• Member Since 17th May, 2015
  • offline last seen March 25th

One Punch Man

It only takes one.... okay, maybe more than just one.


Sunset was mysteriously sent a new telescope for her birthday. Twilight has been reading a book on the stars, the constellations, and the galaxies. A quiet night. A clear sky with stars twinkling off in the distant reaches of the universe. Just the two of them.

This story takes place Post-Friendship Games.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 13 )

My very first thought is that the first and second sentences in the description have different verb tenses.

Adorable but I wish there was a little more to the story

No offense

6904913 Thank you for the compliment. I'm sorry about it not being much, I'm not really much a writer, I can manage short little one shots like these.

6905308 one shots are always pretty cool

The good: :twilightsmile:
Cute story. I like the subtle interaction between the two that only hints at possible romantic feelings. The story, while short, nicely depicts a quiet evening between two friends.

The bad: :facehoof:
The dialogue seems a bit clunky at times. There are quite a few grammatical errors. Sunset seems a bit OOC, in that she gets upset at Twilight mildly poking fun at her test scores, and seems clueless when it comes to astronomy, despite being a student prodigy (albeit of magic) and her mentor being able to literally manipulate heavenly bodies. :trollestia: Leaving a mystery character (the sender of the telescope) unresolved, especially when Twilight teases the reader with possible knowledge their identity, is kind of a bummer.

The "wut?": :twilightoops:
"sasami or sushi or something…" Guessing you mean "sashimi", but is that a typo or a random shoutout to Tenchi fans?
"Moon fragments...its shattered glory...the many pieces that float in its wake." Ummm... what happened to the moon? :rainbowderp:

PS- these are just my opinions and observations, so please don't punch me Saitama :fluttercry:

7018660 Thinks for the critiques. I appreciate that and I hope to improve in the future and don't worry I won't punch ya......unless you want ya to that is.

A one shot for one punch!!! XD

7213799 I gotta align with my themes after all.:twistnerd:

7433594 Thank you. Coming from writing legend such as yourself, I'm absolutely honored.

Ya might wanna look at the grammar, spelling and the missing words once again

"Well, you did invite me to help you know. Inviting someone over to get help from them only to not take that help is somewhat disrespectful to the guest who wants to help you, wouldn’t you agree? That sort of attitude can also leave a bad impression on your ‘guest’ , you know?"

She's got a point.

"Yeah. When the Big Bang occurred, most of the elements on the periodic table was formed. First hydrogen then helium then everything up to iron and lead. And from there, even more elements were formed and these elements combined to form molecules and compounds. Then from that primordial soup of molecules, primitive cell walls and mitochondria and proto-bacteria began to form and engulf each other until evolution took its course and brought us. We are descended from that same primordial stock of star dust and matter, from ourselves to our parents and their parents and their parents all the way back before memories and our place in this universe was even realized."

Daaaaang :pinkiegasp:

Login or register to comment