Fiendishly Free
A blue blur blazed through the skies, dodging and flipping over clouds as it went. Suddenly, it shot downwards into Ponyville, where it narrowly avoided collisions with several ponies, causing them to shout after it. Racing down the streets, the blur finally slowed down in front of Sugarcube Corner.
“Whoo!” cheered Rainbow Dash as she skidded to a stop in front of the bakery. “That’s got to be a new record!” She spotted a blue-furred pony exiting the shop and called out to her. “Colgate! How long did it take me to get here?”
“…You realize I wasn’t watching you right?” asked Colgate. “Even if I was, I don’t have a clock to check your time.”
“I guess that makes sense…” muttered Rainbow. She frowned as she thought of something. “Wait…aren’t you supposed to get mad and say your name is Minuette?”
“Do I still do that?” asked Colgate, chuckling. “Ah…that takes me back…” She wandered off, lost in her memories.
“…Weird…” muttered Rainbow Dash. She shook her head and took a step towards the entrance of Sugarcube Corner.
A pink blur rocketed out of the building and crashed headfirst into Rainbow, knocking her backwards.
“OW!” yelled Rainbow, rubbing her sore forehead. She got back onto her hooves and said, “What the hell was-” She choked as two pink legs wrapped around her neck.
“I’m so sorry, Dashie!” said Pinkie Pie, pulling her friend into a tight hug. “Are you hurt? Do you need anything? An icepack? A doctor? Mouth-to-mouth?”
“No, no, and…uh…m-maybe later?” said Rainbow, blushing slightly. She pulled her head away from Pinkie and said, “So…uh…why were you running out of Sugarcube Corner? Did the Cakes close down early?”
“Uh-huh!” nodded Pinkie. “Mrs. Cake showed Mr. Cake a white stick and they both got really happy for some reason. They grabbed a bottle of wine, went up to their bedroom, and haven’t come out since.”
“A white stick?” repeated Rainbow. Her eyes went wide, “Wait…does that mean Mrs. Cake is preg-”
“Anyway,” interrupted Pinkie, “I ran outside because I didn’t want to miss the mail pony! They’ve got a big, thick package for me!”
“That’s what she said,” said Rainbow immediately.
“That is what I said,” said Pinkie, nodding seriously. “Good to see you’re keeping up, Dashie.”
“But that…that’s not…” began Rainbow. She sighed and said, “Never mind. What are you supposed to be getting, anyway?”
“The script!” said Pinkie excitedly.
“The script?” repeated Rainbow. “That binder you were freaking out about during your birthday party?”
“That was the script for Season 1,” said Pinkie. “I’m waiting for the script for this season!”
“…You mean fall?” asked Rainbow.
Pinkie gasped and pointed down the road. “There she is!” she said excitedly.
Rainbow turned around and smiled as two ponies walked towards them. “Hey Derpy!” she greeted.
Derpy Hooves smiled at Rainbow, her eyes pointing in their usual opposite directions. She was wearing a blue uniform and had a brown bag at her side. “Morning Rainbow Dash! Morning Pinkie!”
“Hi!” said Pinkie. She rushed forward and poked her head into Derpy’s bag. “Any mail for me?”
Derpy grabbed Pinkie by the scruff of the neck and pulled her head out of her bag. “Please don’t do that, Pinkie Pie,” she said happily. “Stealing other ponies’ mail is a federal offense…punishable by death.”
“No it isn't,” said the unicorn filly next to her. She sighed and pushed up her glasses, glaring up at Derpy.
“It’s not?” asked Derpy. She smiled and patted the filly’s blonde mane. “Well, if you say so, it must be true! You’re so smart, Dinky!”
Dinky moved away from Derpy and straightened her mane. “Whatever…” she muttered, turning her head away from the older pony. Derpy smiled endearingly at Dinky, who pointedly ignored her.
Rainbow Dash coughed awkwardly and said, “So…how are you two doing? It’s been about a couple of years since you’ve adopted Dinky, right?”
“It’s been great!” said Derpy happily. “Although, Dinky is a little mad at me right now. The rest of her class is up in Canterlot taking a tour of the castle. But it’s Take Your Daughter/Confused Son to Work Day today and I figured she’d enjoy that a bit more than seeing some old statues. Besides, what if one of them fell on you? What if you got hurt? What if you got killed?!” She grabbed Dinky and held her close. “It’s okay…Mama’s here…”
“Mom…get off!” said Dinky, struggling to get away. “You’re so embarrassing!”
“Aw…isn’t it precious?!” asked Pinkie in a high-pitched voice. She frowned and said in her normal voice, “Seriously, where’s my package?”
“Package?” asked Derpy, letting go of Dinky, whose glasses were askew. “I don’t have a package for you today, Pinkie.”
“…What?” asked Pinkie. “B-but where’s my new script?”
While Pinkie questioned Derpy, Rainbow Dash looked up at the sky and frowned. “…What the hell is that?” she wondered out loud.
High in the sky was a pink cloud. It zoomed across Ponyville, heading in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres.
“Is that cloud pink?” asked Derpy, watching it go.
“Correction,” said Dinky, “Are those clouds pink?” She pointed up to dozens of pink clouds that were lazily drifting over Ponyville.
“What the hell’s going on?” muttered Rainbow Dash, watching as the clouds moved towards Sweet Apple Acres. She shook her head and turned to Pinkie. “Go get Twilight!” she ordered. “I’m going to see if I can get rid of some of these.” And with that, she launched into the sky and flew towards Sweet Apple Acres.
Meanwhile:
Applejack and Big Macintosh watched as pink clouds rolled over the orchard. “…Mac?” asked Applejack, not taking her eyes off the sky.
“Yeah?” asked Big Mac, also staring up at the sky.
“It’s probably not a good thing that all these weird clouds are showin’ up over the farm, is it?” asked Applejack.
“Nope,” replied Big Mac.
There was a loud noise, as if a vacuum cleaner had been turned on. Apples were suddenly pulled off the trees and sucked into one of the strange pink clouds.
“That thing is takin’ all the apples!” said Applejack. “We gotta-”
A blue blur zoomed through the sky and crashed into one of the clouds, causing it to break apart. Apples rained down from the sky and landed on the ground.
“…Let Rainbow Dash handle it, apparently,” finished Applejack. She watched as a pink-coated Rainbow landed in front of her. “Thanks! You just saved mah farm!”
“Our farm?” said Big Mac.
“Our farm,” amended Applejack. She leaned in close to Rainbow Dash and muttered, “Really mah farm.”
“Yeah, great…” said Rainbow Dash. She growled and tried getting the remains of the cloud off of her body. “God, this stuff is so sticky!” She sniffed the piece of pink cloud on her arm. “Wait…” she took a lick. “Is…is this cotton candy?” She kept licking the stuff off of her arm, moaning at the sugary taste.
Big Mac blushed and coughed awkwardly as Rainbow kept licking and moaning. “Ah’ll be in my room,” he muttered, quickly walking off.
Twilight Sparkle quickly ran up to Applejack, an open book floating in front of her. “Don’t worry, Applejack!” she said. “I’ve got a spell just for this situation!”
“…You have a spell just for cotton candy clouds that suck up apples?” asked Applejack.
“Yep!” said Twilight happily.
“…Seems a bit convenient, but Ah’m not complainin’,” said Applejack. “Fire away!”
Twilight closed her eyes and concentrated. Her horn started glowing with a purple light that got brighter and brighter until suddenly there was a flash of blinding light.
When the light faded, Applejack’s jaw dropped. All the clouds in the sky had disappeared, leaving everything the way it was supposed to be. She whistled and said, “Damn, Twilight! You took care of those clouds like they were nothin’!”
Twilight smiled and said, “No problem, Applejack. I know how much this farm means to you.”
“Yeah,” said Rainbow Dash, finally done licking the cotton candy off of her body, “You’re lucky Twilight and I showed up when we did! You were pretty helpless, right?”
Applejack frowned at her. “If Ah recall correctly, Twilight did most of the work. You just took out one cloud and spent the rest of the time lickin’ yourself.”
“Your brother didn’t seem to mind,” said Rainbow, smirking. “In fact, he looked a little excited from what I saw.”
“…Meaning?” asked Applejack.
“I gave your brother a bone-” began Rainbow.
“Girls, can we focus?” interrupted Twilight. “We need to figure out where those clouds were coming from.” She sighed and said, “If only Spike was here. I’d have him send a letter to the Princess in order to see what’s happening. Now I have to walk all the way back to the library and-”
“Twilight!” shrieked a voice. Everyone turned and saw Rarity running towards them, her horn glowing blue. Spike was floating along beside her, a bored expression on his face. Rarity came to a stop in front of Twilight and shoved Spike in her face. “Spike just coughed up a scroll! Is he sick? Is there something wrong with him? Is it contagious?!”
Twilight put her hoof on the top of Spike’s head and pushed him down so she could look at the other mare. “No Rarity,” she said, “That’s how Spike sends and receives scrolls to the Princess. He’s supposed to do that.”
“Really?” asked Rarity. She levitated Spike up in the air and examined his rear. “What do you send with the other end?”
Spike coughed and quickly covered his backside. “I’m fine with you looking down there,” he said carefully, “But I want to make it clear that that area is exit-only.”
“What did the Princess want, Spike?” asked Twilight.
“Princess Celestia wants everyone to come to Canterlot immediately,” said Spike as Rarity put him down. “Apparently it’s some end-of-the-world type thing.” He yawned and continued, “She wrote it in all-caps, so it must be important.”
“All-caps?!” yelled Twilight. “This must be important!” She turned to the others and said, “Go find Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie! We need to get to Canterlot as soon as possible!”
“Does we include me?” asked Spike hopefully.
Twilight stared at him. “…Does it ever?”
Spike glared back at her. “One of these days, you’re going to need me. Then who’ll be laughing?”
“…Who?” asked Rainbow.
“Huh?” asked Spike, turning to face her.
“Who’ll be laughing?” asked Rainbow. “I want to know.”
Spike stared at her before shaking his head and walking away. “Goddammit Dash…” he muttered.
An hour later:
Princess Celestia was pacing in front of the stained-glass windows. “Where the hell are they?” She asked as she eyed the clock on the wall.
The door to the entrance hall was thrown open. Twilight and the others quickly ran into the room, looking haggard. “Princess…” panted Twilight. “We…got here…as…whew…” she wiped her sweaty forward with her hoof.
“…Did you all run here?” asked Celestia. “I sent a chariot to pick you up.”
Meanwhile:
The two Royal Guards watched the front door of the library intensely.
“…I don’t think she’s home,” said Depressed Guard. He sighed and said, “We came all this way for nothing…”
“I’M GIVING HER ANOTHER HOUR,” said Gung-Ho Guard, not taking his eyes off the door.
Meanwhile:
“Princess, what’s happening?” asked Twilight. “Why are there weird pink clouds in the sky?”
“And why are they suckin’ up mah apples?” asked Applejack.
“Shush, Applejack,” said Twilight, pressing a hoof to the other pony’s lips. “This is important.”
“So are mah apples!” yelled Applejack.
“…Not really…” muttered Rainbow Dash.
Applejack whirled around to glare at the pegasus. “You little-”
“Girls, I need you to shut the fuck up for a minute,” interrupted Celestia. “I need you all to follow me.” She stared walking down the hall, prompting the others to start following her. “The reason I called you all here is because I’m afraid one of my old foes has returned. His name is Discord.”
As they started passing stained glass windows, Fluttershy paused to examine one. The creature on the glass was a mish-mash of various species. It had the head of a goat, two differently shaped horns, a horse-like mane, a snake-like body, an eagle’s talon, a lion’s paw, two differently shaped wings, a horse’s leg, and a dragon’s leg and tail.
“Jesus, that looks freaky,” muttered Fluttershy.
The creature’s eye looked at her and winked.
Fluttershy’s eyes went wide and she ran back to the group. “Princess!” she yelled. “That thing on the window-”
“Yes, that’s what Discord looks like,” said Celestia. “He’s a spirit of chaos and disharmony.” She smirked and said, “He’s not much of a looker, huh?”
“But-” began Fluttershy.
“Anyway,” continued Celestia, “The last time I saw those pink clouds in the sky was on the day Luna and I defeated Discord.”
“How did you defeat him before?” asked Twilight.
“With the Elements of Harmony,” explained Celestia. “With their magic, we were able to turn Discord to stone. He’s been in the garden ever since.”
“You just turned him to stone?” questioned Rarity. “That’s a little extreme, isn’t it?”
“No,” said Celestia seriously, “No it is not. Discord ruled Equestria before Luna and I came along. He tortured ponies for amusement and would cause disasters just for shits and giggles.”
“How did he get free?” asked Twilight.
“Since Luna and I aren’t the bearers of the Elements of Harmony anymore, the spell keeping Discord petrified has been weakening,” explained Celestia. “If he isn’t free already, then it won’t be long until he is.”
“What should we do?” asked Twilight. “This guy sounds like a psychopath.”
“He is,” said Celestia grimly. She smiled and said, “Not to worry, though. I’ve been draining his powers for centuries. Discord won’t be as powerful as he once was and should be easy pickings once you get the Elements back. I’ve got them locked safely in a vault just down the hall. All we have to do is go get them.”
“You said you’ve been draining his powers?” asked Twilight. “How?”
Celestia turned and looked at Twilight. “Over the years, I’ve been transferring Discord’s power to various ponies. Ponies that could use his power for fun instead of sadism. Ponies that needed a little joy in their lives.”
“…Like who?” asked Twilight suspiciously.
Celestia turned and nodded to Pinkie. “You’re friends with one of them.”
Everyone turned to stare at Pinkie.
“…Surprise?” said Pinkie sheepishly.
“You?!” asked Twilight. She turned to Celestia. “Pinkie?! Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I didn’t think I had to,” said Celestia, “But with Discord running free, you need all the help you can get. I just hope it will be enough.”
“It won’t be,” said a voice from the side of the room.
Everyone looked at one of the stained glass windows. The image of Discord smirked at them. “Clever Celestia,” it said mockingly, “No wonder I feel so weak. You’ve been giving my powers to these…pretenders. They’ve been going about misusing the power of CHAOS.” The image sniffed and wiped its eye. “It’s enough to drive an old draconequus to tears.” The image stopped pretending to cry and gave Celestia a nasty grin. “I think it’s time to show this world who its real master is, don’t you?”
The image snapped its fingers and every single stained glass window in the hall shattered to pieces.
Someone cleared the throat from down the hall.
Everyone turned to see an individual with a sadistic smirk on his face. Behind him, the vault door swung on its hinges and in his hands were the Elements of Harmony.
“Hello, Princess Celestia,” said Discord, giving the stunned Alicorn a mocking bow. “It’s been a long time.”
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Well shit.
I'm just imagining this as so deadpan and casual. Curious to see where this is going. Also nice little twist with Pinkie Pie.
Here we go...
Woo, let's get ready for disaster, disharmony and dick jokes from Dash!
Ok! This NEEDS to be added to the TV tropes page!
Oh poopy
Welp, we're boned. Time to open the panic room and break out the vodka.
Is is me, or is your Celestia acting more intelligently that the real one?
Well, it would be the perogative of a true Master of Chaos to make the very Plot go completely off the rails!
Got to admit, this entrance for Discord was pretty epic.
And nice explanation for Pinkie's abilities.
AN EXPLANATION FOR HPW PINKIE CAN DEFY REALITY?! ARE YOU MAD?! but seriously thank you for continuing this wonderful trainwreck
There better be a MOV Discord reference.
"I AM YOUR GOD NOW! BRING ME YOUR VIRGINS!"
Man. I almost forgot about these guys.
Oh god. It's finally here.
Never. Change. These are the best background ponies ever.
Oh, and Discord is back and rather pissed off. Well, I expect the next few chapters to hilarious and disturbing. Possibly hilariously disturbing.
Also, kudos to you for explaining Pinkie's powers in a way that, surprisingly, makes a lot more damn sense then the series ever did. The fact that this explanation is in a pardoy fic that twist everything we know and love in the main series is just icing on the cake.
Wait!!! What???
Did Discord make a portals 2 reference at the end there?
... Weirdo.
I, wouldn't have been able to resist either.
Indeed not.
Goddammit Rainbow.
Blunt.
Trust me, it's not.
He is. He's a psychopath with a penchant for sick mind games and the ability to warp reality to his whims.
That makes sense. Why does that make sense.
Goddamn I'm loving him already!
Marrow Transplant? That makes no sense, Dashie.
And that dialogue read automatic John DeLancie.
Ponies all, you are deeeeep doodoo. Deep Discord doodoo.
Serious deep Discord doodoo.
He always was a better villain...
Does this means Rainbow Dash isn't going to act much Rainbow Dash?
Also, hyped about new chapters!
6896630 Rainbow Dash is suggestive humor.
OH HELL YEAH! MY BODY IS READY FOR THIS SHIT!!!
*put's on 3D-Glasses and starts eating popcorn on a lawnchair*
So...she's a timepony and she regenerated between the first and second seasons like The Doctor did in the new Doctor Who?