Undertales of Friendship

by ngrey651

The Prince of Pranks

You might be wondering how I got into this tizzy.

It's kind of a long story. But it all goes back to when I was in school, and I was always feeling like, despite being surrounded by plenty of ponies all the time...I was still alone as could be.

I had no sister. No family. And I hadn't been adopted yet. So it was just me, and a whole lot of hurt, and a lot of ideas inside my head as I desperately tried to think of how to get people to notice me.

And that was when I came up with the idea of how to USE those ideas. Become the class clown. Play the role you knew you could play. And I was good at it. Damn good. In school, I was the class clown. Outside of school, a trickster you couldn't pin anything on and you KNEW it. I got sent to the mayor's office so many times...but it was always worth it. Cuz I was good at thinking up tricks.

And I noticed people listened when I was detailing how they worked. People saw how closely I studied things. They saw how often I was right, heard the certainty in my voice when I said things. It was a classic case of "say it and it must be so". I realized I could pretty much create my own alternate reality. And when Frisk came into the picture and brought everything human with him, new opportunities arose. He LIKED my sense of humor and was happy to help me out.

Things started out...primitively.

---

"That's the Big Dipper." Squirt the Half-Changeling said, the grey-furred, yellow-eyed pony pointing down with a hoof at a book of stars Frisk had brought from the Underground, with the names removed. It was part of a "see if you can name them before we show them on the next page" deal, and Squirt was keeping the second part of the challenge hidden from Apple Bloom as she and the other Cutie Mark Crusaders sat near him at recess, just outside the school. "And that there's the Hunter, Orion. Much like our own Ohr'ion, named after the famous Behemoth slayer!"

"Oooh, you know all about these human stars?" Apple Bloom asked, her eyes wide with awe as the thick bobs of hair that Squirt had jiggled as he nodded, pointing at another constellation.

"And that's Sirius, the Dog Star. And that's Bovinius, the Cow Star. See, cows are SACRED in the human country of India. They loooove them. I read all about it in the book of mythologies of the world Frisk gave me. See, the Hindus of India think that the creator spirit was nurtured by a cow, hence why it's sacred."

"Who knew cows were so amazing?" Apple Bloom admitted with a shrug. "Gonna hafta start bein' a lot nicer to 'em."

The trick, you see, was to weave in juuuuuuust enough truth into what you said to make what came out of your mouth plausible. And I was good at that! Really good. But don't think I just saved these little tricks for people I liked. No, no, no. Sometimes we got awful, AWFUL teachers that we had to deal with. And of course, the worst was when it came to...

...home...economics.

Ms. Toriel had helped introduce us to the concept when she'd first arrived, and I'd immediately taken to it. It wasn't too much of a surprise. I lived alone. So learning to cook was never a problem for me. I remember every day the feeling of her soft paws on my hooves, her smile like a faint radiating ray of light from the sun as she nodded in approval. Toriel was quickly becoming a constant, and steady source of happiness to me, along with that wonderful, WONDERFUL joker, Sans. They knew what I liked and knew how to bring out my potential.

But unfortunately, learning to actually sew up my own clothes or the like was near impossible. Every single one of the "Mane Six" often stopped by Ms. Cheerilee's school to impart lessons of wisdom. Once every week, every one of them would teach us a lesson when Ms. Cheerilee and Ms. Toriel weren't there. And I was terrible. TERRIBLE...at Rarity's lessons. Her idea of how the work should have been done and how it COULD be done and when to do it was so far removed from my own. She would hold up my poorly-stitched together pillow and shake her head back and forth, lips pouting, her tone condescending.

"This is a MOST sloppily-presented pillow, Squirt. Please tell me what on Earth did you DO to make it this way? Didn't you follow my discussions?" She remarked.

I fumed. And I said nothing. I felt exhausted and humiliated. I couldn't help it that I wasn't good at this stuff! Frankly I'm amazed we who don't have magic can stitch at all with our HOOVES! Sometimes holding a doorknob gets hard-

UGH. Rarity needed some nice reading material to distract her. And I knew just how to get it. And thank goodness for Sans and his..."car magazines". Which was really a code word for smut.

---

"yes, SMUT!" Sans laughed, pulling open the trunk of a car he'd somehow brought with him up to Equestria from the Underground, and as if revealing the inside of the suitcase from "Pulp Fiction", a soft glow greeted Squirt's eyes as he beheld the glorious collection of "Penthouses" and "Playboys" and everything in between that lined the interior. From filthy videos and video games to sex toys and the like. All of it was pure, unadulterated smut. "but ya know what you gotta gimme if you want one."

"I know, I know." Squirt said, taking out a small whistle and blowing it before putting a hoof over his chest, reciting the "Pervert National Anthem".

"Smut! Give me smut and nothing but!
A dirty novel we can't shut! If it's uncut!
Or unsuuuuuuubttttlllleee..."

"THAT'S more like it!" Sans laughed, the two now standing tall upon the car, holding each other's hands, twirling about and laughing maniacally.

"I've never quibbled! If it was ribald!
We shall devour where others merely nibble!
Pooooornagraphic pictures we adore!
Indecent magazines galore! We love 'em more!
When they're hardcooooore!"

Sans hopped down from the top of the car, tossing things from the trunk out as Squirt struggled to catch them, one after the other, "oofing" with every snatch he made.

"Bring on the obscene moves! Murals! Postcards! Neckties! Pamphlets! STATUES, ANYTHING!"

"Yes, stories of tortures, used by debauches so lurid, licentious and vile!...make us smile." Squirt laughed. "Novels that pander to our taste for candor give us a pleasure sublime, let's face it, we love slime!"

Sans laughed as he held up something from "Alan Moore" called "Lost Girls", pointing inside and sniggering. "books can be indecent, sure, and now they're getting bolder! since porn, we're glad to say, is in the mind of the beholder! when correctly viewed, EVERYTHING gets lewd." He put an arm around Squirt, holding one hand high, gesticulating. "i could tell you things about Peter Pan, and the Wizard of Oz, THERE'S a dirty old man!"

He then clapped Squirt on the shoulder. "so...what can I do ya for? Something classic or something new."

"Something new this time. I need five of the really good porn magazines that Ponies have. It's for my TEACHER. I need to look at the subscription cards they give out and the little "gifts" they'll give in exchange."

His eye sockets widen. And then he realized what I wanted and held up a single issue of "PlayPony". "kid, ya don't need five. you just need THIS one. take a look."

Looking through the interior, my smile widened even more than Sans. Filling out everything in Rarity's name and in her hoof (which I could EASILY imitate due to a simple matter of putting graded homework writing under the thin subscription card and imitating the swirls), checking the "Bill Me" boxes, I sent out for the ideal product for my so very, VERY lonely home economics teacher.

"Pump Up Penny, the Ultimate Inflatable Doll. Be you Colt or Mare, She'll Be There".

At first, nothing happened for a couple of weeks. Then, one day, while I was sitting at my desk and Rarity was making her way inside, I saw the deep, DEEP blush of embarassment on her face, her friends giggling and chuckling as they walked away from her at the front door, and Rarity finally entered the room, clearing her throat before calling on me.

"Ah, Squirt?" She asked in a sickly-sweet voice. "Do you, perchance, know of a...PENNY?"

"Penny? I dunno her." I said with a shrug.

"Ahhh-huhhhh." She said, her tone clearly sarcastic. Yeah, I knew for sure I was SOOOO getting an 'F' in the course. But I didn't care one iota. I had won.

But don't worry. Lest you think I'm an UNFAIR half-blood, I assure you, I am an equal-opportunity pranker. Upon hearing that Sans had bought Penny off of Rarity's "ever-so-grateful" hooves, I gave a call to the Rock Farm not too far from town and politely requested from one lovely Maud Pie "Two loads of crushed stone" in a PERFECT imitation of Sans's voice. Ahhh, the wonders of being Changeling-blooded.

"just drop it in the driveway of my apartment, 'kay? and, uh, leave the bill in the mailbox. the workmen'll take care of it tomorrow."

That was more than 100,000 pounds of rock. And best of all, they were gonna expect HIM to pay for it.

Hey, maybe he can get Penny to shovel it out of his driveway for him!

---

Unfortunately, Rarity wasn't the only one who didn't like how I carried myself. No. I got a lot of comments from people in town, especially from the monsters, about how I came across. And ESPECIALLY from Muffet. See, as someone who was half-Changeling, I couldn't help but enjoy the taste of Spider Donuts. But the problem was that I would often get criticized for my inappropriate expressions. My sense of humor meant that I'd often be laughing when I shouldn't. Or would deadpan at the worst time.

I remember hearing about how a train had once horribly crashed on the tracks while pulling into Appleloosa. Fifty seven people were dead, I'd been told by Apple Bloom, who's cousin was only lightly injured.

"That's terrible." I'd said, my voice deadpan, my expression quiet and muted.

Not too long after the monsters had come to our little town, about seven, eight weeks later, Sans had gotten into a similar accident. He'd very nearly died cuz of that...HUMAN...Chara. Ugh. They still gave me the willies. But I'd heard about Sans. He'd been badly hurt because of what had happened with Chara. He and Ms. Toriel had very nearly died because of Chara, Frisk had said. And all I could say, my expression and tone deadpan...

"...that's terrible."

Inside, I felt anxious, nauseous, foul, frantic, worried. Were they gonna die? Were the injuries that bad? The good news was that it all worked out. But I couldn't display OUTSIDE what I felt INSIDE.

An outsider might see the two events the same. But it's not. For Changelings, learning to care about other people is very much a learned behavior. It's not entirely innate. Not for most of us. Even caring for our own Hive can be difficult. We have "logical empathy". We understand it's a shame when people die in a train crash. But we don't have much physical reaction to it, and don't think we should, because how is that any different from the hundreds or thousands of ponies who die every day via accident, or wild animal attack, or disease or the occasional murder? Save your emotion for the things that matter.

In a way, that thinking is selfish. Because you're only caring about what happens to you and those closest to you. Who cares about the "someone else"?

...but we're ALL "someone else"...to someone else. That's what I began to learn over time.

But I didn't always act that way. Oh no. Remember Muffet? Well she did NOT like me. She thought I was creepy. I'm not sure. Maybe it was because nobody else in Ponyville was a half-Changeling hybrid. With normal Changelings, our compound eyes are of a pure shade of color. Half-breeds? It has a slightly unnatural sheen. So I looked like kiiiiind of a freak with my faintly glowing yellow eyes and my grey fur.

"Why are you staring at me?" That was a common complaint. "It's scary. You're looking at me like I'm a spider in a jar!"

She LOVED saying that. "Spider in a jar". And sometimes I'd imagine her BEING in a jar, a mental image popping up that made me snigger and it made her glower back and go "NO DONUTS FOR YOU."

So then one day I decided to answer her question of "Why are you staring at me" with sweetness and light.

"Why, Ms. Muffet, I was just imagining you chained up in a deep, deep hole, a heavy steel grate on top, and hundreds upon hundreds of rats. All crawling over you." I said, giving a playful bite to the air.

Needless to say, she threw me out the window. So I decided to get even with her for that. HARD.

...

...

...

...a dial tone echoing through the air. The silence was heavy and hot. Then...

"Ponyville Police Department."

"I'd like to report a hanging."

I could hear a visible choking on the other end of the line. "Wh-WHAT?!"

"A ritual hanging. It's right inside of Ms. Muffet's bake store. You'd better come and see." With that, I hung the line up, and I slid out of her bakery, sniggering to myself. I'd set it all up perfectly. The power had been cut to the bake store, and a single fire was burning at the front of the store, the body swinging back and forth from inside the bakery. Smoke was billowing perfectly inside, combined with some dry ice I'd set up to add a spooooooky fog. The fire would burn out soon, leaving the smoke and the perfect, terrifying imprint of the body swaying to and fro.

One by one police clambered around, Muffet being escorted along as she gasped, hands flying to her mouth. Ponies were milling about, murmuring to themselves, and I joined in the crowd, Sans standing next to me. I was pretty sure he guessed that I'd been behind the rocks on his driveway, but he couldn't PROVE it, so he just gave me a look before looking at the bakery.

"damn." He muttered. "who is it?"

"I suppose they'll find out." I reasoned with a shrug as the troopers urged people to get back. Blue, red and lights all flashing, a water tank at the ready, firefighters putting out the small fire inside of the bakery, the smoke and fog still billowing forth, now oozing out into the streets. Slowly but surely, various cops made their way forward, a unicorn police officer glowing as he made his way towards the interior.

"Hold on, everyone. I'll check it out." He said, hovering up a pair of scissors from his belt pouch to cut the pony body down. The crowd saw him inch through the smoke, everyone holding their breath as he coughed from inside the smoggy, fog-filled room. "Ugh. I can barely see a thing!" He groaned out from inside, snipping the rope that held it up. Kneeling down by the body, he lifted it up and-

"WAIT A MINUTE!"

Sans blinked a bit, and suddenly realized what was going on as I began to snigger inwardly.

"It's a DEPARTMENT STORE DUMMY." The cop yelled out, tossing the dummy pony out onto the ground. And no, not QUITE a department store dummy. A fashion store dummy. From Rarity's place. She'd thrown it out cuz it had gotten moldy. Well, waste not, want not!

"The whole thing's a friggin' joke!"

"What the buck?!"

I had a smile all the way back home. And it took two days for Muffet to clean her store up. I think she suspected me, but...well...too bad she can't prove it.

Maybe next time she won't snap at me for looking at her funny.

...

...

...

..."And after my Dad Shinedown found my journal...that's how I ended up here for the week." Squirt explained to Ahuizotl as the two sat in a jail, Squirt sighing as he hung his head. "So what're you in for?"

"...felony tax evasion." the dog-headed tribal-dressed villain grumbled.

Comments

[Nova Blaze]

So Ahuizotl is like Al Capone, (I think I got the right mobster) despite everything he did, he went down for tax evasion.

[ngrey651]

7044671

They don't exactly have a full-on KINGDOM, though. It's kinda like saying a hole in the ground covered by a tarp is a "house"...

[Dirty Bit]

That last line was so funny The chapter title made me think of Recess.

[ngrey651]

7045565

Fair enough, I'll try to let M.E know. :)

[TJenkins006]

why would sans have smut?

[ngrey651]

7046289
Cuz ladies and dogs like him for the exact same reason. He's always got a BONE ready for 'em!

[TJenkins006]

nice pun

[shinigamisparda]

7046289 For his boners. In fact, he IS a boner.

... I'm sorry, but I had to.