• Member Since 1st Jan, 2013
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TheAnYPony


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Years before six brave mares faced off against a returned Nightmare Moon, a young mare by the name of Sauer Kraut lived on her family’s farm in the Mysterious South at the foot of Macintosh Hills.

Her biggest issues in life were the constant search for new challenges and projects as well as her family's unenthused reactions to them. But was it really her fault that nopony got the brilliance behind her ideas?

However, her entire life got turned upside down the day a patrol of the Southern Equestrian Legion shot down a mysterious creature flying right overhead.


Big thank you to Recon777, Alcatraz, Civviq Writer, Silver Lighnen, Turning Gears,
Iryerris and last but not least KeyframeProductions for advise, brainstorming and proof reading!

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 94 )

Hmm first chapter read. I'm very intrigued as to where this story is going and who, or what, this mysterious flyer is. I don't have any real critisism about the chapter as it is either. I approve. ^_^

Finally, hehe being patient is good

Well, it is a good beginning, really interesting.
Just one thing called my attention in a particular way: " Cloppenburg", really? XD

I want more, i will be looking foward for another chapter :3

Hello out there! My name is Ayn Wye.

So that's what you're going with. Clever.

Her name is Sauer Kraut

Sauer Kraut. Who hates their kid that much? Punny pony names aside.

While trotting out into the hallway, she pondered what would be the easiest and quickest way to wake everypony up. Suddenly, a brilliant idea hit her!

Oh dear.

With glee, she turned to the door of the bedroom next to hers and entered without hesitation. Sauer noticed to her satisfaction that the room’s owner was still fast asleep in her bed. She quickly trotted over to the bed, whirled around and gave it a powerful buck, flipping it on its side and sending its occupant into the gap between the wall and the furniture.
Sauer pulled herself up to the edge of the sideways bed and grinned down at the noisy, confused, twitching bundle of pony and blanket.

Well, that's, certainly effective.

The bundle stopped moving, and an angry-looking eye glared up at Sauer from within the fabric. Sauer took this as her cue to slide back down the bed, sita few steps away and put her hooves over her ears.

Sat a few.

“What, by the Mare in the Moon, Is wrong with you, you insane lunatic?! Have you finally snapped, you verfickter nutjob?!” This was followed by a few feral screams and the sounds of a pony fighting her way out of a blanket

This is hysterical.

Sauer Kraut listened to the hallway and could hear voices and movements from the other rooms. “Perfect! Looks like everypony is awake now. Thanks for the help, Blauy! See you at breakfast!” With this, Sauer Kraut happily left the room and turned towards the stairs. One of her cousins was peeking out of his room with sleepy eyes, and she wished him a good morning in passing.

You clever mare.

Blau struggled futilely for a moment until a deep, husky voice sounded from behind her. “Do I even wanna know?”
Both mares froze in their movements and turned towards the source of the voice. At the head of the otherwise empty table in the center of the common room sat Weiss Kraut, their father. He looked at them with a raised eyebrow while holding a mug of coffee in his one remaining front hoof.

Probably not.

“No, it was for a very good reason! I needed to wake everypony up since the rooster can’t do it, and you were my alarm clock. It was super efficient!”

Ooh, so close to a Pokemon joke.

“Well…” Sauer glanced at her sister, who was staring back at her, eyebrow raised. She wasn't going to get out of this one. “He can’t wake everypony up today since he is gagged.” Blau’s eyes widened, and Sauer quickly looked back to her father. Weiss Kraut still smiled, and unlike her sister, he showed no sign of shock. However, there was something else in his look. Disappointment? Worry? Sadness?

Why?

Sauer fought against a misty sensation in her eyes. He was talking to her as if she was a filly again. She was a grown up, adult mare for crying out loud! She was the oldest amongst her siblings! Just because they… misunderstood her way of thinking didn’t make her a child!

Ooh, I know that feel.

Sauer finished her sandwich and laid back looking into the bright sky. What a beautiful day. When she turned west, she could even see the small cloud settlement hovering above Cloppenburg. She then noticed a single pegasus, high up in the sky, flying towards her. As she came closer, Sauer noticed that something was off about the flyer: she clearly had the shape of a pony, but Sauer couldn’t make out any wings. Or were those translucent blurs on either side of the flyer supposed to be wings?

Considering what I think it is, yes.

Suddenly, a flash of light startled Sauer when a magic bolt was fired into the air from not very far away. The magic projectile hit the flyer, and she started dropping towards the ground.

OK... This just got interesting.

This being my first ever published story (not to mention in an foreign language) I am very curious about your feedback!

Well, if you want my opinion, it's pretty good so far, got a few chuckles out of me, I look forward to commenting on this fic.

good start, keep it coming plz ..

6913046 And looking back to read your comments as well - it is rather entertaining to read and at the same also support informative to get an impression what is going on in your head while reading ^^

AnY i like the Story so far. And I like the "deutschen Einflüsse"
I hope for more.
Grettings Form iserlohn germany

Alright, AnY, AJ here... First off, you should proably learn how to link a users acount here. To do so, just copy say, Key's Fim fic or YouTube acount, then when editing, click on the icon that looks like two chain links next to the color wheel and the picture of the mountain. You can also use the mountain link to put pictures and the YouTube ion next to it to post viedos if needed.
Let me know if you need any help and I'll gie a critique of the story next chapter, though good job so far, caught my attention while staying in, what I consider, an ideal amount of words for a first chapter (2000-4000)
Anymore and then casual readers would either put it off or not read.

Howdy from Texas, AnY. Long time viewer, first time reader (Obviously). I'm liking the first chapter. It started out pretty vanilla until you got to the part where Sauer gagged a rooster. I read that and suddenly I'm like "Oh? Well, this could be interesting." Clearly Sauer is fun loving and chaotic, but already she's teetering on the edge of absurd recklessness. What if the rooster had died? What if her sister had been seriously hurt. She already reminds me of some morbid cross between Pinkie Pie and Lenny from Steinbeck's Of Mice and Men. Next she'll be hugging a bunny to death. :pinkiegasp:

You're English, though I'm sure it's probably pretty heavily proofread, is very good. The odd German phrases don't bother me, but that's really only because I understand most of them. Obviously this piece seems to be somewhat autobiographical so it's probably important to include some of your native tongue, I would just caution against using phrases that are too subtle or contextual for your every day English speaker to understand. They might otherwise seem off putting.

I personally hope this fic tends more towards seriousness than comedy, but that's because I enjoy reading about harsh, morbid realities rather than sugary, comical ones. :pinkiecrazy: I anticipate more comedy, but also some very dramatic, potentially world shattering events. You know you've got a good character when I'm hoping the plot of the story is based around her actions and reactions to situations. Anyways, good luck. Can't wait to read the next one~

:pinkiehappy:

Wow, AnY! Looks like you've joined the ranks of fimfiction's talented storytellers! Welcome aboard.
It's a pleasure working with you! This is going to be fun. :coolphoto:

So far so good. This might just be a me thing, but I'd work on your wording a little bit. I realize that this isn't your native language, but repetition isn't necessary and can, at times, detract from the story. Using words like "it" in place of "the rooster" or "the sun" could be favored at times as it cuts down on the unnecessary word count in a sentence. All things considered, this was a very good first chapter and I look forward to reading more.

6913292

Clearly Sauer is fun loving and chaotic, but already she's teetering on the edge of absurd recklessness.

Ha! Yes, she's quite something. Absurd recklessness is a good way to say it. And she's not narcissistic; she's just absolutely convinced that she is right. This makes her an interesting character because someone who is so convinced in their own worldview, who then changes over the course of the story, makes for some good drama. I like her fierce compassion and devotion. She's a lot more multidimensional than you see just in chapter one. It's gonna get interesting. :twilightsmile: AnY sure has constructed an intriguing character.

I'm sure it's probably pretty heavily proofread

You have no idea. :raritywink:
No, seriously, it was fun! And AnY is picking up those writing skills very fast. I'm impressed. Imagine having to juggle contradicting punctuation rules between English and German! That would drive me crazy.

I personally hope this fic tends more towards seriousness than comedy, but that's because I enjoy reading about harsh, morbid realities rather than sugary, comical ones. :pinkiecrazy: I anticipate more comedy, but also some very dramatic, potentially world shattering events.

Then you won't be disappointed! :pinkiehappy:

Hmm, when i have the chance TheAnYPony i will ready your story here so far readying the first part sounds good. I might read it when i have free time ;)

? someone... actually wrote something? : O Niccceeee...

A bit of a slow start and not really much for me to form any solid opinions just yet, however, Sauer's almost Pinkie-like logic is enough to at least perk my curiosity. I'll give this a follow for now to see how the next chapter or two unfolds.

6913033 well, I'm glad to see that you've taken to writing! It's even on a promising first start. Problem is, for whatever reason, Analysis Bronies and fabrics tend not to mix very well. I hope you'll be the exception.

6913033 well try to anderstand that i am Argentinian, and when i read that... i read "clop" out loud xD

Wow, you made the Popular box in your first chapter? Applause! :rainbowkiss: :yay:

I like these characters already. Sauer must be a handful to deal with to her family. Good start so far.

...

Yep...

6913292
Well, Recon already replied to some of your points, but hey! I'll throw in my own two bits anyways :derpytongue2:

It started out pretty vanilla until you got to the part where Sauer gagged a rooster. I read that and suddenly I'm like "Oh? Well, this could be interesting." Clearly Sauer is fun loving and chaotic, but already she's teetering on the edge of absurd recklessness.

Yeah, during my first draft my proofreader often questioned some of her actions and I replied that I want her to actually be a bit insane. So, when I started my second approach I came up with this idea how to show off her unconventional perception of reality

Obviously this piece seems to be somewhat autobiographical so it's probably important to include some of your native tongue

Not as much as you might guess (even though I already discovered some elements that sneaked their way into the story straight from my RL). The German words are really more of a gimmick. But no worries: My proofreader are constantly on my back whenever I use German words in a confusing context.

I personally hope this fic tends more towards seriousness than comedy, but that's because I enjoy reading about harsh, morbid realities rather than sugary, comical ones. :pinkiecrazy: I anticipate more comedy, but also some very dramatic, potentially world shattering events. You know you've got a good character when I'm hoping the plot of the story is based around her actions and reactions to situations.

No worries - I didn't tag this story as humor for a reason
I am aiming for fun fun characters with entertaining interactions but the story overall is rather serious. However, I wouldn't count on world shattering events either—it's still slice of life and not adventure :raritywink:

But yeah, in any way, I hope the upcoming chapters are going to please you ^^

Das ist gut.
Ich spreche noa bichen Deutsch.

... well, maybe less than I thought... fell out of practice.

Anyway, your English is really good.
I also really enjoyed this chapter. Keep writing, good sir.

And if you ever feel like helping someone learn German... I am always willing to learn :pinkiesmile:

I liked it. It left me with a lot of questions like, "why is the father crippled?", "Why is Sauer so different in her thought process?", "Did she actually screw up her chores, of if she didn't, how did she get so good at them?" and finally "What is this new creature?". I am hooked. Tracking!

I'm wracking my brain for a critique. One thing I did notice is that you don't use conjunctions very often, which is common for a non native speaker. Problem is, the characters you set up don't sound like immigrants to a new country, but farmers who have probably been there for generations. Them having a non native accent like yourself doesn't work very well... but then again it's not really all that noticeable. Then again, if this family was formed in semi isolation, perhaps they known modern equestrian (not English, though yea, that's what it is) but haven't had enough exposure to change their vernacular that much. Really I would have to know their history to know if this is a problem or not and this is just chapter 1. Asking for much more than we got would be practically begging for an exposition dump.

Hmm, well there's also the point that for most of the chapter, the characters being ponies doesn't change much from how they would act if they were humans. It's not until the last few paragraphs that elements are introduced that are unique to Equestria, ie, magic and flying sentient creatures. I got a sense that these were ponies in name only. It didn't detract too much from the story though this time. One thing I might suggest is to highlight how exactly the father can do daily activities like say, drinking coffee. For a human, this is easy to imagine. However for a pony, which in the show has to use both hooves to compensate for the lack of thumbs, losing a foreleg could be even more devastating than a human losing an arm. At least you would still have fingers. So how does he drink coffee? Does he wrap it in the crook of his ankle and use his mouth to control it? Yes that was my instinctive assumption, but bringing it up helps cement that this is indeed a pony we're talking about.

Maybe this is why so few stories are devoted to earth ponies. It's difficult to separate them from humans. What do they do that requires them to be in a mystical land? Maybe you could find a way to note that they harvest every crop every day, which in the modern world would be impossible without ridiculous technology? AJ does this. (At least I think she does, the show is rather unclear on that point.) Maybe a little equine slang might help, like "sweet Celestia!" or maybe "Luna damn it!". Hey, you're the reviewer who gets upset when ponies don't sit the right way, so I'm pretty sure you at least have an idea of where I'm coming from.

And now, I have to go think about my life... my computer and internet connection now both know that I'm supposed to capitalize Luna and Celestia and corrected me for such while I was writing this. Am I really THAT into this fandom?

This is miles better than I expected for the genre.

6917277

"why is the father crippled?", "Why is Sauer so different in her thought process?", "Did she actually screw up her chores, of if she didn't, how did she get so good at them?" and finally "What is this new creature?".

Let me say it like this: half of those question will get answered within the story, the answer to the other two is "It is Sauer Kraut"

One thing I did notice is that you don't use conjunctions very often, which is common for a non native speaker. Problem is, the characters you set up don't sound like immigrants to a new country, but farmers who have probably been there for generations.

Short answer: not it is really just writing. If a character from the heartland would appear he would talk the same way - expect the German words, obviously! Those are part of the South Macintosh Hills Slang. So, no: they aren't immigrants at all they are typical locals of the region :raritywink:
I'll have to ask my proofreaders about the conjunctions, I guess.

the characters being ponies doesn't change much from how they would act if they were humans.

Yeah, good point especially since I criticized fictions before for being a story featuring ponies playing the parts of humans. However not really sure how to fix this except maybe drawing more attention to details like the coffee mug.
However this issue might also resolve itself within the next chapter since we are no longer dealing with only earth ponies.

Maybe a little equine slang might help, like "sweet Celestia!" or maybe "Luna damn it!".

They do, don't they? There is at least Blau screaming "by the mare in the moon". But yeah, with all the German curses it came a bit short.

Hey, you're the reviewer who gets upset when ponies don't sit the right way

Good point :rainbowlaugh:

And now, I have to go think about my life... my computer and internet connection now both know that I'm supposed to capitalize Luna and Celestia and corrected me for such while I was writing this. Am I really THAT into this fandom?

One of these moments :derpytongue2:

6917120 Thank you very kindly

And if you ever feel like helping someone learn German... I am always willing to learn :pinkiesmile:

Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath there - with the little time I have left besides work, a side job as teacher is not really in it :derpytongue2:

Uuhh! Old westwood logo! - So much nostalgia :duck:

6914510 That's all I could ever ask for ^^

6918531 I understand. Not everyone has time for side activities :pinkiesmile:

And yah, Westwood was best company.

There needs to be Luna icons...

Depending on how off her rocker Sauer is, I think my original, original character, hence one I made for a series independent of MLP, would be really funny to see interact with her. Jessica is 140 years old and loves to use her experience and intelligence to play with people's heads. To the extent that she will even wear outfits like, red shoes, with red socks, red pants, a red shirt, red jacket and red hat just to see people's reactions. She knows she looks crazy, she knows she acts crazy, it's just more fun that way. She would probably have a blast with Sauer.

My current pony OC... is a hyperactive and naive eight-year-old who is very gullible and forms strong bonds very quickly... at least forms them in her head. I suppose that could be an interesting meeting, but not as interesting.

I eagerly await the next chapter.

The magic projectile hit the flyer, and she started dropping towards the ground.

Sauer must have some sweet eyesight to discern that from such a distance :raritywink:

Sauer Kraut is a great and fun character already, I like sauerkraut too, but I still prefer my grünkohl as evening meal :derpytongue2:
I really wanted to make this joke ever since I first heard the name Sauer Kraut, please spare me for bad jokes.

6920291

Sauer must have some sweet eyesight to discern that from such a distance :raritywink:

D'oh! :twilightoops::facehoof:
Missed that one.
Good catch!

6921426 6920291
Not really - I mentioned somewhere in the forum (or was it in a now resolved comment on the doc?) that I play with the gimmick, that "she" is the default pronoun in Equestria instead of "he" :raritywink:

This is a fun read, and I'm interested to see where it goes from here. Sauer seems to have a similar thought process to Pinkie Pie, but with a very different personality.

I don't know most of the German words, but the meaning was made perfectly clear through context. Also, whenever the ponies used the German words I heard them speaking in your accent in my head. :pinkiesmile:

A good first establishing chapter, AnY. You didn't use a lot of description on the characters or the farmstead, so the flip side to not knowing what some of them look like is that you also avoid intrusive description. The characters are interesting, and their interactions realistic.

Some little, pesky errors remain:

This seems to be one of those times Blau got super angry

Slips into present tense, then back to past tense.

Both mares froze in their movements

Redundant. 'Both mares froze' is sufficient.

You also tend to use a lot of exclamation marks. I hope everyone's not always shouting!

English isn't your first language? Could have fooled me, even despite the handful of errors, I've seen so many native English speakers write so much worse.

As for the story, I am intriguéd.

Looks interesting.. going to add it to read later for now and wait for more chapters before I read.

6923826 fixed ;)

even despite the handful of errors

6924660 Don't tell my proofreaders! They are already busting their asses fixing all y screw-ups; if they hear they still missed some, that would be horrible :twilightoops:

6926065 Always glad to help, AnY.
Say, given the choice, would your ponysona, Smart Alec, return to the Rift or stay in Equestria?

6926065
Error elimination is like a half-life. With each pass, a certain percentage is taken out. But there's always a risk that some slip through.

I've had silly typos and stuff survive a full year with half a dozen highly detailed people looking it over! :facehoof:

Her muscles ached from the sudden exertion after they had already been pushed to their limits from her chores. But Sauer ignored it; if nothing broke that creature’s fall, it would be horribly injured, if not worse!

And if YOU break its fall, YOU could be horribly injured if not worse.

The mare’s mind was racing. The creature would come down in the middle of the field. Sauer knew that there was barely anything around that could soften its impact, much less anything she could get into place in time. Well, there was one thing. Sauer made the decision in an instant: she was an earth pony; she should be able to take the blow. And every bit of force she could take away from the impact, however small, would increase the creature’s chance of survival.

And the moment I say it, it happens. I swear I'm psychic sometimes.

Sauer looked up as she ran—she was nearly in position with only seconds left before it would hit the ground. She noticed that the unconscious creature was definitely not a pony; it was covered in some kind of dark material, and there were large holes in its legs. Instead of feathered wings, it had limbs that reminded her of a dragonfly.

A Changeling.

Suddenly, its eyes flickered open. Two otherworldly blue glowing spheres instantly widened in panic. The creature produced an un-equine shriek and started buzzing its wings rapidly, slowing its descent just a tiny bit.

Well, that's gotta help somewhat, but with how close it is to impact, not much.

“Oof! Ow…” The impact hurt like hell! Sauer’s vision went blurry for a moment while she dragged herself back to her hooves and got her bearings. She gave herself a quick check over and thanked her earth pony ancestors for the incredible resilience she inherited from them. As far as she could tell, she hadn’t broken anything.

Phew.

The newcomer lying next to her was another story entirely. It had been knocked out again by the collision. Sauer examined the strange creature with curiosity. Its skin was dark-grey and covered in what appeared to be scaly chitin plates like an insect’s exoskeleton. Along its back was a hard carapace. It had cracked in places, oozing out bluish-green fluid of some kind. Blood? There was even more of it dried around a lot of older wounds all over its body.

It IS a changeling. Also, I'd say get a professional since well, you have no idea how this thing's insides work.

What kind of creature was this? It was clearly not a pony at all. It seemed more like a cross between a pony and a giant bug—familiar in some ways, yet completely alien in others. Sauer couldn’t even tell its gender. Well, going by the lack of certain… obvious features, it was surely female.

Not impossible, however, equine shape or not, once again, you have no clue how that thing reproduces, it may not need said obvious features, it could just lay eggs or something.

Sauer quickly assessed the situation. She saw the direction the legionnaires came from. She knew that the magic blast could only have come from the unicorn which accompanied them. A burning fury rose up within her. She positioned herself between the approaching soldiers and the fallen creature and took an aggressive stance, her voice a guttural rage. “You!”

Huh?

"Calm yourself down, citizen; it was just a weak stun spell. Nopony's trying to kill anyone."

Even so, THAT THING was IN MID AIR! Wouldn't it have been a better idea to have pegasi intercept it right after the spell?

Sauer wasn’t having any of this high and mighty Legion talk. “My family has been protecting this land from the troglodytes long before you arschlöcher started doing your job! My dad lost his verfickte foreleg fending of a scheiss raiding party by himself!”

I can't speak German, but I get the feeling that's not very polite language. Also, fendind ofF.

Sauer’s hind hooves connected with a pony for the second time within moments. Before she could turn her attention towards the remaining three legionnaires, there was a flash of light, and she lost all feeling in her body from the neck down. She then collapsed, hitting her head hard on the ground.

Stun spell I bet.

Grün Schnabel gave him a disapproving look before turning back to Blau. “It was not our intention to shoot her down. The spell was supposed to make her stiffen up, so she would have to land.” She tensed up a bit before continuing. “But when the spell hit, she dropped like a stone. Check out these wounds. My guess is she's been in a fight recently. She was pretty banged up, so she was barely holding it together. Then the stun spell pushed her over the edge. It was an accident.”

Oh. I see.

“She’s a member of an unknown species. We need to take her to the outpost to make sure that she…” The corporal glanced at the broken body next to her. “or her species in general isn’t a threat.”

Fair enough.

Blau tapped her chin in thought “I see. You have special medical facilities for alien creatures in your outpost then?”
“Um… no, actually, we don’t.”

Bad move.

“You wanna take her all the way to Cloppenburg?” Blau asked disapprovingly. ”In her state? You honestly think she’s gonna make it?”

Doubt it, once again, alien physiology, what might be a pain killer for a pony could be a stimulant or a poison for a Changeling.

“So, I can’t see those bug ponies working with the troglodytes. If anything they might actually be potential allies for Equestria.” Blau gave the soldier a moment to think that over. “I’ll make you a deal: Our farmhouse is a lot closer than even your outpost. We can take her in. This way, the risk that she dies before somepony can treat her is minimized, and you know exactly where she is. How about that?”

My guess this is right after Canterlot Wedding, and the Changeling got hurt in either the fight with the Mane 6, probable, and or the Love Shield/Repulse, and word about Changelings has yet to reach this place.

The legionnaire regarded Sauer with angry glare. “She attacked us and knocked out both our officers. She is under arrest!”
“I see. Yes, that seems reasonable.”
Sauer felt her blood run cold at her sister’s words. “Blauy… what are you doing?” she whispered through clenched teeth.

Sauer, buddy, you attacked them. You're not exactly in a favorable position.

Here you have it chapter two! Next one might take a bit longer and also might turn about a bit longer then the first two.

Take your time.

6928695

Also, fendind ofF.

:twilightoops: Missed that one... Thanks for pointing it out! You have a keen eye for detail. :pinkiesmile:

Well, going by the lack of certain… obvious features, it was surely female.

Because no species exists with internal genitalia!

(considers snakes, lizards, cetaceans, pinnipeds, birds, insects, fish...)

Oh... *stupid ponies and their lousy basic biology education* :trollestia:

6928695 Once again great to get this live reader experience :pinkiehappy:

And if YOU break its fall, YOU could be horribly injured if not worse.

wait for it...

And the moment I say it, it happens. I swear I'm psychic sometimes.

:rainbowlaugh:

A Changeling.

It IS a changeling.

Well, the tag on the story kind of is a dead give-away...

My guess this is right after Canterlot Wedding, and the Changeling got hurt in either the fight with the Mane 6, probable, and or the Love Shield/Repulse, and word about Changelings has yet to reach this place.

There have already been some hints towards the time frame we are in during at least chapter one :raritywink:

Take your time.

Thanks ^^

6928749

Once again great to get this live reader experience :pinkiehappy:

Happy to entertain, Mr AnY.

:rainbowlaugh:

I thought that'd amused.

Well, the tag on the story kind of is a dead give-away...

Point taken. Makes me wonder though, why DO we say dead give-away? Why not a live give-away? Eh, English is weird.

There have already been some hints towards the time frame we are in during at least chapter one :raritywink:

True. Might have to reread that to see if I can catch them.

Thanks ^^

As far as I'm concerned, my general policy with content, be it fics, reviews, episodes, whatever, is it takes the time it needs to take for it to be up to a decent standard. Bottom line, I'd rather wait an extra week for something good, than have it a week early and said thing having clear sings of being rushed.

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