You sir are a blaggard and a nincompoop

by CaiusTheShadowPony

A letter to a . . . . (sigh) prince

Dear prince Blue-Blood,

I am writing this letter to you to let you know exactly what I think about your atrocious behavior at the grand galloping gala, and if you ask anypony who was there they would agree what miss Rarity said to you was not only true but in fact a long time coming.
After hearing what Rarity had to say I have decided that its about time I do the same. Now without further ado, here are my thoughts on the matter.

YOU SIR ARE A BLAGGARD AND A NINCOMPOOP!!!!! I mean by Starswirls beard how have you gone this long without somepony telling you this to your face, or at the very least throwing their hoof in it!?! Honestly a few days TARTARUS!!! even a few months or years in a dungeon cell would be worth it just to see that stupid look wiped clean of that smug smirk on your snout!

You know what? No physically hitting you is to good for you. What somepony really should do is dig a pit in the middle of the Everfree Forest, fill it with the most dangerous creatures Equestria has to offer, and throw you in with nothing more than a rubber chicken to protect yourself with! And that would be just for your pompousness! OH YES, I can think of much worse for you to be put through for everything else. HAHAHAHA.

Maybe I'll have somepony come to your room in the middle of the night and spirit you away to a far of land and the only way back to Equestria will be PHYSICAL LABOR! You'll be covered in dirt and sweat forced to bathe in the sea or rivers for all to see, and not only will you have to save your bits to get back home but you will also need to buy food! And not the high class delicacy's your pallet is use to but commoner food from vendors on the streets with ponies touching everything after their hooves have been on the ground.

Or maybe we should leave you stranded in the frozen wastes left to the elements and the nothingness.

Then again maybe you'll wake up in Las Pegasus in a bathtub full of ice with your stallionhood missing along with various other organs such as that vile tongue in you head. And your kidneys of course.

And I know what your probably thinking right now: something along the lines of "But i'm a prince! I have guards to protect me and my aunt is princess Celestia! She wouldn't let that happen to me." But just think for a minute if that tiny brain will allow it. How many time have you insulted your guards just because of their standing in the world hmmmmm?. And what about your auntie Celestia? I am sure by now she is sick of all the embarrassment you have put her through and all the nobles she has to listen to complain about you day in and day out.

And how about what she has to put up with every year at the gala I've heard so many stories about what you get up to there, and its always the same thing! You arrive insult the "LOWER CLASS." ponies, As you call them ponies invited from around Equestria by your aunt to join in the party, ponies who might I add have far more class than you ever will. Then comes the drinking and the flirting. I was speaking to Fancy Pants at the gala last year and he informed me that after you were done harassing almost every mare at the buffet table you decided it would be a good idea to place your hoof on Fleur de lis's flank and trying to force yourself onto her. Now, I have known Fancy Pants for a long time and have never seen him angry until that night. If it wasn't for ponies convincing him to take Fleur and head home he would have put you in Canterlot infirmary. I think that I speak for everypony when I say that we were all glad when you finally passed out on the bar and had to be carried back to your room.

You are without a doubt the most arrogant thick headed good for nothing useless disappointment of a prince Equestria, nay, the world has ever seen BUT!!! we are going to give you one last chance: either you act like a respectable pony during the gala tomorrow night or we'll make sure that not only will this be the last gala you attend but it might just be your last night on this world.
Hoping you are well A.C.

Prince Blue-Blood sat at the breakfast table, his mouth hanging open as his eye starts to twitch rising from his seat. He heads back to his room, locks the door, opens the door to his walk in closet, and steps inside. Closing the door behind him he sits on the floor curling into a ball and begins to sob to himself.

Outside the door to his chamber Blue-Bloods guards lean against the door listening to the sounds coming from within. Suppressing their laughter, they call out: "Your highness is everything ok in there." The sobbing stops.

"I am fine (sniff . . . sniff) please inform auntie Celestia that I wont be making it to the gala tonight; i'm to busy."

The guards exchange a hoof bump with one another as they turn to walk down the hallway to deliver the princes message.

"Hopefully we can attend the gala in peace tonight since we wont be foalsitting that pompoms twit." Said the unicorn guard to his partner as he and the other guard walked towards the throne room doors.

"You said it! I was this close to smacking him in the head with a wine bottle last year! Would have served him right calling Octavia a fillyfooler."

His partner chuckled yeah, but unfortunately the princess put a sleeping spell on him before he got himself killed. i'm surprised at princess Celestia, though. How does she keep a calm head around him?"

A shrug was the only response he got before they entered the throne room where princess Celestia and Luna were sitting on their thrones.
the princesses raised their heads to see their visitors, and it was Celestia who greeted them.

"Ah Blunt Force and Swift Strike! What can we do for you on this fine morning." A light smile graced her muzzle as the guard bowed then stood up again.

Blunt Force was the one to reply. "We have a message for you from prince Blue-Blood. He regrets to inform you that he is to busy to attend the gala tonight."

Celestia's smile was replaced with a disappointed look. "Really that's a shame, but if he is busy I guess it can't be helped. Thank you for telling me. You are both dismissed for the night. You may mingle with the ponies at the gala if you so wish. Have a nice night.

After thanking the princesses for their kind offer, the guards left the throne room, leaving the two alone. Luna broke the silence. "So, Tia, would you care to explain what this is?"

Celestia looked at the piece of paper suspended in her sisters magical grip with a smirk and a chuckle as she rises from her throne and walks towards the door as she shouts back to her sister. "A little bit of encouragement from Auntie Celestia." And with that she walks out of the door shutting it behind her.

Luna sighed looking over the letter once again as one thing crosses her mind. "Blue-Blood's going to have a rough morning. First this letter from Tia and now he's still got the surprise I left in his personal washroom. OH WELL nothing to do but sit back and wait 3... 2... 1... now."

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!."

"RRRROOOOOOAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR."

Two minutes earlier...

Blue-Blood rose from the fetal position in his closet, his muzzle damp with tears as he opened the closet door, heading for his mirror to look at himself. "Ugh I look simply atrocious! My face is a mess, my eyes are bloodshot, and my mane! Guess I should head to my washroom and clean up. Don't want the servants to see me like this."

Opening the washroom door Blue-Blood stepped inside and walked to the sink. Turning on the taps and splashing water on his face to freshen up he reaches for one of his imported Saddle Arabian towels to dry off he hears a low growling noise. "Huh must be my stomach; Didn't get much of a breakfast earlier."

Another growl was heard, this one louder and coming from behind him. Slowly he lowered the towel and began to turn round, and there in his bathtub sat a particularly angry looking-

"MANTICORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ."

Blue-Blood burst from his bedroom as the manticore started to give chase. He ran out of the castle and through the streets of Canterlot as a certain blue alicorn sat on the roof of the castle laughing at the scene she had a hoof in causing.

Author's Note:

Hope you enjoyed this one I was board and saw a picture of Blue-Blood and decided to write this quick fic
p.s. this is were I got the name for the fic

Also thanks to >>6946997 for helping me with the grammar/punctuation

Comments

[Cheer]

You Definitely need an editor. It started out pretty good with letter and reaction but then the end with the guards, Celestia, the manticore. Those to me personally set off the feeling of the story.

But my personal gripes aside, you still need an editor. There's grammar, punctuation and spelling errors abound.

[Bronzedragon]

Like the premise but as has been said needs editing.
found these with a quick look this does not include the grammar and punctuation that I do not feel qualified to point out. good start.

"But i'm a prince ( [ I'm ] several instances of this one])
just because of there standing [ their ]
the princesses raised there heads [ their ]
guard bowed the stood up again. [ then ]
"Rely that's a shame [ really ]
I guess it cant be helped [ can't ]
smirk and a chuckle ( ? ) she rises from her [ as ]
Blue-Blood's going to have a ruff morning [ rough ]
Blue-Blood rose from the fettle position [ fetal ]
towels to dry of he hear a low growling noise. [ off, hears ]
I was board and saw a picture [ bored ]
as a Certain blue alicorn [ certain ] blue alicorn sat on the room of the cast [ ??????? ]

[MythrilMoth]

Not reading this, but the title caught my attention because you're using a word you don't actually know how to spell and probably don't even know the meaning of.

There is no such word as "blaggard". The actual word is "blackguard".

[Minalkra]

6918028
I thought he meant 'braggart.'

EDIT: Saying it out loud, yeah I can see blackguard in there.

[Cytotoxin]

Flaky and rushed. And kind of... pointless.

There`s more to revenge then juvenile pranks and mean letters. Something most people here seem to fail to grasp.

6918028
Blaggard does exist as a word. It`s an obvious corruption of "blackguard", obviously, but by now it does have it`s meaning and is a word in it`s own right.

[Bobby Dole]

Can't tell if the title is meant to be "Blackguard" or "Braggart".

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

Yeah i need an editor to help me out with this stuff was not to bothered with this one just got a bit board and decided to mess around thanks for the constructive criticism though

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

6918028 https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/blaggard

[The Great Derpsby]

6918278
6918602
And yet, ironically enough, the sketch where the title's taken from actually uses "braggart".

Which is of course much worse than threatening to kill someone or siccing dangerous animals on them for personal amusement.

Actually, considering his aunts, I'm surprised Blueblood didn't turn out worse.

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

6917816 Thank you for pointing those out for me

[MythrilMoth]

6918602 Wiktionary is proof of nothing. That's like using Urban Dictionary to back yourself up. Regardless, the proper spelling is "blackguard". I'm simply trying to inform you of something here. Being defensive about it or trying to "win" a pointless argument instead of simply accepting that you made a mistake and correcting it is bad form.

[WestRail642fan]

Russell Howard is so fucking funny

[CatStar The Fourth]

Awesome fic! Nice to see BlueBlood get his comupence one in a while.

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

6924478 glad you like it

[NewKerbalEmpire]

This has practically no punctuation whatsoever. I could correct the grammar for you, if you like.

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

6946681 that would be very appreciated

[CaiusTheShadowPony]

6946997 thank you

[Sanguine Eyes]

Oh this looks hilarious imma put this on my list