- Member Since 27th Jun, 2014
- offline last seen Monday
LegionofPony
I write commissions and sometimes write stuff I come up with too. Nuff said.
LegionofPony
Joined 27th Jun, 2014 ·
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What's the point of magic if you can't have magic sex toys, right?
6965091 Heh, indeed.
Not a bad start. My only problem is the number of times you say the characters names. Applejack did this and Applejack did that. It drags me out of the story a bit. Otherwise I enjoyed it.
6965787 It's generally said that you should be using a character's name as often as possible in writing, for the sake of clarity when speaking of two characters of the same gender. But, re-reading, I can see a few places I can stick a 'she' or 'her' instead of the names.
I see Twilight has been rubbing off on AJ; she's become quite the cunning linguist!
... I'll show myself out.
6983948 Door's over there.
7005798 I'm glad you're enjoying it.
Oops, I think that should be AJ.
Twi seems to be weak to ropework. AJ should bear that in mind for later.
7006487 Thanks for that. It's kinda confusing going between two female characters, since you can't just use 'he' and 'she', and just using 'she' between two unique females easily and non-confusingly is quite literally impossible. Gotta use their names too often, and sometimes you get them mixed up! >.<
Also, yes, Twi is weak to rope-play. :P
When I first saw this I only saw one chapter and didn't think there would be more, I'm so glad your doing more chapters as this is really well done! It's not rushed and gives a nice feeling about it all which I love ^.^
Keep it up :-D
7010221 Yes, the commissioner ordered more chapters, so I'm writing quite a bit more.
Regarding it not being rushed, I NEVER, and WILL NEVER write below my personal high standards, especially on a commission.
Thanks for the compliments too, they're appreciated.
Great story
7016661 Thank you.
First impression
Well...it's sporadic as Pinkie Pie. The focus shifts from their actions to their thoughts almost literally every paragraph.
I found it amusing that AJ offers iced tea, then boils water for hot tea, and neither one notices.
For once, a character in a ship fic immediately recognizes their emotional bond without freaking out, and it's Twilight. I am amused and pleased with this development.
I'm giving this story a shot. For better or worse, I'm diving into this.
7025440 Is a story switching between the characters' thoughts and actions frequently a bad thing? You didn't make that clear.
As for the tea thing, just a simple oversight by me. I'll fix it.
Twilight recognizing their bond makes sense to me, since Friendship and her friends are the most important thing in the world to her.
Also, thank you for giving it a chance. Please feel free to let me know how you like it, and any other inconsistencies or other problems you may have with it, if you so desire. I really appreciate constructive criticism on my stories, even if I so rarely get it.
Twilight, are you sure you're drunk? You had a fully coherent-sounding moment there, even a very small moment of panic.
AJ, on the one hand, a day off is a fine time for hard drinks, but on the other, a first date might not be. Good on ya, though, for being sober enough to know better than having sex on the first date.
As far as the writing, it's getting better at focusing on one thing at a time, but there are times when the focus seems a bit off target. I'm not saying the picnic food should be forgotten, but it gets a bit more attention than their date.
Still, this story is staying on the positive side, and I look forward to how it develops.
7029162 Twilight being coherent for too long probably should be adjusted or at least rectified.
As for bringing booze on a first date, Applejack and Twilight have been friends for a long time, and have undoubtedly shared a few drinks before (remember Super Speedy Cider Squeezy episode?), so it's not too out of place to me at least.
As for the food receiving a lot of attention, I considered that as adding detail as I always do in my stories. Didn't consider it too excessive or distracting.
Thank you very much also for the detailed, and polite, criticisms. They're much appreciated. After all, how is someone to improve if nobody will tell them what they're doing wrong?
The main problem I have with the writing structure is that it just seems to either focus on some other detail, or not focus when it should.
I'm kind of surprised Spike didn't walk in on them making out, considering good-smelling cookies.
It's also interesting to me that AJ was the one to begin asking Twi on dates, but Twilight (having no experience) was the one to ask to make love. Twice.
Got a bit bored while reading this chapter, but it's still worth reading so far.
7031928 What exactly is out of focus in this chapter? I focused on them dating, as that is what the story is about.
Spike walking in on them making out would have been amusing, come to think of it. Might add that.
As for Twilight being the instigator, it makes sense to me because of her natural curiosity. Applejack would likely be fine with them just simply dating, but is not opposed to being more physical either.
Not sure how you got bored, but I'm glad you're still interested in reading more.
This chapter handed out some mental whiplash. Show the scene, tell details, show an action, tell more details...
Unfortunately, the name of the game isn't Show & Tell. It's Show, Don't Tell. Conveying information through the scene holds immersion far better than stopping every paragraph or two to explain things. There are times where a direct explanation is necessary or even good, but when that is depends on the scene, and action scenes are very much showing, little to no telling.
Also, I'm aware that it's probably not meant to be a very complex story, but lots of story potential gets used and swept under the rug in the same chapter that uncovered it.
Not much in-story to mention, other than Twi being worried about embarrassing herself, but not about PDA while her friends are present is both funny and refreshing.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *happysplodes*
7074072 Yay happiness and lots of loooooove!!!
7076595 *Explodes alongside*
for some reason it was down voted . but its fixed great story
7077601 Thank you!
Interesting addition to the story.
7100274 Hope it was a 'good' kind of interesting...
why do I feel twilight mess up the spell......
7101065 She may or may not have. Only time will tell.
just finish reading what is out and have to say I like it,
I cant wait till their family learn about this......
7101091 I'm glad you like it. Next chapter will be their parents, then the princesses. Possibly all at the same time somehow, I'm not sure how yet, or over two shorter chapters like the latest one, which is more likely.
I like how they are getting the same question,
but I thought shinning armor would be a little more overprotective over his sister
7101649 well, all 3 princess will support it, shinning armor will but I think it may take some push thought it did happen but that alrihgt, but not much is knew of twilight parents form the show, I always figure that they love they daughter but were bit snob nobles or common hard working ponys
7128541 I took your suggestion and switched some lines around to make Shining seem a bit more protective.
love how both princess knew twilight knock up but twilight and applejack don't......
7172083 Well, Twilight and Applejack are completely focused on the wedding preparation more than anything else, plus Twilight is simply looking at the symptoms in the wrong way.
7172080
7172104 true and she is known to lack common sense when it come to some things. Good story
7172171 Thank you.
Poor Big Mac.
Well, Ah was kinda hopin' fer grandbabies, but as long as y'two are happy, Ahm happy fer you two." Don't you mean Great-Grandbabies??
Can't wait for more!
Decided to add a little turmoil to show that no relationship is perfect all the time, especially not at times of high stress.
Never truer words have been spoken
7173038 An oversight. Thanks and fixing.
7173098
7173139 no problem
How longs the hiatus?
7212985 Unknown at the moment.
7229884 Glad it lived up to expectations.
great chapter, and look like 4 of the mane 6 are expecting hehehehehe, cant wait till they all knew
Looking forward to more!
7230009 Well 3 for sure. 1 is still unknown.