Years before six brave mares faced off against a returned Nightmare Moon, a young mare by the name of Sauer Kraut lived on her family’s farm in the Mysterious South at the foot of Macintosh Hills.
Her biggest issues in life were the constant search for new challenges and projects as well as her family's unenthused reactions to them. But was it really her fault that nopony got the brilliance behind her ideas?
However, her entire life got turned upside down the day a patrol of the Southern Equestrian Legion shot down a mysterious creature flying right overhead.
Big thank you to Recon777, Alcatraz, Civviq Writer, Silver Lighnen, Turning Gears,
Iryerris and last but not least KeyframeProductions for advise, brainstorming and proof reading!
Chapters (2)
Hmm first chapter read. I'm very intrigued as to where this story is going and who, or what, this mysterious flyer is. I don't have any real critisism about the chapter as it is either. I approve. ^_^
Finally, hehe being patient is good
Well, it is a good beginning, really interesting.
Just one thing called my attention in a particular way: " Cloppenburg", really? XD
I want more, i will be looking foward for another chapter :3
6913013 Wel... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloppenburg
6913003 Glad to hear :)
So that's what you're going with. Clever.
Sauer Kraut. Who hates their kid that much? Punny pony names aside.
Oh dear.
Well, that's, certainly effective.
Sat a few.
This is hysterical.
You clever mare.
Probably not.
Ooh, so close to a Pokemon joke.
Why?
Ooh, I know that feel.
Considering what I think it is, yes.
OK... This just got interesting.
Well, if you want my opinion, it's pretty good so far, got a few chuckles out of me, I look forward to commenting on this fic.
inserting.
good start, keep it coming plz ..
6913046 And looking back to read your comments as well - it is rather entertaining to read and at the same also support informative to get an impression what is going on in your head while reading ^^
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Glad to be of service.
AnY i like the Story so far. And I like the "deutschen Einflüsse"
I hope for more.
Grettings Form iserlohn germany
Alright, AnY, AJ here... First off, you should proably learn how to link a users acount here. To do so, just copy say, Key's Fim fic or YouTube acount, then when editing, click on the icon that looks like two chain links next to the color wheel and the picture of the mountain. You can also use the mountain link to put pictures and the YouTube ion next to it to post viedos if needed.
Let me know if you need any help and I'll gie a critique of the story next chapter, though good job so far, caught my attention while staying in, what I consider, an ideal amount of words for a first chapter (2000-4000)
Anymore and then casual readers would either put it off or not read.
Howdy from Texas, AnY. Long time viewer, first time reader (Obviously). I'm liking the first chapter. It started out pretty vanilla until you got to the part where Sauer gagged a rooster. I read that and suddenly I'm like "Oh? Well, this could be interesting." Clearly Sauer is fun loving and chaotic, but already she's teetering on the edge of absurd recklessness. What if the rooster had died? What if her sister had been seriously hurt. She already reminds me of some morbid cross between Pinkie Pie and Lenny from Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men. Next she'll be hugging a bunny to death.
You're English, though I'm sure it's probably pretty heavily proofread, is very good. The odd German phrases don't bother me, but that's really only because I understand most of them. Obviously this piece seems to be somewhat autobiographical so it's probably important to include some of your native tongue, I would just caution against using phrases that are too subtle or contextual for your every day English speaker to understand. They might otherwise seem off putting.
I personally hope this fic tends more towards seriousness than comedy, but that's because I enjoy reading about harsh, morbid realities rather than sugary, comical ones.
I anticipate more comedy, but also some very dramatic, potentially world shattering events. You know you've got a good character when I'm hoping the plot of the story is based around her actions and reactions to situations. Anyways, good luck. Can't wait to read the next one~
Wow, AnY! Looks like you've joined the ranks of fimfiction's talented storytellers! Welcome aboard.
It's a pleasure working with you! This is going to be fun.
So far so good. This might just be a me thing, but I'd work on your wording a little bit. I realize that this isn't your native language, but repetition isn't necessary and can, at times, detract from the story. Using words like "it" in place of "the rooster" or "the sun" could be favored at times as it cuts down on the unnecessary word count in a sentence. All things considered, this was a very good first chapter and I look forward to reading more.
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Ha! Yes, she's quite something. Absurd recklessness is a good way to say it. And she's not narcissistic; she's just absolutely convinced that she is right. This makes her an interesting character because someone who is so convinced in their own worldview, who then changes over the course of the story, makes for some good drama. I like her fierce compassion and devotion. She's a lot more multidimensional than you see just in chapter one. It's gonna get interesting.
AnY sure has constructed an intriguing character.
You have no idea.
No, seriously, it was fun! And AnY is picking up those writing skills very fast. I'm impressed. Imagine having to juggle contradicting punctuation rules between English and German! That would drive me crazy.
Then you won't be disappointed!
Hmm, when i have the chance TheAnYPony i will ready your story here so far readying the first part sounds good. I might read it when i have free time ;)
? someone... actually wrote something? : O Niccceeee...
A bit of a slow start and not really much for me to form any solid opinions just yet, however, Sauer's almost Pinkie-like logic is enough to at least perk my curiosity. I'll give this a follow for now to see how the next chapter or two unfolds.
6913033 well, I'm glad to see that you've taken to writing! It's even on a promising first start. Problem is, for whatever reason, Analysis Bronies and fabrics tend not to mix very well. I hope you'll be the exception.
Love it.
6913033 well try to anderstand that i am Argentinian, and when i read that... i read "clop" out loud xD
Wow, you made the Popular box in your first chapter? Applause!
I like these characters already. Sauer must be a handful to deal with to her family. Good start so far.
...
Yep...
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Well, Recon already replied to some of your points, but hey! I'll throw in my own two bits anyways
Yeah, during my first draft my proofreader often questioned some of her actions and I replied that I want her to actually be a bit insane. So, when I started my second approach I came up with this idea how to show off her unconventional perception of reality
Not as much as you might guess (even though I already discovered some elements that sneaked their way into the story straight from my RL). The German words are really more of a gimmick. But no worries: My proofreader are constantly on my back whenever I use German words in a confusing context.
No worries - I didn't tag this story as humor for a reason
I am aiming for fun fun characters with entertaining interactions but the story overall is rather serious. However, I wouldn't count on world shattering events either—it's still slice of life and not adventure
But yeah, in any way, I hope the upcoming chapters are going to please you ^^
Das ist gut.
Ich spreche noa bichen Deutsch.
... well, maybe less than I thought... fell out of practice.
Anyway, your English is really good.
I also really enjoyed this chapter. Keep writing, good sir.
And if you ever feel like helping someone learn German... I am always willing to learn
I liked it. It left me with a lot of questions like, "why is the father crippled?", "Why is Sauer so different in her thought process?", "Did she actually screw up her chores, of if she didn't, how did she get so good at them?" and finally "What is this new creature?". I am hooked. Tracking!
I'm wracking my brain for a critique. One thing I did notice is that you don't use conjunctions very often, which is common for a non native speaker. Problem is, the characters you set up don't sound like immigrants to a new country, but farmers who have probably been there for generations. Them having a non native accent like yourself doesn't work very well... but then again it's not really all that noticeable. Then again, if this family was formed in semi isolation, perhaps they known modern equestrian (not English, though yea, that's what it is) but haven't had enough exposure to change their vernacular that much. Really I would have to know their history to know if this is a problem or not and this is just chapter 1. Asking for much more than we got would be practically begging for an exposition dump.
Hmm, well there's also the point that for most of the chapter, the characters being ponies doesn't change much from how they would act if they were humans. It's not until the last few paragraphs that elements are introduced that are unique to Equestria, ie, magic and flying sentient creatures. I got a sense that these were ponies in name only. It didn't detract too much from the story though this time. One thing I might suggest is to highlight how exactly the father can do daily activities like say, drinking coffee. For a human, this is easy to imagine. However for a pony, which in the show has to use both hooves to compensate for the lack of thumbs, losing a foreleg could be even more devastating than a human losing an arm. At least you would still have fingers. So how does he drink coffee? Does he wrap it in the crook of his ankle and use his mouth to control it? Yes that was my instinctive assumption, but bringing it up helps cement that this is indeed a pony we're talking about.
Maybe this is why so few stories are devoted to earth ponies. It's difficult to separate them from humans. What do they do that requires them to be in a mystical land? Maybe you could find a way to note that they harvest every crop every day, which in the modern world would be impossible without ridiculous technology? AJ does this. (At least I think she does, the show is rather unclear on that point.) Maybe a little equine slang might help, like "sweet Celestia!" or maybe "Luna damn it!". Hey, you're the reviewer who gets upset when ponies don't sit the right way, so I'm pretty sure you at least have an idea of where I'm coming from.
And now, I have to go think about my life... my computer and internet connection now both know that I'm supposed to capitalize Luna and Celestia and corrected me for such while I was writing this. Am I really THAT into this fandom?
This is miles better than I expected for the genre.
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Let me say it like this: half of those question will get answered within the story, the answer to the other two is "It is Sauer Kraut"
Short answer: not it is really just writing. If a character from the heartland would appear he would talk the same way - expect the German words, obviously! Those are part of the South Macintosh Hills Slang. So, no: they aren't immigrants at all they are typical locals of the region
I'll have to ask my proofreaders about the conjunctions, I guess.
Yeah, good point especially since I criticized fictions before for being a story featuring ponies playing the parts of humans. However not really sure how to fix this except maybe drawing more attention to details like the coffee mug.
However this issue might also resolve itself within the next chapter since we are no longer dealing with only earth ponies.
They do, don't they? There is at least Blau screaming "by the mare in the moon". But yeah, with all the German curses it came a bit short.
Good point
One of these moments
6917120 Thank you very kindly
Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath there - with the little time I have left besides work, a side job as teacher is not really in it
Uuhh! Old westwood logo! - So much nostalgia
6914510 That's all I could ever ask for ^^
6918531 I understand. Not everyone has time for side activities
And yah, Westwood was best company.
There needs to be Luna icons...
Depending on how off her rocker Sauer is, I think my original, original character, hence one I made for a series independent of MLP, would be really funny to see interact with her. Jessica is 140 years old and loves to use her experience and intelligence to play with people's heads. To the extent that she will even wear outfits like, red shoes, with red socks, red pants, a red shirt, red jacket and red hat just to see people's reactions. She knows she looks crazy, she knows she acts crazy, it's just more fun that way. She would probably have a blast with Sauer.
My current pony OC... is a hyperactive and naive eight-year-old who is very gullible and forms strong bonds very quickly... at least forms them in her head. I suppose that could be an interesting meeting, but not as interesting.
I eagerly await the next chapter.
Sauer must have some sweet eyesight to discern that from such a distance
Sauer Kraut is a great and fun character already, I like sauerkraut too, but I still prefer my grünkohl as evening meal
I really wanted to make this joke ever since I first heard the name Sauer Kraut, please spare me for bad jokes.
6920291
D'oh!
Missed that one.
Good catch!
I understand Sauer Kraut.
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Not really - I mentioned somewhere in the forum (or was it in a now resolved comment on the doc?) that I play with the gimmick, that "she" is the default pronoun in Equestria instead of "he"
This is a fun read, and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. Sauer seems to have a similar thought process to Pinkie Pie, but with a very different personality.
I don't know most of the German words, but the meaning was made perfectly clear through context. Also, whenever the ponies used the German words I heard them speaking in your accent in my head.
A good first establishing chapter, AnY. You didn't use a lot of description on the characters or the farmstead, so the flip side to not knowing what some of them look like is that you also avoid intrusive description. The characters are interesting, and their interactions realistic.
Some little, pesky errors remain:
Slips into present tense, then back to past tense.
Redundant. 'Both mares froze' is sufficient.
You also tend to use a lot of exclamation marks. I hope everyone's not always shouting!
English isn't your first language? Could have fooled me, even despite the handful of errors, I've seen so many native English speakers write so much worse.
As for the story, I am intriguéd.
Looks interesting.. going to add it to read later for now and wait for more chapters before I read.
6923826 fixed ;)
6924660 Don't tell my proofreaders! They are already busting their asses fixing all y screw-ups; if they hear they still missed some, that would be horrible
6926065 Always glad to help, AnY.
Say, given the choice, would your ponysona, Smart Alec, return to the Rift or stay in Equestria?
6926065
Error elimination is like a half-life. With each pass, a certain percentage is taken out. But there's always a risk that some slip through.
I've had silly typos and stuff survive a full year with half a dozen highly detailed people looking it over!
And if YOU break its fall, YOU could be horribly injured if not worse.
And the moment I say it, it happens. I swear I'm psychic sometimes.
A Changeling.
Well, that's gotta help somewhat, but with how close it is to impact, not much.
Phew.
It IS a changeling. Also, I'd say get a professional since well, you have no idea how this thing's insides work.
Not impossible, however, equine shape or not, once again, you have no clue how that thing reproduces, it may not need said obvious features, it could just lay eggs or something.
Huh?
Even so, THAT THING was IN MID AIR! Wouldn't it have been a better idea to have pegasi intercept it right after the spell?
I can't speak German, but I get the feeling that's not very polite language. Also, fendind ofF.
Stun spell I bet.
Oh. I see.
Fair enough.
Bad move.
Doubt it, once again, alien physiology, what might be a pain killer for a pony could be a stimulant or a poison for a Changeling.
My guess this is right after Canterlot Wedding, and the Changeling got hurt in either the fight with the Mane 6, probable, and or the Love Shield/Repulse, and word about Changelings has yet to reach this place.
Sauer, buddy, you attacked them. You're not exactly in a favorable position.
Take your time.
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6928712
Thanks. I've got practice.
6928712 6928695 Fixed it!
Because no species exists with internal genitalia!
(considers snakes, lizards, cetaceans, pinnipeds, birds, insects, fish...)
Oh... *stupid ponies and their lousy basic biology education*
6928695 Once again great to get this live reader experience
wait for it...
Well, the tag on the story kind of is a dead give-away...
There have already been some hints towards the time frame we are in during at least chapter one
Thanks ^^
6928749
Happy to entertain, Mr AnY.
I thought that'd amused.
Point taken. Makes me wonder though, why DO we say dead give-away? Why not a live give-away? Eh, English is weird.
True. Might have to reread that to see if I can catch them.
As far as I'm concerned, my general policy with content, be it fics, reviews, episodes, whatever, is it takes the time it needs to take for it to be up to a decent standard. Bottom line, I'd rather wait an extra week for something good, than have it a week early and said thing having clear sings of being rushed.