Dragon lord
Joined 15th Jan, 2013 ·
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There's spurts here and there that hint at some potential but...well, it is currently stymied by really bad grammar and punctuation. Seriously, proper capitalization, knowing when to use commas, and watching your spelling could potentially save this but there's a lot of work to be done. It would be prudent at this time to find an editor. They're out there, just gotta put some feelers out. Oh, and maybe even a look at the writing guide for good measure.
(As someone who's been on the site for several years, I'd attend to the issues sooner rather than later. I'd hate to see another new (I'm assuming this is your first story) author drown in a sea of red thumbs. Not trying to be rude, just trying to give you a heads-up.)
if you want i could take a look at the spelling a grammar for you if you want
I don't like displacement fics, so I'm not going to comment on the quality of the story or anything like that (nor will I leave a drive-by downvote). What I will do is point out that getting an editor is a must. You need an editor, and this would stay true for even a professional author.
For example:
I count five errors in the first sentence of your summary, alone. This kind of error (errors in the summary) can easily be a story-killer. It's just as bad as if you misspelt something in the title or chapter titles.
And for some pro bono work, here are the errors in the mentioned sentence:
1. Random opening square bracket.
2. First letter of the first word in a sentence needs to be capitalized.
3. The word should be "be", not "de".
4. A comma would go well here, though it could be argued that it's not necessary. For this case, I'd recommend putting it in anyways.
5. You're missing the preposition "to".
Either I couldn´t really concentrate, or there was a problem with the writing, because I more or less only understood the most important points, but not everything. However I liked it.
7073341 thanks for the advice, ill try to get an editor do you know anybody who may be interested.
7073186 thanks grammar was never one of my strong points.
7072978 thanks ill look into getting and editor.
7084128 just pm me when the next one is done
I have to say this sounds awesome grammar here and there but it is something I would like to read more of. Great Job!
I can sum it in ten words. Pretty good story, same old cliches, need help with grammar.
this seems good sso far
Sounds promising. The grammar has been mentioned often enough I suppose
.
7084132 when is the next chapter?
7131995 I'm looking into getting the first one edited and cleand up, and I'll start on the next one today but chances are the updates won't be all that regular until I finish this university year. Hope fully it won't take long. Thanks for taking an interest.
Also if anyone know a good proofreader it will also help catch anything that might slip
Through the net. I'm hoping to make this story as highest quality that I can. grammatically that is weather it's any good or not is another matter.
7133647 cool hope the second chapter if this story is good i like the story
ok chapter one is now being edited by Jacknife557 (thanks) and im working on chaper two and hoping to get it done soon with the end of the year due date from uni coming by i'll have less time to focus on this but that will only be temporary. thanks for the feedback guys it helps.
ok the first chapter has been clean up ( again thanks jack) and im about halfway through the next one.
Please try reading this story out loud and see if it sounds like something someone would actually say.
OK so chapter 2 is in the process of being edited sorry taking ages and the end of this uni year has left me with less time than i'd like but its summer now so i'll have more time to work on this. thanks for the feedback
terribly worry about the delay editing this am currently in the middle of exams so i don't have much time to edit the chapter. exams will be finished on the 1st next month and i'll send it to him the same day again sorry for the delay
good going with the stor so far glad to get an update
Idon't know why, but I never really was a fan of animal characters having a Human form or changing to much from what they are supposed to be.
However it is a nice story, even if I thought he was some kind of newborn and he grew up in space, but I believe I don't remember everything.
7360535 normally I agree with you I never really liked anthro but for the future fights I couldn't think of a way around it.
No not a new born just a teenager but he didn't age after reaching maturity. Thanks for the comment.
7361031 sorry for the random question but I believe I have never really read a Human turned Luna story, is there an interessting one? If it is okay I would like to get one where they have some sort of freedom in what they are doing in Equestria.
Moar please.
7361817 human turnd luna? Sorry you've lost me
7364083 do you mean you don't like it or you don't understand me?
There are the storys where the Human is suddenly in Celestias Body, and I wanted to try one with Luna.
7364881 right right that makes sense yes it's a good idea.
7361817 There are a few actually...like "I am the nightmare and so is Luna" (ok so they are technically in the body of nightmare moon but human is sharing body with Luna). There are more where the human is Luna but I don't remember the name and is too lazy to look it up.
Good story idea but the grammar really kills the pacing and I had an headache afterwards from all that deducing on what you were trying to say. I think english is not your first language? Either way you should get an editor and read the chapter for yourself out loud (it helps spotting the parts that sound unnatural or forcrd/ wrong). Other than that I wish you the best of luck with your story and hope you have a good day
.
7472504 Thank you, but I actually only like the body sharing thing in rare chases.
Why did that remind me of the prison sceen from Handcock. Fuck those guys up good.
Yay! new chapter! I had forgotten about this story until I saw it update.
7479645
Ha ha now that you bring it up i can see it.
Whens the next chapter out?
7498020 I'm. Working on the next chapter now I can't say how long it will be but in the coming months I'm heading back to uni and with a part time job it will take me longer to bring out chapters.
7500489 :D ok dude take your time :3
not bad...
Don't separate with large, awkward gaps, use line breaks plz
7500489
GAH! YOU TEASE!!!!
7616765 it's finished and edited by Jack. I'm just going to give it the once over tonight then I'll uploaded it.
7616805
*Waits expectantly*
Shit about to go down.
Dude... did you say this was edited? It doesn't look edited... there aren't even spaces in between a lot of these words... it's unreadable...
7618656 what do you mean? if you could point out an example. thanks
7619850
Whenever I copy paste them here, the spacing shows up... but in the story itself, the spaces are missing. This line is the first example. Probably a graphical glitch, but you should read the story for yourself to see what I mean.
7619886 alright ill give it a look. thanks
7619886 nothing coming up on my end. anyone els getting this.?
7619940
Maybe it's just me...