - -
“So... how far have they closed so far? Are they worse today?” Some time later. The clock was forever ticking behind everything Vanilla and Double did, and one thing was always on their minds. Vanilla was sitting in his chair, half-heartedly reading one of his Daring Do books, while Double lounged in the main part of the house.
Double was silent for a long moment, awkwardly shuffling around on three legs, before she said, “So I was thinking, tonight I can make dinner. I learned how to imitate competent cooks and such...”
“Hiding it from me just makes me realize it's bad. We both know they're not stopping,” Vanilla noted, putting the book aside. He should have been liking it. The romance was getting sweet.
“I just don't want to tell you. It's not a good conversation for the middle of the day. It's barely an acceptable conversation for the end of the day,” Double said with a soft huff.
“You don't have to hide it from me. You know I measure them while you sleep,” Vanilla said, making his way into the main room, to Double's incredulous look. “Oh come on... you must have known I would...”
The look fell a short while later and Doubled sighed. “I did. I expected you would. You probably have a chart and projections about how long I have.”
“No, no... complex mathematics were not my strong suit. I'm not a thaumatic engineer, I'm a chef. I do fractions and multiplication, not... whatever weird hoodoo is needed to figure out something like that,” Vanilla said, coming up to give Double a squeeze.
“But..?” Double asked, peering into Vanilla's face as she returned the squeeze.
Vanilla looked aside. “A very rough and probably very wrong estimate says... a week. Very close to when the doctor is coming back to see about your leg and take the cast off.”
“I guess it always was inevitable,” Double said, giving a bitter laugh right after. “For the longest time I've been considering that this might have been an accident or it might have been fate. Meeting you, you in particular, was too improbable. Had you found another Changeling or if I had found another pony things would have worked out poorly. We were always supposed to find one another. I was always supposed to leave after that span of time. I thought I would fly away to the swarm. I guess I'm still leaving, in a different way...”
“Don't talk like that. We need to... stay positive,” Vanilla said, throwing himself over Double's back and resting over her in a perpendicular fashion.
“Why? I used to be so good about being a liar but I've found that the truth works better. I'm not going to start lying about this. I'm dying, Vanilla. And our being positive doesn't stop it,” Double said, without malice or excitement.
“Even ponies can lie. Little, happy lies. Saying you think a meal is fine when there's too much spice and salt. Saying you think a hat is festive and colorful when it's a garish mess. Things to smooth over the little bumps that don't need to exist. The little matters of conflicting taste that don't matter. I know this matters but... can't we have a happy little lie about this too? Just once?” Vanilla asked, voice starting to break near the end of the speech.
Double broke one of the primary Changeling ideals with her next breath. She was being offered the chance to lie and get away with it. She opened her mouth and said, “No.”
At that one word Vanilla started to cry, his body lightly twitching as he lay on Double's strong back. “I didn't think so... I don't really know if I actually would have wanted it. I love your honesty, I have since I first got it. But we could have had some happy, positive thoughts for the time being.”
“I would have loved it. I would have taken a cheeky, silly delight in lying, maybe even giggled about it in forgetful moments. And I could have pretended very well that things were fine and that we could enjoy ourselves. But much as it hurts us it's better this way, we can prepare for it,” Double noted, reaching back to softly stroke Vanilla's head.
Vanilla took the opportunity to look at the remaining holes in the hoof. The small ones had already closed up tight. The larger ones were already looking like the smaller ones. Increasingly it was looking like a solid pillar of black. The other legs were the same. And her wings looked less ragged as the holes around the edges and in the main structure closed. “I don't need to measure today. We never should have been intimate last night...”
“I will never complain about that. You're a chef, you should appreciate how well you mix lust, love, desire and just a hint of regret. It is a truly delicious combination. It's really... to die for,” Double said, giving a very soft, but very real, laugh. “I swear... that started as an accident. Then when I started I couldn't stop.”
Vanilla gave a short, breathy puff of a laugh and shook his head a little. “I believe you. I don't mind. If we can't ignore it then let's draw a happy face on our fears and make something out of them, something more than a looming fate.”
“I can do that. A lot of what it means to be a Changeling is to get yourself able to wake up and work when the boss is grim and the work can be unkind. I can find a hundred reasons to live and be happy here. They'll keep things positive for how much longer I have left on that 'live' part,” Double said, with another soft laugh. “Grim humor. Surprisingly, it helps.”
“I'll just keep loving you. I'm a little better at ignoring that I'm the one that's killing you slowly,” Vanilla noted with some good cheer.
“Slowly, softly, kindly. I wanted it on my own terms and I like these terms. They suit me. They seem to suit you too. Don't worry. Changelings don't believe in souls. I won't hold it against you. We're a void, so we just get filled in when we die. At least, that's what Queen Chrysalis always told us,” Double said.
“And now you're getting filled in before... I... think I'm no good at grim humor,” Vanilla said, screwing up his face in disgust.
“Actually, that was just right. Pithy, true, with a little comedic edge and timed just right. I'm sorry I have to go. We really are made for each other,” Double said, reaching back to stroke Vanilla again.
“If we were made for each other, either I'd go when you did or you wouldn't go at all,” Vanilla noted, finally moving himself off of Double's body so he could snuggle up with her, rubbing his face slowly against hers.
“You need to stay. I won't actually be an empty void if someling... somepony remembers me. It's more than any Changeling can hope. I trained myself to forget friends and acquaintances that were culled. Remembering them would have given them meaning, but carrying around the pain would have been too much. Now, though... I really wish I had remembered,” Double sighed, placing a leg around Vanilla, drinking in his warmth and his love.
“I'll remember you. For the rest of my life you'll be on my mind. I'll tell everypony I can about you, everypony everywhere. Even if the Changelings are remembered mostly as a failed invasion force... they'll know one had a name, and that she was the sweetest mare that ever lived,” Vanilla promised, indulging in a long, honey-sweet, rose-heady kiss.
Double was fine with that, as the love coursed through her and tingled just a bit at the borders of her remaining openings. The last Changeling with an identity. They would forget her fellow Changelings, and even Chrysalis. But she felt she could trust Vanilla's promise. Somehow, he would make sure they never forgot her.
- - -
'Time's almost up...' Double thought to herself, as she lay beside Vanilla, following another beautiful, long session of making love. The itch in the few holes that remained was fading, but that hardly meant anything. As 'rough and probably very wrong' as the calculation had been stated to be, Vanilla hadn't been far off. She was down to the tiniest pinpricks, and the last bit of lovemaking had likely sped things up. It was her last night.
Vanilla had gone to sleep a while ago, convinced that she had also drifted off. He was so good about waiting for her. She was going to miss that. She was going to miss a lot of things. She had just started learning what it was to live like a pony. If only she hadn't been so eager to say she wanted to die like one. The notion grew less appealing the closer it came to actually happening.
Every day before had been bearable. Because it was in the future. It was something that was to come. It felt less immediate. She always had more time, more time. But there was no more time left. It was the end. She would have to face up to whatever horrid death awaited a Changeling without holes. She didn't feel markedly different, but that meant nothing. It could hit at any moment.
She wasn't relieved, but some of the edge came off of her worry. She could at least focus on more immediate things, like how she could say goodbye to Vanilla. She had been doing all she could to make him happy and make sure he remembered all of who and what she was. She had not done anything to properly prepare him for her being entirely gone.
She could leave him a note. Or a cake. He might appreciate the gesture. She could, perhaps, write out some kind of epitaph and arrange her own funeral. The first Changeling to be given a proper burial. Another milestone from her untimely end. Given how soon it was she could at least have the decency to die in her own borrowed bed rather than ruining his.
“My bed... my room...” Double whispered softly. She thought of the place as hers. It had not been long, in the scheme of things and yet she was feeling a certain possessiveness. She had had no personal effects when she arrived and Vanilla didn't have much to give her besides food. She had the various sheets, pillows... a supply of pills... “My terms...”
The phrase sprang back to mind. Since breaking away from the swarm she had become very good at focusing on her own self and all the things associated with who she was. She had become an individual, not a cog. She had always been who she was but she was no longer afraid to say it and show it. Things were to be on her terms. And most often, death had been the thing most often faced on her terms. So far she had had good luck choosing her own terms. One more time would probably continue the streak.
She slipped from beside Vanilla with all the deftness that her training could provide. Even on three legs she was still a Changeling. She could still slip out into the night, but she did not also have to drag a real pony somewhere nearby. After a moment of hesitation she made her way out of the bedroom and into the spare, to what few things she thought of as hers.
Even being resolved to the idea, she wasn't very quick or enthusiastic about what she had to do. She took her time, paced around the floor a little bit and thought about what she was doing. She was choosing the manner of her end, just like she always had. But not really.
Every prior choice had involved a certain end and an unknown. She had chosen to trust that Vanilla wouldn't kill her. She had chosen to avoid culling by embracing the possible rumor. She knew it was true now but hadn't then. With this final choice she was picking between two certain deaths, rather than gambling on a mystery. She wasn't ready to linger, or suffer. The torment of waiting had been bad enough.
Her horn glowed, opening the closet. The small collection of white pills slowly rose out of the darkness and before her eyes. There was the answer she was choosing. Swallowing them all would smother out not just her thoughts but her life. It would be quick and painless. Appropriate, for pills meant to stop pain. She would be using them as directed, in some sense.
She opened her mouth and dragged the oblong shapes through the air, towards the fangy maw. Before they could arrive she heard a desperate thumping and felt her magic interrupted by an impact. The field released as the pills clattered to the floor. When she opened her eyes she saw Vanilla standing there, panting, one front hoof held out in a position that would have slapped the pills out of the air. “What are you doing? I thought you were asleep...” Double questioned.
“You know I never fall asleep until you do,” Vanilla said, voice a strained, sad tone. “I had hoped you were just going to pace. I got worried when I heard you stop and open up the closet. I didn't know what you had but... why?”
“My own terms,” Double said, flatly. “I go on my own terms, the way a Changeling usually can't. I wasn't willing to just fade out or burn up or flail in screaming agony or whatever fate awaits me when... I wanted to go quietly, painlessly...”
“And without saying goodbye...” Vanilla noted, coming up to Double but stopping before he made contact.
“I got out of your bed,” Double pointed out. “I didn't want to die there and make you have to buy a new one. I thought that was a nice gesture.”
“Are you going to be serious with me?” Vanilla asked, stepping just a bit closer.
“I want to but I have to bleed this fear off...” Double said, sighing and shaking her head. “I'm sorry. I actually had been thinking of proper ways to say goodbye. I was going to leave you a note, or funeral arrangements, or a cake. Something...”
“But you decided to do this instead?” Vanilla asked, looking down at the scattered pills. “Have you just been saving them up?”
“I took a few, back when I first got hurt. I was in actual pain. I found out they work just fine at a half dose, so I hid the extras away, just for appearance's sake. Changeling reflex. I thought maybe I could use them just to relax my mind if I ever needed that. And then, well... here we are, you know the rest of it,” Double said, turning aside and looking ashamed.
Vanilla closed the distance and embraced Double tightly. “You should have said something. I have a stake in this too. If this has to happen... I wanted to be with you to the very end...”
Double rubbed a cheek against Vanilla's, a little smile curling her mouth. “I'd like that. It's a bit less intimidating with you here... but a bit faster in coming...”
Both of them were silent, holding on tightly. They almost could have been dozing, but neither one wanted to miss enjoying what time they had.
Double became aware of a heaviness in her chest, and a throbbing that moved through her limbs. Her eyes snapped open and she looked down at one leg. Solid, not even a tiny poke. It was done. “It's happening...” She choked out, feeling as though a weight was pressed against her.
“What's going on? What are you feeling?” Vanilla asked, eyes wide, limbs trembling.
“A big weight... feels like a big weight is pressing on me...” Double huffed, slowly sliding down to the floor, clutching at her chest and shaking her head. The throbbing grew stronger, surging through her limbs, able to be felt even in her horn. The pressure was beginning to grow unbearable. “I love you...”
“I love you...” Vanilla echoed, holding Double good hoof. He leaned down for a kiss, only to stagger back as Double gave a huff of breath and green fire spread across her writhing form.
Within the envelope of flame things were staying the same. The pressure continued, the throbbing continued, pounding at her temples, feeling like it was trying to beat on her brain. The weight lifted off of her at last and she sucked in a huge, loud gasp of breath. The terrible pressure and throbbing faded slowly as the flames died away, nothing more than normal Changeling magic.
She was left panting, gasping for breath and feeling the last vestiges of her ordeal vanish. She was just staring at the ceiling, a little amazed at having vision. “I'm... alive..?”
“Your... holes...” Vanilla stammered, pointing down at Double's limbs.
They were back, just as large and whole as they ever had been. It was as if they had never even left. Double lifted her good foreleg to her mouth and blew across the hole that had started the whole thing. The sound was perfect. They were back. “What? No... what is this? What happened to me?”
As Vanilla came down to embrace Double, and cry against her neck, Double just continued to stare at the ceiling. She was entirely stunned by several things. Firstly, of course, by what she nearly did. She had almost... only Vanilla's wonderful devotion had kept her alive. But beyond that, there was the other important matter. Something had obviously happened. She had felt it, the heaviness, the throbbing, the pain. That had been real. She closed her eyes to see what else she felt, the lids snapping back open a moment later when she realized what was most different of all.
The void within her. The Changeling's most basic feature, the commonality between them all. She had long since stopped hearing it, at first ignoring it then realizing it had gone quiet when Vanilla had really turned on the love for her. Its silence was a nice change but she could at least feel it there, stuffed. Now... now she couldn't even feel it.
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Good.....goood......gooooood......goooooooooooooooooooooddd.......good :)
So.... what's the bet that Double could become her own Queen now and that's exactly what Chrissy feared?
Before I read, you forgot an obvious pun in the title. It was amended with "to die for."
3223548 I second that bet.
25.media.tumblr.com/1c63b3ba7349f2a9f2572ed3120e209a/tumblr_mt1c0xRFX51szq9juo1_500.gif
Hah, knew it wouldn't kill her.
Now let's see just what all this means...
That is all
You need to change cam to came. Also, that was another exceptional chapter.
An AJ approved story!
I read this chapter with great anticipation as to how it would end. And while the chapter title was a good hint I still had my doubts, thankfully my worries were for naught!
Now I wonder will the next chapter wrap things up? Or something else happens!
I can't wait!
3224570 Damn right love is final! Fuck you Chrissy for thinking otherwise!
this chapter had me, a 21 year old, grown man, in tears, you sir are a literature god
lol I see what you did there.
Oh, i thought something else was gonna happen, i thought she was gonna turn into a pony.
My one problem is that as far as I can recall they never once thought about the fact that maybe Chrysalis was simply emotionally manipulating them.
half-heated. half-hearted.
smaller one. smaller ones.
Tthe. The.
Sigh, now to wait at least a week before we know wtf just happened.
YES YES! YOU DIDN'T KILL HER! NOTICE THAT I'M TYPING LARGE WORDS TO SHOW THAT I'M SHOUTING IN ABSOLUTE GLEE THAT YOU DID NOT KILL HER OFF! ALSO, SORRY COMMENTS BELOW||!
Heh, I was expecting her to turn into a pony, so this is an interesting outcome. I wasn't expecting her to die, because Chrysalis making sure to tell every group of changelings about this, despite how unlikely it was to happen, seemed very suspicious. Clearly she was trying to stop something from happening, but is the loss of the 'void' all there is to it? It could well be: without a terrible hunger to sate there's little point in following a tyrannical Queen. With no need to chase emotions, any changeling could just go live independently, like a pony. Still, I wonder if there is more to the process.
I'm wondering how Chrysalis keeps some of them from testing her word with an explanation like that. I would think at some point she would need one as an example of what happens. Or do they go through with it and then never try and spread the word that she was bluffing? I suppose I would be afraid of what Chrysalis would do to me in that position.
Evolution in a very Pokemon sense. Certainly independence. Maybe power.
How sweet.
Well i first thought that this chapter would be the end for this story, but i've seen the incomplete thingy so fingers crossed for more changeling loving chapters.
Oh and your story rocks.
Methinks she grew a soul from pure love.
This too was a prospective future.
You lose what was a self once you cease to think of it as such. In a most literal sense in this instance.
I shall read on.
Huzzah!!!
I'm so glad you went for the metaphorical death! Very well played sir!
Should be ending. I think.
I don't think Chryssi knows what a legend is.
Oh thank god
Well THAT was overly dramatic. Reverting back to having holes even? Weird.