episode 1: Journey to planet Equis?!! (Edited)
[Outer Space - Third Person POV.]
Deep within the vast reaches of the cosmos. Aspherical spacecraft was zooming at high light speeds with preset coordinates to a new and brave world. The single-pilot of the spaceship entitled Capsule Corp NO.2 was currently under a rigorous training regiment to better prepare for the possible dangers he will soon have to face on planet Namek.
"Hi-yah!! Huh! Yah!!" the man shouted as he threw several fists and kicks at the air with blinding speed. He wore a blue shirt under an orange training GI and blue wristbands and blue boots with yellow trimming that also had a small piece of rope tied at the top.
"Hip Hmm Hip Hmm.", He grunted as he performed multiple backflips in quick succession. His spiky black hair would bounce and shift with each movement before returning to its normal gravity-defying position. Sweat had matted his brow and dripped down his physique. His body was scolded for topping form through training and the many epic battles waged on earth.
"87, 88, 89, 90, 91.", he said as he was performing one-armed handstand push-ups. "98, 99, 100. Ok, just one more set, and then it's off to bed," he said as he completed another hard day's workout. The progression has already pushed him well past the level he was at from his recent encounter with the mighty Saiyan warrior Vegeta.
"Alright, Goku, no need to overdo it. I've still got a few weeks before you hit Namek, and there's no sense in doing my enemies' job for them by showing up all worn out. So tomorrow, I think it's high time I practice my techniques at 50 times normal gravity." He confidently said. He gazed at the gravity machine built by Professor Briefs. CEO and head of the Capsule Corporation.
Son Goku, the most excellent warrior this side of the North Galaxy; His home planet, his mission: AID in his friend's pursuit of acquiring the seven mystical Namekian Dragonball's to revive their fallen comrades and defeat the mighty foes currently converging to his destination.
[Meanwhile on planet Equis - 8:59 pm - Spike's POV]
Here I was, Spike the dragon, sitting inside of castle friendship(seriously, who came up with that name) with the princess of friendship, Twilight Sparkle. Normally, I would be in my room reading the latest power ponies while wearing my light purple pajamas and nightcap. But Twilight wanted to go over the checklist for the annual meteor FOR THE FIFTH TIME!!!
"Telescope?" Twilight asked. She was still in her regular clothes consisting of a white blouse with a purple vest with smart black pants.
"Check."
"Notebooks?"
"Check."
"Neatly arranged cupcakes?"
"Hold on," I said as I push them ever so slightly out of place, cake back in alignment. Since Twilight is hosting the event in Ponyville this year, all the eatery is here. So, along with 5,000 cupcakes, we had to make sure they were all accounted for and perfect for presentation. Seriously, no pony would even notice it, nor would they care about it enough to raise an issue. No pony expect twilight sparkle, the Princess of friendship. Honestly, I think she takes her job way too seriously sometimes. "Check," I said, giving off a big yawn and stretch.
"OOOOOH!!! Isn't this exciting? Are you excited, spike? Because I'm very, very VERY EXCITED!!!" Twilight practically yelled. I should be thankful she hasn't fully mastered the royal Canterlot voice yet. Otherwise, I would've lost my hearing a long time ago.
"Calm down, Twilight, geez, it's just the annual meteor shower," I said casually while looking at my claws; however, I failed to notice the deadpan expression she was giving off. " You know the one we've seen." I continued while she kept up her stare. "Every year so far since we were kids." I went on, but I started to feel a strong aura in the air that was making me nervous. "Both before and after Princess Luna's banishment. I mean, why do we have to do this now when the event doesn't happen until a couple of weeks any-" I cut myself off as Twilight was now bearing down at me with a stern, piercing gaze. I soon realized the severity of my situation. Twilight was about to enter lecture mode.
"Calm down? CALM DOWN!!!" she yelled as she stomped toward me very slowly as if I was prey and she a ferocious predator.
"Spike Solaris-Sparkle!!" Oh, significant the full name drop, yep, we've officially entered lecture mode. After the years I spent as her number one assistant, you would think to avoid this for my safety.
"The reason we are checking over our provisions weeks ahead of time is that this particular meteor will be unlike any of the previous ones, and do YOU know why that is HMM?!!" she said as she poked me pretty hard on my chest. Well, usually it would have been nothing; I'm pretty built for a teenager, not too beefy or scrawny, 5'8 in height, but with her alicorn strength, her 5'8 height, and how intimidating she can be, she was able to knock me on my butt, and I stared up at her shakily.
"Um, no," I said with a sheepish grin.
She keeps her steely gaze a while longer before she sighs. "Spike, this event is important because there be visiting dignitaries from our alliances, and Celestia has trusted me to oversee the proceedings. Nearly every prominent figure from here to the Crystal Empire will be here in Equestria there. We absolutely MUST have everything going correctly to scheduled, understand?" she finally finished her rant, and I gave a rapid nod of acknowledgment, hoping that I can escape the thralls of lecture mode.
Twilight then smiles before going to speak again. " Good, now let's go over the checklist one more time," she said. I gave a loud exasperated groan and started wishing for any distraction to appear suddenly.
*knock-knock*
"Huh, now who could that be at this hour? Spike was you expecting anypony?", Twilight said as she turned to me while I was performing a silent fist pump, thanking Celestia for answering my prays. Twilight noticed this and was about to reenter lecture mode till I quickly got up to respond to the door.
"Don't worry, Twilight. I'll get it." I opened the castle doors to be revealed to be the rest of our friends and bearers of harmony. Each sporting nighties for an impoverished slumber party.
"Somepony call for a distraction," Pinkie Pie said with a bright smile. She was wearing pure pink sleeping pajamas. She stood at five feet, two inches.
"Howdy Spike," Applejack said, wearing her ever-present Stetson hat along with a light green nightie with Apple designs covering it from head to hoof. She stood five feet, five inches.
"Sup," The ever-cool Rainbow Dash said. She was wearing her standard issued wonder bolt sleeping wear got when she made the reserves. She stood five feet, four inches.
"Oh um, g-good evening spike. I hope we weren't interrupting anything important." Fluttershy said as timid and humble as ever. She was five feet, ten inches, easily the tallest of the group, wearing a beautiful bright yellow sleeping gown.
"Why hello, my little Spiky-Wiky. It's always so great to see you." Ah, Rarity, there's genuinely no pony in Equestria that can match your beauty. She was wearing a lovely handcrafted white robe with black trimming that brought out all the right curves. She stood five feet, nine inches tall.
"Not that I'm not happy to see you all, but why are you girls here at this time of night?" I asked.
"Well, duh, silly filly. I got the twitchy pinky which means Twilight entered the lecture mode, so thinking quickly, I gathered every pony here for a super fantastic castle slumber party." She finished freezing, jumping in the air, spreading her arms and legs out while throwing confetti everywhere. The classic pinkie pie being pinkie pie.
"I, for one, believe it to be a fabulous idea. But, unfortunately, it has simply been ages since our last slumber party," Rarity said.
"Yeah yeah, let's get inside already. I'm missing some serious zzzs here thanks to a certain SOMEPONY," Rainbow said as she turned toward pinkie with a glare which in response stuck her tongue out at her. It's a miracle how she got rainbow dash awake, let alone how she managed to make it up to her cloud home — she then zipping toward where Twilight was as the rest followed suit with me lagging.
"Spike, who was at the oh hey girls, how is everypony, and what are you doing here so late?" Twilight asked as everypony came into the bedroom.
"We're just dandy. Twi. Pinkie here just rounded us up for a sleepover." Applejack answered.
"If that's OK with you, I mean?" Fluttershy added softly.
"Well, it has been a while since we all sleepover. Spike and I were going the provisions checklist for the annual meteor shower and Eridanus event." Twilight said much to everypony common annoyance.
"Oh dear, this far worse than we thought. Spike is a dear and gathers some refreshments for us all," Rarity asked with a flutter of her beautiful eyelashes.
"Of course, my sweet," I said in a dreamy tone as I risen from 2 inches from the ground and floated to the kitchen. As I gathered up the snacks, something hit me. Twilight said every prominent figure would be there. But what will I be doing during that time, probably something menial, I bet. I am considering when I ruined the ceremonial statue at that Canterlot delegation. Everypony forgave me and tried to say we all have some role to play, no matter how big or small. In the end, though, my parts always seem minuscule if nonexistent.
When Nightmare Moon appeared, I was asleep in the Treebary. When discord first showed up, all I did was cough up letters. I was lounging in my guest room at the royal wedding when the changelings busted in and encased me in their weird green goop cocoons. I mean, yeah, I saved the Crystal Empire but only because of a very lucky catch with Princess Cadence's and Shining Armors' help. But when Tirek showed up, I was utterly useless against him. I'm Celestia's adoptive son and Twilight's brother, but Twilight and the girls have done so much more than me. What great importance can I bring to the table what-
"Hey Spike, hurry up, will ya," Rainbow said. Then, pausing from my musing, I sighed and headed back to the group.
"I wish one day I could feel important and prove myself instead of relying on others."
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Okay, there are a few problems with this story. Most of them include your use of conventions and grammar. Every I that is by itself or part of a conjunction that has the word I in it should be capitalized. Every proper noun needs to be capitalized, including titles. Your use of commas is apparent, but not as frequent as it should be. I suggest using a site called Grammarly, for they will comb through your writing and find most major problems. Another thing I want to say is that your descriptions are not very clear. You also have a few problems with continuity in this story. For example, something cannot be annually and happen ever few centuries at the same time. What I'm trying to say is that when you write, please go over your creation and look for logical discrepancies. I understand that this is your first story, so I made sure to point out what was glaring to me, as to help improve your own writing.
I realize that this is your first fanfic ever, and I am going to factor that into my review here.
It took me about six attempts, thirty minutes, and my best friend to finish this story. There are several large, glaring flaws in this story, most of them due to your apparent unfamiliarity with the English language. You are apparently allergic to commas because there are countless instances in which they should be there but are not. Additionally, you capitalize hardly any of your proper nouns. Another thing is the thing you do where you write out an audible sound.
This looks awful, and I'm actually surprised that the mods let it slide. I could have sworn that there's a rule against things of that nature, but either there isn't or the mods are slacking (more likely the former). Besides what I pointed out earlier, you also seem to omit words and change up tenses, as if you started writing a sentence and then passed it to your mate who didn't bother reading the first half.
I have several issues with this. Firstly, "Pinkies" is incorrect. It should be "Pinkie's", because what you put means more than one Pinkie. Furthermore, you misspell Pinkie's name throughout the story as "Pinky". You wrote "propose" when I'm quite certain you meant "proposed", there are two "of"s, the "I" is lowercase, the rest of that sentence makes basically no sense, and "rarity" should be capitalized. Seriously, I highly recommend you either get a prereader or use the website Grammarly. Or, honestly, just read over what you write and think more than none.
Sorry if my tone came off as kind of harsh, but I do not believe in pussyfooting just to spare someone's feelings.
the girls seem too tall i mean 5'10, 5'9 really.
7042858 I'm 6'4" so I wouldn't know.
I am 6'9 and the average person is 5'10 so they are in the average range
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My mother is 5'9 my father is 6'4 and I'm 6'3
My sister is the shortest in our family and she's 5'7
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6'9 Damn Son You bug as fuq
7042858
That's only Rarity and Fluttershy
Well, I can see where this is going.
Just starting this story. I was going to comment on the "[Outer Space, Third Person POV.]" kind of thing, but that really isn't a big deal compared to some other things to work on.
I also understand that this is the first chapter of a very long story, edited or not, and there are bound to be tons more mistakes than later on, and any advice I give won't be very useful.
So I'll just talk about some things I liked about this. FIrst - even if your grammar needs a lot of work, your ideas are very solid. If this is your first attempt at making a story, your plot ideas are solid, and already you have at least one long-term character plan for a character that isn't the one being crossed over. (And Spike needs some more love anyway.)
And despite some awkwardness (Heights shouldn't really be stated. Perhaps relative heights, like "tallest" and "shortest" would be relevant, but don't use numbers, despite having them in your head), the dialogue was surprisingly good, if inexperienced.
No matter. You definitely have my interest, and it would take a mess-up of grand proportions to put me off from reading the rest of the story. I judge whether I press "like" on a story on the potential shown in the first chapter, and you have earned that. I'll probably give more feedback as read.
9118861
Thanks a lot. I knew what I was getting into when I started this series. I didn't possess the proper tools for editing back then. And your critique is very appreciated. I plan on coming back and fixing this story once I finish the sequel. Fair warning: there are still some spelling and grammatical errors in later chapters. Hopefully, they won't turn you off. It will be worth it.
The one problem I see with this chapter is that you said Goku would arrive at Namek in a few weeks, but canonically he took just 6 days
I got a feeling that Goku is about to drop in unexpectedly.
Oooooooooo moderately medium sized words right off the bat... This gonna b good 😈
Bueno, haber este el primer crossover entre Dragon ball Z y MLP en este sitio y comienza muy decentemente, no entendà exactamente la altura de los personajes, pero asumiré que tienen más o menos el tamaño de los guerreros z.
Espero que Spike no termine acaparando toda a atención de la serie convirtiéndolo en un Gary-stu, pero solo el tiempo lo dirá.
Muy buen comienzo