• Member Since 15th Jan, 2016
  • offline last seen 5 minutes ago

ultrapoknee


Sequels1



T

On his way to planet namek to save his friends, goku the strongest martial artist on earth gets sent to equestria thanks to unpredictable cosmic storm. Upon arrival he meets the magically gifted creatures of this bright and colorful world. What perils shall he face? what friends will he make? and will he be able to return to journey to namek before its too late. FIND OUT NOW ON DRAGONBALL MLP

Chapters (34)
Comments ( 836 )

Okay, there are a few problems with this story. Most of them include your use of conventions and grammar. Every I that is by itself or part of a conjunction that has the word I in it should be capitalized. Every proper noun needs to be capitalized, including titles. Your use of commas is apparent, but not as frequent as it should be. I suggest using a site called Grammarly, for they will comb through your writing and find most major problems. Another thing I want to say is that your descriptions are not very clear. You also have a few problems with continuity in this story. For example, something cannot be annually and happen ever few centuries at the same time. What I'm trying to say is that when you write, please go over your creation and look for logical discrepancies. I understand that this is your first story, so I made sure to point out what was glaring to me, as to help improve your own writing.

I realize that this is your first fanfic ever, and I am going to factor that into my review here.

It took me about six attempts, thirty minutes, and my best friend to finish this story. There are several large, glaring flaws in this story, most of them due to your apparent unfamiliarity with the English language. You are apparently allergic to commas because there are countless instances in which they should be there but are not. Additionally, you capitalize hardly any of your proper nouns. Another thing is the thing you do where you write out an audible sound.

Twilight was about to enter *gulp* lecture mode.

This looks awful, and I'm actually surprised that the mods let it slide. I could have sworn that there's a rule against things of that nature, but either there isn't or the mods are slacking (more likely the former). Besides what I pointed out earlier, you also seem to omit words and change up tenses, as if you started writing a sentence and then passed it to your mate who didn't bother reading the first half.

"Pinkies randomness aside, she propose the idea of of all of us sleeping over and i for simply could refuse the offer to stay at the beautiful castle friendship." rarity said

I have several issues with this. Firstly, "Pinkies" is incorrect. It should be "Pinkie's", because what you put means more than one Pinkie. Furthermore, you misspell Pinkie's name throughout the story as "Pinky". You wrote "propose" when I'm quite certain you meant "proposed", there are two "of"s, the "I" is lowercase, the rest of that sentence makes basically no sense, and "rarity" should be capitalized. Seriously, I highly recommend you either get a prereader or use the website Grammarly. Or, honestly, just read over what you write and think more than none.

Sorry if my tone came off as kind of harsh, but I do not believe in pussyfooting just to spare someone's feelings.

I'm gonna give this story the benefit of the doubt and watch the progression. Good story by the way.

WRONG PLANET DUMBASS." Vegeta,

you know with out Goku, you guys are dead now." Ginyu.

Goku hurry get to the real Namek before, Frieza blows up the planet, and kills your chance to revive your friends,

6902863 it does seems to be the status quo for most stories, doesn't it. I don't necessarily hate him myself. It's just for my stories sake. But, there are a few I found where blueblood isn't a giant tool

My best friend, luna
Terracana
A prince of true blueblood

These are fine examples if your looking for blueblood being portrayed positively.

Liking everything about this story expect the Blueblood bashing I understand he's the fandom's boogeyman but it still hurts to see him portrayed like this.:fluttercry:

6902919 yeah sorry. It is weird that he barely got 5 minutes in the actual show and suddenly he became the sites whipping boy for his attitude. I wonder if they'll ever bring him back. Although if they turn him into a villian, you know he will be screwed right.

6902936 As much as it pains me to say it the chances of that happening is next to zero I'm afraid. I already hear the sharpen of pitchforks ready for him if that happens.

6918069 episode 4 is almost done should be up either Tuesday or Wednesday

awwww crud.....still though, I think they don;t stand a chance against Goku.

Really good chapter, looking forward:moustache:

Celestia I truly do feel sorry for you not only did you make an ass of yourself and have the royal guard make an ass of themselves to but after everything is settled goku gonna eat everything you have included the cakes.:rainbowlaugh:

Can we get a schedule for updates please?

6962984 I'm trying to keep it weekly updates but i dont want to have a set day as everyone will be disappointed to expect something on that day and i didn't deliver. So i updates will be weekly

I was hoping goku would use kamehameha. Oh well. Maybe next time. Great work. ^^

6976206 oh its coming I'm just slowly bring out all of Goku's moves if you noticed Goku hasn't been flying in front of the ponies at least

6976633 Let's hope the ponies don't piss him off to the part where he goes super. That's one thing that they should never do.:twilightoops:

Well... Welcome to the DBZ/MLP Community! I hope you don't mind, but I've added your story to Equestrian Saiyans Group. It's where all DBZ/MLP crossovers are stored. Anyhow, you really need to work on your English Grammar. Like, really work.

But still, I wish you great luck in your story, and hope it becomes successful.

6992673 i know but my computer is shot and I'm writing on mobile phone so i cant make the proper corrections. I'll fix it when i get internet again

yaaayy!! update! can't wait for the next one. I'm sure all the ponies will be shocked to know how much power goku has.

6998569 im currently debating if i should reveal the kiao ken. Maybe say the name but not actually show the power.

6998591 right. I'm sure Goku doesn't want to scare the shit out of them if he shows his power thats over a thousand or so.

I enjoyed this chapter can't wait to read some more of this.

wow been fine and good chapter , can not wait for the update :twilightsmile:

are you planning to have goku return to Equestria, like when he leaves, you do another chapter that starts a few months later after he leaves?

7022200 Nothing like that. There is a time skip coming up but it won't involve Goku leaving and coming back because as of now he landed on Equis by complete accident. He has no way to return, not until the sequels at least. Goku will actually be grounded on Equis for a bit.

Is Rainbow gonna be a salty bitch throughout the whole story? Because honestly it's just annoying at this point. Even Luna has managed to swallow her pride and admit to herself that she may have been wrong. Don't get me wrong, the story itself is great, I just hate when characters act so astronomically arrogant/egotistic that it borderlines on unimaginable narcissism.

Rarity shut your gold digger ass up you just sour cause you didn't get a free ticket to high class. Celestia it shouldn't feel strange defending your nephew from gold diggers. This was great chapter as always but i feel like your using the American goku and not the real goku.Goku let Vegeta live so he could fight him again not to give him a second chance.

702225 Rainbow feels threaten by Goku because of how easily he seems to be winning over Scootaloo who is her adoptive sister. As Goku and Scootaloo grow closer Rainbow and Scootaloo start to drift apart. Rainbow will remain antagonistic toward Goku for a good portion of the story till she gets a clue.

7022278 yeah I did go for the mercy speech rather than the I wanna fight him again speech. I felt that the ponies would trust Goku more with this one and not label him as a brutish meathead that only thinks about fighting. If I did use the real than it would come off as Goku risking many lives just to have a good fight. I will definitely have a way to still use that speech but that wont be till later on.

That whole bit with Rarity got me thinking. BlueBlood kinda doesn't deserve all the hate we give him; maybe about half of it but not all. Rarity was acting just as vain and petty as he was if not more so. She went to the Gala fully expecting to marry him for all the wrong reasons iust like any other noble that would want to take advantage of his status. Plus no one can honestly say that they wouldn't duck behing someone else for protection against a flying cake. I know I'm not gonna let my suit get messed up so might as well use the gold digger.

What you do when you find filler/resume chapters on your favorite anime?
a. Avoid chapter.
b. Watch chapter.
c. Watch chapter with un-cultured anime :pinkiegasp: friend to see his/her reaction.

If you choose "c", you are on the first step to YouTube dirty money/views!

For some reason the last two chapters make me feel that way, MOOAR!

the girls seem too tall i mean 5'10, 5'9 really.

no..... you don't say that to pinkie... she goes all pinkamena on us and thats never fun.

I can tell deep that Rainbow is gonna try to show herself that she's better than Goku and end up getting her ass beaten hard.

Its funny how Goku is getting shipped, even though his married. :rainbowlaugh:

7043496 well recently I learned from DBS that sayians are attracted to strong willed women and Luna definitely fits that bill. Also let's remember, herding is acceptable...on Equis...in Equestria. So all Luna has to do is get Chi Chi to come to Equis and share Goku. Anyway, here my shipping list.

Goku x:
Celestia
Luna
Applejack
Rainbow(weird huh)

7042858 In truth, there suppose to be smaller like about 4ft or so. If you factor in the fact normal ponies are pretty small in size.

The bit with Giru was kinda annoying it's a machine it doesn't have feelings. I would think that Celestia or Lunas maybe even Twilight would notice the similarities to a gloem it's purpose is it simply serve nothing else:facehoof: that being said I hope they get their act together and don't pull the same thing when they find out Goku eats meat. I also find it a bit egotistical to name the planet after your country it's like if we named earth Ameri.

Well since this might be another herd fic guess time to leave im sad actually got goku personality and everything but really goku does not fare that much about love really only training and chi chi it was nice til now but ya now its gonna get wierd bye

7044161 There will be no romance what so ever. Dragonball is not exactly known for romance and that's not changing here. It just some random teasing. Luna really does respect Goku as a warrior. So don't worry about shipping.

Oh thank shenron seriously glad ur not shipping this fic actually good wanted to keep reading

7043843 It's not entirely unreasonable actually. Golems are mindless creations that only exist to follow orders. Being told that guru is intelligent would probably confuse them thinking it means it's actually alive, when it's simply not self aware. Since they never had to deal with something like this they wouldn't know how to react to it.

Also, planet Vegeta.


7044599 Well, other then the accidentally in love Vegeta and Bulma. Seriously, that one really took me by surprise.

Now, things have gotten interesting. I wonder who the shadow characters are?

bro you kinda need an editor for this, some of the mistakes were just plain distracting. i'll keep reading though cuz the story premise is awesome.

P.S. i do edits and spelling fixes on stories if the author asks :twilightsheepish: i like to help out the community and make it better as a whole

next few chapters please if u can that is if not I will be waiting

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