The Conversion Bureau: Thus Saith The Lord

by Kamin 989

Chapter II: I Send the Swarm, I Send the Horde!

Chapter II: I Send the Swarm, I Send the Horde!

This is what the great LORD says: Let my people go, so that they may worship me. If you refuse to let them go, I will plague your whole country with frogs. The Nile will teem with frogs. They will come up into your palace and your bedroom and onto your bed, into the houses of your officials and on your people, and into your ovens and kneading troughs. The frogs will go up on you and your people and all your officials.
- Exodus, 4:1-4

London, England

A nondescript building near the city centre of the United Kingdom's capital was hit by a large explosion, shaking the streets. When firefighters arrived an hour later, the delay caused by the filing of half a dozen completely unnecessary forms and a lengthy detour through traffic, they decided not to look for survivors. Too far gone, obviously. Then, when the police made the investigation, the cause was put down to a gas leak. It was only a matter of time, they said.

Of course, everybody knew the real reason. The building had been a Conversion Bureau location, and now that Celestia had summoned all her ponies back to Equestria four days ago, people were on the lookout to get rid of so-called 'species traitors', particularly in places where they tended to bunch up. The same type of incident had taken place in Frankfurt and Shanghai, and even the reputedly harsh police force of the PRC had turned a blind eye. Not after New York had been evacuated, Celestia's ponies snatching up stragglers for 'Purification'.

The reason behind Celestia's bizarre action had been explained in the papers a day after, by journalists working with information from a confidential source called 'Sunset'. Apparently Equestria's water supply, from the greatest river to the smallest pond, had been tainted by some kind of acid. It wasn't usually enough to kill, but it was so painful it made ponies wish it had for up to twelve hours. Not even Celestia herself could deal with the pain it caused or purify the water, and as a result she had in her panic recalled the ponies from their Conversion Bureaus around the world.

Which caused another problem for the Bureaus other than being shot or blown to bits by vigilantes eager to take out their desire for vengeance. For reasons of security the ponification serum was always made on-site and wasn't kept in large amounts, no more than what would be needed to use on a week's worth of people. Furthermore, Equestrian magic was a critical ingredient in making more.

To get to the point, the Bureaus were running urgently short of serum, and had no way to replace it.

It almost looked as if it had been planned, and then another odd thing came in. Sunset maintained that the 'newfoals' - the humans 'Purified', now living in Equestria - were completely immune to the acid. In fact, they didn't notice they were drinking anything other than water.

Curious thing, that.

~*~

Canterlot, Equestria

Celestia was frustrated. It had been working like clockwork, so perfectly. Nobody but her knew the reason for the abnormal weather patterns and crop failures after Equestria had arrived, why it had been spreading, or why standing on its soil made humans sicken and die. She was using the country of Equestria to vampirise the human world, draining the life energy of the planet to enhance her own power. Then she had provided a 'solution' for the manufactured crisis, turning humans into ponies through a serum she had clearly had a hoof in making.

The thing was, the serum she had so generously provided had a niggling flaw, or rather a bonus feature solely for herself. Capacity for negative emotions was massively reduced, and love for being human became love for Celestia. The humans couldn't tell because their scientific instruments were right now unable to detect Equestrian magic, and if she had her way, never would be. And if they asked why their Purified brothers and sisters were behaving so strangely, Celestia and her mouthpieces just said that it was the natural state of ponyhood - it wasn't like they knew anything about Equestria that didn't ultimately spring from her. Besides, wasn't she just helping them rise above their miserable ape natures? Didn't she have the right to help them, by any means necessary? Didn't she have a burden? Hadn't she, ever since she first looked at their miserable existences, a year before the Translation?

Until that damn dirty impudent ape had ruined the plan. If this went the best way possible for her, she estimated her schedule would slip by three decades. That was unacceptable. But her unicorns, when not trying to hunt those rebels or stop the poison that her waters had become, were scouring Equestria high and low for that filthy ape.

They hadn't found hide or hair.

She wondered if this was anything to do with her sister. She knew she should never have let her back from the moon - Luna had rejected her wonderful plan to civilise the humans after she had proposed it (but not in such terms) at their 'United Nations' a few months after the Translation, and had been cast out of Canterlot for her insolence. She was thought to be in the Everfree Forest somewhere, but her unicorns and pegasi had been unable to find her, or the six ponies bearing the Elements of Harmony thought to be helping her.

A pegasus rushed into the audience chamber, carefully avoiding the massive scorch mark burnt into the floor in front of the throne.

'Celestia,' the pegasus said. 'We have good news.'

~*~

Manehattan

The river that fed Manehatten had been restored to its crystal-clear state after a week of drought. Steffy felt relief, after all, what could be worse than what had happened the last week? She scratched her brown mane against a wall, then scratched her piano cutie mark.

She turned her face to the river and saw the woman again, with the same staff in her hand. She didn't speak as she had last time, but struck the staff on the stones by the bank. Suddenly, countless frogs began to pour from the waters, rabidly croaking, swarming over everything as a limitless army.

~*~

Ponyville

It had been two days since the frogs had come upon Equestria in their endless hordes. They croaked night and day, and stopped all concentration with their constant chorus of 'ribbit, ribbit'. To sleep in such a din was beyond impossible, and the frogs did far worse than stop concentration. If ovens were opened the frogs threw themselves into them to spoil the food, and they covered every flat surface. Worst of all was their endless number. No matter how many were gotten rid of, there were always more - even if they were blown to pieces the remnants grew into fully-grown frogs themselves.

They came in all sizes, some even large enough to threaten a fully-grown filly, or so some traumatised ponies said. The worst was that the newfoals didn't seem to notice the frogs everywhere. It was unnatural, the Equestrians knew. The ponies in Ponyville generally tended to trust and respect Celestia, but she and her unicorns couldn't do a thing against the infestation. But still, there wasn't much talk directed against the Princess. She tended to take displeasure at that.

~*~

Seattle, Washington

Marilyn was a journalist for a rather prominent local newspaper, and was the writer for the Foreign Affairs section. The primary reason for this was her confidential source located in Equestria itself, sending reports of the situation there under the name 'Sunset'. She definitely didn't like Celestia, but still-

-Marilyn looked over the latest report. It was a detailed description of what was happening, this time with photos. She took one look and recoiled in surprise. The whole country was completely overrun with frogs. She generally considered herself Christian, hadn't read the Bible in years, but this, after the poisoning of the water-

-What was this, The Prince of Egypt?

She was equal parts scared and pleased - the Barrier had stopped at the Rocky Mountains, but she didn't want to turn into one of the ponies, not even to save her life. But the idea of God sending down His vengeance, even if it was on Celestia, was a terrifying idea.

~*~

Live on Vatican Radio

"The Church, in light of recent events, stands by its stern opposition to the 'Purification' scheme of Princess Celestia, and its rejection of the racially intolerant and misanthropic rhetoric of her supporters..."

"...The recent protest in Baltimore by Equestrian supremacists has led the Pope to issue a bull of mass excommunication on all Catholics who are members of any organisation in sympathy with or enacting the ideas of the 'Purification', effective immediately, until they repent and end all involvement in such organisations..."

Comments

[RidiculouslyOP]

Lol, da Pope.

[JustAnotherRandomFan]

I'm an atheist, but this made me think, "Way to go Pope!!! Awesome!"

[Bronzer]

When firefighters arrived an hour later, the delay caused by the filing of half a dozen completely unnecessary forms and a lengthy detour through traffic,

In America, the firetrucks would be allowed (and obligated) to simply ram their way through all obstacles. I do mean ram. As in, if vehicles are in the way, they won't be for long.

Celestia and her mouthpieces just said that it was the natural state of ponyhood

Which makes people resist even more strongly than if they knew the truth.

[Admiral_Gravleos]

6189414 Get outta The way! HONK HONK!

[H550]

6189414 they didn't care enough to help.

[The oracle]

6189414 I spy assholes needing to be mowed down. Care to join me?

[I_am_XNN]

working with information from a confidential source called 'Sunset'.

Oh?

[Dimitri2278]

I could imagine almost every Christian leader giving a similar speech. In my case; the president of the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints.

[FidgetZorua]

I can’t help but think of this song when I read this fic

[Order]

God isnt frustrated HES ANGRY AND HES GONNA KILL ALL OF EQUARTA IF HE HAS FO HAHAHAHAH