• Published 14th Feb 2016
  • 17,359 Views, 1,800 Comments

Awful Lot of Coffee in Equestria - NorrisThePony



A collection of Celestia, Luna, and Cadance's cynical conversations over coffee.

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Twilight Writes A Letter to Equestria's Equivalent of TMZ (Bonus Chapter) *

Author's Note:

Bit of OOC-Twi, cut/rewritten bonus stuff from the last chapter. Here it is as some bonus crap.

Somewhat of a humorous commentary on many comments I've seen on this site.

Dear insolent moron,

Please take your effortless and slanderous gossip paper and shove it down your feces-spewing throat, you myopic excuse for a journalist. I'm sure your loved ones are greatly proud of you, that you've managed to make a living off of spouting lies about pony's personal lives.

Now, I assume you're wondering why I'm writing to you. Or maybe you're trying to figure out what these odd symbols are—I have my doubts you're actually literate at all, if what you actually think passes as "news" is something Equestria would be remotely interested in seeing.

Anyways, in the blue-moon off-chance that you actually can read, and these strange things called 'coherent sentences' make any sense to you, I'll begin by introducing myself.

Name's Princess Twilight Sparkle, bitch.

I'll be prompt. Having been referred to by a friend to your article "Are The Three Princesses Evil?" I naturally felt the urge to posit a few officious remarks ask a few questions vent my anger into a pissed-off letter.

First of all, are you aware of the fact that there are five princesses? Can you seriously not count? Or do you just have trouble figuring it out? I'll spell it out for you: if you refer to the pony as 'Princess' prior to saying their name, I think it's a safe bet that they're princesses. Or, they're just really spoiled children. Y'know, maybe that explains it—I can't see you all as anything else but spoiled children yourself, but at least the spoiled children I've met in my life are actually intelligent and articulate. I have in my mind a mental image of all of you in the office of Canterlot Times complaining about a "broken coffee machine" that isn't actually plugged in.

In your article, you claim that me and my fellow princesses are a "ploy." Interesting, bold theory. I was curious to read more, but that's literally all you said. That we're a ploy. You reworded it in so many different ways I have to wonder if someone just gave you a thesaurus for your birthday and you were really excited to use it. I'm not a journalist (not to imply that you are) but I've written plenty of essays and I know that a proper essay or article isn't just making a shocking claim, beating around your own feeble theorizing, and then ending without actually proving a shred of whatever crap your twisted little mind interprets as factual.

So, whatever. We're a ploy. Sure... so, all four of us throwing ourselves into literal mortal peril on multiple separate occasions is... a sham? Huh?

I guess one would note that it's kinda funny that I would even bother responding. "Why bother," somepony may think. Not you, of course, such rational thinking is beyond you. But yes, 'why bother' indeed. If the princesses aren't evil, why would they be offended that such is being claimed of them?

I'm honestly not offended. Your paper was humorous in its stupidity. On any other day I would've just let it be.

But seriously, get a freaking editor.

Your paper was riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. I've compiled a list of them and I advise you to take them into serious consideration before you thrust your mediocrity into our faces.

Sincerely,

Princess Twilight Sparkle.

Celestia set down the letter slowly. She'd kept an eyebrow arched for the duration of the letter, and only now did she allow it to relax.

"Good heavens, Twilight," she breathed. "You beat me to the punch."

With a toothy grin, she crumbled up her own unfinished belligerent letter, tossed it into her fireplace, and then signed her name beneath Twilight's and sent it off to its proper destination.

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