• Published 29th Jan 2016
  • 4,514 Views, 54 Comments

Not Alone in the Crowd - Doccular42



Usually, we feel alone when we're by ourselves. But sometimes, the loneliest place is in the middle of a crowd. Spike has to get away, and he needs somepony to talk with him so that he can get through the evening.

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Never Alone

The door shut without even a single creak, and Spike sighed as he stepped into the darkened room. He could still hear music and laughter from the party that he’d just left. Applejack’s hearty chuckle played a countermelody to Twilight’s uninhibited guffaws.

Spike frowned and stumbled through the dim side room. The library may not have been designed to host parties, but Pinkie Pie hadn’t really been bothered by that. After the group’s success in Canterlot repealing the changeling invasion, she’d decided that the only possible way to react was with an “enormous, gigantic, ginormous!” party. All of Ponyville had been invited, and the entire evening had gone off marvelously for everypony.

Everypony.

The small dragon climbed up onto one of the comfortable couches in the room that the library had instead of a guest bedroom. He came here often to read his comics or try to hide from some of his chores… He snorted at the thought, and a whisper of a grin tugged at his lips. But then, a particularly loud cheer from the other room shook him and the smile faded.

Reaching to the desk next to him, he pulled on a small chain connected to a lamp. Light flooded the room, and Spike nodded to himself. Two comics lay on the cushion beside him, so he reached over to pick one up. He didn’t spare a glance at the cover. It didn’t really matter at this point.

Words and pictures. Flimsy sheets of paper stained by ink. Hours and hours of somepony’s work in his hands, but… that’s all that they were to Spike right now. Barely even an escape…

He could barely focus his eyes as the cheer and joy from the other room pulled at him. Inside of his chest, it felt like his heart were being pulled in two… and he had no idea why.

With yet another sigh, he allowed the rather unhelpful comic fall onto his chest. He allowed himself to slump down and covered his face with a claw. All he wanted to do was sleep, or go for a walk, or something, but—

The door across the room slid open slowly. Once again, it didn’t creak, but Spike heard it anyways. He sat up immediately and put his comic to the side.

Fluttershy walked into the room and shut the door behind her. She hummed to herself as she turned around, but immediately stopped as she glanced toward the couch. “Oh, Spike!” she exclaimed. “I-I thought this room was empty… I hope I’m not intruding.”

Clearing his throat, Spike said, “Oh, hey Fluttershy. No, it’s fine. I was just…” He glanced down at his comics and shrugged. “I dunno. I wasn’t really doing anything at all, I guess.”

“Oh.” She smiled sweetly. “In that case, do you mind if I stay in here for a bit? It’s gotten kind of loud out there…”

“Sure,” he said. With a scamper, he slid to the other side of the couch and put his comics down on the floor. “You can sit down if you want.”

Fluttershy’s smile grew broader. “Thank you.” Daintily, she walked over to him and sat on the newly vacated cushion. “I like this room,” she commented. “It’s pretty.”

Spike nodded at looked around. As with most of the tree library, this room was filled to the brim with book, books, and then a few more books. The two couches, three tables, and the lamps along the walls completed the contents of Spike’s hideout. With walls colored a deep, soothing green, the room seemed to radiate comfort. “Yeah,” he replied. “I think it’s my favorite place here.”

She replied with a nod, and the two sat in silence for a while. The music continued to pulse in the other room, and Fluttershy chuckled lightly. “I think that Dash is having a lot of fun in there. She borrowed a friend’s sound system for this, she said. She does look kind of funny in those headphones, though.”

Spike snorted but didn’t say anything.

The party had started out fine. Everypony came over, and that meant everypony. The library hadn’t been this packed since Spike’s first day in town. Rainbow Dash had set up a bunch of equipment that Spike hadn’t recognized, put on a pair of glasses, and declared herself the evening’s DJ. She wasn’t half bad, either. But as time went on, the noise, the crowd, the laughing… It had been too much. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t move. Had to get away, but knew he couldn’t. Nose, movement, crowded, alone…

“Spike…” Fluttershy said quietly. “Are you okay?”

As he shook his head to pull himself back, Spike realized that he’d been clenching his claws into the armrest of the couch and breathing heavily. He glanced over to see Fluttershy looking back, her eyes wide in concern. He said, “I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” she asked before scooting over closer to him. “What’s going on, Spike? Is something wrong?”

Spike released his grip on the side of the couch and inhaled deeply. “Umm… I just feel kind of…” She watched so patiently. She always did… “I don’t know how to explain. It’s like… It’s like I’m all alone out in the crowd.”

The pegasus squinted her eyes for a moment and then nodded slowly.

“I couldn’t breathe out there,” Spike blurted. “They were all over the place, and everypony was so happy. They were being really nice to me, but… I couldn’t do it. Everypony’s happy, and I’m just…”

“Just not happy?” Fluttershy finished for him, tilting her head inquisitively. “Is that what’s wrong?”

“Yeah.” Spike slumped down in his seat again. “I have no idea why! I was fine right before the party, and everything’s been great today, but then this happens, and I don’t want to be around my friends, don’t want to hear the music, don’t want to go out there, don’t want to be here at all!” His hands shook, and he balled his claws up into a fist. “It’s stupid. It’s just stupid.”

Fluttershy scooted closer and extended a wing to the dragon. “It’s not stupid,” she said matter-of-factly. “It’s not stupid at all.”

“Of course it is!” he said. “Everything's fine, and I’m just being dumb. I need to just stop it, and—”

“Spike.” Fluttershy gently turned him to face her. “I need you to take a deep breath with me, okay?”

The room was almost spinning. His whole body shook, and the music just kept going. His eyelids slammed shut of their own accord, and he just wanted to fade back into the couch until he was completely inside the cushion and just fall asleep and never wake up and be alone and—

“Breathe in…”

Shakily, he listened to the still, small voice. Inhale.

“Hold it for a few seconds…”

Time passed like a Breezie flying a marathon. An hour in an instant.

“Breathe out…”

Exhale. His jaw clenched as tightly as his fists.

“Hold it…”

He did.

“Now, do it again…”

They went on like that for a few minutes, and Spike felt himself gradually opening his eyes. Fluttershy had stood up at some point and was standing in front of him. Her mouth bore a comforting smile, but Spike saw the worry lines on her forehead.

“There you go!” Her praising words brought a tinge of warmth to Spike. “All right, let’s just stay calm, okay? You’re going to be just fine.”

The distant beat faded, and a muffled but softer melody filled the air. Spike nodded to his companion and sat still for a moment. Ever so very slowly, his fists uncurled, and he looked up at Fluttershy. “I’m sorry,” he croaked. “I have no idea what’s happening.”

“I think that might have been a panic attack,” Fluttershy said. “It happens sometimes.”

Again, Spike snorted. “Figures. Everything’s fine, and poor little Spike freaks out, and—”

“No, no,” Fluttershy interrupted. “We’re not going to talk badly about ourselves, okay? This can happen to anyone. It’s not your fault.”

“Well then, whose fault is it?” he asked. His gaze fell to the floor. “It’s just…”

“I have panic attacks sometimes, too,” Fluttershy told him softly. “If there’s too much happening around me, if something big just happened to me, or if I’m having a down time… It’s not anypony’s fault, and it’s not your fault either.”

“Why?” he asked simply.

She gave a lopsided smile. “I don’t know, Spike. It just happens to us sometimes. Everything can seem fine one moment, and the next? It hits us. Some times are worse than others.”

Raising a shaky claw, he wiped his face and said, “I don’t get it…”

“I don’t think anyone does,” Fluttershy replied. “You feel like you should be fine. Life seems okay, and then…”

“And then it’s like I’m all alone in the crowd,” Spike finished. Their eyes met, and they both nodded.

“Yeah. Been there!” Fluttershy gave a gentle laugh.

He wiped his nose with a claw. “How do you get through it?”

“Sometimes, I cry it out.” Fluttershy shrugged. “Or I read a book. But other times, I have to talk to a friend. I have to show myself that I’m not really alone in the crowd.”

Spike nodded slowly and looked into her eyes. Her worry lines were gone, and all that remained was the genuine affection for a friend who had felt the same pain.

Eyes glimmering, she reached down and picked up one of the comic books on the floor beside her. “The Silver Crow? I haven’t heard of this superhero before.”

Spike sat up and looked at the comic. An image of an earth pony stallion cloaked in a billowing silver cloak and a matching mask and fedora stared back at him. The dragon grinned and said, “That’s because he isn’t a superhero! He’s a private detective who was hired by the government to track down an evil criminal organization bent upon the complete destruction of the entire nation!”

“Oooh, that sounds interesting!” Fluttershy exclaimed. “Do you want to read it with me?”

Spike’s smile grew. He knew what she was doing, of course, but he didn’t care. “Yeah! Let’s read it.”

The party continued out in the main room, but, out in the quieter side of the library, two kindred souls read a comic book together and reminded themselves that no pony or dragon is ever really alone.

And neither are you.

Author's Note:

This fic is dedicated to anyone who, like me, suffers from social anxiety and/or depression. It sucks. It’s hard. But you aren’t alone. You can get through it. I hope this fic helps.

Comments ( 54 )

Very well done. :pinkiesmile:

My Spike sense is tingling... So here I am.

6883776

Haha, cool! Hope it doesn't disappoint!


6883706

Thank you! :yay:

I haven't seen a lot of fics that put Spike and Fluttershy together, surprisingly enough, considering their first interaction. The dynamic you set up here was pretty good. And you touched on the issues pretty well, which hinting enough at a few more that a reader could infer a lot more about how and why Spike is where he is. Pretty good and satisfying for a short read.

I suppose this is why KiFA hasn't updated in a while?? :)

I'll put this in my read it later file. Got a lot of catching up to do, but enjoy your writing, so I don't want to ignore this one.

Docc... It's too early for tears. This struck a cord with me as it's something I struggle with at times too.

Great story.

I like this so very much, almost more than words can really explain. Thank you. :fluttercry:

I would love to say more, but I don't think I have to. :pinkiesad2:

This was a really cute fic. I enjoyed it. :pinkiehappy:

That said, Spike sighs twice at the beginning. It's a little distracting.

This is beautiful and so are you.

I liked it. Really good. :scootangel:

Wow... this honestly explained a lot. thanks.

I'll be doing a reading of this. It is definitely gonna happen. :pinkiesmile:

This could be alternately titled "Spike Experiences the First Symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder".

I would start him on sertraline. Might also help with the OCD dragon greed too.

I relate to this and it touched me deeply, thank you.

Can't seem to get this song out of my head: Outsider by Chumbawamba

Neat story.

This is so sweet:pinkiehappy:

This story is a beautiful representation of what it feels like to struggle with social anxiety. Thank you

That's exactly how I feel every party! Unfortunately, I usually don't have anyone to cheer me up. :fluttercry: But nevermind. Nice story! Goes to my list of favourites. :twilightsmile:

Hey do you mind if I make a narration of this? This is really good!

6886430

Go right ahead! Just send me a link! :pinkiehappy:

I'm such a sucker for a good Spike story, I guess that's why I like this. It would have been nice if you had nice if you had gone into more detail as towhy spike was lonely. Perhaps because he was the only dragon in a room full of ponies? I think that would certainly make me lonely if I were Spike in that situation. In any case, the story was lovely. Good job.:twilightsmile:

Spike nodded and looked around. As with most of the tree library, this room was filled to the brim with books, books, and then a few more books. The two couches, three tables, and the lamps along the walls completed the contents of Spike’s hideout. With walls colored a deep, soothing green, the room seemed to radiate comfort. “Yeah,” he replied. “I think it’s my favorite place here.”

6886504 The point, I think, is that sometimes there is no why it happens, there's no obvious trigger for a panic attack, no set rhyme or reason for why they will strike.

Depression and Anxiety is a right proper nasty combo.

This is a very cute story. I love it! I just wish I can be a good writer like you are.

As I see the title of your story this comes to mind

Ignore the name its a great song.

Story struck a cord in me, since I am in my own state of depression.

This story had a great pair to show the symptoms of sadness, and sorrow. Spike and Fluttershy's personalities and willingness to put others needs above their own, are traits I'm sure others who suffer from depression have. Feeling that you need to make everyone else happy, in order to feel satisfied with yourself.

What didn't quite click with me, though, was the way some of the sentences were phrased. I felt in some areas, it was trying to be too artsy fartsy. The beginning also felt a bit too telling other than showing, but other than that it was a solid work. Short, and simple.

Worth reading if you like the characters presented, and if you too suffer from depressive thoughts.

Very well done and wonderfully put, had me in tears, I loved it.

After the group’s success in Canterlot repealing the changeling invasion,

*repelling

this room was filled to the brim with book, books, and then a few more books.

Needs an "s" on the first "book"

Nose, movement, crowded, alone…

*Noise

And now, since I'm done being a Grammar Nazi...
BEST. FIMFICTION. MORAL. EVER.
Really. Good job. You got me as close to emotional as anything on this site ever has.

The Fluttershy in this story feels slightly off to me. She "sounds" more confident than the one in my head.

But you know what? I don't care. I like this. It's sort of like the fanfic equivalent of a well-timed hug.

This is a amazing story, beautifully written.:heart:

D'aww! An awsome story!

Nice story! In my mind, I went back to my high school graduation. The scene played out ridiculously similar to this one. I went through the ceremony no problem. Afterward, we had a party. I felt weird. It felt to me like a switch was thrown in my brain and I became an adult. This quickly overwhelmed me. I spent the majority of the party in the corner of the family room being anti-social and stuck in my thoughts. After the party, I shut myself in my room crying wondering what was wrong with me. I woke up the next morning, and I was fine. I couldn't explain it. I really like that you touched upon the fact that it doesn't go away. It's just something you have to work with.

It's like you were writing for me specifically. I do suffer from a mild case of depression. I don't large social gatherings and feel anxious when I'm around too many people. I often thought there was something wrong with me, that I should just "chill out." But I can't. Partying and getting wasted are not my thing.

Spike did what I do at every major event, find a quiet place to think and sulk. I wish I had someone like Fluttershy to cheer me up when that happens.

This hits me on such a personal level that I have to fav it. Thank you.

I know how that feels and it sucks...nice story.

Comment posted by Titanium Dragon deleted Feb 6th, 2016

Huh. Nice. You sir, get a like! :moustache:

I had a pretty hard day today. This made it better, thank you.

and reminded themselves that no pony or dragon is ever really alone. And neither are you.

Oh shit burn everything and run!

The only nitpick I have is Spike saying the title two or three times. I mentally heard
"*ding* roll credits" each time

Thank you for this :heart: I have social anxiety and depression. :ajsleepy: but I know that if anything happens, my friends are always there for me, and know how to calm me down before I end up hurting myself (fainting, hyperventilate, asthma attack, etc)

I was expecting for this to be a story about Spike struggling to be a part of the action alongside the Mane Six, so I was somewhat wary (but also intrigued because that's a topic I like to explore myself), but this surprised me. This is a very relatable struggle, especially for people with social anxiety and/or depression (for example: myself).

I have had definite moments where I have to leave a room and be by myself, especially when things get too intense for me. One time, I was at the grocery store with my mom and it was kinda crowded, so my body immediately to react quite negatively. You accurately described what it feels like to have a panic attack and what it does to people, as well as how those experiencing it feel like it's just something stupid they should be able to stop (but they can't).

And Shy? I love how she was with Spike. She knows exactly what he's been through and she was totally understanding with him. She never belittled him for what he was feeling and she immediately shut down any self-deprecation. I really enjoyed seeing these two together for this story, since we don't really get to look at their dynamic in a positive light some of the time...

Really good story.

My sister has depression and I have anxiety issues. So I can really relate to Fluttershy and Spike here!

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