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MrDestiny80
I know words. I have the best words!
MrDestiny80
Joined 28th Jan, 2015 ·
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Imagine an ending where Sombra finds the Crystal Heart, destroys it, and turns the Mane 6, Shining, the Princesses, and the whole of Equestria and the outsider nations into what he is.
6865691 Stick around and see where the story goes ... ^_^
I'm hoping for the ending in which he finds the heart and turns the mane 6 into his personal concubines
6865757 NO! I didn't actually want that to happen!
Why are all your characters speaking in bold as if they were shouting? I suggest you fix this.
I like where this is going, but...before you start writing more chapters, please go back and get rid of the bold in most of the characters' quotes.
It not only looks weird, but they are a complete eyesore, which is bad.
I suggest you save the bold stuff on certain sentences, such as someone yelling in anger or in a real panic voice.
6867101
6866164
Thank you very much for the feedback, both of you.
Initially I though it would be easier for users to read it like this, because they clearly could see when a dialogue would appear.
But I see that is not the case.
I will fix it right away and take your advice for future chapters. Thanks a lot!
6867224
Your welcome, but that's what the quotation marks are there for. They let us know when a character is speaking, unless it becomes useless on certain dialogues.
Please forgive me for not mentioning this before, but it slipped my mind. If you are, so happening, using dialogues that involves a character speaking into another character's mind such as telepathy, talking to themselves inside their own mind, or outside dialogue like in the very first chapter. For example, when some unknown character said, "It had returned!" Use italics, instead. They are much less harsh than the bold, and they let readers be aware it is a speaking of thought; not character talking to a character, or a character talking to himself.
Italics could also be added to poems, Journal or letter entries the character is writing, parts of something from a book a character is reading that is necessary to the plot, or on a certain word in a sentence that makes it an eye catcher, but not popping out too much like on a view words that I did earlier.
It is possible to add bold on a title to a letter or journal, but like I said.
Unless it is used for a stronger way to show that a character is yelling, either in anger, or screaming in panic, leave the BOLD alone!
6869132 Another excellent piece of advice. Already made some modifications accordingly. In the prologue everything is supposed to be narrated, so I will leave it as that.
Thank you very much. Glad to see you are enjoying it. I will try to update it close to once a week
... well... i'm scared for sombra
6865745
Really enjoying this so far, keep up the *cough* clop-tastic work!
I almost passed out reading this, it was so..excitable? Erotic? AWESOME?
I suggest Sombra's minions use the mane 6 as their personal...fun slaves. The end can be the mane 6 are all mothers of Sombra's children. Just a suggestion, but I would like it. :D
6881579 Delighted to here that :). I shall consider it but I hope you stay tuned to see where the story goes ^_^
I like the Lord of The Rings line that you used.
Can't wait till he gets to Rarity.
6883424 I do to spice things up with references to several movies/series /books etc.
Glad you caught that one. Good eye
Good, but you have to be more careful with your grammar and use of simile.
>He felt like a miner digging a tunnel with his rock hard stallionhood.
This... this made me tear up and burst out into laughter. My sides still hurt. The opposite of the intended effect, I think.
6887371 Thanks for your awesome feedback and really good writing tips. Took them into account!
Man! What Sombra did to Apple Jack and Rainbowdash was a lot worse than what he did to Twilight!
That was one intense chapter.
Whoa. This is really evil stuff. I approve.
Can't wait to see what happens next.
Before reading this chapter, I thought it was going to be about Sombra raping his next victim. For some odd reason, this threw me completely off guard.
I'm not saying that this is a bad thing or disappointed that this is not the case. In fact, I think it was a rather smart move.
Not only it was a break from that sex stuff, but we get to see as to what is going on with not just the three that were raped, but the others as well.
I can't wait to see what you're going to do next, especially with Pinkie. Truth be told, she's not my most favorite character, but I'm curious as to how she is going to deal with Sombra. I mean, would she willingly have sex with him, and tell him that she doesn't know where the crystal heart is, but the sex was fun anyway, or her mane just turns flat and sobs uncontrollably while he rapes her.
Again, keep up the good work, and one last thing.
Why are you spelling it like you are trying to say hey to somebody? It's supposed to be hay as in H-A-Y, not H-E-Y. You not only did it on this sentence but, several others as well.
6934231 Thank you for the comment and feedback.
My bad on the "hey -> hay" part. Corrected it
Next time, you can just PM me a correction ^_^
Hmm, heh, I could see Sombra take a different approach with Rarity. He does have some power over the minds of others, yes?
If that's the case, what if he uses them to tweak her brain a little? Make it so that the refined lady suddenly gets off on being treated like the lowest, filthiest slut, like an addiction that can't be denied, and her thoughts will always return to Sombra's image. Then afterwards, tell her that it'll become permanent, that the rest of her life will be her looking for some stallion to treat her the worst possible way while Sombra sneers at her in her mind, unless she tells him where the Crystal Heart is.
In the last paragraph there it's toll not tool. Looks okay so far
6948314 Duly noted and fixed good reader. Thank you
Next time, you can just PM me a correction ^_^
"such a rarity" - I see what you fucking did there
6973964 You noticed
I really hope he wins. That may be dark, but damn is it fun watching him be evil. I hope he ends up keeping all the mane 6 as his concubines or something
6975538 I am really glad to hear you are enjoying it and like my 'interpretation' of Sombr. I have to admit, it is also very fun to write him that way.
You know what they say: It's good to be bad!
Be sure to stick around for later chapters
6975753 I will indeed
Great story and job so far, I just hope it has a sequel or Sombra starts to further torment (not torture) them. So by torment I don't mean up the physical torture, I mean up the mental torture. So many fics like this one just keep uping the damage till they are beyond ridiculous, i.e. the first chapter of fics like this typically begin with basic rape and by chapter 5 they are devouring the souls of their victims and cutting off skin and wearing it (no thank you).
By further tormenting them I mean more of a story element thing and mental torture. For instance forcing them to be concubines, or bearing his children, while tricking, threatening, or forcing them into giving up their family members for fun, like Pinkie Pie's sister added to his collection of raped victims or force concubines. And of course his slow but juggernaut conquest of equestria and other mares.
But in the end I would be fine if they all finally escape and get their revenge on him too, anyway you spin this story at this point will still make for a good read. So A+ on this fic so far (good setup, story, rape, and even character development / portrayal). Looking forward to the next chapter.
I am quit amazed that this chapter is so long and good, yet it only takes you almost two weeks to upload. Usually, stories that I read that have chapters about as long as this end up taking months to even upload.
Just how do you do it, man?
Again, keep up the good work.
6977884
Awesome to hear you like it. I always enjoy getting feedback and new ideas from the readers and this community of by far one of the coolest and friendliest I have ever seen.
Regarding the sequel ... let me first finish this story and see how it goes ^_^
6978340 You're kind words always warm by black heart, mwahahahaha
(why is there no Sombra emoticon 
)
To be honest, I have not written of all this in just 2 weeks. I always have a bit of content "in the pipeline".
Thanks to the great feedback I have gotten, I take time to proof-read (although some errors still escape me, doh
) and edit the final form of the chapters a bit before posting.
Well, it's tempting to read this story, but, I'm hesitating because of rape. Last time I've read a rape fic, I got into depression for one and a half week. I don't doubt your story has quality judging by the feed, but I'd rather not have depression now that I'm about to start another semester
6978487
Your writing skills have vastly improved. Well done. Well done, indeed. Taking advantage of the Mane Six's varied backgrounds and coming up with varied responses to their situation was a nice touch.
7000806 That is so awesome to hear, especially coming from you!
I never realized how complex MLP characters can be until I started writing this. The writers of the show are doing a really great job and they provide us with amazing characters to put in any kind of situations we want
7004655 And a lot more will happen in the next chapters
7004667 Well normally I dislike rape and torture of the Mane 6. But you sir. You have my full attention!
I can't tell if Twilight is serious or not. She was dead set on hating Sombra earlier, but she had that odd dream talk after. Still even if she was pissed with Celestia, I truly doubt she would completely switch sides like this.
We also have Sombra preparing to deal with the other elements. Their fates will be very dark and very interesting to read.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ... what are you up to, Twilight? Are you really broken or are you going to try to take the Crystal Heart back when you get the chance? Saving her friends, that I can believe but MORE of what she experienced. Brave, really brave.
Sombra, you monster: you never had any intention of carrying out Twilight's request of not harming her friends if she pleases you. I wonder how she'd react to it ... wait, scratch that, I already know.
I have the feeling that Sombra will pull a Frank Langella moment pretty soon.
Normally the next chapter would be about how Twilight manages to turn the situation around to give the story a good ending.
But I'm not sure if that'll happen.
Besides, has there always been Romance-tag for this story?
please please write about what happens to RD in the barracks. Hawt.
Also jeez the movie references were through the roof in this chapter
This story was going so well too. Why is it villians are always arrogant and/or stupid enough to fall for what Twilight did every time? It's one of the worst cliche's and is rediculous. I'd have just cut off the horns and wings and thrown the Mane 6 to the soldiers to do with as they please. Was actually hoping this story would end with Sombra winning.
7005172 I really hope Twilight fails at what she hopes to do to Sombra. I want Sombra to win by the end of the story.
a neat little plot twist in my opinion would be twilight somehow gets the necklace and it corrupts her turning her into midnight sparkle or whatever the official nightmare version of her is then she rapes Sombra. HAHA POETIC JUSTICE IS SERVEd you take my flower I take yours
7005172 To answer your question: yes.
But... now that you've mentioned it, I am starting to wonder whether or not it should be there (considering what I have written so far)
. Don't want to make false promises (for now)
I think it is best that I remove it for now, and add it later, should need arise