• Member Since 23rd Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen Jun 6th, 2019

qtip6


Comments ( 38 )

Gotta say, I really enjoy where this is going so far!

Twilight’s eyes met his and Lero could see the warmth in her expression grow as she replied “Oh Lero... it's just so nice to see everyone together, it makes me feel like even if I can’t finish my research I’ll still have something to fall back on.”

As Twilight spoke, she saw Lero’s face fall slightly and she hurriedly added “n-n-not that it doesn’t mean I’ll be doing my all to complete my work... that is... its not li-”

Aw, Twilight... :fluttershysad:

The frown returned, however, as he looked down sadly at the snoring pegasus (some things even the swap could not change). To let poor Rainbow lose the fire that made up so much of who she was… all so that he could indulge in this paradise? Could he let all of his friends and their families continue to live under this delusion with the feeble hope that it might be for the best? It felt like betrayal. Like he was ultimately giving in to the force that he had anthropomorphized (hippopomorphized?): the spell known as ‘the swap’.

You have a good understanding of the major conflict within Divided Rainbow. Just this alone makes me eager to see how you handle The Swapped when they're awake!

"I save data compilation and assessment day as a treat for when I’m feeling glum.”

Ha! Should've thought of this one, myself!

“TWILIGHT! Abort the spell!!”

Ooh, exciting! You're taking things in an intriguing direction with this "Shift" thing of yours...

Jacob…. I think.”

“Well Jacob Eyethingk,

:rainbowlaugh:

He looked out for any easy tells: fishing wire, creaking joints or gears, obvious stitching revealing a costume… nothing. As the tricks flowed one into another he found himself mesmerized by the artistry of the robot in front of him. Even the magic tricks were fascinating and without any giveaways. Some were designed to amaze, some to stupefy, but all were so engrossing as to distract him from his current situation entirely.

Loving the description! And Trixie is so cute, the way you handle her! Jacob is pretty cool so far too. A lot yet to flesh out, perhaps, but not a completely featureless "Anon," nor a Mary Sue. He's likable!

Trixie could not stifle a squee this time, “wouldn’t you say that she is beautiful?” Trixie said, batting her eyes in what would be a cartoonish manner. Jacob chuckled, this operator had a great sense of humor and incredible timing, he yelled over toward the backstage “sure, very beautiful to look at, if that’s your thing.” Trixie’s tail twitched at the compliment.

Jacob noticed the movement immediately. “The tail moves too? What’s the material made out of?”

The next few moments took only an instant, but Jacob would remember it in a moment by moment, play-by-play timeline. His hand reached forward and grabbed the blue and silver-white tail.

I love the comedy of all this. Poor Jacob! And Trixie just continues to be adorable in her own way. The whole chapter's well-written, it ends on a good cliffhanger, can't wait for more! Bravo, Qtip!

Jacob Eyethingk

All I could think was, "We got this guy 'Not Sure' who's gonna fix everything!"

Interesting start. I wouldn't worry about the whole 'another human in the Leroverse' thing. It worked well with Gus' story. If this character has something to offer (and it looks good so far, once he recovers from the concussion he just unwittingly earned) he'll do fine. If anything, I've always liked the idea of Lero having another human to compare a few 'wtf happened to us' notes with. I was actually hoping he'd see his family again somehow, like when Discord took him 'home' in Divided Rainbow (though probably just a dream sequence, still with Discord it could have been both...) Whether this story goes in that direction or not is fine though.

Trixie... well I'm on the fence about her canonically speaking. It doesn't seem like her contrition for her actions is genuine here; that would be unfortunate since it would make her a bit of a flat character, incapable of growth. But it's too soon to say. Also, out-humbling Jacob was adorable and hilarious, so she gets a pass for the moment.

There's a few minor errors and such, but I'm not going to nitpick about them here. Overall, the writing's good. There's little touches of humor and it flows well. I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

6925853 You've hit the nail on the head! One of the biggest advantages to a second human (like Gus) is to give Lero a commiseration buddy.

I've always thought Trixie to be a villain character from the show with tremendous room for growth, actually. To me she is a very 'human' pony: insecure, prideful, flawed, and lonely. She's not a villain by her own design, she's just at odds with the world.

Compared to some of the more recent show antagonists (*cough* Glimmer *cough*) that go from incredibly evil (for very lame originating reasons) to being friends with everyone (for equally lame resolution reasons), I've always though Trixie would have been one of the best characters to get a little more time, if not a redemption arc.

Thanks for the comment! As I mentioned, the rust should hopefully continue to shake off as we go along, and I can't wait to reveal more of the plot as we go along!

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I completely agree with you, about Trixie... and Starlight. That whole thing was an ambitious project, Harrison Bergeron in FIM? Kudos to the writers for trying something like that, but yeah I just didn't buy into that character at all. And then her lame excuse? Yeah really didn't buy it... especially since magic of her level obviously required leaning heavily on whatever talent came with her own mark. Paper thin hypocrite... boring. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/305811/thats-it More or less summed up my thoughts on that one.

Trixie is much more interesting. She could have learned after her first appearance. But the truth is she didn't do much wrong, really. Okay, a little overly harsh in dealing with her hecklers, by pony standards (though George Carlin might have applauded); as a performer knowing your audience is key. Sets like that one, even without the monster rampaging later, would eventually sink her career. Humiliating pillars of communities (and national heroes in this case) isn't the best idea in the long term, whether they've got it coming or not. Still, not that major a thing. The humble pie in the end could have taught her something. It didn't, and that's actually fine, because again, she wasn't really too far in the wrong. It all came from a fairly innocuous lie; the kind of thing a performer might use to get themselves over. Her second appearance... yeah less defensible, but also more contrition afterward. Plus not really knowing the Alicorn Amulet would corrupt her (I assume... if she just didn't care that's less interesting though it does bespeak a certain determination) is a point in her favor. So yes, she is definitely set up for a worthwhile character arc. I look forward to reading it; enjoy your weekend!

Interesting. I look forward to seeing more. I always enjoy to see new stories in the Leroverse.

I expect to catch a bit of flak for bringing another human into the Leroverse

People do not like change. But provided the human is of actual purpose to the story and not a waifu stealer, its usually fine.
Both Chimera and Xenophilia: Advanced brought new humans into the Leroverse and they are both seen to be positive stories amongst the vast majority of the community.

Okay, Wow, this is getting amazing- We've got, what, a side-story, a crossover, and now two spin-offs? Impressive!

So, just some of my own observations:

“Good morning Ponyville!” Twilight spoke aloud to no one in particular as she threw back the comforter and kicked her hooves over the edge of the warm and inviting bed. The fact that her actions were met with grumbles and groans from her herd (most of whom took a different approach to mornings) was lost on her as she stretched her arms and back.

While I can definitely see Dash, Rarity, and even Lero being late sleepers, but Lyra's been well established as an early riser, as she goes out training early in the morning. I understand if you don't want her to have her in the following scenes/conversations, but that's easily resolved by having her, well, leave to train. Though you might want to consider keeping her for the morning conversation at least- she's a terribly underutilized character a lot of the time, and she is in the know about the swap.

“Sir, tell me: what is your special talent? Do you dare think you are better than the Great and Powerful Trixie in any way?”
“Who me?” Jacob asked incredulously, pointing a finger at his own chest to emphasize his disbelief at being suddenly singled out.
“Please sir, answer quickly. Don’t keep the crowd waiting” Trixie said motioning toward the seating area.

Ok, this strikes me as a bit odd, as it's clear Trixie's aware he's not a pony- specifically citing his "Special Talent" is kinda- racist? I dunno if that's the right word. Griffons, Minotaurs, and plenty of other races exist with no equivalence to the pony ideas of Cutie Marks and Special talents. Perhaps she could say after his confusion something to the effect of, "Oh, please, even if you don't have a cutie mark, you must have something you're good at!"

Those were the big things that stuck out for me. Good luck with the stories!

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Great feedback Rikmach, and exactly the type I like: clear, concise, and with concrete examples.

I do admit I kept the bulk of the girls asleep for simplicity, and I wasn't aware of Lyra's tendency to train early... I knew she was a Grand Master but didn't know if that translated to having a rigid discipline as well... I do like that thinking though, and don't worry, Lyra is one of my favorite Divided Rainbow characters, and she'll play a part in this story.

On your second point, I had meant for Trixie to play a bit of a 'sticks to the script even when it makes no sense' trope. I saw her as expecting a pony crowd and not deviating from that expectation. I considered her possible experience with minotaurs and other non-ponies and how that statement could come off as a bit species-ist. While Trixie is a bit oblivious and rude, I wouldn't want her to have too negative of an impression either.

Hope you don't mind if I use your edits. :)

6956960

Great feedback Rikmach, and exactly the type I like: clear, concise, and with concrete examples.

Thanks! Mike brought me on as an editor for a reason, I suppose. :)

I do admit I kept the bulk of the girls asleep for simplicity, and I wasn't aware of Lyra's tendency to train early... I knew she was a Grand Master but didn't know if that translated to having a rigid discipline as well... I do like that thinking though, and don't worry, Lyra is one of my favorite Divided Rainbow characters, and I she'll play a part in this story.

Yeah, Lyra embodies allot of the "Wise Master" tropes, but in a good, fun way. (Being young and female breaks a lot of the cliches, after all.)

On your second point, I had meant for Trixie to play a bit of a 'sticks to the script even when it makes no sense' trope. I saw her as expecting a pony crowd and not deviating from that expectation. I want considered her possible experience with minotaurs and other non-ponies and how that statement could come off as a bit species-ist. While Trixie is a bit oblivious and rude, I wouldn't want her to have too negative of an impression either.

I got what you were going for, but Equestria is pretty multi-ethnic with Donkies, Zebras, and other living among the populace- and one assume Griffons and Minotaurs would show up on towns near the border- so one assumes her default script allows for them.

Hope you don't mind if I use your edits. :)

Of course not, that was the point of offering them.

All I can say is that I like where this is going. Well written, well paced, and you've managed to capture the essence of characters. Heck I like the way you managed to portray Luna.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/1/17/558/full.gif
Many stories have her using way too many thee and thou and not actually speaking correctly at all.

All in all, I give this a 9/10 :)

can not wait to see where you go with this story

I agree with the first poster; this really is a solid start. When I get annoyed that I'm getting close to the end of a chapter in a story that's really not even off the ground yet it's a good sign. I will say I'm a bit worn thin of the 'ye olde butchered Englishe' approach with Luna... she hasn't talked that way in several seasons. But you're hardly the only writer to go that route with her, so it's a minor gripe, a smirking eye roll at most. She certainly speaks formally in canon to this day, but most of her original patterns just aren't so pronounced. Other than that her portrayal was good, no issues with the content of her role here.

I like how Trixie talked about mastering healing spells without apparently offering to cast one; instead she lets Sweetie knock herself out... literally. She's nice enough to try and get Jacob to a hospital after almost braining him but she hasn't left behind her character, flaws and all.

The humor here was good. It really suits the DR Leroverse to go with a reference like Alien for laughs, just as one example. Worked for me. On a related note, the other characters came in well in terms of being on point to how I see them in this verse. That's no small task to take on, and so far you look to have a handle on it.

The upcoming meeting definitely has me looking forward, nice work all around here.

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Thanks for your comments! They mean a lot, definitely brings a smile to know the story is being enjoyed even at such an early stage.

I subscribe to the character theory that people revert to their comfort zone when stressed. Luna, for all her modernizing is still a mare brought forward from 1000 years in the past, especially at this point of the chronology where DR is set. When the chips are down, her old accent and even ways of thinking may come out.

I am so glad that I'm getting the right feel on the Leroverse/DR characters thus far... so essential to be able to carry over the feel.

I'm also happy the humour is carrying over. I never want it to feel cheap, but the little crossovers are such a fun part of DR and pony fics in general.

6965494

I subscribe to the character theory that people revert to their comfort zone when stressed. Luna, for all her modernizing is still a mare brought forward from 1000 years in the past, especially at this point of the chronology where DR is set. When the chips are down, her old accent and even ways of thinking may come out.

Yeah, that's the excuse everyone uses, even if the Tantibus episode more or less sinks it at this point, for us, if not within this fic's chronology. Still, I'm debating just to debate, no malice in it. My question would be though: while that's an in universe reason for her linguistic reversion, why make that choice as an author? It's difficult to properly write in that style, 9 out of 10 bungle it. I won't spoil whether you did, since it's not that important, but I'm curious what drives the decision to use it.

6966255

No worries, nothing like a friendly debate.

I think that by season 4/5 Luna has had a bit more time to modernize her speech. For me the Luna of Nightmare Night, reaching back out to society for the first time in millennia, unsure, hesitating, awkward, struck a very true chord.

As an author, there's no big reason as to why to use that inflection. Early on in stories one of your biggest risks is that your characters have the same 'voice'. Masterful authors can create that different voice easily... but for myself, in a new story, posting for the first time in this community... I'll take the easy way as much as I can get away with. This means Luna goes Shakespearian, Applebloom gets a drawl, and Rarity gets flighty and posh. It probably feels cheap to readers like you, but with the majority it should feel comfortable and familiar (I hope). When I'm a bit more confident in my ability, I can put those more junior tools aside.

Do let me know if there are any errors though, I'd rather they are pointed out and corrected than stay in the text!

Cheers!

6966303

Nah, I wouldn't call it 'cheap'. It's a stylistic choice and a valid one; I just wanted to hear the reasoning. It's not a mistake, especially if her early characterization has meaning for you. That's as good a reason as any; this is a fanfic, after all. As to searching for errors... well I don't normally do that. I'm actually a professional editor (sales magazine... not the most exciting work), so off the clock, as it were, I prefer to just discuss stylistic variations and light literary theory as opposed to harping on typos. That said, I'll keep my eyes open.

6966376

Ah gotcha. Well I appreciate the support!

Another good one!

Let's see, the prologue was called "Illegal Immigration," this one is "Assault and Battery," I'm starting to pick up on a theme in your chapter names... whatever could it mean...

“...and that proves Twilight Sparkle not only has the ability to exchange the minds and bodies of anypony around her… but that she’s also covered it up by changing the memories of everypony in Equestria!” She emphasized the final statement by slamming her little hoof down on the podium, causing an echoing ‘clop’ to resonate through the CMC clubhouse.

“Well, it was fun coming up with those theories at least, can you imagine if we really did have our memories muddled up? It was the only way I could make mine possible.” Scootaloo chuckled.

Oh, Scootaloo. So close and yet so far. :trollestia:

“Meh, it was probably just the wind.” Scootaloo asserted after a moment, closing her eyes in a satisfied self-assurance.

“Does the wind also shoot off flares?”

I love whenever someone's able to make fun of this cliched old line!

Standing over him as he lay unconscious, rich, bright red arterial blood spurting like a nightmarish garden hose, it had taken every ounce of her mental fortitude to resist screaming like a foal and heading for the hills.

Ooh, visceral. And it's such an image: Jacob on Trixie's back while he's bleeding and unconscious like this.

“Scooter Lou!"

<-- :rainbowlaugh:

“No time for that now, Scoop Achoo, I need you to head back into town.... go get help right away. You two, assist Trixie immediately in carrying this Minotaur to th-”

Sweetie Belle cut her off, shouting at her “Trixie, that’s no minotaur, that’s a human!” She gasped as she saw the bloody bandage covering his head. “And he’s hurt! What have you done to Lero!?”

<-- First he's mistaken for a minotaur, then for Lero, himself! Nice touch!

and she stifled back tears of panic and sadness as she thought about what life in Ponyville would be like without the human.

Awww...

“Ahem… Songbird, DEAR,” Rarity called out, “pray tell, WHY are you pummeling our sweet prince without the cloud padding I had prepared for your session?” Rarity’s tone became sterner as she heard Lero’s groans from the dirt he’d been slammed into.

“If you don’t train to take a blow… every blow hits like a train..

. <-- This really IS so Rarity; she really would get irked to see Lero hurt. Plus, I love the image of her beating him while on her hind legs, so serenely.

Rarity seemed to suffer no ill effect as she confidently piloted the nimble cloud through the skies over Ponyville... Rarity’s cloud had three fluffy safety belts to fasten him, Lyra and Twilight securely to the rocketing nimbus platform... Dash was easily keeping pace alongside. It still warmed Lero’s heart to see the once bold daredevil work her powerful wings with effortless exertion in the air. It was one of the seemingly random things that the Swap had been unable to affect, and even now a happy grin was affixed to the multicolored mare’s muzzle.

Wonderful; really does feel at home in DR.

“Hey! Lero’s not fragile, he’s tough!” said Rainbow, bristling.

:twilightsmile:

“I’ll need a lab coat that fits.”

Dr. Lero, MD. THIS is gonna be quite the conversation!

Well done! Can't wait to see the next one!

6968627

Thanks MT!

Was a big relief to see you approved of how I voiced Rarity, and that you enjoyed this chapter.

Let me know if you ever think I'm missing any important DR themes!

Ok! time to get my review on! *Cracks knuckles*

The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and the grass was grassing.

On days like these, kids like you should be burning in hell.

...Sorry, couldn't resist the reference.

“Does the wind also shoot off flares?” Asked Sweetie, tapping Scootaloo on the shoulder and twisting her toward the horizon, where a distant streak of red light travelled up from the treeline, bursting into a small smattering of sparkles.

"Well... yeah, maybe, sometimes!" Scootaloo snapped defensively.

Standing over him as he lay unconscious, rich, bright red arterial blood spurting like a nightmarish garden hose

Arterial blood? From a head injury?

I mean, don't get me wrong, there's going to be a lot of blood from a head injury, but the arteries are buried inside the skull when it comes to the head. Arterial spray tends to come from neck or limb injuries.

“Trixie, that’s no minotaur, that’s a human!” She gasped as she saw the bloody bandage covering his head. “And he’s hurt! What have you done to Lero!?”

Is this a reference to the Cross-Race Effect? (Well, I suppose it'd be the Cross-Species Effect, here), where people have difficulty identifying specific members of other races? (Well, species, again here.)

“If you don’t train to take a blow… every blow hits like a train... “ Lyra intoned,

I see Lyra's been taking lessons from The Sphinx.

“Besides, Lero insisted on receiving at least a few scrapes per sparring session.”

"Pain is, after all, an excellent teacher."

“Huh… guess it never occurred to me that there could be more than one human in Equestria… it’s kind of easy to forget you’re not the only human in existence.” Lyra sheepishly grinned as she rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment.

Well, not since Gus vanished/possibly died.

“Don’t they teach that spell in school anymore? They did in Trixie’s day! Trixie was the first in her class to master healing magic, you know. Ugh!”

Not good enough to actually offer casting a spell, I see, Beatrix Lulamoon. :trixieshiftleft:

Twilight nodded to her with a smile and repeated her question to Lero. “I said: should we wait at the hospital for Celestia to arrive? I don’t have any notes on how to properly handle ‘second’-contact with humans…”

Well, third contact, now. You'd figure Twilight would have started taking notes after Gus's arrival, since it proved Lero wasn't a Fluke

“I hadn’t thought about it Lero… but what if this human is violent, or…” Twilight took a dramatic gulp before pressing on “what if it came from... that other world.”
Lero’s solemn face betrayed the worry that he held about the same subject, “it’s definitely possible… heck, it’s probably the most likely scenario…

Especially since that's the route Gus, took, too.

Quickly scanning left and right, Lyra instantly saw the golden, glinting armor of the royal guard. She let her readiness relax back into a slightly less alert state, knowing that any threat would not likely to come from these two guard pegasi... one of whom she even recognized as being a member of Celestia’s personal escort. The larger of the two armored pegasi pressed forward with his lance held at the half-guard, ready to block or eviscerate as required.
“This hospital is under quarantine by order of the princess, you are hereby ordered to vacate immediately, if you have urg-”
“Enough, Brazen Buckler, they may enter! We will have need of their assistance.”

Honestly, they're lucky the Princess showed up and interrupted, so they didn't get a dressing down from Lyra, after all, she's the Guard Reserve in charge of Ponyvlle. Honestly, you'd expect the guard to recognize her and give her a heads up instead of treating her like a Civvie.

“Tell me, Sir Lero, why do all humans cast themselves so frequently into peril, though they be such fragile creatures?”
“Hey! Lero’s not fragile, he’s tough!” said Rainbow, bristling.

Once again implying Lero's tougher than your average human.

Lyra piped up, “what’s with this quarantine, Princess Luna? We know Lero’s not infectious or dangerous. Is this just a precaution or…” she let the question hang in the air hoping the princess would answer.
Luna sighed, seeing that she would not be able to dodge the inquiry. “There is a… protocol… to such matters, Grandmaster Heartstrings.” She hoofed the ground awkwardly before continuing.

One assumes this same protocol was in effect for Gus, but since it was first-person, and he was unconscious for weeks, he never saw it, and he was probably announced before he woke up.

“I’ll need a lab coat that fits.”

Thankfully, there's probably a couple in Gus's old lab.

anyhow, man, that's a pretty good chapter, there. The only real problem I can point out is you forgot that Jacob is the third human to arrive in Equestria- since Xenophilia: Advanced is in-continuity to Divided Rainbow.

Hope this helps!

6997750

Hey Rikmach!

I've been waiting on pins and needles for this review!

Great points as always! I especially liked your feedback on how I'd handled Gus.

I think I need to reread Xeno:advanced so I can refamiliarize myself with that story and reference Gus appropriately. You picked up on the hints I pointed out, but I chickened out of outright mentioning Gus's story.

As always, incredible feedback! Can't wait to show you more!

Isn't Lyra's rank Seargeant?

First: awesome work, man. Second, whoops, run a quick check, you didn't change all of the times you used 'Doctor Horse' or 'Tenderheart' to the correct names.

7045614

I'd have to go back and read the older stories to be sure of her rank, but that sounds plausible.

Pacing is good. I am enjoying this immensely! The only thing we need now is for Celestia to assign Amicus a partner so we can have Tango and Cash moments <chuckles>

Can't wait to see what ya have in store for us :)

I feel like Amicus is closer to Lawful Neutral than Lawful Good. Good is relative to a society in question, not an absolute. For example, many humans would consider polygamy a sin, but it's perfectly acceptable in this universe. Traditions, really most societal mores in Equestria, would very likely be heavily influenced by Celestia's outlook. He clearly hates her guts, implying a more personal code that drives him. Sure, he's all about punishing criminals, but no real sense of mercy. I don't buy that Red's family is safe; I don't think Amicus cares. Further... that little bit of near entrapment was on the deceitful side. Insinuations are pretty close to lies, and with Honesty being a paramount virtue in Equestria... I can expound on that if needed, but that's my first look take. That said, he looks like a lot of fun. A hero antagonist has great story potential; I'm looking forward to seeing how he plays out... as long as he doesn't go all author soapbox. I really liked that Celestia snarked back at him. Mutual antagonism is way more interesting than anything one sided could have been.

Now, Mr. Books, I would advise you not to add libel to your growing list of offenses.

First, wasn't that guy's name Red Ledger? Amicus keeps calling him Mr. Books; what am I missing? Is it just his nickname for him? Second, that was slander... libel is in published works such as newspapers. The Spider Man movie from 2002 did that one in reverse:

Peter Parker: Spider-Man wasn't trying to attack the city, he was trying to save it. That's slander.
J. Jonah Jameson: It is not. I resent that. Slander is spoken. In print, it's libel.

Nice work on this chapter, and thank you for the save. I had just closed a story that I couldn't get past chapter 1 of, and then I saw this had updated. You saved my first break at work from being spent browsing. Looking forward to Jacob waking up and joining the party.

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My pleasure Sun Sage! Great feedback as always!

On Amicus, that's an interesting take on the Lawful Neutral... you are actually probably correct on that; he is a character who is not passionate about good or evil so much as right or wrong (the distinction is subtle).

Thanks for the catch on 'Books'... it was the result of a late character name change and some missed replacements, originally Ledger's name was going to be Cooked Books, but that's a bit too on the nose.

Amicus will definitely be outspoken, and he definitely has issues with Celestia's rule, but I'm only using it to develop his character a bit - no soapboxes if I can help it!

Glad I could save you from a reddit browse or - God forbid - actually doing work for a bit! :trollestia:

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Hah! Work... this guy... nah I meant browsing for another story to read... hey it's a 15 minute break, dammit man, there's no time! As to reddit... I mean... I read clop fics but I do have standards. Lastly... Cooked Books was exactly the other name I was assuming was happening there. I actually went back and looked for something like Amicus saying 'So then, Mr. Cooked Books, or whatever name you're using these days...' so yeah I hear ya there. Have a good day!

I'm really digging Amicus. He could almost be the hero of his own HBO cop drama. He's crafty and knows the law, and he's clearly big on punishment. Plus, "two-bit whorse," in human terms, that'd be like calling someone your queen a cheap ape-whore. And his frustrations with her are not entirely unwarranted.

I can't wait to see what Jacob's like when he wakes up.

I certainly enjoyed the transitions here. Reminded me of Archer and I love that show. Amicus is pretty grating for me, but I fully expected that and it's not a knock. He's simply not the sort of personality I get along with, so I look forward to rolling my eyes at him more as we go along.

It's funny, I started re-reading Divided Rainbow a couple days ago because I figured either it or this would be updating soon. So thanks for proving either my intuition, pattern recognition, or sheer coincidence right.

As to Jake, I like him. I'm sure he can sort things out with Twilight after a rough first meeting. His somewhat juvenile humor, intentional or not, plays a nice foil to Lero's generally more serious outlook on things. That riding comment was just too good... Although it's too soon to really draw an opinion on his characterization, so far there's plenty to work with. Keep him grounded would be my advice... figuratively speaking. He's got a lot going for him in terms of his manners, observational skills, and life experiences, so there's a lot to build on while he's figuring out what to do with the craziness of Equestria. I look forward to seeing his reactions... both the good and the bad ones.

Also, kudos on the Bon Bon thing. I was wondering why she was tagged, or rather how she'd play a part in the story since the tag tells me to expect her. Working in that Slice of Life bit is a nice touch, much better than randomly entering the story just 'cause... or getting dragged in by Lyra.

This was a fun chapter, see you next time!

7233873

Always awesome to hear from you Sun Sage, I always look forward to your comments!

I certainly enjoyed the transitions here. Reminded me of Archer and I love that show.

It's funny, I didn't even think of Archer when I wrote some of those transitions but you're totally right: it is absolutely in that style!

Amicus is pretty grating for me, but I fully expected that and it's not a knock. He's simply not the sort of personality I get along with, so I look forward to rolling my eyes at him more as we go along.

Well I think he'll definitely be that way with many readers, hard-nose types tend to be, especially if they are doing so without seeing the bigger picture. Do let me know if that grating feeling ever seems to be expanding beyond the character to just how he is written in general though. The plan is to have Amicus be the type of antagonist that you shake your head / roll your eyes at.... until every once in a while he has a point that makes you a bit uncomfortable because you don't really want to agree with him but you almost have to. My favorite villains are the ones which fall into that gray area, but t can be hard to hit that note!

As to Jake, I like him...

Nice! First dialogue scenes are always a bit awkward as you have to find that balance between establishing a character without going so far as to make them seem strained and over the top. You're right in spotting the counterpoint between Lero & Jake, I'm hoping that will let them play off each other, nothing like having a foil for variety!

Also, kudos on the Bon Bon thing...

Ah,someone has picked up on who will be entering from stage right shortly! I love Bon as a character regardless of the take that is applied to her (super-spy, delicate flower, or a grump to Lyra's antics), I hope I can do her justice in the Xenoverse, can't wait to bring her in... just seemed like such a natural fit since she deals with monsters all the time.

So far, I'm really enjoying Jake, and I'm excited to see what it'll be like when he meets more ponies, face-to-face! I also like Amicus too, in his own way, though it's clear he's being set up as the antagonist.

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Thanks MT!

Glad you like Amicus thus far!

As I've mentioned, my favorite antagonists are relatable and even seem to make sense. Amicus has a lot of fire in him, even when dealing with Celestia, which is quite rare in a native Equestrian pony. He's fun to write, as any character with the courage (or foolishness) to accost a demigod is!

Jake will start needing to deal with ponies quite a bit, and I hope his character shines through!

It's been awhile since I read Xenophilia. IIRC, didn't Lero have to learn Equestrian? Also, wouldn't a Canadian know that we Yanks don't eat horses? So he would have known Lero was a Yank. These quibbles aside, great story.

I've seen enough cop shows to know local cop vs fed is pretty common. This is a promising start.

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I never saw it addressed, if he did need to learn or get a translation spell let me know so I can tune Lex Divisia up.

On the horse meat side, though uncommon, it's definitely a meat you can still obtain in North America.

I've never tried, but I understand it is quite tough and not flavorful.

I think Lero's brought it up with the girls before, so it shouldn't be too surprising or shocking to them at least.

Sorry, my memory is as reliable as a campaign promise. Rereading Xenophilia, it starts several months after Lero's arrival. Several side stories assume Equestrian= English.

I was thinking of Advanced Xenophilia. Gus can't understand them at 1st. But Gus has brain damage & can't understand ANYONE until he is healed.

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