Dear insolent moron,
Please take your effortless and slanderous gossip paper and shove it down your feces-spewing throat, you myopic excuse for a journalist. I'm sure your loved ones are greatly proud of you, that you've managed to make a living off of spouting lies about pony's personal lives.
Now, I assume you're wondering why I'm writing to you. Or maybe you're trying to figure out what these odd symbols are—I have my doubts you're actually literate at all, if what you actually think passes as "news" is something Equestria would be remotely interested in seeing.
Anyways, in the blue-moon off-chance that you actually can read, and these strange things called 'coherent sentences' make any sense to you, I'll begin by introducing myself.
Name's Princess Twilight Sparkle
, bitch.I'll be prompt. Having been referred to by a friend to your article "Are The Three Princesses Evil?" I naturally felt the urge to
posit a few officious remarksask a few questions vent my anger into a pissed-off letter.First of all, are you aware of the fact that there are five princesses? Can you seriously not count? Or do you just have trouble figuring it out? I'll spell it out for you: if you refer to the pony as 'Princess' prior to saying their name, I think it's a safe bet that they're princesses. Or, they're just really spoiled children. Y'know, maybe that explains it—I can't see you all as anything else but spoiled children yourself, but at least the spoiled children I've met in my life are actually intelligent and articulate. I have in my mind a mental image of all of you in the office of Canterlot Times complaining about a "broken coffee machine" that isn't actually plugged in.
In your article, you claim that me and my fellow princesses are a "ploy." Interesting, bold theory. I was curious to read more, but that's literally all you said. That we're a ploy. You reworded it in so many different ways I have to wonder if someone just gave you a thesaurus for your birthday and you were really excited to use it. I'm not a journalist (not to imply that you are) but I've written plenty of essays and I know that a proper essay or article isn't just making a shocking claim, beating around your own feeble theorizing, and then ending without actually proving a shred of whatever crap your twisted little mind interprets as factual.
So, whatever. We're a ploy. Sure... so, all four of us throwing ourselves into literal mortal peril on multiple separate occasions is... a sham? Huh?
I guess one would note that it's kinda funny that I would even bother responding. "Why bother," somepony may think. Not you, of course, such rational thinking is beyond you. But yes, 'why bother' indeed. If the princesses aren't evil, why would they be offended that such is being claimed of them?
I'm honestly not offended. Your paper was humorous in its stupidity. On any other day I would've just let it be.
But seriously, get a freaking editor.
Your paper was riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. I've compiled a list of them and I advise you to take them into serious consideration before you thrust your mediocrity into our faces.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle.
Celestia set down the letter slowly. She'd kept an eyebrow arched for the duration of the letter, and only now did she allow it to relax.
"Good heavens, Twilight," she breathed. "You beat me to the punch."
With a toothy grin, she crumbled up her own unfinished belligerent letter, tossed it into her fireplace, and then signed her name beneath Twilight's and sent it off to its proper destination.
That reaction!
This got me to chuckle. Wow Savage Twilight is savage. And the ending just give me a minute. I love it keep going.
-BFBL
Haha dude why the hay didant u show tias letter or lulus kr cadences
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Are you one of the ponies working at this "news" paper? I am not a grammar nazi but that "sentence" (I use the term very lightly here) was atrocious.
7347357 I can translate:
'Haha dude, why didn't you show Celestia's, Luna's or Candace's letters?'
This is amazing, as nice as the Princesses are, even they have their breaking point.
Ironically, in the self-same letter in which Twilight criticises the editor for his grammar there is a very common grammatical mistake - she says, "me and the princesses" rather than "the Princesses and I"...
How about a sequel Take That letter from the editor in retort criticising her Majesty of Books for her hypocrisy?!
This dovetails rather nicely with Twilight's volcanic rage at slanderous reporters in kudzuhaiku's The Perilous Romance of Swans. Totally in character too, nae?
"Apply water to the affected area"
That is a beautiful reaction, both Twilight and Celestia's.
It just gets better and better with each chapter.
*Thunderous Applause*
7348397
List of burn centers in the United States ? That's cold. Reminds me of that bit from the Dresden Files where Harry breaks a Denarian's legs after he gives up his coin, then gives him a quarter to call for help, knowing damn well that pay phones cost more than that.
Are there? There's Celestia (1) Luna (2) Cadence (3) and Twilight (4). Am I missing something or is this a mistake on MythrilMoth's part?
7351746 Presumably she means Princess Flurry Heart. Y'know, Cadence's baby what with Shining Armor.
It is out of character for TS to make a grammatical mistake of this nature - should be "my fellow princesses and I" or "I and my fellow princesses."
Same issue - Twilight would know to use the plural possessive form of "pony."
BTW...What's the TMZ?
7372176 Readable horse shit, although a large portion is actual made up of bull shit.
Heeeeeheeee, I love that letter, also how Twily introduced herself. Beautiful.
Glorious work.
Sounds like one of my comments.
...reminds me of my one successful roast that didn't involve name-calling or the word "gay".
I just realized that I have smartphone. I can archive my roast and the responses following! Why can't laptops screen shot?
7372176
If you don't know, you really don't want to. I'll give you the short version: have you heard that 4chan is basically the armpit of the internet? TMZ is the same thing for television, if television were invented only to convey celebrity gossip.
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https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=weird+al+lyrics+tmz+pmv&&view=detail&mid=3D0E3FEDA78067F7F49B3D0E3FEDA78067F7F49B&FORM=VRDGAR
Absolutely fantastic
8133771 I am years late, but you can open the snip (screenshot) tool in Windows with Windows+Shift+S