• Member Since 9th May, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

silverspawn


24, utilitarian, rationalist, effective altruist, writer, vegetarian, atheist, INTJ

T

On the coldest day of the year, Twilight is hosting a slumber party at the library. Only half of the group can make it, but Rarity brings a guest, a cousin whom she has never mentioned before. She seems like a nice and shy pony, but there is something wrong about her, something...

... fragile. Twilight's interest is raised, and as she observes the young mare, she begins to understand what it is that is torturing the poor soul. Driven by sympathy and compassion, she attempts to help her... to heal.

You can think of this as having a full Drama, 2/3 of a Sad, 1/2 of a Romance, and 1/3 of a Dark tag-- as well as an invisible Strange/Symbolism tag.

Features a casual Twilight X Rarity.

Cover Image Source

Chapters (4)
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Comments ( 7 )

Wow, this was great. That is actually a really interesting concept. I sincerely wish this were longer, I'd love to see where this goes. Do you plan on writing a sequel/continuation? If not, would you mind if I used this inner flame concept for myself, or even wrote my own continuation of this?

7078511

Thank you!

I have no plans on writing a sequel. I'm with you, I would like to see this continued, but experience has taught me that I need to feel inspiration if I want to make something that doesn't suck. Wanting it to exist is not enough... though I wish it was.

I'm flattered that you'd want to use parts of this. Go right ahead.

I was asked to review the fic, and so review it I shall.

First - nitpicks. Because they're easy to spot as I read the fic.

Do you think it would be alright if she accompanied us?”
“Everything... as long as we don’t have to keep the door open for longer,”

“So... well, just, keep that in mind, if you will.”

took a higher education

I think there are editing mistakes here somewhere

“I can take care of your cloths

*clothes.

Confusedly

Not actually a word.

"Lynn" is a weird name for a pony.

And... just... don’t treat me like I’m ignorant, okay?

Not the right word to use here. Perhaps "like an ignorant child" or something?

Our story begins in an ordinary city

Personal preference, but this here is literally the worst possible line in any fiction. I hate it with a fiery burning passion of ten thousand super-novas. "our" anything anywhere should be burned off the screen with holy fire. It's not "our", it's yours. Calling something "ours" is making me partial to the work, whereas I am not, and not yet sure if I even want to be, and therefore presumptuous to the point of douchebaggery. Also it breaks the Fourth Wall unnecessarily.
But again - personal preference.

More general review:

Style:
Syle is generally good, though as can be seen above - not perfect. There are a few mistakes that would've been cleared by a very careful editing, and an occasional turn of phrase or word usage could be done better. It is easy to read, bar occasional English problem, it reflects the mannerisms of the characters well enough, so it's generally quite decent.
The biggest problem is, I think, that the fic is essentially monotone. There is a single emotional style throughout, and while it fits the greater theme pretty well, the style should also reflect the local substance, which it does not. This leaves the feeling that everyone in the fic is emotionally dumb, unable to properly react to the things that happen, whether it's talking about who is a better kisser, discussing ghost stories, Twilgiht SUDDENLY kissing a mare she first met five seconds ago, Twilight speaking about suicide, Twilight considering taking an underage pegasus away from her parents via extrajudicial monarchical decree - the emotional subtext is essentially the same throughout.
Note that in the above, there is only Twilight doing things... because no one in this fic actually does anything - everyone else in the fic may as well be furniture for all the plot driving they do.
Last thing to mention - the really uneven chapter breaks - the first chapter being longer than the last three combined is a strange set up.

Substance.
I was... honestly flabbergasted when the kissing scene occurred, suddenly and with no obvious provocation. That is very much OOC for Twilight, I think, and came entirely out of left field, and the lack of reactions from others just made it weirder. It was also entirely unnecessary for any purpose whatsoever, so... why?
The whole development of the situation further, with Twilight implying that she can pull the strings and get Featherfall out of her house without asking anyone also hardly sounds very nice. There at least should be some hesitation, or some discussion.
Baring those weird moments, I think the central idea of the fic - of ponies needing love to survive is a pretty good one, so it's quite interestng. A metaphor for the inner fire is a bit hammered in for my taste, but that's again a personal preference.

What I think is the second biggest weakness of the fic, is the lack of actual plot. there is no conflict, and therefore there is no resolution, things just kinda trail off and stop. It could work in a single-chapter shorter work, I think, but here it just leaves me somewhat confused as to what the author wanted to say, and the beginning-heavy chapter structure adds to the feeling of fic either trailing off or dragging on unnecessarily.
It also looks as if it's a personal issue for the author - call it a wild guess, but I think there is a bit of wish fulfillment, or wishing for someone else that inspired this particular work. By itself it's not a bad thing, but it does show, and that drags the fic down.

So, generally, I think the idea is great, the execution, however is somewhat lacking, and could be done better, even though it's not bad by any stretch of the word.

7537526
Much appreciated!

Do you think it would be alright if she accompanied us?”

“Everything... as long as we don’t have to keep the door open for longer,”

“So... well, just, keep that in mind, if you will.”

took a higher education

I think there are editing mistakes here somewhere

I... where? I don't see it.

*clothes.

Ah, thanks. This is an error which no amount of pre-reading from myself would have found, because I simply didn't know that the word was spelled differently, and spellcheck doesn't find it cause cloths is the name of some fabric or something.

Confusedly

Not actually a word.

Sure is!

A few - or, actually, kinda most - of the problems you pointed out were intentional. That's by no means implying that you are wrong to dislike them - there is no such thing - but let me try to explain. Curious whether you think the reasons make it better or worse.

Primarily, the flame thing is /not/ meant to be a metaphor. I mean, I guess 'flame' is a metaphor, insofar as there is no actual fire, but that's about it. In the story's canon, there is an /actual/... err, thing, that produces warmth and stuff and is required for ponies to, really, do most things. Without it, I imagined it as constantly feeling groggy, or sleep-deprived except that sleeping won't help. It is like a generator powered by love which, if not fueled, stops functioning. That is the sole reason for the kiss - not because anyone is in love or because Twilight wanted it, but because a big surge of affection was required to get the generator running again, and since a kiss is arguably the ultimate gesture of affection, that's what Twilight used. Even if it makes Rarity angry, it'd be worth it.

There is a small scene where Twilight asks Rarity for permission before the kiss and gets it. But it happened without dialogue and might be too subtle to come through.

I, ah, hope that explains it.

with Twilight implying that she can pull the strings and get Featherfall out of her house without asking anyone also hardly sounds very nice.

The idea was that, because of how empathetic she is, she got really, really mad at FF's parents. Remember that a pony in her condition isn't even likely to make it into adulthood, so they were quite lucky not to have murdered her.

"Lynn" is a weird name for a pony.

It is.

You didn't say anything else about chapter 2.5, and I don't just want to state what it could mean, but it was definitely meant to be strange in various ways and not actually part of the story. Rarity doesn't actually say any of that. what Rarity says happens off screen and this is presented instead.

It also looks as if it's a personal issue for the author - call it a wild guess, but I think there is a bit of wish fulfillment, or wishing for someone else that inspired this particular work. By itself it's not a bad thing, but it does show, and that drags the fic down.

:pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy:

:derpytongue2:

:ajsmug:

Okay, more seriously, I think my involvement with MLP is inherently wishfulfilment, and every story I wrote has elements of that. This one less so than most of the others, really. It is, however, really abstract, because my emotions are rather complicated, if I say so myself, so don't take it too literal. I'm generally a happy individual with two wonderful siblings.

7537737

“Everything... as long as we don’t have to keep the door open for longer,”

This is a non-sequitur, it does not follow from the previous phrase. "Everything's fine" maybe?

took a higher education

I don't think you "take" a higher education. You take higher education course or option, but you don't take higher education.

Other things I won't argue. I gave my two cents, and if you think I'm wrong - that's your prerogative as an author.

7539381
Njeh. I don't think you're wrong. I don't think the concept of being wrong applies to art. I was mostly curious if your opinions changed based on my responses.

@The Everything ...
That's direct speech. When real people talk, they have clunky / wrong sentence construction all the time, and I do it all the time in direct speech. I'm sure there are numerous instances in this story. It would be differnt if it was a spelling error.

@Education
You seem to be correct based on a short research. (Also direct speech but this is the kind of mistake which Twilight wouldn't make I think). I'll change it.

7539424

That's direct speech. When real people talk, they have clunky / wrong sentence construction all the time, and I do it all the time in direct speech. I'm sure there are numerous instances in this story. It would be differnt if it was a spelling error.

Reality is unrealistic. The fact that somethings happen in real life is rarely a valid excuse to make something confusing and strange in fiction, unless it's a plot point

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