• Published 23rd Jan 2016
  • 11,821 Views, 218 Comments

Prisoners of the Crystal Empire - MrDestiny80



During the war between Equestria and the Crystal Empire, the mane six get captured. Horrors await, as each of them is 'personally' interrogated by King Sombra.

Comments ( 45 )

So, that's the end? It wasn't that bad although it could've been a bit more detailed regarding Sombras final battle and eventual defeat.

Either way, even as an open end like this it is okay, even if it feels maybe a little bit rushed. Just my opinion though.

All things considered it was a well written story although maybe a little bit short. I'm not sure anymore about the actual span of time regarding the events from the capture of the mane six to their escape, but it was only over the course of a few days at most, wasn't it?
There could've been a bit more traumatic experiences, torture and/or rape but that's only my opinion.

Nevertheless, it was a nice story. :twilightsmile:

7110773 Really glad you liked it and thank you for all the feedback you have given throughout its writing process.

The open end was my intention from the start, because I wanted the focus to be on the rape experience itself, not the outcome of the war. Some readers might prefer Sombra losing, other might want him to win the war (whose to say he does not do that? :trixieshiftright:).

I am very glad to hear you wanted the story to be longer, but it is already bigger than I initially intended. If I would have just tried to drag it out, I am afraid the quality would have suffered.

Regarding the time, the mane six spent (from capture to escape) 3 days in the iron king's clutches.

Thanks again for the awesome comments! :pinkiehappy:

7110795 Altough I'm not a writer myself, I think an ending is the most difficult part to write because people have certain expectations, as you already stated. While an open end might seem unsatisfactory, it's nevertheless maybe the best course of action to end a story, implying thereby that the events still might going on so you did the right thing. :twilightsmile:

What's your further plans regarding future stories?

I must say I really enjoyed the story. By far the best part was the middle, when the 6 got raped, but the ending didn't disappoint either. I would like to see a sequel someday, or another story.

Also, holy f***ing shit, was Sombra interesting. I recognized dialogue from Garosh Hellscream, Disney Villains, Immortal Joe (mediocre!) and a few others. I guess we know where you got your inspiration from. If this open end is really how it ends, in my mind he wins!

I do like the fact that it did end. About 80% of all the fics on this site have no end and just run into the pile of incomplete stories. The ending works great since it's still open ended. At this point you could walk away and just leave it alone to the disappointment of some, but at least it's now under the complete section of stories.

I am kind of hoping for squeal's myself, one where he has one last good legendary show down in his castle, but instead of being totally defeated (like in the show) he basically escapes and becomes the boogie man. He tries to get his revenge here and there, but somewhere down the line he finds he just like the endless cycle of torment and boogie man status he has, kind of like the Joker / Batman relation, except this would be the Sombra / Twilight version. Of course Twilight and her friends keep finding new ways to stop him / hunt / capture/ defeat him, but there is always some last minute way he saves himself, mainly because they try to preach friendship / love and not killing people, just banishing or turning to stone. He may have his own idea's about simply turning Twilight to Darkness, or any of the princesses he can get his hooves on. His main focus being that he want's the crystal heart to stop gaining hope by showing he can be anywhere and anyplace and do whatever he wants to any pony (except a lot of times he can't without very careful planning).

I don't know I always get weird ideas I would like to see. Especially with good writers.

While I'm sad that this story is over, it felt satisfying from start to finish.
Now, the only question is what now? Sequel, maybe?

Post-Epiloge!!!! With a giant battle!!!! Or have a spin off story where sombra calls upon hades or something and wins!!!! Good finish, but soooooo much mystery on what happens next!!!!! Plz, More!!!!!!
7110795
P.S. I wanted the mane six to win:Equestria: 1, sombra: none;)

I also want to commend you on ditermination and punctuality! Stories I'm tracking usally stop in the middle of the story(even if it has TONS of likes and like 3 dislikes)and on top of that the don't even publish on days they say they will(few exeptions) But that is just me.
7110795

7111980 7111708 7111003
You all have made day :heart:. Like I promised, I was determined to finish the story and, should I write any more in the future, I will keep being determined and focused and actually write them all the way to the conclusion. I am also frustrated when a good thing suddenly stops for no real reason :fluttercry:

Regarding the open ending and the lack of a battle scene, the story I wanted to write focuses on the rape experience itself and overcoming it. I never meant to write a war epic, so that is why I ended it as I did. If I would have dragged it out, I fear the quality would have suffered. Also, if I had chosen a clear side (aka have Sombra lose/win), any choice would have pissed off at least 50% of the readers. But the story I wanted to tell has ended.

Regarding a sequel, I am not 100% sure that I will do one to this particular story, simply because new audiences are usually turned away by sequels. When I eventually do write a new fanficiton, I think I will stick to one of my favorite themes (rape :twilightoops:) and I might re-use Sombra (he seems a perfect fit for this), but it won't necessarily be a direct continuation of this story.

And thanks for all your suggestions and feedback throughout the writing process. I sure had a wonderful time writing the fanfic!

Thanx for the ride bro:rainbowdetermined2: It was fun:rainbowdetermined2:

7112347

Well thanks for raising the bar, it's great to have actual story, conflict and resolution to some of these stories.

This story goes up there with
-The Destiny of a Forgotten Goddess: An Anthology (light on the dark side but still feature mind control, the women can't say no)
-Garden of Chaos
So now there at least 3 well done decent dark clops stories out there. Though your new story "Prisoners of the Crystal Empire" is at the top of the list.

There are a few other good ones out their too, but they never finished and there for lost quality, like Game of Estrus, or Twilight's Midnight Violations.

Universal Acceptance looks promising, but it hasn't finished and the updates have gotten a lot slower.

7112347
The choices you made had reasons to back them up, and though some people might not of liked them, I sucked up my personal opinions and supported you( and will continue to support you) in future stories. I had a lot of fun reading this and I hope I get to read the next!

7112347 Well, it's a good thing that you are hesitating to making sequels, which is why I said maybe, and not asking to go on and do one, because sadly, you are right. I've seen or read many sequels that have ended up becoming lame or uninteresting at all. Which is why people should only make one if it going to be interesting and more different, but still connected to the first one, and not just because a bunch of fans want it.
And I understand your favorite theme is rape, but try not to always make every single of your fan stories have rape in it. I mean, I don't mind rape stories as I liked this one, but I just think that authors should always be creative by doing things completely different now and then when making new stories.
And one last thing. I know you like Sombra and Twilight being paired together, and if ever you have a good idea, please, oh please one day make a story that actually have a shipping of the two. It's always so f***ing rare to find a really good story of them being a couple, especially mature ones, and you look like the perfect guy to actually do it. :pinkiehappy: That is, if you actually have a good idea of one.

Great ending.:pinkiehappy: Amazing work I love this story I hope you keep writing more story's. :twilightblush:

I think if I had a major complaint, its that the end fight needed more magical bladts, twilight using sword combat, or each if the mane six kicking his ass rainbowfied. Sorry, every fic to me is compared to immortal game.

I think I know why I love this fic, and it's very simple...it makes me think of why I love this fandom in general. Its the originally I'm the fics and respect even when it comes to matters like this.

See, if this were a sailor moon fic...then here is what would happen. It would end with the senshi becoming sec slaves, losing to sombra's dick, and end up loving the rape. Not here, the heroes win and for that I thank you.

7185458 I am so glad to see that there are many readers who enjoyed the "happy" ending :raritywink:.

As I was writing, most people said they would want Sombra to win, so it is awesome to see the different tastes of the fandom.

From the start I had planned the story to have an optimistic ending and I went through with it. Thank you for your awesome suggestion and for expressing your opinion about the ending. :twilightsmile:

Good story, I almost wish we could see Sombra last stand or even his eventual trial if taken alive. Only chapter 10 seemed overly drawn out with very odd lines for some of the characters.

7194976 Your feedback is much appreciated. I will take into account what you said, try to think of ways in which I can improve my writing style and hopefully it will show, should I ever get inspiration to compose another story.
I am very thankful you expressed your disagreement (with certain choices I made) in a rather constructive manner.

Also, can I just suggest reading chapter 7 (since you did mention Twilight and wanting her to act more intelligent) :trixieshiftright:.

One more thing: regarding bondage types, please look at the cover art and focus on Rarity and Rainbow's position in the images. Although not 100% the pose in my story, that is how I envisioned hooves over head or 'upright', when it comes to bondage.

Despite every thing that happened in this story it was actually a good story. ^_^

Have you ever thought of making a sequel? I have a good idea for one.

If you like doing these Sombra fics, I have a rape with him and the princesses, and maybe the main six, but all the sex is specifically plot constructive (*whispers* not really, the plot is sex constructive)

Dark as hell, and while I don't like the rapey bits, it is still a pretty good story.

~Crystalline Electrostatic~
2:37_7/4/2016

Despite how disturbing some parts were, I really gotta admit that this story is deeper than one would expect and has some really strong notions. I just have to thank you that you didn't decide to go to the extreme with the torture. If Rainbow's wings would have been cut off, I would probably have died a little on the inside.

7555518 I am extremely glad that you read deep into the story and enjoyed it. As for the "disturbing" parts, especially the rape bits: they are the idea which git me to write the story :trixieshiftright:

Such an idea had been floating in my head for a while and after certain mlp episodes came out, I knew this universe would be a perfect setting for the story.
And since the show is usually about the triumph of good, I allowed the story to reflect that :twilightsmile:

7763125 You mean it was a bit too violent for your tastes ?

Wow, that was surely the evilest depiction of Sombras character I read so far. :pinkiegasp:

Overall a highly readable story.

7.5 / 10.

:moustache:

8036753 Thanks for the comments and rating. Glad it met your standards. Really enjoyed writing it and I 'm super happy to see people still enjoy reading it!

*Sees title and description.* Well this most certainly will come in handy if I ever want to become violently angry, but don't actually have something to enrage me to the point where I am violently angry.

"And no matter how far apart we are, I will always be close to you and your friends … because … we'll always have the memories!"

Oh boy...:rainbowderp:.

9270038
I had that line in my head for soooo long, even before finishing the 1st draft of chapter one. I knew how the story would go (at least the major points) before I started writing it, since I had thought about it for so long.
But actually getting to write that line ... that was so satisfactory :twilightblush:

have you ever thought about making a sequal to this?

MrDestiny80-senpai! Can you do a sequel? Please? Pretty please??

10171974
:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart: So happy to hear you liked it.
I had an attempt to make something of a sequel in Defiance, but overall didn't have the inspiration to see it through. Maybe it's better to leave it as it is... a complete story

10174066
NOOOO!!! :applecry::raritycry: But it has so much potential to get a sequel! Like, the final battle between Sombra and Twilight! He could get into her head! Confuse her and irritate her! He could do so much! (Personally, I really want another sex scene between the two of them :twilightsheepish:) The point is... (what was the point? oh right) A sequel would make it feel even more finished and all readers would, I'm sure, appreciate it! I know I would, but I wanna cry because now, without a sequel, this story can't reach its full potential.

you should make a sequal

10524438
So glad you liked it :twilightblush:. Sadly I tried to, but didn't really have inspiration :fluttercry:.
I started Defiance as a kind of sequel, but it just didn't flow as nicely as this one did.

10844119
Well, thanks for not getting mad. I quite enjoyed this. Best Twi X Sombra sex scene I've ever read.
I feel bad for Sombra, despite all his crimes. It did mention that he was lovestruck, so I can only a little bit imagine him being left slightly heartbroken. Anyways, I hope in the future you can either (if you want) do an alternate sequel to this or another story featuring Twi X Sombra cause I quite enjoy them. I hope this motivates you enough. That is basically my goal over the internet. To motivate.

Hi. I have a question. 2 questions actually. Ok so I wasn't planning on asking you to not sound annoying but it's been pulling on me so I couldn't stop myself.

Anyways, lemme begin with my first question. I'm confused here but are the characters in this fic (that I finished reading) anthro or not. Don't get me wrong but when I was reading it mentioned that the mares here have . . . well . . . breasts. And I thought that those are feminine features on a girl. However, they do have those but they don't have hands. This confused me since normally anthro characters have hands but these as I've read have hooves.

And my second question is about, Sombra. So I thought is this the Sombra from the IDW comics (If you knew about those) or the one from the show? If you don't know about the IDW comics you should go and check them out. Anyways though as I thought about this more I figured that judging by who Sombra is In the comics it's hard for me to believe that he'd ever been bold enough to commit something like rape.

So if you used the show Sombra here and since considering that he didn't have much of a personality (forget about season 9) you could explore him as much as you want. His character is pretty clear to see. I know that he's dominating, cruel, and sexy. So I began to wonder (if you want to) that maybe for a future story you can come up with your very own backstory for him. To maybe explain why he's so cruel. It's up to you though, I'm not gonna force you.

10848392
Both great questions.
1) Regarding the breasts ... no, they are not supposed to be anthro. They are just like in the show. Even though they don't really show vaginas and breasts in the show, we know mares have them. Regarding focusing on the breasts in some paragraphs, I drew inspiration (for writing this) from other clop fictions and porn movies I saw, so I had a lot of scenes in my mind which would normally focus on breasts. Because I knew they are not that popular with non-anthro stories, I reduced those scenes to a minimum, but still used them when I wanted to convey arousal, teasing or for torture sometimes.
In case you are thinking "how am I supposed to imagine the scenes", just think of the show and, just like mares, they have them close to the vagina, without sticking out too much.

2) This was written before season 9 came out, so I did not know they were gonna bring back Sombra. I have to admit I only browsed the comics a little. I didn't like Sombra that much, except for his origin: that there was a race of shadow creatures and that he was one of them. Since Sombra in the show, before season 9 had like 3 lines, he could be molded by the writer as they saw fit, which is why he was at some point the most popular villain in fan-fics. The reason why I chose to stick to his umbrum origins (from the comic) was that I could exploit the whole Shadow theme for more magical powers and abilities and I could make it so that pain and suffering fuel them. The reason I made him sexy, in a brutal imposing way, was to fit in with the rapes.
Finally, regarding his cruelty, I went back and forth on that a bit, but I felt that (since I knew chapter 7 was going to happen even as I was writing chapter 1) he needed to have some flaws which would allow him to be fooled/gullible at some point, so I made him cruel and arrogant.
Whenever I made a decision, I didn't care about "going against" IDW but I did try not to make it "incompatible" with his history from the MLP cartoon.

10849205
Alright, then that makes sense. Thank you for making it clear.
I hope I didn't sound too annoying. :pinkiesad2:

10849690
It was a pleasure :)

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