After the Canterlot Wedding Luna has been feeling lonely, and Rainbow has been to. To them everypony has somepony, except them. Dash loves somepony, but she doesn't know if that pony loves her back. On the other hoof Luna feels as if she was back on the moon. Eventually the to get together and live in happily ever after, but of course the drama comes first.
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Uh oh
Whew. No votes, and six views. And the story's been up for four months. Ok. I'm no professional editor or critic, but I'll say something. The common advice is, "Write what you know." Does that mean you need to experience rape, on either side? No, but I'm going to guess that you're rather inexperienced in sexy times in general. Inexperience in all of life's events is not bad, it's just a matter of where you are.
And where are you? When visual artists learn to draw, they use references, or even traces (although no trustworthy visual artist will ever post those traces publicly). Musicians learn by playing or singing the songs of their favorite bands (And "covers" are acceptable...). Writers can imitate the style of someone they admire. Who is your inspiration?
Some people will have a problem with RD taking 5,000 bits to have a threesome with other ponies. Are you saying RD is a whore?
There are some grammar issues which can be resolved by consulting the guides here on fimfic, or general grammar guides found on the internet. The pacing overall is very fast, and does not give time for character development.
Firefly sounds like a trollop here.
And it continues. I stopped reading at this chapter. On the whole, LunaDash is not a good title. The idea of Luna and Rainbow Dash having some kind of relationship is worth exploring, but it's worth more than a story which can be written on index cards between classes.
Write what you know.
7311564 Okay I just put up this story today and it has 6 votes, so write what you know. Plus this was a fanfiction I wrote for fun a long time ago on Wattpad and it is doing greatly. I didn't write it to please you. So if you don't have anything nice to say don't say it. And change your username because if you leave comments like this I don't want people thinking badly of Texas
Things are progressing really fast.
In the end, I have no idea what this chapter was about. I have a slight idea but there are too many uncertainties due to points which weren't explained.
7311652 I wrote this along time ago to improve my writing skill so as things go one my writing gets better.
Even though I like the PS4, I think you should have altered the name. Ponified version, like "Haystation" or something like that.
You seem to have some problems with punctuation and grammar, maybe you should look for an editor or proofreader?
I found this mistake quite striking:
Taught instead of thought.
Think, thought, thought.
Teach, taught, taught.
7311592
I did not write what I wrote in order to hurt your feelings. While the advice of Thumper's father may be good for maintaining friendships, it does not work for improving writing skills. We need to know more about why your characters do the things they do in order for the story to be believable.
7311685 It's a world of colorful ponies...how realistic can it get? Plus I wrote these chapters in 2014 when I was still a beginner. There are a bunch of mistakes, I'm just copying and pasting from Wattpad were it's already posted.
7311684 Thank you.
Rainbow is quite strong, tearing faucet off a sink is not that easy, is it?
But what I found more confusing than that is the statement that Dumbbell raped her.
I don't want to whitewash what he did, but was it rape?
Rainbow agreed beforehand to do something for him to save Fluttershy for whatever reason she was in this predicament. So, does this mean that she struggled during intercourse and refused to have sex with him or did she agree to his terms after all?
I simply don't know, it is kind of vague and that's why I'm asking.
7311685 I agree. Things happen too fast without much explanation.
When did they start eating?
7311701
You're writing about rape, unintended pregnancy, and general romantic encounters. I think that's pretty real, colorful ponies or not.
7311701 How about editing and correcting mistakes instead of just copying?
7311745 Luna was doing her own thing while I was focusing on Rainbow Dash, while Dashie went for the door Luna headed towards the kitchen it says that.
7311761 Because that's not my focus right now.
7311800 True. Luna went to the kitchen. But aside from that there were no further indications, implications or else that Luna made food and brought Rainbow something as well.
I was simply confused and re-read the scene three times, in case I missed something.
I'm not sure about others but I'm not very fond of re-reading because of uncertainties or inconsistencies.
7311803 too bad
7312557 honestly you are just being a d*ck that was rude and uncalled for.
7311757 fuck texas
Thats how it ends!?! He comes back and dash is all like "its cool bro imma just have your rape induced child in nine months" like what the frick
7434744 Although I get what you are saying but I'm from Texas
7434755 There is more I just haven't updated because not a lot of people like it.
I think Fimfiction is trying to tell you something based on the fact that you've got more stories than you do followers.
7436357 LOL.