All I can say is that I like where this is going. Well written, well paced, and you've managed to capture the essence of characters. Heck I like the way you managed to portray Luna. derpicdn.net/img/2012/1/17/558/full.gif Many stories have her using way too many thee and thou and not actually speaking correctly at all.
I agree with the first poster; this really is a solid start. When I get annoyed that I'm getting close to the end of a chapter in a story that's really not even off the ground yet it's a good sign. I will say I'm a bit worn thin of the 'ye olde butchered Englishe' approach with Luna... she hasn't talked that way in several seasons. But you're hardly the only writer to go that route with her, so it's a minor gripe, a smirking eye roll at most. She certainly speaks formally in canon to this day, but most of her original patterns just aren't so pronounced. Other than that her portrayal was good, no issues with the content of her role here.
I like how Trixie talked about mastering healing spells without apparently offering to cast one; instead she lets Sweetie knock herself out... literally. She's nice enough to try and get Jacob to a hospital after almost braining him but she hasn't left behind her character, flaws and all.
The humor here was good. It really suits the DR Leroverse to go with a reference like Alien for laughs, just as one example. Worked for me. On a related note, the other characters came in well in terms of being on point to how I see them in this verse. That's no small task to take on, and so far you look to have a handle on it.
The upcoming meeting definitely has me looking forward, nice work all around here.
Thanks for your comments! They mean a lot, definitely brings a smile to know the story is being enjoyed even at such an early stage.
I subscribe to the character theory that people revert to their comfort zone when stressed. Luna, for all her modernizing is still a mare brought forward from 1000 years in the past, especially at this point of the chronology where DR is set. When the chips are down, her old accent and even ways of thinking may come out.
I am so glad that I'm getting the right feel on the Leroverse/DR characters thus far... so essential to be able to carry over the feel.
I'm also happy the humour is carrying over. I never want it to feel cheap, but the little crossovers are such a fun part of DR and pony fics in general.
I subscribe to the character theory that people revert to their comfort zone when stressed. Luna, for all her modernizing is still a mare brought forward from 1000 years in the past, especially at this point of the chronology where DR is set. When the chips are down, her old accent and even ways of thinking may come out.
Yeah, that's the excuse everyone uses, even if the Tantibus episode more or less sinks it at this point, for us, if not within this fic's chronology. Still, I'm debating just to debate, no malice in it. My question would be though: while that's an in universe reason for her linguistic reversion, why make that choice as an author? It's difficult to properly write in that style, 9 out of 10 bungle it. I won't spoil whether you did, since it's not that important, but I'm curious what drives the decision to use it.
I think that by season 4/5 Luna has had a bit more time to modernize her speech. For me the Luna of Nightmare Night, reaching back out to society for the first time in millennia, unsure, hesitating, awkward, struck a very true chord.
As an author, there's no big reason as to why to use that inflection. Early on in stories one of your biggest risks is that your characters have the same 'voice'. Masterful authors can create that different voice easily... but for myself, in a new story, posting for the first time in this community... I'll take the easy way as much as I can get away with. This means Luna goes Shakespearian, Applebloom gets a drawl, and Rarity gets flighty and posh. It probably feels cheap to readers like you, but with the majority it should feel comfortable and familiar (I hope). When I'm a bit more confident in my ability, I can put those more junior tools aside.
Do let me know if there are any errors though, I'd rather they are pointed out and corrected than stay in the text!
Nah, I wouldn't call it 'cheap'. It's a stylistic choice and a valid one; I just wanted to hear the reasoning. It's not a mistake, especially if her early characterization has meaning for you. That's as good a reason as any; this is a fanfic, after all. As to searching for errors... well I don't normally do that. I'm actually a professional editor (sales magazine... not the most exciting work), so off the clock, as it were, I prefer to just discuss stylistic variations and light literary theory as opposed to harping on typos. That said, I'll keep my eyes open.
Let's see, the prologue was called "Illegal Immigration," this one is "Assault and Battery," I'm starting to pick up on a theme in your chapter names... whatever could it mean...
“...and that proves Twilight Sparkle not only has the ability to exchange the minds and bodies of anypony around her… but that she’s also covered it up by changing the memories of everypony in Equestria!” She emphasized the final statement by slamming her little hoof down on the podium, causing an echoing ‘clop’ to resonate through the CMC clubhouse.
“Well, it was fun coming up with those theories at least, can you imagine if we really did have our memories muddled up? It was the only way I could make mine possible.” Scootaloo chuckled.
Oh, Scootaloo. So close and yet so far.
“Meh, it was probably just the wind.” Scootaloo asserted after a moment, closing her eyes in a satisfied self-assurance.
“Does the wind also shoot off flares?”
I love whenever someone's able to make fun of this cliched old line!
Standing over him as he lay unconscious, rich, bright red arterial blood spurting like a nightmarish garden hose, it had taken every ounce of her mental fortitude to resist screaming like a foal and heading for the hills.
Ooh, visceral. And it's such an image: Jacob on Trixie's back while he's bleeding and unconscious like this.
“Scooter Lou!"
<--
“No time for that now, Scoop Achoo, I need you to head back into town.... go get help right away. You two, assist Trixie immediately in carrying this Minotaur to th-”
Sweetie Belle cut her off, shouting at her “Trixie, that’s no minotaur, that’s a human!” She gasped as she saw the bloody bandage covering his head. “And he’s hurt! What have you done to Lero!?”
<-- First he's mistaken for a minotaur, then for Lero, himself! Nice touch!
and she stifled back tears of panic and sadness as she thought about what life in Ponyville would be like without the human.
Awww...
“Ahem… Songbird, DEAR,” Rarity called out, “pray tell, WHY are you pummeling our sweet prince without the cloud padding I had prepared for your session?” Rarity’s tone became sterner as she heard Lero’s groans from the dirt he’d been slammed into.
“If you don’t train to take a blow… every blow hits like a train..
. <-- This really IS so Rarity; she really would get irked to see Lero hurt. Plus, I love the image of her beating him while on her hind legs, so serenely.
Rarity seemed to suffer no ill effect as she confidently piloted the nimble cloud through the skies over Ponyville... Rarity’s cloud had three fluffy safety belts to fasten him, Lyra and Twilight securely to the rocketing nimbus platform... Dash was easily keeping pace alongside. It still warmed Lero’s heart to see the once bold daredevil work her powerful wings with effortless exertion in the air. It was one of the seemingly random things that the Swap had been unable to affect, and even now a happy grin was affixed to the multicolored mare’s muzzle.
Wonderful; really does feel at home in DR.
“Hey! Lero’s not fragile, he’s tough!” said Rainbow, bristling.
“I’ll need a lab coat that fits.”
Dr. Lero, MD. THIS is gonna be quite the conversation!
The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing, and the grass was grassing.
On days like these, kids like you should be burning in hell.
...Sorry, couldn't resist the reference.
“Does the wind also shoot off flares?” Asked Sweetie, tapping Scootaloo on the shoulder and twisting her toward the horizon, where a distant streak of red light travelled up from the treeline, bursting into a small smattering of sparkles.
Standing over him as he lay unconscious, rich, bright red arterial blood spurting like a nightmarish garden hose
Arterial blood? From a head injury?
I mean, don't get me wrong, there's going to be a lot of blood from a head injury, but the arteries are buried inside the skull when it comes to the head. Arterial spray tends to come from neck or limb injuries.
“Trixie, that’s no minotaur, that’s a human!” She gasped as she saw the bloody bandage covering his head. “And he’s hurt! What have you done to Lero!?”
Is this a reference to the Cross-Race Effect? (Well, I suppose it'd be the Cross-Species Effect, here), where people have difficulty identifying specific members of other races? (Well, species, again here.)
“If you don’t train to take a blow… every blow hits like a train... “ Lyra intoned,
I see Lyra's been taking lessons from The Sphinx.
“Besides, Lero insisted on receiving at least a few scrapes per sparring session.”
"Pain is, after all, an excellent teacher."
“Huh… guess it never occurred to me that there could be more than one human in Equestria… it’s kind of easy to forget you’re not the only human in existence.” Lyra sheepishly grinned as she rubbed the back of her head in embarrassment.
Well, not since Gus vanished/possibly died.
“Don’t they teach that spell in school anymore? They did in Trixie’s day! Trixie was the first in her class to master healing magic, you know. Ugh!”
Not good enough to actually offer casting a spell, I see, Beatrix Lulamoon.
Twilight nodded to her with a smile and repeated her question to Lero. “I said: should we wait at the hospital for Celestia to arrive? I don’t have any notes on how to properly handle ‘second’-contact with humans…”
Well, third contact, now. You'd figure Twilight would have started taking notes after Gus's arrival, since it proved Lero wasn't a Fluke
“I hadn’t thought about it Lero… but what if this human is violent, or…” Twilight took a dramatic gulp before pressing on “what if it came from... that other world.” Lero’s solemn face betrayed the worry that he held about the same subject, “it’s definitely possible… heck, it’s probably the most likely scenario…
Especially since that's the route Gus, took, too.
Quickly scanning left and right, Lyra instantly saw the golden, glinting armor of the royal guard. She let her readiness relax back into a slightly less alert state, knowing that any threat would not likely to come from these two guard pegasi... one of whom she even recognized as being a member of Celestia’s personal escort. The larger of the two armored pegasi pressed forward with his lance held at the half-guard, ready to block or eviscerate as required. “This hospital is under quarantine by order of the princess, you are hereby ordered to vacate immediately, if you have urg-” “Enough, Brazen Buckler, they may enter! We will have need of their assistance.”
Honestly, they're lucky the Princess showed up and interrupted, so they didn't get a dressing down from Lyra, after all, she's the Guard Reserve in charge of Ponyvlle. Honestly, you'd expect the guard to recognize her and give her a heads up instead of treating her like a Civvie.
“Tell me, Sir Lero, why do all humans cast themselves so frequently into peril, though they be such fragile creatures?” “Hey! Lero’s not fragile, he’s tough!” said Rainbow, bristling.
Once again implying Lero's tougher than your average human.
Lyra piped up, “what’s with this quarantine, Princess Luna? We know Lero’s not infectious or dangerous. Is this just a precaution or…” she let the question hang in the air hoping the princess would answer. Luna sighed, seeing that she would not be able to dodge the inquiry. “There is a… protocol… to such matters, Grandmaster Heartstrings.” She hoofed the ground awkwardly before continuing.
One assumes this same protocol was in effect for Gus, but since it was first-person, and he was unconscious for weeks, he never saw it, and he was probably announced before he woke up.
“I’ll need a lab coat that fits.”
Thankfully, there's probably a couple in Gus's old lab.
anyhow, man, that's a pretty good chapter, there. The only real problem I can point out is you forgot that Jacob is the third human to arrive in Equestria- since Xenophilia: Advanced is in-continuity to Divided Rainbow.
I've been waiting on pins and needles for this review!
Great points as always! I especially liked your feedback on how I'd handled Gus.
I think I need to reread Xeno:advanced so I can refamiliarize myself with that story and reference Gus appropriately. You picked up on the hints I pointed out, but I chickened out of outright mentioning Gus's story.
As always, incredible feedback! Can't wait to show you more!
All I can say is that I like where this is going. Well written, well paced, and you've managed to capture the essence of characters. Heck I like the way you managed to portray Luna.
derpicdn.net/img/2012/1/17/558/full.gif
Many stories have her using way too many thee and thou and not actually speaking correctly at all.
All in all, I give this a 9/10 :)
can not wait to see where you go with this story
I agree with the first poster; this really is a solid start. When I get annoyed that I'm getting close to the end of a chapter in a story that's really not even off the ground yet it's a good sign. I will say I'm a bit worn thin of the 'ye olde butchered Englishe' approach with Luna... she hasn't talked that way in several seasons. But you're hardly the only writer to go that route with her, so it's a minor gripe, a smirking eye roll at most. She certainly speaks formally in canon to this day, but most of her original patterns just aren't so pronounced. Other than that her portrayal was good, no issues with the content of her role here.
I like how Trixie talked about mastering healing spells without apparently offering to cast one; instead she lets Sweetie knock herself out... literally. She's nice enough to try and get Jacob to a hospital after almost braining him but she hasn't left behind her character, flaws and all.
The humor here was good. It really suits the DR Leroverse to go with a reference like Alien for laughs, just as one example. Worked for me. On a related note, the other characters came in well in terms of being on point to how I see them in this verse. That's no small task to take on, and so far you look to have a handle on it.
The upcoming meeting definitely has me looking forward, nice work all around here.
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Thanks for your comments! They mean a lot, definitely brings a smile to know the story is being enjoyed even at such an early stage.
I subscribe to the character theory that people revert to their comfort zone when stressed. Luna, for all her modernizing is still a mare brought forward from 1000 years in the past, especially at this point of the chronology where DR is set. When the chips are down, her old accent and even ways of thinking may come out.
I am so glad that I'm getting the right feel on the Leroverse/DR characters thus far... so essential to be able to carry over the feel.
I'm also happy the humour is carrying over. I never want it to feel cheap, but the little crossovers are such a fun part of DR and pony fics in general.
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Yeah, that's the excuse everyone uses, even if the Tantibus episode more or less sinks it at this point, for us, if not within this fic's chronology. Still, I'm debating just to debate, no malice in it. My question would be though: while that's an in universe reason for her linguistic reversion, why make that choice as an author? It's difficult to properly write in that style, 9 out of 10 bungle it. I won't spoil whether you did, since it's not that important, but I'm curious what drives the decision to use it.
6966255
No worries, nothing like a friendly debate.
I think that by season 4/5 Luna has had a bit more time to modernize her speech. For me the Luna of Nightmare Night, reaching back out to society for the first time in millennia, unsure, hesitating, awkward, struck a very true chord.
As an author, there's no big reason as to why to use that inflection. Early on in stories one of your biggest risks is that your characters have the same 'voice'. Masterful authors can create that different voice easily... but for myself, in a new story, posting for the first time in this community... I'll take the easy way as much as I can get away with. This means Luna goes Shakespearian, Applebloom gets a drawl, and Rarity gets flighty and posh. It probably feels cheap to readers like you, but with the majority it should feel comfortable and familiar (I hope). When I'm a bit more confident in my ability, I can put those more junior tools aside.
Do let me know if there are any errors though, I'd rather they are pointed out and corrected than stay in the text!
Cheers!
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Nah, I wouldn't call it 'cheap'. It's a stylistic choice and a valid one; I just wanted to hear the reasoning. It's not a mistake, especially if her early characterization has meaning for you. That's as good a reason as any; this is a fanfic, after all. As to searching for errors... well I don't normally do that. I'm actually a professional editor (sales magazine... not the most exciting work), so off the clock, as it were, I prefer to just discuss stylistic variations and light literary theory as opposed to harping on typos. That said, I'll keep my eyes open.
6966376
Ah gotcha. Well I appreciate the support!
Another good one!
Let's see, the prologue was called "Illegal Immigration," this one is "Assault and Battery," I'm starting to pick up on a theme in your chapter names... whatever could it mean...
Oh, Scootaloo. So close and yet so far.
I love whenever someone's able to make fun of this cliched old line!
Ooh, visceral. And it's such an image: Jacob on Trixie's back while he's bleeding and unconscious like this.
<--
<-- First he's mistaken for a minotaur, then for Lero, himself! Nice touch!
Awww...
. <-- This really IS so Rarity; she really would get irked to see Lero hurt. Plus, I love the image of her beating him while on her hind legs, so serenely.
Wonderful; really does feel at home in DR.
Dr. Lero, MD. THIS is gonna be quite the conversation!
Well done! Can't wait to see the next one!
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Thanks MT!
Was a big relief to see you approved of how I voiced Rarity, and that you enjoyed this chapter.
Let me know if you ever think I'm missing any important DR themes!
Ok! time to get my review on! *Cracks knuckles*
On days like these, kids like you should be burning in hell.
...Sorry, couldn't resist the reference.
"Well... yeah, maybe, sometimes!" Scootaloo snapped defensively.
Arterial blood? From a head injury?
I mean, don't get me wrong, there's going to be a lot of blood from a head injury, but the arteries are buried inside the skull when it comes to the head. Arterial spray tends to come from neck or limb injuries.
Is this a reference to the Cross-Race Effect? (Well, I suppose it'd be the Cross-Species Effect, here), where people have difficulty identifying specific members of other races? (Well, species, again here.)
I see Lyra's been taking lessons from The Sphinx.
"Pain is, after all, an excellent teacher."
Well, not since Gus vanished/possibly died.
Not good enough to actually offer casting a spell, I see, Beatrix Lulamoon.
Well, third contact, now. You'd figure Twilight would have started taking notes after Gus's arrival, since it proved Lero wasn't a Fluke
Especially since that's the route Gus, took, too.
Honestly, they're lucky the Princess showed up and interrupted, so they didn't get a dressing down from Lyra, after all, she's the Guard Reserve in charge of Ponyvlle. Honestly, you'd expect the guard to recognize her and give her a heads up instead of treating her like a Civvie.
Once again implying Lero's tougher than your average human.
One assumes this same protocol was in effect for Gus, but since it was first-person, and he was unconscious for weeks, he never saw it, and he was probably announced before he woke up.
Thankfully, there's probably a couple in Gus's old lab.
anyhow, man, that's a pretty good chapter, there. The only real problem I can point out is you forgot that Jacob is the third human to arrive in Equestria- since Xenophilia: Advanced is in-continuity to Divided Rainbow.
Hope this helps!
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Hey Rikmach!
I've been waiting on pins and needles for this review!
Great points as always! I especially liked your feedback on how I'd handled Gus.
I think I need to reread Xeno:advanced so I can refamiliarize myself with that story and reference Gus appropriately. You picked up on the hints I pointed out, but I chickened out of outright mentioning Gus's story.
As always, incredible feedback! Can't wait to show you more!
Isn't Lyra's rank Seargeant?