When enough is enough

by Nagagon

At the saloon table

AUTHOR’S WARNING

This fanfic has some mild swearing and alcoholic and sexual suggestions. If you have any problem with such things, it is advised you read it with caution. Either way, have fun and hope you enjoy the tales of a drunken pony.

---

The saloon hall was illuminated by the mid-afternoon sun that poured through the wooden windows. A blue male pegasus worked on the counter, mixing drinks and spinning bottles in the air with great accuracy. Every once in awhile a cyan colt pegasus with glasses would cheer in awe of the bartender’s incredible skills. However, the two pegasi were not the only inhabitants of the saloon, for a big dark brown unicorn sat there, drinking quietly. His muzzle was red as the color of his tangled mane and he wore a western hat and vest. The stranger emptied his cup in one big gulp and slammed the glass on the wooden counter. He dried his mutton chops moustache with the back of his hoof and looked at the blue pegasus.

“WAAAAAAITER... REFILL!”, yelled the drunk pony.

“Aren’t you overdoing it a bit?” asked the bartender.

“Ya can NEVER have too much to drink, pal!”

The bartender let out an exasperated sigh and turned a yellow bottle over the stranger’s glass, letting the brown liquor inside flow. As quickly as it was filled, the glass was emptied and slammed once again on the table.

“That’s the stuff!” exclaimed the unicorn, smacking his lips.

“Glad you liked it,” replied the pegasus with a smile. The unicorn looked at him with woozy eyes and attempted to reply, failing to notice the twitching on the bartender’s left eye. Come on, Sloe, you know the drill! Bartender’s rule number 6: ‘Fill his cup, be polite, keep a watching eye. If he starts trouble, get him out on the double’.

“Hey pal, what’s yer name?” asked the drunken pony.

“Sloe Gin Fizz. And yours?”

“Name’s Bowlegs.”

“So, Bowlegs, what’re you doing here? It’s pretty early to be drinking,” asked Sloe as he grabbed a glass with his hoof and cleaned it with a washcloth.

“Ain’t never too early tah have some booze! But, yeah, Ah have a reason ta be drinking.”

And I’m sure you’re gonna tell me, right? thought the bartender.

“And Ah’m gonna tell ya what it is, just pour me another, would ya?” Sloe Gin rolled his eyes and poured another shot of liquor in Bowlegs’ cup. The stallion raised his glass and gulped down the beverage, letting out a huge burp at the end.

“Pardon me,” said the Bowlegs. “Ya know what? Ah like ya Sloe. Yer a nice guy. Me and ya, we connect, pal,” commented the drunk, looking deep into the eyes of the bartender pony, much to the the pegasus’ discomfort. “So, waiter, here at this table bar. Yer probably tired of hearing hundreds of tales of lost loves.”

Oh Celestia, no! Not another broken heart drunk!

“Well Ah’ll have ya know that mah greatest love is getting married TODAY!” yelled Bowlegs, hitting the counter in anger. “She sent me a LETTER to tell me and broke mah heart into pieceeeeeeees! WAAAAAAAAAHHH,” howled the unicorn before hiding his face behind his hooves and bawling like a newborn colt.

“HEY, CAN YOU LOWER THE WATERWORKS A BIT, MATE?!” yelled the pegasus with the glasses.

“YA SHUT YER TRAP OR AH’LL SHUT IT FOR YA!” rebuked Bowlegs. The young pegasus’ eyes widened and he cowered in fear, grabbing a menu to hide his face from the aggressive stranger. Sloe was just as surprised at the sudden mood swing. He coughed.

“Well, she seems like a real bitch, if you ask me,” Good. Bartender’s rule number 11: ‘Stay on the drunk’s good side to avoid a fight’, thought Sloe. However, the drunken unicorn looked at him a curious expression.

“Who’s a bitch?” he asked.

“The mare. You know, the one who sent you the letter?”

“Ah got a letter?”

“You just told me about her!”

“Ah did?”

“The one getting married? Your greatest love?!”

“That wench!” growled Bowlegs as he slammed his hoof on the counter. Sloe winced as he saw the damage the stallion’s strike had done to his counter.

“But ya know, Ah ain’t even mad about that. Celestia be mah witness, Ah ain’t,” said the unicorn as he stood upright and raised his right hoof. However, the ginger stallion started tilting backwards until he fell on his back, producing a loud thumping sound. Bowlegs placed his hooves on the wooden board and with some difficulty, lifted himself off the ground. “What Ah’m mad about is the fact that she... stole mah truck.”

“She stole your truck? That’s weird.” asked the Sloe.

“Ah know, right? What kinda cold-hearted, selfish skank steals a stallion’s only prized and most beloved possession?”

“But trucks make an awful lotta noise and smoke. How the hay did she steal a truck from right under your muzzle?”

Bowlegs shrugged. “Musta done so when Ah was in jail. Can you fill ‘er up?” he asked pointing to the empty glass.

“Here you go,” said the Sloe, filling his cup. Suddenly, his eyes widened and his jaw dropped. “Wait a minute, jail?!”

“Eeyup,” Bowleg answered as he emptied his glass. “Ah was arrested for some petty little crimes. Ya know, pickpocketing, shoplifting, armed robbery, smuggling--”

“That’s not what I’d call ‘petty’, Bowlegs,” interrupted the bartender.

“-- sexual harassment. And let me tell ya sumthing, pal: she was a beauty! An earth pony with an orange coat and a dandy golden mane. And she had quite a juicy plot, perfect for some fine spank--”

“You can stop right there.”

“Pfft. Queer,” said Bowlegs. He saw a metal bucket from the corner of his eye and spat a powerful shot of saliva, which caused a powerful metallic bell-like sound. “But ya know, after Ah left the joint, Ah was set on becoming a proper citizen. Ah sincerely thought Ah was going to regenerate. Working honestly with a wife taking care of home. A normal life to grow old in peace, ya know?” He looked sadly into the empty glass and sniffed. “But if destiny wants it this way, whatever! AH AIN’T NEVER LEAVING THIS BAR!” announced the stallion as he leaned backwards and met the hard, cold floor for a second time.

Sloe felt his left eye twitch yet again.

Bowlegs rose from the floor and pointed to an object on the far left. “Correct me if Ah’m wrong, but that’s a trash can over there, right?”

The blue pegasus turned his head and saw a simple, plastic trash can with a black bag. “Yeah, what about it?”

“Much obliged...” said the drunken unicorn. A brown aura surrounded the trash can as the stallion levitated it towards him and grabbed it firmly with both of his hooves. He shoved his head inside it and...

“BLAAAAAAAARGH!!!” barfed Bowlegs with a roaring sound that sent shivers down Sloe’s spine. The young glasses-wearing pegasus from before jolted out of the place with a paler coat than when he came in.

“Sir, don’t you think you had enough?” asked Sloe. It was high time he got rid of the drunk.

Bowlegs raised his head, his face slightly paler, his moustache dotted with vomit stains. He wiped the remaining spew from his muzzle.

“Ya’re right. Ah had enough.”

---

The church was filled with ponies of all sizes and colors and all remained silent as they watched the spectacular wedding that occurred in front of their very eyes. A stallion chewing a stalk next to the altar tried his best not to cry. Noticing he was failing miserably, a big unicorn covered in scars levitated a tissue to aid the pony. Princess Celestia stood in front of the bride and groom as she spoke.

“If anypony here present knows of a just cause that these two should not be joined in my Holy Permission, speak now, or forever hold your peace.”

Suddenly, the front doors burst open and a brown unicorn with a ginger moustache wobbled inside.

“Alright everypony, put ‘em up!” yelled Bowlegs as he entered.

The crowd started muttering, confused by the stranger’s unexpected appearance. Out of nowhere, an unknown pony pointed a hoof towards the drunken unicorn.

“But you’re not even armed!”

“Ah’m not?” asked the ginger stallion, looking around him for his weapons. “Ya’re right, Ah ain’t. Alright then, DON’T put ‘em up. Ya’ll can keep ‘em down. But Ah have something ta say!”

The room kept silent.

“Can anypony tell me where’s the little colt’s room?” asked Bowlegs as he held his crotch and hopped on the spot. Dumbfounded, the guests pointed their hooves to the left.

“Much obliged,” thanked the ginger unicorn with a nod before dashing in the general direction.

“Well, that was weird,” commented the groom, a cyan earth pony with a brown mane. He noticed his bride shake slightly from the corner of his eye. “Do ya have any idea who was that fella?”

The orange cowmare bit her lower lip and looked away. “Nnope. No idea at all!” she turned towards Celestia. “Pardon me, your Alicorniness, but would ya mind getting us hitched already? This fancy gown here is too tight!”

---

AUTHOR’S NOTE

Rules are rules, and as such I shall follow them. First off, this is a fic based on the SALT Colab prompt. Why am I posting the link? Well, because it’s part of the rules of the Colab, but mainly because they deserve it. I think I’d be nowhere near writing fics if it wasn’t for their editing skills. If you need help with your fic, go to them for help. They simply rock at their work. And they are much faster than EqD. They are also much more patient, although they can be really mean. But it’s part of their ‘tough love’, so suck it up, authors!

Now, about this story. This was a BLAST to write. I got the idea out of 2 songs, both are Brazilian and they talk about booze and women. The first is called “Garçom” (Waiter) from Reginaldo Rossi. It talks about a guy who got a letter from his love saying she’s getting married and it’s crying his eyes out at the bar, telling his story to the waiter. The second is called “Ela roubou meu caminhão”(She stole my truck) from the AWESOME rock band Matanza. It talks about a guy who got out of jail and finds that his woman stole his truck and left him. He proceeds to go to the bar to get wasted, as Matanza’s songs always seem to do. Not kidding, they can be reduced in 3 categories: women, booze and violence related stuff. But go check the songs. If you don't understand portuguese, at least watch the videoclip, it's pretty funny. Also, come on, Jimmy is Bowlegs personified!

A bit on characters. Bowlegs was the hardest name to come up with. I thought of doing something truck related, gave up on that. Then I tried drink related, gave up on that two. Then I found synonyms for wobbly, and BAM! Found his name. His ginger mane and moustache are a reference to Matanza’s singer, Jimmy (LOVE YOU, MATE). Sloe Gin Fizz is a drink, very fancy, that I liked. It’s sweet, has some blueberries on top of it, really nice. The glasses wearing pegasus is... ME! It’s my ponysona, which has no image so far, but I should be getting one from a friend soon (she’s a kickass artist).

SHAMELESS ADVERTISEMENT TIME! You liked this story? Check out Violet Fire then! It’s a romance, okay, but it’s got comedy. It doesn’t have booze or Bowlegs in there, but hey, it’s still pretty funny at times.

And finally, here’s a challenge: can anyone tell me who are the characters at the wedding? Leave your ideas in the comments below. Don't worry, I read them all, so noone's going to be left out.

(Wow, this is a very long author’s note O.O)

Comments

[WildStallion]

Applejack is the bride. And I have no idea whom the groom is.

[Nagagon]

730645
Good, good. And what about the 2 stallions next to the altar?

[Frederick the Saiyan]

Since we already discussed the characters, I shouldn't answer that question. HOWEVER. Will there be anymore Bowlegs at some point? He's fun!

[Nagagon]

730943
Won't make any promises, but we'll see

[Firebirdbtops]

Another congratulations from me to my SALTy companions. Great job at releasing this story. The deadlne has been met and it seems like a couple of great fics have come out of it.

[Nagagon]

731186
Thanks Firebird! Yours was great too! But I'm not so sure about the deadline, it was kinda confusing this time. I ended up posting it by 22:30, by my country's time, and I'm not even sure if it was earlier or later than the agreed time

[Firebirdbtops]

I posted just a bit late, and here, 13 hours later, my fic still has not gone through the mods. So, as long as it got up, I think you did fine.

[Aquillo]

Alright, read through and thoughts: it was good, well written and funny, but in the end it felt a bit like a joke without a punchline. The entire fic was setting itself up for the AJ-Bowlegs confrontation, which... didn't really happen. I can't help but feel like this is a story without an ending, and it definitely deserves one. It's... Anti-climatic

Oh, and smile: you're in the archive.

[Nagagon]

732643

Congrats, you figured it out: there's moar along the way

It's not a sequel, but a prequel to what happens here. The story was supposed to end with Bowlegs crashing a random wedding, going out to find the right one and declare his love to one of the mane 6 or the CMC (I was still deciding which one was going to be funnier at the time). However, I saw an opportunity to do some foreshadowing (aftershadowing? I don't know =p) to a story I'm going to write after Violet Fire, so I took it. Not going to get into too much detail, but it involves the main characters of this story and an extra few

[Aquillo]

732830 That... makes it so much better. I was wondering if you'd ran out of time or something. It's good to know it'll continue.

Oh, and have an extra

[Nagagon]

732856

Glad you liked it
However, AJ's story is still a while away from actually happening. I'm going to finish Violet Fire first, then I'll get on another story and then I'll get to hers

[tomw20]

730930 One is Applejack's cousin, from Appleoosa right? The other is the groom's friend, I can't figure out either...

[Nagagon]

746684

Pro tip: Read Violet Fire

[tomw20]

747525

In my queue for sure. If you're that good at this story, I can't wait for the prelude? Aftermath? Not sure, but whatever it is I can't wait!

[bam_pancakes]

730645 O EM GEE ur RIGHT!!!!

[Nagagon]

854038
Must... resist... urge... to... write... AJ's.. story

[bam_pancakes]

856292 dont resist Let it flow!