When Luna was banished, it left a hole in Equestria's defenses. While Celestia could care for both the sun and the moon, watching over Equestria's dreams was beyond her power.
For a thousand years, the Sandmare has been a regular unicorn, trying her best to ensure that little ponies sleep peacefully. But it's a lonely life, one that often ends in madness or early death. And over twenty years ago, the last Sandmare was brutally murdered by a monster, who is determined to topple Equestria.
Moon Shadow has no idea of any of this. She's the current Sandmare, living in Canterlot and wishing that she could have a normal life, like everypony else. But when stars begin to move on their own and past evils re-emerge, she's got no choice but to live up to her very unwanted destiny.
Interesting idea, with a nice character and realistic dialogue. Aside from a few grammar errors here and there, it's mostly good.
If Moon Shadow was voiced, what would she sound like?
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In my head she has a pretty low-pitched voice, without any particularly strong accent. She can pull out a Canterlot accent when she wants to though, having lived among noble and society ponies so long. She usually has a pretty sarcastic and dry tone to her voice, because sarcasm is her way of dealing with things.
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Thanks. If you ever see mistakes, please let me know so I can fix them. I do have a beta but sometimes things get missed, especially when you go over it frequently. I wrote this for nano so I've read it a lot over the past few months!
I can see all the makings of a great story. The style of writing makes me feel as if I'm right there with her. Pulling a late shift (which I've done. My day friends never understood why I had to sleep), wondering what your mentor is up to... I didn't do a good job of describing that, but I never was a good writer.
My point is, I really like your writing style and Moon Shadow as a character.
This story snowed up in the G1 group, so there are horrible monsters from long ago in this story. I've only watched a few, but Lord Tirek, Grogar the Demon Ram, and Sonambula were all awesome villains. I hope this mystery monster is just as awesome.
I wonder... Has Celestia created an alternate Sandmare to replace her lost sister? Will Moon Shadow be released from her duty if Luna is purged of the Nightmare? Is that terrible Mist the Nightmare itself? Who saved Moon Shadow from a terrible fate?
I can't wait for more. I wish I could wrote like you.
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Thank you so much. :) I'm writing the fourth chapter right now and tbh, it's been a bit hard going. Your comment was great motivation for me to get a huge chunk of it done. I'm glad you like Moon Shadow, I've tried really hard to make her real and likeable.
I wouldn't worry, just practice. :) That's the best thing for you to do, write as much and as often as you can. In a few years, you'll look back and be amazed by how much you've developed. It's something I frequently do when I see my old stuff.
I think you'll be pleased. :) This fic will be very heavily influenced by G1- having watched it as a kid and as a collector now, I think it has so much to offer by way of villains, characters and plot lines. I like G4 using them but sometimes they don't do so great. That episode with the smooze is one of my most hated episodes!
Ah, all very good questions. ;) But you'll have to wait and see! Chapter 4 is on it's way very soon now. I'm hoping by early next week it will be ready to be posted. I really hope you'll keep reading.
Sorry for the wait. I gotta wonder why this story isn't attracting attention.
I gotta critique the first half of the chapter. The bit where Shadow was with her friends felt disjointed. Not because the ponies were doing anything wrong, but the writing wasn't clean. The most obvious thing I saw was run on sentences, but there a bit of confusion between first and third person I think.
I'm not an editor, but I had a hard time staying with the story. Try seeing if someone on Fimfiction will edit your chapters. It makes things so immensely better, no one gets it right the first try.
I do like the personality of Moon Shadows friends, but I could not tell one from the other. I couldn't tell if Shadow or Midnight was the main character until she went home. Not enough distinction. I loved hearing the one pony arguing with Oceansoul (no space? That doesn't quite feel right. Oceansoul isn't a word. Ocean Soul is.), I loved imaging the nerd dash off into the book pile. But I cannot for the life of me remember who was who.
Once shadow returned to dreamland you got back into style. It was genuinely unnerving imaging a swarm of carnivorous clowns. Especially when you can't quite get away from them. Good job on that part.
It's actually kinda sad that shadow had to leave Daffy behind, they were becoming friends. But I suppose that's the burden of being a Princess of the Night.
I can't wait for more, but I do suggest a proofreader before you publish a chapter. They can spot things you'd have never thought to see. Keep it up!
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I think it can be a bit tricky to get people to read an OC story so I did anticipate it not getting much attention.
Thanks for your comments. I do have a beta but she's not really into pony so I am looking for another one who be able to spot things she
might miss. It would probably also help to make sure details about the world are right. When I get one I'll get them to read anything I've already done so it can be tweaked and edited more. There's always more editing to be done!
TBH I spelt Oceansoul that way because I stole it from a friend's pen name. It's spelt that way as tribute to her but if more people bring it up, I might change it.
I'm hoping that her friends will be more distinct as they get more involved. I think this is one of the few parts where it's just slice of life stuff - in the future her friends get more involved in the story and hopefully then their differences will be more obvious. But thank you for the warning, I will try my best to make sure they are more individual. The first part of the story was quite hard for me to write. I was stuck on it for the longest time, hence the large gap between chapter 3 and this one. I am much more comfortable writing scenes like the clown one. I had such fun with that! I'm glad you liked it: I tried to make it as creepy and terrifying as I could. What I love about this story is that there's going to be lots of opportunities for me to write dark, eerie stuff like that.
As always, I appreciate your praise and constructive comments. :) I hope you keep reading.
Different but disjointed
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Ok, can you actually give feedback if you're going to be critical? I can't fix problems unless people let me know what they are. I'm not going to mind read from three words!
So I take it Moon Shadow's the pony in the picture who looks like the Tantabus? Why does she look like that?
Literally how does this only have 29 likes
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I think you made my week! I guess it's hard for people to notice an OC story but I'm trying my best for the people who do read it. I hope you'll keep supporting Moon Shadow! Update should be coming in October.
Even if this chapter is just a teensy bit late, I'm glad you didn't give up on it. Thanks for the lovely ,new chapter.
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Thank you so much! I know I take some time between chapters because of life or beta issues but I don't want to quit on this story. I have so many plans for it and I'd love to one day get to the ending I have in mind for Shadow. Thank you for reading! xx
I was very pleasantly surprised to see this updating again :)
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I have no intention of abandoning this fic currently so while I may take some time to update, be assured that there is a new chapter in the works somewhere! Thanks for reading!
Should be descendants. Ancestors typically die before you.
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Whoops. That sentence was originally phrased in a way that did use the word ancestors...and somehow between me and two betas we didn't notice it didn't get changed. Ta for pointing it out!