• Published 11th Jun 2012
  • 3,255 Views, 776 Comments

A Study In Nonsense - Professor Piggy



A compilation of stories written for Thirty Minute Ponies

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Let's Just Kiss and Say Goodbye (Collab with Donny's Boy)

The Prompt: Trixie becomes great and powerful.

Special rule: Twilight Sparkle cannot appear or be alluded to.

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She sat on her haunches, staring up at the magnificent wonder before her. She had heard tales of the beauty of the Emerald Carriage, whispers on every pair of lips and from every pony she had met, but nothing she had encountered had prepared her for this. When she had first been carried away from the rock farm on the back of a rainbow, Gummy in tow, she had been alone - a lone pink pony in a world she didn’t know. She still remembered the fear she felt as Gilda, the Grumpy Griffon of the North, had chased her from the town, screaming about how not even the Great and Powerful Trixie would be able to save her.

So the pink pony did the only thing that she could do—she went off to find the Great and Powerful Trixie. She journeyed very long and very far. Or, at least, she walked to the other end of town, but considering how hungry she was, it felt very long and very far. Gummy waddled along after her, and she felt glad to have his company in this strange, alien world. Though, as luck and fate would have it, they didn’t stay alone for very long.

Where they had started as two scared but brave and superheroic adventurers, now they were five - companions, bound together by friendship and the journey they had shared. She turned her head, and smiled a wide smile at the sight of her new friends. Rocky, whom she had found trapped motionless at the side of the great dirt road. Sir Lints-A-Llot, whom had been cowering in fear from his enemies but had proven himself a worthy friend, and the mysterious Madame LeFlour - Pinkie couldn’t understand most of what she was saying, but she seemed really nice.

And now the pony, alligator, and assorted formerly non-animate objects had arrived at the Emerald Carriage, which was parked in an alleyway next to Berry’s Tavern. The pink pony wasn’t entirely sure why it was there, but she knew better than to look a gift horse in the mouth.

With a grin, she glanced back at all her companions. “This is it, you guys!” she chirped, waving a foreleg in the direction of the carriage, which was a brighter green than any green she’d ever seen - even greener than her sister’s face the one time she’d eaten a mud pie. “Time to meet the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

Rocky bounced up and down in delight from atop her back, with what Pinkie was almost entirely sure was a grin on her tiny rockface. “Aw, heck yeah! Time to get me a heart. Thanks, Pinks - you’re the greatest!”

“Aw. You’re welcome, Rockam - Rocky!” Pinkie shot her a grin as Lints-A-Lot piped up.

“We wouldn’t have made it this far without you, you know. We hadn’t the courage!”

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true! Well, okay. Yeah. You were kinda hiding and not going anywhere, but that’s okay! We’re here now, and that’s what matters!”

“Vous êtes fou!” Chipped in Madame LeFlour, brightly, “Vous le savez cela?”

“That’s right, Madame LeFlour! We’ll get you a brain and then everypony will be able to understand you!”

Pinkie turned towards the door, and her eyes narrowed in excitement. She had to get inside, but from the sign on the door - a simple piece of paper with the word ‘CLOSED’ printed on it that stood in stark contrast to the beauty of the carriage itself - she was willing to bet they wouldn’t just let her in. She needed a plan.

She frowned thoughtfully at the door and considered knocking. But that idea was quickly tossed right out. What if the Great and Powerful Trixie was taking a nap or something and couldn’t hear a knock? Clearly, that simply wouldn’t do. Then, with a bright grin, Pinkie grabbed the carriage door’s handle, threw open the door, and poked her head inside.

“Hi! My name’s Pinkie Pie!” she called out, making sure to speak as loudly as possible so she’d be heard. “What’s your name?”

There was no immediate answer from the unicorn she found before her, blinking in shock with a cookie clenched between her teeth. Hovering in the air before her was a glass of milk, which hung in the air between them - almost like this new pony wanted to keep her away. But that couldn’t be right. “Hellooooooooooooooo?” She tried again, tilting her head slightly as she spoke. “Do you have a name? Do ya?”

The unicorn’s eyes narrowed, almost to the point where she had them entirely closed. The other pony drew in a deep breath and then, in a booming voice, replied, “WHO DARES INTERRUPT THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE’S SACRED SNACK TIME?”

Pinkie took a step back, a little frightened, before the words sunk in. She felt Rocky tense, saw Gummy narrow his eyes in intense fury, and heard Lints-A-Lot duck behind Madame LeFlour. But as she heard those words, she knew her goal was in sight - she darted forward, pressing her muzzle to that of the unicorn and grinning at her. “Ooooooooh, you know Trixie? Can you take me to her? I need her help cause she’s the super duper bestest wizard in Equestria and she can get - oh! Snack time?” He stomach rumbled and she glanced around, hoping to find some morsel to fill the aching void in her belly.

The unicorn paused and blinked. Her eyes opened up just a little bit, and a slow smile spread across her face. “THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE IS INDEED THE … super duper bestest? … WIZARD IN EQUESTRIA! WHAT ASSISTANCE DO YOU SEEK FROM—” Suddenly she frowned. “Get your dirty little hooves off Trixie’s cookies!”

Pinkie paused, halfway through her fifth cookie, and grinned sheepishly at her new friend. “Oh, sorry! I was listening, I promise! I was just really hungry, and I didn’t want to interrupt you, and I figured ‘well, Trixie’s not here so I can’t ask her but since she’s so nice I’m sure she won’t mind if I have just a couple’ and my hooves are clean I promise!” She waved her free hoof in Trixie’s face as she finished the cookie, but made no move to take another. “See!?”

The unicorn scowled darkly. “I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE, YOU FOALISH PONY!” She heaved a gusty sigh and then crossed her forelegs over her chest. “Time is money, little pony. Tell Trixie what you want or begone!”

Pinkie’s smile shrank, just a little, and her eyes darted to the hat sitting atop Trixie’s head. It looked familiar…suspiciously like…no. No, that couldn’t be. Trixie was nice! A little yellie, but Pinkie had eaten her cookies without asking so that made sense really. “Ohhhhhhh! You’re Trixie? It’s nice to meet you!” She paused for a moment, thinking. “I’m Pinkie Pie, but you knew that already. So now you know twice! Or three times, ‘cause you prob -”

“Pinks, get to the point already. You’re borin’ the nice chu - lady.”

“Oh yeah! Thanks, Rocky.” She looked at Trixie, smile fading a little, and spoke. “Well, it’s not just me. I mean, it’s me too, but it’s also my friends! I need to get home, but they need things that might be even more important! Like Rocky needs a heart, so she can love! Do you think you can help us, Miss Trixie?”

Gummy simply blinked his eyes, first the right, then the left. He wanted to be recognized as the best baritone in Equestria, but he knew it was a foolish hope and buried it deep within his heart and said nothing.

Trixie tilted her head. “First, little pony, you will address Trixie as ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ or not at all. And second, whaddaya got? Nothing gets you nothing—everything has got a little price.”

“Price?” Pinkie responded through another mouthful of cookie, blinking in confusion. “You mean you don’t help ponies for free? I thought you were like, a big time hero pony! Are you a salespony instead?”

“TRIXIE IS! BUT TRIXIE HAS BILLS TO PAY AND CREDITORS TO HIDE FROM!” She paused and scrutinized the travellers before her with a keen, piercing gaze. “Does this mean you have no money to give to Trixie?”

“Uh….” Pinkie stammered, eyes darting around desperately as she began to feel afraid. “I…I don’t have any money but I can give you….” Gummy whispered in her ear, and her eyes lit up. “I can give you cookies!” She exclaimed in delight, waving the half empty cookie packet around as though it was made of gold. “Everypony loves cookies!”

At that, Trixie was silent for a long, long time. The tension hung in the carriage like something very tense, like a novel that had a lot of tense scenes. Gummy blinked. Sir Lints-a-Lot coughed, one single cough. Madame Le Fleur had to turn her head away, and Rocky allowed the sack of flour to cry into her stony, non-existent shoulder. Pinkie, however, stood firm, gazing into the unicorn’s eyes with a broad grin and unshakeable faith that everything would turn out all right.

And then, finally, at long last, Trixie gave a single nod. And turned them all into newts. Except for the alligator, who inexplicably turned into a light green earth pony with a dark green mane.

Trixie’s heart fluttered, just a little. He was gorgeous. His huge purple eyes fixed onto her, and seemed to say ‘you are my everything.’ She felt a little weak at the knees, but struggled to maintain her poise. “Uh….YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN A PONY BODY, WISE ALLIGATOR, AT THE KIND AND GENEROUS WHIM OF THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!” She threw out her hooves, and small spells designed to imitate fireworks erupted around her. “TRIXIE HAS DONE THIS BECAUSE… because… because… BECAUSE SHE HAS SEEN IN YOUR EYES THAT YOU REMEMBER THE PATH HOME, AND CAN GUIDE THESE PONYNEWTS THERE!”

Gummy blinked at the unicorn. Then, with a slow nod, he began singing:

The first, the last, my everything
And the answer to all my dreams
You’re my sun, my moon, my guiding star
My kind of wonderful, that’s what you are …

He swept Trixie up into his forelegs, twirled her around, and then kissed her with a passion heretofore unknown to ponydom. And then he gathered up the little newts around him, gave Trixie a wink, and trotted off into the sunset like the amazing hero he was.

Trixie watched, overcome with sorrow, as he went. As he disappeared over the horizon she called after him “Promise you will come back to THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE?”

But Gummy was already gone.

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