• Member Since 3rd Dec, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Thursday

Father Pie

I never close this tab. So that means I'm on 24/7, usually.


Sunset hates Valentine's Day, it's a constant reminder of her loneliness, that hole in her heart that loves being filled with useless junk, if only that useless junk could be a permanent solution.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 10 )

I genuinely shed tears for this one. Good job.

Wow... Just.... Wow

Aw now im sad :raritycry:

This one is going to my faves.

Have you gotten inspiration from "Daniel gabits"(I probably spelled it wrong) or is this just 100% you?

6960202 I've no idea who that is, so yeah, 100% me.

I...I...I..have no words, this ship is my entire heart. Never in my thirty years have I found a better couple..but this fic...makes mine look like trash. Amazing pure..amazing

I like your style, it actually scarily reminds me of my style when I started writing. Even the almost-inappropriate-but-completely-PG-13 implied liaisons in the flashbacks.:pinkiecrazy:

The overall storyline is very simplistic - predictable to a T - but you allowed for some wiggle room by splitting it up between present/past and that made it a lot more interesting. That said, the plot isn't engaging: it's possibly even a cheap tear-jerker tactic, though effective and evocative.
No, the strength of this piece is the detail and language. Honestly, I'd want more to the language. There was a lot of vague descriptors (aka "telling, not showing") that really made it felt phoned in, like Sunset Shimmer was 'just going through the motions again' but had no passion, like it had been drained out of her while she tries to throw her weight around and live her life. It's like mac and cheese without butter or mashed potatoes without salt, the flavor is there but not the soul.

This needs editing/proofreading because there are a few minor errors (capitalizing after a semicolon, missing apostrophes in improper nouns (eg "culprits" should've been "culprit's"), possibly more I didn't catch on a first read through).
A tip: a semicolon breaks things up and commands the reader to stop there for a moment, where a comma is nearly invisible. Food for thought. Also, some sentences drag on quite a bit even after the pivotal "a-ha!" point.:facehoof:

Though it certainly doesn't deserve a downvote, I can't in good conscience upvote this. I had a reasonably good time reading this fic and look forward to going through your other ones. Should you ever need an editor, I'd be alright if it was you asking. :twilightsmile:

7232075 Thank you for the feedback! Also if you could forgive my late reply, I've been busy lately and away for the last month, and I will be busy for the summer.

Oh, this was sad, but done well.

I cried,this is an amazing story.

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