• Member Since 26th Dec, 2015
  • offline last seen July 14th

Harmony Pie


Rapists can climb

E

When Pinkie came knocking at her castle door, Twilight herself was a little surprised. She had brought her a gift. But the older mare had a strange, dark mood about her. Shouldn't Twilight be happy, anyway? Yet when she opens the present, it just might be the most heartbreaking thing she has ever recieved.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 112 )

I hope this is an improvement from "Earth Magic" :pinkiehappy:

This is a major improvement....it had me in tears....good job!:pinkiesad2:

This was great. Well done

6868585 this is more of a spiritual successor.

When's part 3?

6869584
whats a spiritual sucessor?

And about Earth magic, I'm not sure yet, it could be a couple more days...I'm not feeling that motivated yet:derpytongue2:

This.. is amazing. I love it ^-^ Absolutely love it. It's so beautiful, and so sad. I love stories like that.
I give this a Muffin Rating of... Ten out of ten muffins! :derpytongue2:
~SoDF

.....Cries very very softly....

6868585

You continue to impress me with the quality of your story telling, and the grammar is much improved :twilightsmile:
If I could manage to write so imaginatively and prolifically, I would be much happier as a writer.

why? why did you have to make me cri ;-;

Not bad, not bad. You set a decent enough atmosphere, and I'm not even made about your Hermioneigh pun when I feel like I should be. For the most part, Twilight seemed in character.

I feel like there were a lot of unasked and unanswered questions, though. I'll let other people list some of them as they see fit, which I hope they do. But the one that really grabbed me is this: I'm not entirely sure that setting the timeline only two decades ahead really justifies the immortality angst on Pinkie Pie's part.

Not really feeling the need for an AU tag either. It's not like any of the story can be disproven by canon or anything. Unless at some point each pony's age is explicitly mentioned; all we know for certain is that Fluttershy is a year older than Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash is 21.

And I gotta admit, Pinkie just showing up, dropping a farewell gift in Twilight's lap, and then leaving without too much more really doesn't squeeze my emotional testes without a good deal more context. That, and Pinkie pretty much says exactly the same thing four or five different ways. A lengthier and less-repetitive, less one-sided conversation—perhaps a flashback or two in the mix somewhere—I think could have helped establish why Pinkie is just so suddenly sad about the situation. While the gift was nice enough, it still doesn't feel like it had tremendous weight behind it. I mean, she's only 47 in the story, but she's talking and acting like she's going to drop dead any minute. Is she terminally ill or something?


Even with all that, a nice, good bit of writing. I think you definitely have it in you to do better though. Now, I'll list some general minor things you could improve on below. These (and the story critique) aside, I'm remarkably impressed with your skill at such a tender (and hopefully malleable) age.

Sentence structure is a little repetitive at times. Take the first paragraph as a perfect example:

The fire burned bright, with almost as many colors as Celestia's mane. The embers flickered at the hearth, and iridescent flames licked the charred logs. A lavender alicorn sighed contently, and shifted in her pile of warm blankets.

Clause, comma, clause.
Clause, comma, clause.
Clause, comma, clause.
Vary it up a bit, or your writing will become stale to read. :duck:

•A bit of excess comma abuse; there are many sentences where they simply aren't necessary. I'll provide some (but far from all) examples:

A lavender alicorn sighed contently, and shifted in her pile of warm blankets.

Friendship was just as important, but sometimes the princess just had to get away from it all, and have some alone time.

The mare tucked her forelegs beneath her, and buried her muzzle in the carpet.

•You describe ponies as "the alicorn," "the princess," or "the older mare" quite a few more times than is necessary; "the princess" appears 11 times, while "the older mare" appears 5 times. This is called Burly Detective Syndrome but is better known in the MLP fandom as Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. I don't believe you have to hammer these descriptions home as hard as you have. Usually, you only need to describe a character once in any particular fashion, especially if we already know what they look like—this is fanfiction after all. Usually I would say not to describe any character in any particular way unless their appearance / other descriptor was vital to the story, but I can't tell you off for that too much because age is a key theme here. Even so, tone it down a bit. :unsuresweetie:

•Length-wise, your ellipsis use (ellipses plural) is a bit inconsistent. An ellipsis is three periods which when joined together, imply a pause or a skip. Of course you know that, but what you may not be aware of is that, in general fiction at least, ellipses should not contain more than three periods. Depending on who you talk to, some people punctuate their ellipsis with its own period, but this tends to only be applicable in formal writing. I see some ellipses here where you have four or even more. More periods does not equal a longer pause.

Another point is that you need to decide on how you present them; either they all have no space following them and so connect to the next word, or they all have a space following them, keeping the next word separate. Pick a style and stick with it; mixing them up is just messy.

To expand on this: depending on which writing program you use, it will automatically convert three periods to an ellipsis, becoming a completely separate punctuation mark. Contrary to popular belief, three periods do not technically equate to an ellipsis. Look at these for example – ... … – now see what happens when you highlight one compared to the other. :ajsmug:
As a matter of fact, I can point out where you've done this, even—probably completely unawares.

Just...just take your time, okay?

"…2--45."

•Two issues here:

But Twilight...where are you kids?

But, Twilight (Comma needed for direct address—always place a comma before someone's name or title if they are being directly spoken to)

But Twilight...where are you kids?

where are your kids? (Simple typo)

There are more smaller (but less distracting) issues too, but I just mentioned the main ones that jumped out at me.


I'll keep an eye on you. You have potential. Definitely look at investing in a good editor though. I know quite a few personally; I have some showcased on my profile if you want to take a peek. You can only go up. :twilightsmile:

Better than Earth Magic, in the sense that it was actually interesting and I managed to finish this.

This doesn't need an AU tag. The characters do seem a little young to be posing these sorts of questions, though,

6871260
thanks for your feedback. I'll up the ages:pinkiehappy:

6871179
thank you so much for responding, I'll keep it in mind:twilightsmile:

6871179
but how can I see the spoilers?:rainbowhuh:

6871298 Simply hover your mouse over spoilers to reveal the truth.

I think the adjusted ages work much better. Many people think of 40s as still being late middle age, and the popular perception of 'old' starts at 50. That, and it's more believable for a fifty-year-old to be on their deathbed.

6871305
ooh, thats why! I'm on a IPad! is there anyway to see it without a mouse?

6871315 I honestly wouldn't know. Perhaps if one were to tap the word with a very small stylus, or the tip of a pencil, it might register touch without obstructing one's view as a thumb would.

But there is no readily available means by which to disable spoilers site-wide, as far as I am aware.

6871315
6871320
I know that on my smartphone all I have to do is tap the spoiler and it goes away until I tap the screen again.
Dunno if Apple products work the same though.

Found a few little typos along the way, but this was a great ride of the imagination - as well as a great outpouring of emotions and feels. Nicely done. :3

The feels! :fluttercry:

This is probably the first story that's ever made me cry. It was very nicely written, and perfectly portrays the emotions of the characters.

Great job!

Why must you break my heart like this? In all seriousness, this was a really nice story.

That's a wonderful story :3
I cried because it was sad and happy :raritycry:
Have a favorite and a like.

I still haven't found a story to make me cry, but this one has come the closest out of all the ones I've read. Just... Right in the feels.

Well, it's written well enough, at least technically, and the imagery is pretty good. However, I just feel like this story isn't quite there, so to speak.

I suppose, full disclaimer, I dislike "immortal alicorn Twilight" as a headcanon and I really hate the whole "mourning your immortality" thing. That might make me bias, but I'll try to be objective.

There are two main things I don't like, though. First, I don't really read Pinkie into this. Not even as an old mare do I think Pinkie would talk like this. She's so dark and brooding and her language, minus the phrase "super duper," doesn't sound like her at all. The other is just the basic oddity of one of Twi's friends randomly showing up at her door and going "Hey, Twilight! All your friends are gonna die someday and I wanted you to feel sad about it on Hearth's Warming." I could imagine this coming up as a dark turn of a conversation, but the timing is just odd, and the weird thing is that Twilight seems so oblivious to it. To hear her go "Twenty-- no, sixty-five!" was really weird (not just because holy crap, Twilight was FORTY-FIVE in episode 1?! [And why does she keep calling Pinkie "the older mare" when she's got a decade on her?!]).

Realistically, I can imagine this conversation occurring with Applejack, who might feel the need to just lay some blunt truth on Twilight. But if it has to be Pinkie, I could see this happening after a party where everyone has gone home quite early, as befitting their age, but Pinkie indulges Twilight who has lots of youthful energy, and then Pinkie reminds Twilight about all this. She'd still need to sound a bit more like herself, though.

Anyway, I didn't hate this and I'm not going to thumb it down or anything. It's not bad, but it would have benefited from a couple changes.

6878675
good hurt or bad hurt?

6878836 Like I lost a friend.

Very well done. I hope you keep writing :twilightsmile:

can I get to 100 likies?!

It's just weird seeing Twilight as the oldest one of the group, and by half a decade, at that. I've almost always read her in the role of the youngest.

6884704 oh no, sorry! shes not, the other ages are supposed to be 60 too

Well why not have twilight give up her Alicornhood so she can become Mortal and stay with her friends until they do pass on, this way she can meet up with her friends and family in the afterlife, after all her brother is mortal while Cadance is Immortal and from what I've seen in the sneak peek of season 6 so will Shining and Cadance baby, a Alicorn Foal.

6885224
well, she is a princess. and even if she wanted to, shes not quite there yet

6885413 Well she could go to the Tree of Harmony and plead to the tree to take her Alicornhood away from her, after all the Elements are connected to the Tree and since the Elements were what blasted Twilight in the first place then the Tree should be able to undo what the elements did to Twilight.

The thought of losing my best friends truly haunts me, if I were immortal, I would do anything to give up. Sorry to bring religion into this, but I want to be able to join my friends in heaven upon death not be left alone.

It's a great story and all, but it's ruined for me due to a link I found a while back.

6900613
what do you mean? what link?

6900748 I would rather not post it, but it canonically ruins the story.

6900882 I'll dig it up. It doesn't have much to do with the story, but it does ruin it for me. This is not your fault in any way, and the story is still amazing. Here: https://twitter.com/mmeghanmccarthy/status/323513777427468288 (<-most people don't click)

6902054
oh, what? no, the whole story is based around that idea. There are tons of stories about immortal twilight; its not my idea. And, yeah, it wouldn't be cannon, i guess. Thank you for showing me though!

I am freaking heartless

Login or register to comment