• Member Since 18th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen Last Friday

Doctor Tex


Greetings, Agent. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to read. Read as much as you can in your time. You may end up learning a thing or two.

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The Dimensional Observatory is a location where a Vortex Master can learn other worlds' difference with the Prime World.

Dr. Tex just gained access to the famous Dimensional Observatory, where he learns of many other Equestrias, and how they differentiate from Equestria Prime.

This is a series where Tex observes many different possibilities that could happen in the show, had the the characters chosen the other choice. It MIGHT bring attention to some other stories though.

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 3 )

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Okay. I understand this is a framing device. I get that. I get that it doesn't need as much development as the snips that will follow.

But there are a couple of problems here.

First of all, Show Don't Tell. If you must have exposition, do it in a way that isn't blatant. Have somebody ask "What's this?" and then another person say "That's the doohicky that does the thing!" Or have exposition implied: 'He carefully navigated the craters around his home, thankful that the stench of alien vessels had disappeared.' If a character doesn't recognize something, don't just say 'they didn't recognize the thing', have them approach in amazement or confusion or fear, as appropriate.

Secondly, worldbuilding. You've got a lot of scraps and no hard backing. It doesn't feel like this world has a history, so much as there are so many random events that happened. 'Aliens invaded, and also we're from dream valley, and by the way your gramps built a magic observatory.' It's just so... discombobulated. And even if this is just a framing device, it should be a reasonably comprehensible one. As it is, there does not seem to be any reason for the story beyond telling the story, which is not a good thing for a framing device; there should be a reason why our intrepid hero is poking his nose into other realities, even if it's just FOR SCIENCE!

....again, far too telly, not enough showy. Also walls of text.

You seem to have grammar down, and that's good. Grammar's just a good bone structure, though. You've got no.... depth here. Nothing is getting me to care about the characters or these alternate realities or... anything. And that's not because these characters aren't interesting, or the situation isn't interesting. It's because of the way the story is structured; there's no flow, no real... gelling agency.

6934980 I probably should have posted another story I have on here that explain the backstory of the characters, so that was my own fault...and I haven't really gotten accustomed to FiMFiction just yet. Not to mention juggling between School and writing. Being a Middle School (soon to be High School) student, I have a lot of work to do, both online and offline. If the story seemed a bit rushed, I apologize. I only have one day until I have to leave for New York, so I cant really work on the story until I get there. That's what I get for a self imposed deadline. I can only hope that I can do better.

I probably should have explained the reason WHY he is at this observatory. He is a Vortex Master, and really can't do much about alternate dimensions. That's what the observatory is for. Also, the whole "Magic book tells you to go there." Subplot that I hope I can explain when the time comes.

This story isn't supposed to be focusing on the otherworldly characters. That was a mistake on my end. I just thought that I could add some flare to the whole "What if character X chose option Y, and what would happen in timeline B?" premise. I originally wanted this story to be about Tex and his interaction with other stories on FiMFiction, but that failed moderation.

I just guess I am imposed by others on this site, like my friends are with my grammar. I know that it is a bad thing.

Other than that, you make good points. I can only hope to do better when another idea pops into my head. Any criticism is helpful if it improves my writing.

And, one last thing, If this chapter is "Far too telly, Not enough Showy", then that's because I want readers to get a feel about how the Vortex works, how alternate realities are made and such. And considering that this is a site that doesn't really have the "Show, don't tell" rule that things like the show have. Stories with exposition tend to have the reader picture something their mind, hence the Vortex Splitting portion.

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