- Member Since 11th Jun, 2012
- offline last seen January 10th
Gojira123
I'm just a guy from Jersey who likes MLP fanfiction
Gojira123
Joined 11th Jun, 2012 ·
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Alright, I'll just say that I love the concept for this story. I could easily see Twilight doing something like this, and even though I haven't actually seen the movie that this is apparently based on, it's still a pretty cool concept.
The problem that I have with it is a matter of execution. First of all, the chapters are way too short, and nothing really tends to happen in some particular ones. Secondly, it's way too rushed. If you're writing horror or dark stories in general, one of the things that you absolutely must pay attention to is pacing. The events in the story jumped and hopped around way, way too suddenly. Put breaks in the major events. Do something to make it less jarring.
733857 Those are all pretty fair assessments. Honestly, I don't fancy myself a writer of fiction at all. This was that one horror movie I saw when I was way to young, and it scared the hell out of me. It was on TV a few weeks ago and that's what gave me the idea for this story. As far as chapter length is concerned, most of the stories I have read on here and other sites, usually have had chapter lengths of about 1-2,000 words or so. I understand what you mean about pacing, but I felt that if I made these chapters any longer, it would be too drawn out. I also admit, I did want to get the set up out of the way pretty quick. Also, I have a tendency to get bored with long, drawn out descriptive stories, so I guess I'm a little biased as far as that goes. Can this be written better? Absolutely! This was just an idea I felt like trying my hand at, nothing more, nothing less.
733860 Thanks again! I appreciate the pre-reading help. Love the pic, too!
733937
Ah. Believe me, I've had that same thing happen to me. I have a sudden burst of inspiration, and I feel the need to get it on paper. And, with a bit of polishing, this could actually become a lot better.
And, for the record, it's probably best to shoot for about 3,000 words per chapter. It probably sounds like a lot, but it's enough words to give the chapters enough meat, but not up to the point where it gets monotonous. Though, I will say that word count doesn't matter anywhere near as much as what's actually in the chapters.
733994 All good points. I'm actually trying to follow the movie as far as the timeline is concerned, so that's affecting my action beats a little bit. If it makes you feel any better, the chapters that are coming are going to be longer in length.
Having never seen the movie, the concept is interesting for me.
NO, NO NO!!! Go to your room and think about what you did!!
A good adaptation of the story, but it's not something that one should mix with FiM. Specially not the part were you corrupt the characters... You could take it to a more personal way, to show the transformation process.
Good, good. That's more like it!!
I wonder if Twilight will face the same fate as Jeff.
735338 Haha. I was getting to the transformation stuff, but I wanted to do a little bit of set up first. And lets be honest here, its incredibly fun to corrupt these characters. I mean, just look at the image that Krushnazag posted. Its funny because its corrupting! Honestly, The movie was on TV a few weeks ago, and I started thinking about how much Dr. Seth Brundle is like Twilight Sparkle. Then the ideas just kept on coming. I'm working on the next chapter, should be up in a few days. Thanks for the comment though, its appreciated.
750483 Thanks. I'm learning new stuff every day on here! I fixed it.
Jajajaja so close to the movie. I remember de Doc. Being so proud of his museum, and the face of one of my friends getting sick at the time
Let's se how happy is Twilight when her body stars to melt away.
754603 Shhh! Don't ruin it! I'm finding through comments that not a lot of people who are on these sites are familiar with the movie, which is cool, since things have been surprising them. I have a few different directions I'm toying with right now, but I think I'm coming close to a decision about the next chapter. These are going to get longer in length, probably sticking around the length of chapter 7. Thanks for commenting and enjoying the story. I should be posting the next chapter soon.
Loved the movie, except that scene with the fingernails (freaks me out for some reason)
Anyway, love this crossover too. This is actually the second one I've read so far, though this one's much more faithful to the movie
767707 Blast! I thought I was being somewhat original! Haha, thanks for the comment! As I was watching the movie, I thought that most of it could work with FIM, so yeah, I've been trying to follow the movie. I've been working on the next chapter, but I had a busy weekend, so I haven't gotten as much done as I would have wanted. I plan on taking a good swipe today, so it should be up soon.
768532 The other one I've read was Twilight fusing together with a parasprite though. It's called 'Ponisprite' if you want to check it out.
Don't worry about being late, it's your story after all. Rushing things doesn't help, believe me I speak from experience.
And if I may suggest to add a marking or something when you switch between characters? At the start, you switch from Fluttershy to Rarity to Rainbow Dash and so on without any space. If you space them out a with a line it makes reading easier.
Also, I can't see this ending happily. Twilight's gone of the deep end, more so than usually. So I await the next chapter eagerly.
791965 Thanks for the advice. I put a space between the start of the parts with fluttershy, Rarity and the rest. I wasn't sure what the protocol was for that, but the spaces seem to be ok. Thanks again for the review!
Well this I wasn't expecting. How is it gonna help her gathering all of her friends pets? Is she goinna become some sort of super quimera. My God! She will become the next Discord?!
Anyqay great chapter. Nevermind the "delay". We all have thing to do on the other side of the screen. Just don't forget to keep up the good work.
793794 Thanks again for the positive review! I was toying with a few ideas, but I finally settled on where I want the story to go from here. I will be starting the next chapter soon.
Now this I like, going into a whole new direction, yet staying true to the story of the movie.
867953 Thanks! I needed a way to set up the climax, so I thought an adaptation of the deleted "Monkey-Cat" scene would make a nice lead-in. I actually changed up the tags on this, since the rest of the Mane 6 are in it more than I originally thought they would be, so I hope no one minds that.
And then Twilight pushed princess Celestia into the pod and fused with her... Or something. That'd be awesome.
Poor Pinkie though, seeing what's left of her pet like that.
1004702 Haha. Yeah. At first, I just had Pinkie find the fused pets, but I wanted to add a little extra something.
I'm on a military base so TAPS, the song played at military funerals, play at for lights out and it started to play as so as Twilight died. It was creepy and I lost it.
1076876 Wow...that's just....I dunno what that is...damn. I'm sorry if I creeped you out!
1076876 Speaking of music, I actually have been listening to the main theme from the movie while writing the gory parts. I found it really puts you in that mood...
And then Trixie was banished to the moon... FOREVER
Awesome chapter though, is there going to be an epilogue?
1077381 Nope. This is it. I have been toying with the idea of a sequel though....depends on the feedback I get on this one.
1077393 Too bad, mainly because we have no idea how the other ponies are taking to Twilight's death, other than crying their eyes out. It just needs some sort of closure because right now it just stops rather abruptly.
As for a sequel... maybe Trixie got infected by Twilight and becomes like her. Or she tries to replicate Twilight's experiment, to satisfy her grudge with her. And of course, it would fail horribly
But that's all up to you, of course. I greatly enjoyed this story. Could you send me a message if you ever decide to make a sequel?
1077510 You know, it's funny you mention the ending in those terms. The movie originally had a few different endings with epilogues, but they ended up leaving the audience confused, so they decided to end it at the last scene as an abrupt shock to the audience. Basically, after what you had just seen, there is no closure. I do have the sequel plot idea in my head and ready to write, so I may let this simmer, and if I decided to go for it, I will let you know.
734301 It's a very good movie, especially if you like horror. I wouldn't watch it while eating though.
I have started the sequel, "Twifly II" so, if you liked this one, please give the next one a shot!
Very interesting! Can't help but feel bad for Angel though
1324060 Haha. Glad you like it! I didn't really feel sorry for Angel when I was writing it, though.
Twilight is already somewhat familiar with Luna, and it just doesn't seem right for Celestia to be referring to Luna as 'my sister', rather than 'Luna'. It suggests a bit of detachment.
2099195 ok.
2194968
I HAVE to see this movie!
2545295 It's actually a very good film. Just don't watch it while eating, 'cause it is GORY as hell.
JOY TO THE WORLD, ANGEL IS DEAD! DEATH BY SCIENCE
2099195 A thousand years will do that to you.
2882381 SCIENCE MOTHERFUCKER!
Squeeeee...
2545321 I like gore and hell. Hell is where the smart people are at.
2888052 YEAH!!!
GO SCIENCE!!! but dont hurt fluttershy or.... I WILL KILL SCIENCE!!
You killed Angel! I already like you but....
YES! That lil prick died! Thank you so much for that. AND HE DIED IN PAIN!!!!!
3082481
3083580 Haha, yeah. I'd like to tell you that I felt bad, but...nahh, not really.