• Member Since 17th May, 2015
  • offline last seen January 28th

One Punch Man


It only takes one.... okay, maybe more than just one.

E
Source

Sunset was mysteriously sent a new telescope for her birthday. Twilight has been reading a book on the stars, the constellations, and the galaxies. A quiet night. A clear sky with stars twinkling off in the distant reaches of the universe. Just the two of them.

This story takes place Post-Friendship Games.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

My very first thought is that the first and second sentences in the description have different verb tenses.

Adorable but I wish there was a little more to the story

No offense

6904913 Thank you for the compliment. I'm sorry about it not being much, I'm not really much a writer, I can manage short little one shots like these.

6905308 one shots are always pretty cool

The good: :twilightsmile:
Cute story. I like the subtle interaction between the two that only hints at possible romantic feelings. The story, while short, nicely depicts a quiet evening between two friends.

The bad: :facehoof:
The dialogue seems a bit clunky at times. There are quite a few grammatical errors. Sunset seems a bit OOC, in that she gets upset at Twilight mildly poking fun at her test scores, and seems clueless when it comes to astronomy, despite being a student prodigy (albeit of magic) and her mentor being able to literally manipulate heavenly bodies. :trollestia: Leaving a mystery character (the sender of the telescope) unresolved, especially when Twilight teases the reader with possible knowledge their identity, is kind of a bummer.

The "wut?": :twilightoops:
"sasami or sushi or something…" Guessing you mean "sashimi", but is that a typo or a random shoutout to Tenchi fans?
"Moon fragments...its shattered glory...the many pieces that float in its wake." Ummm... what happened to the moon? :rainbowderp:

PS- these are just my opinions and observations, so please don't punch me Saitama :fluttercry:

7018660 Thinks for the critiques. I appreciate that and I hope to improve in the future and don't worry I won't punch ya......unless you want ya to that is.

A one shot for one punch!!! XD

7213799 I gotta align with my themes after all.:twistnerd:

okay yes I am not a fan of the lesbians but I like the subdued nature of it

if you would like I will edit for you in the future, I am an expert. For example I could nitpick at this but those comments are no fun to read ok

the strength of the story is the vision. clearly you had a specific aesthetic in mind and set out to achieve it, and this aesthetic is of the subdued hidden beauty, like a young blushing girl. I am a fan of this

major complaint is I hear no chemistry in the banter.

7433594 Thank you. Coming from writing legend such as yourself, I'm absolutely honored.
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m8omf2GYyd1rwcc6bo1_250.gif

Ya might wanna look at the grammar, spelling and the missing words once again

Login or register to comment