• Published 14th Feb 2016
  • 5,008 Views, 94 Comments

You Are Corporal Punishment! - LightningSword

There was no justice in Equestria . . . until you came along! Those ponies better watch their plots . . . .

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You Spank Applejack for Not Dealing with the Flim-Flam Brothers Effectively (by Lethally Insane)

You sit quietly with a tub full of apples in front of two the the worst con artists in Equestria—Flim and Flam—in Sweet Apple Acres, no less. Jesus, even their names are crap, you think to yourself as you flick on some aviator sunglasses. Naturally it’s late evening and you have them tied up in chairs facing the setting sun. They keep whispering to each other in front of you, but honestly you don’t give a damn what they’re scheming about.

“So….” one of them says, you don’t remember which one had the mustache and which one didn’t, “uhm, whatever you name is—”

“Punishment, Captain Punishment.” You say blankly. You got to keep your new title, and that delights you a bit.

“We have a propo—” the clean shaven one says before you throw an apple in his face.

“Shut up,” you say calmly. “Now, do you know why you’re here?”

“Not real—” the moustached one speaks up before receiving an apple to the snout.

“What did I say, maggot?” you ask. “Don’t interrupt me again, or the next apple will be going up a different hole.”

They emit that annoying squeak and shut up.

“Good. Now, you are here to actually pay for your crimes against the peop—uh, the ponies of Equestria.”

“But we—” An apple to the face cuts Flam off.

“What. Did. I. Say?” you ask him, then continue. “Anyways, I know you reformed or whatever. That was some premium grade bull if I ever saw any. First, you take land from a working class family with a prospering business. You bourgeois pieces of filth, I can feel Karl Marx rolling in his grave. Then, you simply pack up and leave after you fail, only to become con artists? Are you kidding me? Then, after one of you gives Applejack something beneficial to the plot, you get off with a slap on the wrist? Where the hell is the justice system in all of this?”

“But sir,” Flam says, “we paid them all back.”

“You should have been in prison,” you say chucking an apple of righteousness in his face. “Now,” you say taking a bite of an apple, “it’s time for you to pay your dues.”

You drag their chairs and the tub of apples in front of a massive cannon. It’s pointed at a menacing forty-five degree angle towards the setting sun.

“I borrowed this piece from Pinkie,” you say matter of factly. "She calls it Jumbo. Say hi to Jumbo.”

“Hello,” they say meekly in front of it.

“Good,” you say before lifting Flam into its massive barrel. You reach into the tub and grab an apple, promptly hurling it at Flim. “That’s for not having facial hair.” You clap your hands.

You proceed to shove Flim in with his equally dastardly brother. Then you dump the rest of the apples in with them. “Now,” you say stepping back from the canon, “since you two are unicorns, I guess you haven’t experienced the joy of flight. Well, you maggots are about to.”

You fish around in your leather jacket for a small flask. Taking it out, you open it and press it to your lips, feeling the burn of the vodka in your throat. Withdrawing a match, you strike it. Then, you blow out across the match, the fumes of the alcohol catching flame. This in turn ignites the primer of the canon. As the wick burns into the canon you utter the most badass words to be uttered.

“Hasta la vista, baby,” you say.

A boom echoes across the orchards as the Flim Flam brothers are launched high into the sky. If you hadn't had your sunglasses on, a passing pony might have seen the liquid pride welling up in your eyes. Then, nopony but Pinkie herself comes to a stop next to you.

“So how was Jumbo?” she asks you. “Also, whatcha drinkin?”

“That was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen,” you say, then offer the flask. “Want some?”

“Sure thing!” she says grabbing the flask from you.

As Pinkie guzzles it with seemingly no effect, you ponder the problem you just solved. Why had the brothers become con artists again? Who could have stopped it? Then you realize who the one pony was who could have stopped the problem in the first place.

“I’ll be back,” you say to Pinkie as you begin marching to the barn.

You found Applejack in the yard, working on her hay stacking technique.

“Howdy, Captain,” she says, wiping the sweat from her brow. “What d’you reckon was that boom over yonder?”

“Nothing important,” you say. “Can I speak to you in the barn?”

“Sure thing,” she says, kicking the last bale of hay.

As she enters the barn you slowly shut the doors. Moving faster and more wraithlike than ever before, you bend her over your knee.

“What in tarnation are you doing?” she asks in surprise as she looks back at you.

“What should have been done long ago, naughty pony,” you say, smacking her flank and causing her to yelp in surprise. “You're the element of honesty,” SMACK! “and you don’t bother to set a pair of con artists straight?” SMACK!

“Please,” she whispers, as her flanks redden, “harder.”

“What?” you say smacking her again, “I couldn’t hear you.”

“Harder,” she moans, biting her lip.

“Jesus,” you say, pushing her off your knee and moving towards the door, “why does everypony enjoy this?”

“You ain’t gettin’ away that easy,” she says, grabbing a lasso.

You start for the exit, but the heavy doors move slowly. You feel the rope wrap around your legs, and you fall to the ground as it pulls you back to her.

“Done already? Then just let me take the reins for a bit,” she says, climbing on top of you.

“Oh f--- me!” you exclaim while trying to crawl away, fleetingly miffed that the Teen rating requires the censor.

“Was that an invitation?” she asks innocently, but with the smile of a devil.